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 Our stupid lives
 Now you shall see me for what I truly am...
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| Author | Topic: Now you shall see me for what I truly am... |
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Twinkle Toes Assimilated 
Posts: 487 |
posted May 20, 2002 11:14
   
Yes, I, TT...the funny one, the sexual one, the (maybe) cute, lovable one...I am always sad. I am not one of these 'babes' or anything like one. I am not usually even happy. I mean, most of time, on the outside I am,...but I shall forever be internally decaying. I am sad. In fact, I'm crying right now. No, this isn't some period of depression,...it is merely the exposed version of what I am always feeling deep down. Today, though, was probably one of the worst days of my life,...that I can remember anyway. I had been slacking with homework for, oh I don't know...a month, maybe longer...probably longer. Last Friday, every one of us got our mid-quarter grades for 4th (quarter, that is). I only have one 'regular' class shall we call it...computer applications. When I say regular, I mean that it's not advanced and/or I can't get high school credit for it. I have 6 periods altogether, and the rest I am going to get credit for,...that, as you all probably know, accounts into my high school GPA...or, something like that. Anyway, my grades had never been so utterly humiliating, due to the fact that (of course) they were extremely below my standards. I have a great fear of failure, that all of you will never understand. Today is Monday,...I am not in class, but at home, by nothing short of what, at least to me, is a miracle. I had to show my mom my grades so I could get credit for the signed progress reports. *Oh God, I don't even know why I'm even writing this right now when I have so much work to do,...probably because I need to let it all out,...I can't take it anymore.* As somewhat of a perfectionist, I was so completely embarrassed by what I had to do. *I have become quite obsessed with the internet: talking to my friends is a great huge chunch of it, but most of all because of here, GC,...my favorite 'sancuary' in the whole world.* Then came my mother's scolding...like I needed anymore misery. After I'd pleaded with her,...literally gotten down on my knees to beg to her that she'd let me skip just this one day,...just this one day to make up all of my work...she told me with a straight face (which I think I shall remember for all times) that she would not excuse my absence. Suddenly, my world,...my perfect idea of all that was to become of me...graduating from Harvard,...becoming a biochemist....all of my dreams were suddenly wiped away, cleared from my mind like deleting precious files from a computer. I felt so,...Oh God,...there isn't even a word to describe what I was feeling (and sort of still am feeling). I had worked so hard to achieve everything I had,...and for what? For it all to just, one day, blow up in my face? Like it was nothing and never would be? I felt no,...anger, no,...bliss (as some of you might think the feeling of a thing or few might be if it were washed away from you...if any of you understand this)...I felt so empty. But I could do nothing at all,...just crumble to the floor and shake in madness, crying and clawing at my face at the same time. I am sad. Pure madness, it truly was, that she (mother) could deny me only this. All it took,...all my bawling was worth,...only one phone call. I don't remember everything that happened next,...the only thing that really mattered was when she actually agreed to excuse me. She made me delete everyone of my contacts, set the Parent Controls as IM and e-mail negative,...and limited my web access. I was still crying and shaking in my chair as I deleted everything listed above. I swear, I have never acted in such a manner, although at times I had felt like exploding (other days than this) all of my emotions. I have nowhere to turn except to my books and here, heh, GeekCulture. I feel like this has brought you all closer to me,...sorry if I'm getting a little, as Paul might say, 'weirded out',...but in truth, you all should really know me as well as you possibly can. I'm glad that I get to post this, seeing that my mother isn't around at this time. I am still crying for the feeling of shattered dreams,...hopes,..wishes,...everything is broken. I am just trying to paste the pieces of what I called 'life' and 'motivation' back together,...although I do not know if I will ever completely succeed. I have nothing more to say, but I feel as though I should keep typing,...my emotions are tied up in a sense that I don't think I can comprehend,...but it just doesn't feel right. I may be exaggerating slightly, but...I'm entitled anyway. I am, though, completely serious. So now you know a great deal about me,...or I should think you would. You know a little more about the real person behind Twinkle Toes,...Waldo,...or just plain Wendy. I am now wondering what my further posts shall amount to. I might totally change because of this, although I see no reasonable purpose why. I hope many of you actually do read this whole thing,...for it is very important to me. This may be one of the most important things I have ever written,...therefore, I shall save it on a Lotus document. I might feel like reading it again...although I can always come back here and scoll for it so that I may be closer to you ...I am sad...I know you've read this claim a few times before, but I mention it so often because it is hard to admit. I have shadowed my true self for a long time. It hurts. People I know think of me as some sort of...thing that doesn't feel. I do have feelings...most likely more than they do,...tied in tight knots for ages it seems. I am, however, not totally depressed. That's all I'll say on that matter...now I'll just sink away,...into my books, not to be remembered any longer, or to try to remember these feelings any longer. I'm not going to kill myself, no no...don't get that silly impression. I still believe I have so much to offer the world, and it would be a damn shame ( - Your Fellow Nerd, P.S.: I do believe this post made into a thread was motivated not only by my 'outburst' to today's event, but also by a certain someone's post on this board...whom I shall keep anonymous. ------------------ IP: Logged |
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platypus Alpha Geek  Posts: 295 |
posted May 20, 2002 13:59
It was me right? damn, I always bring out the depression in people. Well, TT, it's hard, I sympathize. We're here. But do better in school and you'll get it all back. ------------------ IP: Logged |
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Zwilnik Alpha Geek Posts: 349 |
posted May 20, 2002 14:02
Sometimes life likes to give us a little kick up the arse to see if we're who we think we are  You may have found out that you really want to go to Havard and dive back into your work to get the grades you need, abstaining from all other forms of life, real or virtual. Or, you might have decided that you're not the sort of person to go the degree route, and want to drop all that stuff and get on with learning things your way. Hopefully though TT, you'll have spotted the real you somewhere in between, a version of you that maybe doesn't want to be obsessed with the net and avoiding homework, but also realises that while an education is a thing worth working for, it sometimes gets in the way of learning stuff
There's probably not much room for self learning in Biochemistry though (at least not without the potential for starting a life on Earth eliminating super plague by mistake), so hitting the books and toning down on the net for a while sounds like a good idea until you know a bit more about what you want to do. IP: Logged |
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Twinkle Toes Assimilated
Posts: 487 |
posted May 20, 2002 14:06
quote:No, platypus, it wasn't you at all. In fact, you make me more happy  . I like your website. Nope, not you at all...thanks for you support, though. You too, Zilwink . Hehe, juust kiddin'.------------------ IP: Logged |
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ZorroTheFox BlabberMouth, the Next Generation.     
Posts: 1598 |
posted May 20, 2002 16:33
I've never been good at making people feel better, mostly because I have dedicated My life to bringing others pain. The closest incident I ever had to yours was when I didn't clean My room good enough. My mom decided to clean it for Me as I watched. She came in with a garbage bag and threw away all My toys. I took a long time but I eventually managed to put it behind Me. I am sure you will arise above this and all will be back to normal, as normal as it can get. I wish I could say something better but digging into the old memory bin has brought back a bit of the bitterness. I'll smile if you do..........Z IP: Logged |
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macadddikt18 BlabberMouth, the Next Generation.
Posts: 1725 |
posted May 20, 2002 17:13
Well, this sounds like a major problem. I can not say that i have really experenced something like that. I will keep you in my Prayers though. On another note, i am guessing it was not me who motovated you. I would be greatly surprised if it was. I bet is that it was either the all great annoyed cockroach or swiss. Nayt ------------------ IP: Logged |
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Twinkle Toes Assimilated
Posts: 487 |
posted May 20, 2002 17:20
Nope...but I bet that none of you will guess who,...at least for a very long time. And maybe when you do find out, you won't even understand what the motivation was... ------------------ IP: Logged |
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LifetimeTrekker Highlie 
Posts: 524 |
posted May 20, 2002 17:33
quote: As for your feelings, remember they are temporary, too. Believe it or not, you have the choice of how to feel at any moment. Your feelings come as a reaction to events. You have the ability to choose your reaction (but you have to choose to use it). Now, Wendy, get back to work. No more puttering around, stop feeling sorry for yourself and just do it. I'm really glad you're staying with us. Please come back when you have completed your work IP: Logged |
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TheAnnoyedCockroach Highlie
Posts: 552 |
posted May 20, 2002 18:52
My. Well... At least you're feeling something. I mean, there's people who would accept the grades and not care enough to change their situation. Yeah, sure, pain, humiliation, and general teenage angst do not feel good at all. But you're feeling. And for the moment, that's what matters. I offer the humble reassurance that your dreams have not been destroyed by an 8th grade midterm, though I know (from personal experience, milady) that it does in fact feel like that. Now take a deep breath, turn around... And catch up on your assignments. And be glad your mother gave you a day home from school to do it. As long as you've learned something, this was not a disaster. Cheer up. And do your homework. Paul ------------------ IP: Logged |
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GameMaster Assimilated
Posts: 382 |
posted May 20, 2002 23:10
You remind me of myself at several points in my life. I have a tendency to bottle emotions up, and then when I've bottled to much, crack like a thin-shelled egg. I found this Hill that is MY HILL, it is my place for Magick and my place to vent. When I'd boil over, I'd leave the house (sometimes even without a coat in the dead of a Wisconsin Winter) and head to this hill (maybe 2 miles or so) away. I'd reach the peak and begin babbling to the air about everything that had bothered me... I'd get mad that it wasn't helping, and finally break into tears and scream through them all of my darkest demons. I still use the Hill at times, but I've learned a lot about dealing with my problems. I too, have a tendency towards laziness when I'm bored with a class not moving fast enough, and I do slack off. I'm just now learning how to motivate myself (finding someone to compete and work with seems to hel drive me). The test will be Assembly which I'm taking over the summer (a shorter session to get it done and over with). You need to eliminate distractions, and just do the work. I have faith you can pull out with a decent grade. Your deep sadness might be caused by the conflict between being lazy and being a perfectionist; but, my guess is it has to do with not being able to manage stress. I hope any of this help you, and I'm here if you need to vent. You may also want to keep a journal to vent in, or find a place to state out load all the things bothering you when you boil over. -Jeremy Streich ------------------ IP: Logged |
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ZorroTheFox BlabberMouth, the Next Generation.
Posts: 1598 |
posted May 21, 2002 15:56
awwww, LT , it is not that I make people do things, I just strongly encourage that they do it >;o). I wonder if I could start up a fitness club where i get to whip the slackers, now that would be fun.......Z IP: Logged |
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Xanthine Highlie
Posts: 708 |
posted May 21, 2002 16:37
Okay Twink, you can pull yourself out of a mid-term slump. Believe me, I did that all the way through middle and high school. My sister and I took turns fishing our mid-term and quaterly reprt cards out of the amil so our father wouldn't see and tell us what failures we were going to be (and for the record, we both are currently Dean's listed at private universities we're attending on scholarship). You can still go to Harvard. Though to be honest, I recommend against it. harvard is infested with grade inflation. You can get more bang for your buck at other universities, and you can still be a damn fine biochemist by not going to Harvard. Moreover, my guess is you want to go to some form of grad school, in which case where you go for undergrad degree doesn't matter half as much as where you go for your grad degree, but even so I still don't recommend Harvard because grad students commit suicide there. To be brutally honest though, you have to get back into the habit of doing your homework. It's tough to focus at this time of year - you're prolly feeling more than a bit burned out, the sunbreaks are more frequent, it's over 55 degrees F and people are stripping down to T-shirts (hell, I stopped wearing shoes at this time my senior year!), the days are getting longer and you're trapped in a frickin' classroom listening to some teacher drone on about something you probably don't really care about anyway - but you've got to try. You've gotta build up a work ethic and make it into a habit or else you are fscked in every direction you can think of when you get to college. And believe it or not, your mom did the right thing. Skipping class will only make you more behind. Yeah, I know I'm being hard-nosed, but the sooner you learn to do the work no matter what, the better off you'll be. Now I'll stop being hard-nosed and agree that it sucks. I can't really relate because I never bothered asking my parents to let me take a day for anything. I could be feeling like I got scraped off the back tire of a tractor trailer truck but if my temp was below 100, I was packed off to school with some sudafed from my mom and mocking comments from my dad. As for the rest, you'll survive. Most of your problem is you're fourteen, and that's a shitty age for a girl. You'll make it through though. Just keep your goals in mind and you can do it. And don't sweat about Harvard. It really is over-rated and you can get a better education at other schools. Anyways, every West Coastie I've met out here in NY (including myself) wants to go back across the Rockies. So maybe you should think about Stanford instead. ------------------ IP: Logged |
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ajax_r Geek Apprentice
Posts: 40 |
posted May 21, 2002 18:12
Xanthine says: Most of your problem is you're fourteen, and that's a shitty age for a girl. wow.. and I always 16/17 were the worst years... when you're excessively hormonal and frustrated!!! (which is absolutely horrid when you're at an ALL GIRLS school...)
-ajax_r IP: Logged |
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LifetimeTrekker Highlie
Posts: 524 |
posted May 21, 2002 18:31
Okay, Twink. When you read this, you'll see you have a whole buncha folks rootin' for you. Geeks watch out for each other--we're funny that way. So get in there and fight, Tiger! You can do it! <Now recruiting for the Twinkle Toes Cheer Squad.> IP: Logged |
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TheAnnoyedCockroach Highlie
Posts: 552 |
posted May 22, 2002 13:45
quote: I'd love to do that, but I haven't got the flexibility. So I'll just sit on my arse and cheer you on. ------------------ IP: Logged |
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macadddikt18 BlabberMouth, the Next Generation.
Posts: 1725 |
posted May 22, 2002 18:25
I guess i might as well Join too. Only if i get to sit on my butt too. How exciting. When do I start? Nayt ------------------ IP: Logged |
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Twinkle Toes Assimilated
Posts: 487 |
posted May 25, 2002 20:59
Now isn't this sweet?... The Twinkie is BACK, BABY! And, yes, I'm done with my work! YAY Oh, and thank you for telling me that about yourself, GameMaster. I like it when others can relate to me (but then, who doesn't). Thank you ------------------ IP: Logged |
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bucketofsquids Geek
Posts: 96 |
posted May 26, 2002 12:09
do what i'm doing, learn to levitate and float above it all!
happiness is a gift one must discover alone. when you find it, you'll never be the same again. i promise. ------------------ IP: Logged |
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dragonman97 Alpha Geek Posts: 325 |
posted May 26, 2002 12:22
Though you sound like you're above most of your troubles now, I will still cheer you on - from my swivel chair, of course . I am such a procratinator myself. I spent countless hours a few weeks ago with my friends, catching up on all the assignments we had not yet done for our professor (of two courses). Thankfully some of my friends, through their desire to get done, gave me the incentive to start doing the assignments myself - I'm on the good side of the professor (last semester, I didn't do 2 homeworks, and he still gave me 100s for them - granted, I am the SI (a tutor) for his programming I and II classes, and have spent a lot of time on that). Next semester, I will give studying my all further, and really try to do my homework for once (homework, not assignments, are typically not collected - for those of you not into college yet - but are often useful for preparing for tests [some tests are made of the homework questions, and the answers have been explained at length in class). But I don't know if that cute girl will be in any of my classes to motivate me to do the work - however that didn't work out. Well, I've gone off on more tangents than would be needed to pass a geometry course (the geometry's just for you, Twink ), but I hope it has been somehow inspirational, or in some way positive. [I'm so glad I've been done for 2 weeks now!]
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dragonman97 Alpha Geek Posts: 325 |
posted May 26, 2002 12:51
Whoops, I double-posted by mistake - the new page didn't show my comment, so I went back and resubmitted (I should have refreshed first). This message will remain here for eternity in place of the double - unless I can think of something more meaningful to put here. IP: Logged |
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LifetimeTrekker Highlie
Posts: 524 |
posted May 26, 2002 14:29
I just realized the title of this post could mean something else. Twink, please tell me you're not a 45 year old man seeking attention! IP: Logged |
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TheAnnoyedCockroach Highlie
Posts: 552 |
posted May 26, 2002 17:15
Well that is certainly good to hear. Congrats, you've just survived one of the more annoying (hah) parts of life. ------------------ IP: Logged |
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snupy Assimilated
Posts: 420 |
posted May 26, 2002 19:38
quote: so that's what the refresh button is for! Yikes! I'm a disgrace to my new "alpha geek" title.... IP: Logged |
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FunnyAmeba Newbie Larva 
Posts: 3 |
posted May 26, 2002 21:05
quote:Well, the last time I checked I-...*looks down*...Oh crap! Where'd that come from?! Hahaha...no Anywho, congratulations to you, dragonman! I didn't know you were behind in your work...tisk tisk tisk. Well, you know how I love punishment I'd love to join you up there, bucketo'squids, but I must do me jig first (oh boo...I don't know how to insert my dancing leprechaun). Shan't anyone join me? I really am so happy that I'm done. Well, now I have time for...yes! SLEEP! Oy, BTW, do any of you guys have interesting/different sleeping patterns? I'm nocturnal (I can almost say that literally) so I sleep all day and wake up in the beautiful night to do my homework, eat, and such. Ahhh, lovely stars and sky, where could you be... ------------------ IP: Logged |
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AAPLgrl Newbie 
Posts: 5 |
posted May 31, 2002 01:48
quote: A 45 year old man sounds good to me! IP: Logged |
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neotatsu Super Geek 
Posts: 108 |
posted June 09, 2002 13:52
hmm...im nocturnal as well but you already knew that didnt you heh...im usually up till at least 3:30 usually later.....anywho... i cant remember the ACTUAL reason i was going to post so i'll just leave it at that heh IP: Logged |
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TheAnnoyedCockroach Highlie
Posts: 552 |
posted June 09, 2002 19:38
Is hibernation a sleep cycle, or just being asleep? ------------------ IP: Logged |
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Twinkle Toes Assimilated
Posts: 487 |
posted June 09, 2002 19:56
quote:That's my word again, you son of a-...  ------------------ IP: Logged |
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neotatsu Super Geek
Posts: 108 |
posted June 10, 2002 01:46
quote:That's my word again, you son of a-... [/B][/QUOTE] what the hell you mean your word i've used that word for years...stems from the fact that my best friend is canadian and his way of speach has rubbed off on me.....heh *mumbles your word my arse.... IP: Logged |
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LifetimeTrekker Highlie
Posts: 524 |
posted June 10, 2002 07:21
quote:That's my word again, you son of a-... [/B][/QUOTE] Actually, I've been using that word for a long time, but I won't charge you royalties, TT! You have my permission to use the word. IP: Logged |
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neotatsu Super Geek
Posts: 108 |
posted June 10, 2002 16:34
LOL.....sounds like it's universally used among geeks then twinkie..sorry heh IP: Logged |
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macadddikt18 BlabberMouth, the Next Generation.
Posts: 1725 |
posted June 10, 2002 17:36
I have to say, i use that word a lot. I learned it from somewhere long ago. I also know the roach uses it once in awhile, so it muct be some universal geek word. nayt ------------------ IP: Logged |
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neotatsu Super Geek
Posts: 108 |
posted June 11, 2002 00:05
well I really dont wan't to call alot of attention to myself here so I'm just going to post this under twinkie's topic (sry to steal your thunder twink). *disclaimer: the following is a long rant about events in my life if you don't care don't read it, it's really just somthing I wanted to say, and just wanted the knowlege that perhaps someone would read it just because it's a comfort to me to know that someone else know's what's happened to me. I don't even know why I'm posting this,...I think I just need to vent,...and I need to feel like someones listening. I've been a geek for almost all my life, I've always been in all advanced classes, and I'm sorry to say it's not exactly a very social life, no matter how much I want it to be. I can't say it's the fault of people around me completely,...I just can't hang around with people who aren't smarter than most of your "average" people,...there are some exceptions but not many. At 6th grade I was pulled out of school to be homeschooled for various reasons, the biggest being that I had so many alergies that I was absent almost a third of the school year. Homeschooling wasn't very bad,...lonely yes, but I learned more because I was allowed to move at my own pace. 7th grade I went back to school for the first semester and was honors in all my classes, but it was just like it was in 6th grade,...I started out fine but by the end of the semester I was almost perpetually sick, so my parents pulled me out of all but 2 classes and I went back to being homeschooled. 8th grade was fairly similar to 7th,...but 9th was different. I spent the year in homeschool,...but nearing the end of the regular school year I decided I wanted to go to school for the rest of high school. Well 9th grade is considered high school credit, and I had been homeschooled that year which means that I wouldnt have credit,...well we found a course through a college that gave me high school credit through distant learning, which I completed a full year of 6 full length high school curriculum classes in a month and a half. 10th grade year I finaly went back to school. I spent the entire year in school because I had actually finaly gotten over most of my immune system problems. That was last year. Last year I made many Good friends,...I was completely bored, of course, because I had'nt registered in time to take any ap tests to get into advanced classes so i began to slack off, I was your typical bored student who may have been confused for someone with ADD. At that point I had ceased caring about my grades. I only kept going because I had made so many good friends there. Well at the end of the first semester I had 1 A(japanese the only challange class i had)1 B (multimedia & web design(and that was highest in my class)) 3 C's (biology, business, geometry)and 1 D (sophomore english). My parents were furious. Of coures I realize they had the right to be mad but I didn't, and still don't, care. The second semester went better,...yet worse,...much much worse. I got an A in japanese again, and my multimedia grade went up to an A, I got B's in business and biology, sad to say my geometry grade didnt improve(still was a C), it just wasn't a challenge(I had a friend in the class that had the same problem with it I did,...It was to damned easy), but the real kick in the arse was I actually failed Sophomore English (me being a person who took the psat's and scored higher than most of the juniors that took them in this state),....I don't really shouldn't have failed it...I did enough work in the class to warrant a C..but the teacher,...the teacher had a habit of marking me absent and "losing" my work,....I barely got myself to do it the first time, I wasnt about to do them again. Nearing the end of the year is when we moved to puyallup. Three weeks before school ended we moved,...so I got up extra early everymorning and my dad dropped me off on his way to work,...making me at least 40 minutes early every morning. That was fine with me,..I didn't want to leave my friends there,..but I didn't have a choice. I'm not the type of person that really show's a whole lot of emotion to people,...there have only been 2 people I know in person who know what my true feeling's are,...I also recently told someone I met on the net. Well on the last day of school was a half day which meant after school I had 3 hours to spend with my friends,...I was extremely sad,....these were my first true friends in years, and here I was being forced to move away from them,...and with no real way to get back and see them. After that day it was 3 weeks before I saw any of my friends again, one of my two best friends had gotten his drivers lisence, which was great, we've hung out several times since then but, the other friend was never allowed to come as well....I still havn't seen her since last 4th of july,...we talk on the net but it's really not the same. Anyway, this school year started and I, of course, had to go to a school here. I realize that swiching after a single year may not seem to be much to some people but,...those two that I had shared my feelings with were the only people I had ever met that could understand. Well the first week at this school was hell. When the school made the class schedules they screwed up on mine,...according to it I was in only 3 classes and none of them ones I wanted(or needed) to take. I had to spend the first 2 days in these classes regardless. After that I got my schedule fixed and the next day i went to the classes I was supposed to have. The entire first week I only met one person who I could stand to talk to,...everyone else had very little to talk about of any interest to me, most of the school are snobby rich kids. It actually took 2 weeks before I actually made a real friend in the school. In the end I spent the entire first semester with three friends in the school, and they weren't close friends, more people I hung out with in class and at luch, nothing more. At the end of the third quarter I had made 2 more of such "friends", and a few dozen enemies. I found that most of the people here at this school REALLY don't like people smarter than them. I never said anything to piss anyone off but managed to do so anyway by scoring so high on everything. Well I had spent the first quarter doing all my work, I was quite proud of myself, but I was just getting angrier and angrier about everything that was going on and all the people there. Several people apparantly had nothing better to do than to try and get me to get mad at them. after the first semester it was all I could do to get myself to the highschool, knowing what awaited me day in and day out,...boredom and ignorance. After one more week I got utterly sick of it. I stopped going to all my classes but japanese and computer networking (5th and 6th period). I did go to the high school before that I just spent my time in the library doing what I love, reading. Well after two weeks of doing what I knew was going to screw my high school career( at this point I had ceased to care, my transcripts had been screwed because my new school refused to accept certain classes as the credit they should have been, I was ready to drop out completely and get a GED and go to college based soley on my SAT's,....I only stayed only because I wanted to learn more Japanese and networking was a plus too) I got called to the attendance office during 5th period. I knew it was coming, I mean, after all, I was skipping for a long time. Well, I was sent to the councelor to talk to him about what was going on. As I said earlier I don't talk about my feelings much, but I did tell him how bored I was in all my classes,....long story short he put me into running start so that I'd be in college classes instead of highschool. Well college is no different, I'm still bored out of my mind in all easy classes because of requirements. I actually have gone into much more detail than I had originally planned on, but the reason for this rant is my feelings. People tell me that I'm heartless, I'm cruel, insensitive,...that isn't a problem to me, but it bothers people around me, I tend to be sarcastic, but I'm hardly emotionless,...I just really don't know what to do,....I can't change who I am. Sometimes I really do believe I'm becoming emotionless,...my great grandma on my dad's side of the family died a few months ago. She was the one person in the family I got along with, the only person I could really open up to. Part of the reason I NEVER want to be related to the christian religion is her. She was an active member of a christian church for 10 years. She had a heart murmer(sp?) and was in the hospital for 2 months. During this time she recieved not one visit, not one call, from anyone at the church. It absolutley crushed her. She went back to church for 2 weeks after she got out of the hospital and not one person there ever mentioned it, no one there really cared about her health situation, not even her closest friends. Prayer for the sick is a rather big part of christian religion, at least it's supposed to be. She swore never to go to an organized religion church again. I came to similar conclusions for that and other reasons. Well, when I recieved the phone call from my dad, I knew immediatley before he ever said anything beyond "hello" why he had called. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. There are many things that I just want to be able to cry about.... but I just CAN'T...I don't know why, but it just feels wrong to me....I read around about it and found nothing of interest. I don't know what to do, but thats not really the reason for this post...the real reason is that I just had to vent...I had to get it off my chest and I'm not sure I really have done this effectively...oh well....I'm sorry for posting this but I just really don't feel happy anymore....Sometimes I'm happy on the outside but, it's the exact way twinkie put it im eternally decaying on the inside...as things go on I find myself falling further and further away from TRUE emotion(I put on a charade for my parents because I really don't want them involved).......I have the urge to cry even when I'm at my happiest but I can't....I've tried...well thats all for now...I'm feeling a little better just writing this. Don't get the wrong idea, I don't think of ending my life, one of my new friends at this school did that a few months ago...It really made no sense why he did...I'm not going to go into details but this is one of the things im talking about...he killed himself after I had spent every school day since the second day of school sitting next to him in Japanese..talking to him everyday..sittting with him at lunches...and yet I don't really FEEL anything about his death...when i found out the exact thing that went through my mind was "So?"....i mean...I wish he hadn't done what he did but I can't help but think it dosnt matter....I lost three friends over it because I couldnt feel the sorrow they did...I'm not really as heartless as that makes me seem...I just can't feel sorrow for someone killing themself...ah but now im just ranting so Im going to end this here....if you want to reply go ahead but as I said in the disclaimer above this whole thing has just been a way for me to vent. thanks to those of you who care....though I havnt been here long enough for any of you to know me I go through things like this...In person I never talk about me so I felt the need to do so somewhere....I thank you for your patience and understanding IP: Logged |
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Twinkle Toes Assimilated
Posts: 487 |
posted June 11, 2002 03:26
...I really don't know what to say to your post, neo. I'm somewhat at a loss of words right now. Your sadness is just as mine is. I know what you mean when you say you feel the need to cry even at times when you're happy...the same thing happens to me. I'm just really sad right now. Not because of you're story making me 'weak' or more sensitive, but because I can't believe anyone ever felt the same way about their life as I did. There's so much pain involved in this...it's like you can't even begin to comprehend what the depression and sadness feels like inside you. That's why it's so hard for you to let your true emotions out. Sometimes I don't even understand why the hell I'm crying. It feels so unnatural to cry at a time you're, at least, seeming joyful. My friends are like that, too. They think I'm some strange cold person with no true emotions of my own. It very much bothers me, considering I think of myself as having more emotions than they do... and much more stress on them, too. No one understands what it's like to be me. Can't they just realize that different people handle certain things in different ways? I may write more later...I'm quite tired right now. 'Night night, everyone. IP: Logged |
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uilleann Super Geek
Posts: 247 |
posted June 11, 2002 03:35
neotatsu: Spock grew up on Vulcan, and (at least according to one of the novels, Sarek probably) didn't have the best of times as a child from being teased by other children for his hybrid heritage. You, on the other hand, make me think of a Vulcan growing up on Earth, with acceptance of logic and repression of emotion on one hand, but on the other, a conflict between Vulcan lifestyle and Terran lifestyle, and feeling out of place for not having human reactions and not being able to be like everyone else. (OK, not strictly accurate actually as, as far as I can tell, Vulcan emotionlessness is taught, not biological and inherited, although maybe you were mentally conditioned not to cry or otherwise feel emotions from a very early age) Maybe you should take heart from Sarek's life - married three times, to both a Vulcan and humans, and with a fine son to boot (Sybok notwithstanding ;) Actually, Zorro explained (in his Zorro's Q&A topic) that there are indeed aliens living on Earth (guess who's seen Men in Black too many times ;) - we know Vulcans are out there (but it's quite a few years until we get to meet them) but maybe they have indeed already smuggled some of their people onto this planet, your family being one? In which case, you can take heart that you are a member of a superior race, and have a bright future of eyebrow raising to come... (Fascinating...)
- Uilleann IP: Logged |
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greycat Alpha Geek Posts: 301 |
posted June 11, 2002 06:11
I hope you get through this, neotatsu. Life gets much, much better once you escape from high school. It may seem like a long time away right now, but once you make it to the other side (adulthood), you'll look back and realize that it wasn't really so long after all. IP: Logged |
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neotatsu Super Geek
Posts: 108 |
posted June 11, 2002 16:07
well thanks for you posts,....twinkie I decided to post that for two very specific reasons. First it made me feel better to just get it off my chest. Second it always does feel nice to know your not alone in somthing thats painful for you. I wrote that yesterday night after some very depressing realizations set in about some things I'd really rather not talk about right now. haha...spock...well I really don't know what else to say....I'm feeling like my usual self today....happy on the outside...oh well.....life goes on heh...I really just don't know right now....I hadn't been to the high school in a few months so I went back to see all my friends..several of whom had the idea that I dropped out, because the councelor wouldnt let me go back to my old classes to be able to talk to anyone....The day I went back happened to be the day that the year books were handed out...I signed 39 yearbooks(I kept count) but I never picked mine up....theres only 3 people at this school I would want to have sign the year book 1 is dead 1 dropped out and i havnt heard from him in 3 months and 1 has been absent for the last 2 weeks...I'm ranting again...but that was part of what sparked my post last night...again I thank you for your time..... IP: Logged |
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ZorroTheFox BlabberMouth, the Next Generation.
Posts: 1598 |
posted June 11, 2002 17:08
quote: lol, guilty as charged. I also watched the animated seires as well. Can't wait 'till I can talk someone into going to the new movie with Me...........Z IP: Logged |
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neotatsu Super Geek
Posts: 108 |
posted June 17, 2002 23:38
quote: hrm....wonder what happened to my comments about the geeky girl I planned on asking to the movie...feh forget it IP: Logged |
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! Anywho, I'm feeling a lot better because of it. Plus, my spirits are much higher. My friends at school helped out also with that. A HUGE THANKS TO THEM, TOO! See, Z? I'm smiling :-D :-D :-D