Do you admire Steve Jobs's ability to create short, concise email replies? We do too! Now you can use this handy tool to practice and hone your own terse skills!
First, create the letter to Steve Jobs...
a long time Apple fan
a long time Apple enemy
new to Apple
new to hating Apple
an iPhone developer
an ex-iPhone developer
a member of the Cupertino Improvement Society
God's gift to Apple
Apple's worst nightmare
a slimebucket from the Press
someone asking for money
a clueless user
one of the Great Ones
still richer than you
a Star Trek nerd
a LOL cat.
a tech junkie
a kind soul
a person from the future
a person from the past
a perfectionist, like you
a poor slob
a super villain
a trouble maker
a peace maker
a long haired hippie freak
a wall flower
a nervous type
a Type A personality
a very busy person
a train wreck
a Windows Drone
Gruber's evil twin
a constant complainer
a person with too much time on my hands
a big tough guy
a little old lady
a grouchy old man
a genius, of course
Bond. James Bond.
a Gizmodo brat
just your average nerd, hoping to post a letter from you on my blog
loves everything you do.
gets most of his facts wrong.
is still using floppy disks.
is abused by Apple, but loves every minute of it.
is still in love with his puck mouse.
is still living in his parent's basement.
is scared of his own shadow.
has less brains than a headless computer.
just won the Pulizter Prize.
can kill a man just by blogging about them.
who is 99 years old this year and wants a free iPad.
bought your email address on Craigslist.
wonders Big Crunch, or Big Chill?
can't stop eating potato chips.
emailed Bill Gates, but didn't get a reply.
wonders how you put up with all this shit?
would like to contribute to the Gizmodo Prosecution Fund.
who wishes you would stop picking on the little guys.
put a dent in your car last night. Did you notice?
recently has rummaged through your garbage.
found incriminating pictures of you and your yogurt.
feels as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.
needs a hit, bad.
has a lot of time to kill.
would like to offer advice.
can see you on my Magic iPad right now.
wants to change history.
wants some stock tips.
has a nit-pick.
can't afford an iPhone, but could chip in a little.
would like to help you in your hour of need.
would like to see Apple go down in flames.
sees an opportunity to waste your precious time.
would like you to donate to my cause.
would like you to chill out, man.
wants to tell you like it is!
would like a makeover.
is very nervous about this email getting into the wrong hands.
would like to fix everything for you.
would like some information.
doesn't normally have time for writing emails.
just didn't see it coming.
got a bad feeling about this.
wants to know your password.
wants to work at Apple.
is thinking about switching sides.
would like to complain.
wants to know your every thought.
wants to put a smile on your face.
thinks you should give me an iPhone.
is very happy with my new iPad.
doesn't like anything, ever.
would like you to stop anesthetizing the masses with your voodoo tech stuff.
needs a shoulder to cry on.
is just looking for a hand-out.
needs constant reassurance that everything is going to be ok.
wants to kill all humans.
is probably smarter than you.
doesn't know how to start up my iPad.
would like to have my iPhone camera lens replaced by a tiny gun.
wants to get the bad guys.
is the bad guys.
can't wait to tell all my troll friends that I emailed you!
is distracted by shiny objects.
can't believe I ate the whole thing!
recently suffered brain failure.
, insanely great
my benevolent dictator
the wind beneath my wings
power-loving, but in a good way
probably just an iPhone app
a brain in a vat
in the Twilight Zone
hidingz my cheezburger, aren'tz you
the source for my every breath
a wonderful, miraculous person
the subject of my wall-to-wall shrine
to find Gort and tell him these words... " Klaatu Barada Nikto"
filling my life with inspiration
still wearing that damn black turtle neck and jeans
making me depressed
stepping on my super hero cape
to give me ONE BILLION DOLLARS, or I destroy Earth
reading this, aren't you
blowing my mind, man
making me nervous
doing it wrong
the king of Getting Things Done
making me jealous
changing the world
making stuff faster than I can buy it
a very nice man
giving me ideas
freaking me out
my boss's boss
the bane of my existence
going to comply with my orders
the subject of my thesis
making a fool of me
cute when you're angry
you, and that is true.
giving me a headache
where ever you go
the medium, not the message
a trending topic
not what you think
a tiny spec in an infinite universe
happy and you know it, clap your hands!
totally like that guy on Big Bang Theory
spinning in space at 700 to 900 miles per hour
just a computer simulation
> but that is beside the point,
>as I have a question about
: my iPhone
my MacBook Pro
my Mac SE
my one button mouse
my no button mouse
my dad's cousin's dentist's iPod shuffle
the recent charge to my credit card
a vegetarian VS a vegan diet
my facebook page
Flash on the iPad
the ending to Toy Story 3
my constantly twitching eye
my broken heart
the camera I have hidden in your office
the time portal, like the one on Star Trek
the rumored Apple Space Ship
my Magical Device
my newest member of my family
my despondent disposition
my lot in life
the hand I've been dealt
your bad temper
your old tied dyed t-shirt you left in my washer
the will to live
my Steve Jobs Fan Club Membership
your super powers
my comic books
my map to your house
an Apple jet pack
this iPhone I found in a bar
my Apple TV hobby
Star Wars VS Star Trek.
my blow-up doll
my Steve Jobs email collection
my email sending addiction
this letter from Apple's lawyers
the wifi-only version
the 3G version
the unit I dropped in the ocean
my recent rejection from the iTunes Store
the original iPod
my out of warranty computer
the cute Genius I met at the Apple Store
the numbskull Windows user I have to deal with at work
the ass kisser that is me
the secret unit I found in a bar
the hapless sad sack who lost that secret unit
the blockheads I live beside
the clicking noise my hard drive is making
the Happy Mac
the robots that want to take over the world
a glass of water that is left overnight on the kitchen counter
a rag-tag fugitive fleet of spaceships
the Powers That Be
the Elves in the forest
the history books
the real world
the time and space continuum
my drama queen antics
my disgust towards bat guano
my admiration of bat guano-ologists
my devotion to Apple
my pet iguana
the meaning of life
my giant brain
purchasing your soul
my next actions
the headlines of tomorrow
the degenerate that is my Sys Admin
the guy who will only run Linux
the whiney blogger who didn't get a review iPad
be available on another network besides AT&T?
be reconsidered on the iTunes store?
be subjected to humiliation?
featured on the rumor sites?
be forced down the gullets of Apple fans?
experience the wrath of Jobs?
be blessed with a reply from you?
be invited to tour 1 Infinite Loop?
become the next Internet meme?
be forgotten amongst the sands of time?
end up on a gadget site?
be sued into oblivion?
send me a refund?
fix my big-assed iMac?
end up in a Joy of Tech comic?
be abandoned on an iceflow?
be fed to the bloggers?
support the latest anti-gravity protocols?
be available for download on iTunes?
share with me the secret of your success?
penetrate my tin foil covered propeller beanie?
make the Pharaohs roll in their graves?
end Global Warming?
prove too much of a temptation for those on the light side of The Force?
stop my bedwetting?
be blessed with your one worded response?
come with a Missing Manual?
cause world peace?
cause a global meltdown?
dominate the world?
result in my ultimate demise?
give me lemons?
disappear into thin air?
give me a sign?
go with the flow?
find the path less travelled by?
find my life's purpose?
ever shut up?
be another day?
read my mind?
predict the future?
see into another dimension?
fall into the wrong hands?
get a life?
make me happy?
send a message to other life forms in outer space?
make me do things I don't want to do, like this email program is?
free my soul?
find my soulmate?
find my lost puppy?
give hope to the world?
dress me up in girly clothes?
find me a girlfriend?
be the cause of all my problems?
remind me of my wife's birthday?
extend my battery life?
extend my real life?
cure me of my Twilight Addiction?
>All the best,
Someone out there on the Internet.
the Scumbag who is purposely wasting your time.
The Conscience of the King
Apple Hater, but I mean that in a good way.
Prize winning Ass Kisser
Larry the Lunatic
Douchebag from Redmond
Whiner and Complainer
Your lover, (in another life)
Blogger for Freedom!
someone who doesn't mean it
the guy in the car parked outside
your pool boy
An officer of the Rapid Enforcement Allied Computer Team (REACT)
your friend in song, Paul McCartney
Bizzarro Steve Jobs
Fluffy the kitten
someone who constantly seeks your approval
No one in particular
btw, everything I just wrote is a lie.
Zorzox, Supreme Ruler of Galaxy VII
your friendly neighborhood Spiderman
everyone in your high school who hates you because you got famous
Cindi Loo Who
Virginia, the girl who asked about Santa Claus
the original LOLz cat.
your inner child
Darth Vader, but please, call me Anakin
Head Clown of Crying Clown Town
The Happiest Person in the World
The Most Miserable Person in the World
Joe Two Rivers
Super Freak, Super Freak
One More Thing
Phil Schiller's next demo
Kitten with the sad eyes
Someone who just jumped off a ledge
The guy voted "most likely to succeed"
your Grade 1 teacher
Oscar the Grouch
Charlie Brown, (no not that Charlie Brown.)
The guy who's figured out Lost
Oprah. Yes that Oprah.
The guy who writes David Letterman's email replies
your Little Voice inside of you
Your Evil Missing Twin
your biggest fans, Larry Page and Sergey Brin
the computer that's become self aware
Lady Gaga's latest hairstyle
The Artist Formerly Known as Prince of Persia
The Ghost of OS 9
Exiled guy from Nigeria
The Inventor of Spam
Now create Steve's reply...
No big deal.
No chance in Hell.
No way [expletive].
Not to worry.
If you want porn, get an Android phone.
Bill, stop emailing me for ideas.
It sounds like you're just looking for someone to get mad at other than yourself.
It's not that big of a deal.
Are you nuts? We are doing the best we can.
I will rain fire and brimsone down upon thee.
Life is fragile.
You ain't seen nothing yet.
from my iPhone
from my iPad
straight to the Trash
There you go! See, it's insanely easy to be blunt, once you get the hang of it.
(Sorry, you can't send email with this, that would be evil.)