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Author Topic:   alone too long...
GameMaster
Highlie

Posts: 589
From: State of insanity
Registered: Mar 2002

posted April 11, 2002 15:46     Click Here to See the Profile for GameMaster   Click Here to Email GameMaster     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I am a mere 21. In my great many years of expeireince I have:

1.) Been in 2 relationships lasting more that 3 yrs a piece.
One of them on and off, the other with only one bump in the road.
That means that since I was 16, I was in serious commited relationships. I realize that I have not the same amount of "real life exsperiences," but I know a lot more than "oldies" give me credit for.

2.) Believed in ideas (and still do) that most "oldies' think are naive... Like "true love," "soul mates," and "love at first sight." I believe humans are spiritual beings that are more aware of their surroundings than just what our eyes tell us. I also believe that there are couples that "just work," where the people seem to be cut from the same cloth.

3.)Witnessed death and tragity. (this is not for pity) I have been alive through the death of my father, both grandfathers, a great grandmother, 2 class mates and 2 uncles(sp, sorry). My remaining grandmothers have each had heart attacks.

I know that you are jumping on his claim of "too long alone" line... I am sure you oldies have noticed a similar trend... the older you get the faster time seems to go by... Which means that a 18 year old looking back on 10 years is a lot different than a 90 year old looking back on 10 years. And the affect seems to be exponetial (i.e. it seems like 1 year is 1000 years at age 3, then at 12 You wan't wait for christmas comming up in a few weeks, then at 18 you begin to think about getting gifts earlier (although you still have a few to get on christmas eve) and by age 45 or so I imagine that you think you should just leave the tree up and not open presents (save them for next year)...

I guess this is more about age then about love, so I should take a moment and talk about the state of alone... Alone and loney are two diffrent things. Just because your single doesn't mean you have to be lonely (or at least that's what I keep trying to convince myself of). Remember a good best friend is better than a lover, unless your horny not lonely.

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annie
Alpha Geek

Posts: 334
From: somewhere in Canada
Registered: Sep 2001

posted April 11, 2002 23:18     Click Here to See the Profile for annie   Click Here to Email annie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by GameMaster:
Remember a good best friend is better than a lover, unless your horny not lonely.

But a great best friend who's also an incredible lover is even better.

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GameMaster
Highlie

Posts: 589
From: State of insanity
Registered: Mar 2002

posted April 15, 2002 02:14     Click Here to See the Profile for GameMaster   Click Here to Email GameMaster     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Best friend with benifits.... *sigh* such a beautiful thing. *sniff*

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EddieKatz
Geek Apprentice

Posts: 47
From: Pittsburgh, PA
Registered: Nov 2001

posted April 15, 2002 22:58     Click Here to See the Profile for EddieKatz     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by annie:
You know what the problem with "older" people is sometimes? (20 yr old speaking here) They think they know everything and they forget what it's like to be young. I believe you can feel just as lonely at 18 as you can at 40. And yes you will survive, even if you're single (everybody knows that), but most people don't just want to "survive". They want a little more from life. And feeling lonely sucks (regardless how old you are).
Not to mention "too long" is a relative term. Who is anybody to judge what is "too long" for someone else?


sorry, annie. don't mean to sound condescending, i'm speaking from my own experience. i look back at MYSELF and realize that i thought i knew it all, and i didn't know all that much. maybe the rest of you are a lot more worldly about relationships and love than i am, and power to you if you are, but what i've learned between 18 and 25 about myself and the world around me could fill a good length book (though no one would want to read it but me). and everyone older than me is probably out there thinking "she doesn't know crap", which is probably true from where they are. it's all relative. it's like they say, the older you get, the more you realize how much you don't know.

that being said, i stand behind what i said earlier. things will get better, just try to enjoy life and love will fall into your lap when you're least expecting it.

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stare
Newbie

Posts: 6
From: East Brunswick, NJ 08816-2714
Registered: Jan 2002

posted April 16, 2002 07:28     Click Here to See the Profile for stare   Click Here to Email stare     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
just try to enjoy life and love will fall into your lap when you're least expecting it.[/B]

Interesting, this is the exact attitude I've been taking lately, and things have been coming to me. Just last night, in fact, I had the most adorable little girl ask me for my number last night. That put me in the wonderfully cynical mood that I'm in today.

ds
[email protected]
--
"If it's real for me, do I have to prove it to you?"
--Bad Religion, Epiphany

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Colonel Panic
Geek

Posts: 93
From: Des Moines, Iowa
Registered: Mar 2002

posted April 17, 2002 09:09     Click Here to See the Profile for Colonel Panic   Click Here to Email Colonel Panic     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Listen up Stare Man,

Good news, bad news. First the bad news.

You sure have had your share of hard knocks. Just make sure you're not out there asking for them.

You've described some domestic abuse situations. And people who know better than you or I say that abusers attract enablers and vice-versa. An alcoholic, wife beater, heroin addict, sex addict (16 times in two hours, are you tracking with me, soldier?) put in a room with 100 others will end up pairing off with an enabler-- without each other knowing or talking about that problem. It's been studied. It's almost like pheromones. In other words the wife beater will end up with a beaten woman. An alchoholic will find the the son, daughter, or former spouse of an acoholic. The behavior was first noticed by AA, and has been identified with other negative behaviors. Maybe I'm seeing this, maybe I'm not. But I think if you print out your posts and your website, dump them on the lap of one of the campus counselors, they might be able to sort things out. If, and I do say if that happens, then they can fix that habit you have of bumping into Ms. Fatal Attraction.

Now, the good news. First quit the "Stare into my eyes" stuff. Yeah, you have your big brown sad puppy eyes that can melt a gal. But don't brag. It's bad form. Let them do the talking.

Next, quit playing Tarzan, and Carbonize yourself. More about Carbonization (not the Steve Jobs kind, soldier this IS Col. Panic speaking after all) later. First Tarzan.

You Tarzan. Jane is the vine. And you're holding on tight to the vine going through the jungle, when it's time to let go you fall a bit, and if you're lucky you might grab another vine. Might not be the right vine for you but it's a vine and even though it might break and hurt or kill you, you think it's better than falling to the lonely forest floor and getting hurt. Some guys can't find another vine and they sit under the old tree with the old vine at 2:am sobbing with a pair of binoculors in their hands. That gets them arrested, or eaten by Tigers or worse.

Most people Tarzan date. It's happenstance. Luck. Mostly hard luck, just like yours. It's why our divorce rate is so high. You could Carbon Date. Carbon Dating is healthy and fun.

Think of yourself as the nucleus of an atom, and think of the opposite sex as electrons. You want to generate electricity, OK?

Right now, you don't have a lot of electrons buzzing around. You're a lonely neutron. If you Tarzan Date you hope to become a proton, attract a single electron, settle down and become inert: Helium. Unless you're of an "M" faith, then you could become Neon or some other complex inert element. You want to be carbon, add some complexity to your nucleus have a few layers of electrons buzzing around you -- like Tom Selleck in Magnum P.I.

You meet someone and tell them, "I date." Not "date, date" which seems to have intimate expectations. But simply tell people that it takes a long time to get to know you, you take things slow, you want to have a good time, no expectations. That's your outer circle. The outer circle comes and goes, just like electrons and carbon. You may not see them often, the attraction hasn't built.

But then there's your inner circle. Maybe one or two special people. If you're like me most of the time there is just one. When one leaves -- say after some thermonuclear event -- then you have your outer circle to draw on.

Me, I have over 30 active names in my date book. Last summer I stood on a corner in Winslow Arizona with seven women on my mind. I count among my female friends a comic from Kansas City, two Hollywood biker babes, a neurotic Italian woman from Buffalo, a bisexual earth Mama from Atlanta, and a couple dozen women here in my home town. The one who is closest to me is my best friend, just not my type, I'm not hers, she's drop dead gorgeous, a former runway model, usually around for a free meal when I cook one for a date and get stood up, and regularly drops her daughter off before class now that she has returned to night school to get her college degree.

Every one of those names in my book started as "friends." I may have had some bad break-ups, some hurts, but I've always had my "friends." And I've never been lonely, not since the day a date ended with "let's be friends" and I took the lady up on it.

Billy Crystal was wrong.

Carbon Dating works for this fossil.

That is al.

Colonel Panic

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stare
Newbie

Posts: 6
From: East Brunswick, NJ 08816-2714
Registered: Jan 2002

posted April 17, 2002 10:01     Click Here to See the Profile for stare   Click Here to Email stare     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
And I thought I was esoteric. You make a lot of valid points, many of which I have been discovering about myself in the past few months. I'm actually in a different mode than before, less about desperation and despondency, and more into cynicism and realism. I've given up on trying to get people to like me. Instead, I'm just waiting for someone to like me for who I am. Simply, I am back to being myself.

And, for accuracy's sake, my eyes are mostly green. At least that day they were.

ds
[email protected]
--
Watch out for a site change sometime soon!

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GameMaster
Highlie

Posts: 589
From: State of insanity
Registered: Mar 2002

posted April 17, 2002 11:04     Click Here to See the Profile for GameMaster   Click Here to Email GameMaster     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I was reading the post on Tarzan Dating and Carbon dating... and I think I need to think about it a little more. You see, I really don't do either of those, simply because I've been in longterm relationship for so long. I suppose that could be tarzan who like to hold onto a vine for a while.... but that really isn't it. Both of them where friends who became more. I think the reason that the method to my madness is the qill to acheive that which one side of my family seems to do well with.... Meet a girl early, stay with them, married and happy forever. My Great Grandfather is married to his first squeeze for years and years and. . . They meet in elementry school, and have been together ever since. I guess, again, I am unclassifiable. I am picky, and I want to find Mrs. RightGeekette as soon as possible... I really would hate to carbondate, because my greatest jpy is being on the level with a mate that I don't need to say a word for them to understand exsactlywhat I am thinking, even with complex thoughts. I was told once that "dating is only an interveiwing prossess for marriage," but I think that I really look at it like life is interveiwing for meaningful relationship.

Alright I am done babling.

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Breezy Nix
Newbie

Posts: 5
From: The Valley
Registered: May 2002

posted May 05, 2002 15:50     Click Here to See the Profile for Breezy Nix   Click Here to Email Breezy Nix     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Stareintome:

Sweetie , you are defintly looking for love in all the wrong places. I have checked out your snapshot and let me tell you that not only will you be able to find that special someone with your geeky talents, but you look kind of like, Mr. Downey Jr. So don't worry about it. You have lots of time. Believe me when I say that.

------------------
Breezy Nix

*Nothing will work unless you do.*

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stare
Newbie

Posts: 6
From: East Brunswick, NJ 08816-2714
Registered: Jan 2002

posted May 05, 2002 19:20     Click Here to See the Profile for stare   Click Here to Email stare     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thanks. Always appreciate compliments, I could always use them. My time's been getting better, I'm always meeting new people. No one who quite fits, but I think I'm getting closer. Still out there, but, as a writer, I've started my best work yet. It's called Celia's Story, and something tells me this might be my key to the published universe. Maybe then I could pick up some girl at a signing .

ds
[email protected]

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GameMaster
Highlie

Posts: 589
From: State of insanity
Registered: Mar 2002

posted July 18, 2002 09:00     Click Here to See the Profile for GameMaster   Click Here to Email GameMaster     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Ah, I have it... A name for my type of dating.... "Apple picker!" I look at all the ripe apples, and then look for the best apple that meets my needs and tastes, and then finnally sit back and enjoy the eating of the Apple. The only problem that I seem to have with this appraoch is the "kids" that slip into the orchard and pick apples I was looking at, before I am sure if I want to try those apples. With the recent developments that I have been posting about in a number of string.... "I like this apple of my eye," and I won't let some "darn kid" pick this one.

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stare
Newbie

Posts: 6
From: East Brunswick, NJ 08816-2714
Registered: Jan 2002

posted July 18, 2002 10:36     Click Here to See the Profile for stare   Click Here to Email stare     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hey. Just an update, I've found someone! She's everything I could've ever hoped for.

Oh, she spawned a thread at MAF too.

ds

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Alien Investor
Assimilated

Posts: 440
From: New York City
Registered: Jan 2000

posted July 18, 2002 14:13     Click Here to See the Profile for Alien Investor   Click Here to Email Alien Investor     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I love that "Tarzan Dating" metaphor.

For those with an inclination to organic chemistry, I call it "SN2 dating" and "SN1 dating".

SN2 (substition, nucleophilic, type 2) happens when a carbon atom has a stable bond with one nucleophile. Another, stronger, nucleophile comes along and starts forming a bond with the carbon. The second nucleophile approaches at an angle where it's not visible to the first nucleophile. The fickle carbon literally forms the bond behind its back with the second nucleophile ("back-side attack"). At the point of maximum stress, the carbon is bonded to both nucleophiles equally. ("I love both nucleophiles, but in different ways!"). Eventually the carbon kicks the first nucleophile to the curb, settles down happily with the second nucleophile, and that's the end of the reaction. Until the next nucleophile comes along.

(Okay, I'm bitter, I've been nucleophile #1, and it hurt!)

SN1 carbons break up with the first nucleophile first, before the second nucleophile ever comes along. This happens when the bond is not very strong in the first place. The carbon then spends a short time in the unstable carbocation state. As a carbocation, it is vulnerable to any random nucleophile that comes along.

Some carbocations are more vulnerable than others. A carbocation that's got nothing else going on in their life but a lousy H or two is very unstable. A carbocation with some good friend groups (methyl groups or bigger groups) is more stable, for two reasons. First, the friend groups lend some electron density to the carbocation, which makes it more stable. Second, the friend groups sterically hinder the approach of incoming nucleophiles.

I hope you like this chemistry analogy. For some people, the chemistry bits will help them understand romantic relationships. And for others, their dating experiences will help them learn chemistry!

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neotatsu
Highlie

Posts: 651
From: A place my soul no longer resides
Registered: Jun 2002

posted July 18, 2002 17:19     Click Here to See the Profile for neotatsu   Click Here to Email neotatsu     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I realize that this'll make some people mad, or at least irritated in some way, but, frankly I don't put too much stock in the 'wisdom' of most of my elders. Quite honestly the world is MUCH different than when they were my age, and things in my life are different than things in their lives at that point in time....right now, I'm in love, I've found a girl whom I would call a soul mate, and believe with all my heart it's true...from the way things have gone in my life recently, I honestly believe that fate does truly exist, though at times fate can be cruel...I've been thinking recently, and, quite frankly it annoys me when people say 'happily ever after'..it just dosn't work that way...relationships, most often, can never be 'happily ever after'...who knows though, mayhaps my beliefs in ones ability to become a ghost, or 'spirit' after they die will turn to be true, and it CAN be happily ever after, or at least a reasonable facimilie...if not, well, in the end all relationships will either end in breakup or death, and, unless it's a simultanious death, that means it shall also lead to heartbreak...well, that's just my 2c on the matter..

------------------
"is anyone elses chair vibrating??"

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neotatsu
Highlie

Posts: 651
From: A place my soul no longer resides
Registered: Jun 2002

posted July 18, 2002 21:35     Click Here to See the Profile for neotatsu   Click Here to Email neotatsu     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
a little edit to me last post, I *do* in fact believe it worth it regardless of the risk or broken-heart...

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GameMaster
Highlie

Posts: 589
From: State of insanity
Registered: Mar 2002

posted July 18, 2002 23:55     Click Here to See the Profile for GameMaster   Click Here to Email GameMaster     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
ever after is not logically equivalant to eternal... Ever after seems to implies untill death. I do want to point out, that I do believe that love is stronger than death in some cases... I am not many years your elder Neo, and I have realized that age isn't what makes the elderly wise.... expeirence is! They've been hurt, and seen things that we will never have a chance to see, both the great deeds and the horrible tragedies. That doesn't mean we "youngin's" don't know anything.... Certianly we do, as often we have seen things with our "new eyes" and unique perspectives.

I have earned many peoples respect on this board, by the advice that I have given... Both young and old. And I've been told on occasion that I am full of it by both young and old... The reason that I say what I say, is because it is what makes sence to me, having had the expeirences I've had, and learning from what others have told me. "Every man is some how my better, in that I learn from him" is something that applies to my peers (my group), my elders (the oldies) and the young (the youngin's and kid stus). The fact of the matter is that advice is just that, advice not instruction. No one can tell you what is exsactly right for you, everyone has to figgure that out on their own. All people can tell you is what they would do, or what their expierences tell them is "right." For instance someone close to me is ingauged to be married, and I think that they are too young and have a lot against them besides that, but all I will tell her is that "I think it is a mistake, but it is yours to make." The point is: old people know things, respect that; young people have "new eyes" and lack the cynicism of the ages, respect that.

Now, for the people who think we "kids" don't know enough, and that age brings expierence... I have several friends who are well traveled, who have been expossed to many cultures and have seen the depth of human tragedy and triumph. They carry behind their young eyes more expeirence on various things than most people around here have... That isn't to say they aren't going to continue to gain more expierences, and it isn't to say that "some one who travels the world and goes to the finest university is smarter than someone who is never leaves the house." In fact:
Knowledge != Intelligence
Wisdom != Practical ability

Now back to "happy ever after"... My great grandfather is one of the smartest and most knowledgeable guys there is. He build the first computer in the state of wisconsin, back when they took up rooms. He designed the computer that tests the autopilot of the 747 boeings. The man has forgotten more information than many of will ever know. What was his smartest act? Marrying his first love... Loved her since they were in elementry school! My great grand-parents are alive and as in love now as they were then... Grandpa even still makes enduendos about her. I'd think it were a fluke, but there are a lot of other bakers who married early and lasted untill the end. It may be naive, cliche' and presumpous of a person growing up in a society where the divorce rate is so high to think that I will follow in this tradition, but I refuse to let the cynical people convince me that what I have grown up with, not as an ideal, but as a norm, to be an improbable if not impossible feat. I know it seems hypocritical considering what I said about the above couple, but I am not going to air the reasons why I feel this way, although a post that was edited blank had some of the reasons in it.

I think I've babled long enough....

So says I.

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neotatsu
Highlie

Posts: 651
From: A place my soul no longer resides
Registered: Jun 2002

posted July 21, 2002 01:35     Click Here to See the Profile for neotatsu   Click Here to Email neotatsu     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I wrote a long reply to this and it got deleted...damned, well, the 'cliff notes' version would have to be that, while I don't believe in 'happily ever after' I never said I don't believe in ETERNAL love...I sincerely believe that true love is eternal and that it's power extends even beyond the grave...oh, and there was a nice long P.S. about how much I like your advice and comments GM, you always have a way of bringing the few things that pass my attention to light...which is why I don't really respect most peoples advice or opinions, they always come up with stuff I've already thought of and moved past, heh, or just don't understand the situation in general...oh well, ciao

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Xanthine
Highlie

Posts: 788
From: the lab
Registered: Mar 2001

posted July 21, 2002 13:01     Click Here to See the Profile for Xanthine     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Alien, I LOVED that analogy, but I'm a chemistry TA so I guess that goes with the territory. Personally, I've only been in one relationship and then got SN1'ed, but as a highly substituted, tertiary carbocation my heart was not broken. A bit bruised, yes, (carbon doesn't like to carry a charge), but there was a lot of steric strain in that relationship anyways. Whoever thought that a lone nucleophile could take up so much space?

------------------
Take by surprise and the world gives up resistance.
- Tennesee Williams

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chicgeek
Geek Apprentice

Posts: 42
From: Houston, TX 77023
Registered: Jul 2002

posted August 01, 2002 19:00     Click Here to See the Profile for chicgeek   Click Here to Email chicgeek     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Stare,

First of all, you are a total cutie, and I'm sure you'll find that girlofyourdreams in no time, with a little patience.

Second, I'm 23, never had a real boyfriend, but I've been stalked more times than I can count on one hand. If what Colonel Panic said is accurate, and it sounds about right, is it possible to be an enabler for stalkers? Do I give off a "stalk me" pheremone?

I've even had a guy push me out of his life, and then turn around and stalk me. You'd think guys would stalk girls who they couldn't get near, but what he did still doesn't make sense. I really don't get it.

------------------
"I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." -- Voltaire

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