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Author Topic:   I'm just venting, pass on...
Sad Person
unregistered
posted February 12, 2002 22:19           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm so depressed. I'm so sick and tired of trying to be positive. Half of me wants to get better, and the other half; the half that tells me how ugly and terrible and stupid and unloved I am, wants nothing better than to keep me this way forever. I have no idea who I am. I have no time to figure it out. I have deadlines I'm never going to be able to keep. I have irrational fears. I'm borderline paranoid, and counseling doesn't seem to help. I feel like no one cares about me. I feel friendless. I'm too lonely to care anymore, and too scared to kill myself. I need constant reassurance that my friends and SO care, and I'm afraid that one day they're all going to get so sick of my shit that they're going to leave me. So, I'm trying to prepare for that now, and it's just making it worse. I once had someone I trusted implicitly. She stabbed me in the back. I haven't been able to trust anyone since. Stabbing me in the back was bad enough, but she did something far worse to me. She stole my capacity for making friends. She stole my trust in true friendship and love. She stole my innocence. I mourn its loss, cause I'll never get it back. I fear intimacy now. I'm afraid I always will. I'm afraid that I'll never be able to be comfortable in a romantic relationship. Or a friendship, for that matter. I'm afraid that I'm going to be this way forever. I'm afraid that I'll never be able to feel properly again. I'm so alone, and so sad. I don't see a way out.

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mephisto
Assimilated

Posts: 487
From:
Registered: Feb 2001

posted February 13, 2002 09:22     Click Here to See the Profile for mephisto   Click Here to Email mephisto     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
why should we pass on when a fellow geek feels like this? I used to once feel like you did. But then i found that working to deal with one problem at a time would help you. Your moodiness might never change but the depression will ease. I found that theraphy helped me personally, they might even suggest anti-depressants. They might or might not work.....depending on what is wrong with you,....i suggest trying something like yoga or tai-chi both help you focus inwards and even maybe regain control of things....
i hope this reply is lucid enough becuase i still haven't woken up completely....but hopefully you will feel better sometime soon. I wish you luck, inner peace and may the clouds of depression on the horizon of your mind be blown away by the winds of hapiness.

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Steen
SuperBlabberMouth!

Posts: 1162
From: Maryville, TN, USA
Registered: Jan 2000

posted February 13, 2002 12:25     Click Here to See the Profile for Steen   Click Here to Email Steen     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Sad Person:
I can completely identify with the trust issues that you mentioned, as I suffer from similar issues myself, though they stem from a different source. As Mephisto mentioned, therapy can help. I had to have help overcoming my distrust of others too, but seeing a therapist did help when I finally made a commitment to myself to change that part of my life. It took a time and effort and was not easy but looking back, it was definitely worth it.

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TechnoGram
Super Geek

Posts: 245
From: USA
Registered: Jan 2002

posted February 13, 2002 14:14     Click Here to See the Profile for TechnoGram   Click Here to Email TechnoGram     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I know your state of mind very well, as I have suffered from clinical depression for many years. I'm happy now because I finally decided to take antidepressive medications. I honestly think you need to care enough about yourself to see a psychiatrist for help. Psychiatrists are the only ones who can write prescriptions.

I'm really serious about this -- your life is in danger. Please see a psychiatrist.

I wish you the best. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

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ZorroTheFox
SuperBlabberMouth!

Posts: 1117
From: Milton, WA, USA
Registered: Oct 2001

posted February 13, 2002 17:50     Click Here to See the Profile for ZorroTheFox   Click Here to Email ZorroTheFox     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
You should definately seek the help of a professional, this is a difficult road for someone to walk alone. If nothing else, they can at least get you pointed in the right direction. Try several different people until you find one you are comfortable with, not all professionals are the same. You have to take this one step at a time, eventually things will work out. Please keep trying...........Z

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Sad Person
unregistered
posted February 14, 2002 09:44           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I am in counseling, and I'm not alone. I desperately want to get better; perhaps that's why I posted here. So someone could help me. It's just so hard, and I don't have the energy for it, and I feel so alone. I don't want anti-deprssants. My promlem isn't physiological, it's emotional. I don't know what to do. Like I said though, I'm just venting. I'll get better eventually.

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Akira
Super Geek

Posts: 182
From: in transit
Registered: Oct 2001

posted February 14, 2002 10:43     Click Here to See the Profile for Akira   Click Here to Email Akira     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Sad Person:
My promlem isn't physiological, it's emotional.

Obviously, of course, you know the details of the situation better than we do...but there are some instances where a small checmical imbalance can result in what seems like a purely emotional disorder...if nothing else it might be worth investigating.

------------------
I am Dyslexic of Borg.
Prepare to have your ass laminated.

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Nitrozac
Moderator

Posts: 411
From:
Registered: Dec 1999

posted February 14, 2002 11:40     Click Here to See the Profile for Nitrozac   Click Here to Email Nitrozac     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
How I wish I could reach out and help you somehow. I'm so thankful that you confessed here. It seems to me that you're reaching out to our community for help. I've found that it's common for geeks to suffer from depression. I think it's because we feel separate and isolated and rejected from the mainstream crowd. Artists also tend to feel this way.

I was really stressed out, and depressed a couple of years ago, and you know what helped a lot, more than anything? I got NitroKitty from the vet. She was a stray living in the wild before coming to the vet. She's got her own mental problems, with being afraid of strangers. But I just love her, and to have helped her to live with me, I've had to stop being in myself and really work on her. It just takes me right of my problems, and I get so much back. Perhaps you would get more out of life and be happier if you adopted a "problem" pet? I highly recommend it!

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TechnoGram
Super Geek

Posts: 245
From: USA
Registered: Jan 2002

posted February 14, 2002 12:00     Click Here to See the Profile for TechnoGram   Click Here to Email TechnoGram     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Akira:
Obviously, of course, you know the details of the situation better than we do...but there are some instances where a small checmical imbalance can result in what seems like a purely emotional disorder...if nothing else it might be worth investigating.


That's right. Maybe you could use the net to do some research on serotonin. It's a chemical in the brain, and if it's out of balance it causes big time depression. The brain and the mind are really the same thing. So emotional causes and physiological causes are the same thing too.

If you see a psychiatist for counseling s/he will know if you need meds or just counseling -- or both together, which usually works out the best.

And NitroZac is right about pets too. When I'm having a bad day I just snuggle up with my favorite kitty, and I feel better right away.

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.--. .-. --- - ---
- - -...

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seraphim
Geek-in-Training

Posts: 31
From: sental star galaxy
Registered: Feb 2002

posted February 14, 2002 21:07     Click Here to See the Profile for seraphim     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I suffered everything you have described, and found a long-term cure. it takes time to work, and you have to want it to. Taoism. I'm not joking, it really helps you put your life in perspective. it will help you understand emotionally who you are and what you want out of life. please do some reading on the philosophy behind taoist theory. I hate to see a fellow human in agony. hugs for you!

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she's lost in coma where it's beautiful, dreaming in digital

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Janeway
Super Geek

Posts: 234
From: Cyberspace, Delta Quadrant
Registered: Sep 1999

posted February 15, 2002 09:55     Click Here to See the Profile for Janeway   Click Here to Email Janeway     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
A lot of times for me, just being able to rant on a message board helps. I don't really have anyone around in real-life to talk to and maybe my post sitting out there in cyberspace will help somebody, if no other way than to let them know they're not the only one. Good luck and hope you get to feeling better.

--Janeway

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2close2home
unregistered
posted February 22, 2002 14:04           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I have never seen another human being describe with such detail how I myself feel at times.

I'm just so relived that i'm not the only one who feels that way.

Things will get better they have to.

I wish i had some answers or secrets to pass along to you, I don't but the people here are really good at listening.

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dajt
Geek Larva

Posts: 23
From: Boston MA USA
Registered: Jan 2001

posted February 22, 2002 19:40     Click Here to See the Profile for dajt   Click Here to Email dajt     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
"the brain and the mind are the same thing" No they aren't. The brain is the computer. The mind is the program running on the computer. The difference is important for those of us who want to be running on other hardware someday. But capturing the state of self-modifying software running on self-modifying hardware is going to be a tricky challenge.

Someday our understanding of the brain hardware and the mind software will allow us to really DEBUG these things, instead of just tweaking the brain's vCORE, memory timing, bus frequencies, etc with various chemicals.

Of course, when they can fix depression like that, they'll be able to "fix" voting Democratic, too. :-(

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macadddikt18
SuperBlabberMouth!

Posts: 1126
From: In a world beyond your understanding
Registered: Jan 2002

posted February 22, 2002 22:02     Click Here to See the Profile for macadddikt18   Click Here to Email macadddikt18     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
"the brain and the mind are the same thing" No they aren't. The brain is the computer. The mind is the program running on the computer.

If this is true, i am running 3 or for minds on my brain right now. That would explain the voices i hear, and the mood swings. to bad my brain is not a pre-emptive system. then i could listen to the voices and do all at the same time.
Nayt

------------------
Through out your life you will wonder who THEY are. Then you find out who THEY really are. From then on you live you life in fear of THEM and you wish you never knew who THEY were.

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ZorroTheFox
SuperBlabberMouth!

Posts: 1117
From: Milton, WA, USA
Registered: Oct 2001

posted February 22, 2002 22:26     Click Here to See the Profile for ZorroTheFox   Click Here to Email ZorroTheFox     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I could get some sleep if I could just get the voices to stop fighting........Z

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Swiss Mercenary
BlabberMouth, the Next Generation.

Posts: 1461
From: All the way from the land of Chocolate, Cheese and Cuckoo Clocks.
Registered: Feb 2000

posted February 25, 2002 07:07     Click Here to See the Profile for Swiss Mercenary   Click Here to Email Swiss Mercenary     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

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Zwilnik
Alpha Geek

Posts: 291
From: London, UK
Registered: Dec 2000

posted February 25, 2002 13:49     Click Here to See the Profile for Zwilnik     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I just trained one of my voices to sing a lullaby. works a treat.

Seriously though Sad Person, it does sound like you're having a rough time. As far as the deadlines are concerned, if you don't think you can make them, do what you can to either get them changed or have some of the workload switched to someone else. Whoever's relying on you making the deadline will probably be happier knowing now that things have to be changed than when it's too late. Having said that, you'll have to decide how to adjust the deadlines, or who to talk to about them depending upon your situation.
And one big (more useful) point. At least you have a Significant Other, at least it shows that she/he does care otherwise they wouldn't be significant

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ZorroTheFox
SuperBlabberMouth!

Posts: 1117
From: Milton, WA, USA
Registered: Oct 2001

posted February 25, 2002 18:59     Click Here to See the Profile for ZorroTheFox   Click Here to Email ZorroTheFox     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
thanks for the comic Swiss, that is the very look I have in the morning. At least till I've had my morning Dew......Z

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Evilbunny
Highlie

Posts: 614
From: A Calculus book near you...
Registered: Nov 2001

posted February 26, 2002 18:07     Click Here to See the Profile for Evilbunny   Click Here to Email Evilbunny     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I am seriously going through the exact same thing. It really sucks. and sometimes I feel so depressed that I cannot do anything anymore and just sink into a black hole of irreversible darkness. The feeling of being alone is so immense and unescapeable...I don't iknow what to do anymore...

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Xanthine
Highlie

Posts: 513
From: the lab
Registered: Mar 2001

posted February 26, 2002 19:47     Click Here to See the Profile for Xanthine     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Sad Person, and the rest of you are as depressed as s/he is:
How long has this been going on? If it's more than a couple weeks, it could and probably is something serious. I know some people you are clinically depressed. One's in counseling, the other's on antidepressants. The one on antidepressants seems to be doing quite well, but she's been in treatment for a while longer than my other friend. It's a battle, and it's not an easy one.

Depression also sucks for your friends to watch you go through something like that, and it is very hard on your SO. To be honest, yes, your constant need for reassurance will wear on them. It may even drag them down to where you are now. Especially if you demand reassurance yet simultaneously try to push them away. Your friends want to help you, so let them. Trust is scary but if you want to get out of the hole you're in you're going to have to learn how.

------------------
Take by surprise and the world gives up resistance.
- Tennesee Williams

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Sad Person
unregistered
posted February 26, 2002 21:21           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Xanthine, I know you've been dealing with a lot of stuff on the opposite side of me. I have been depressed for a long time, though I think my depression stems from a stronger feeling of inferiority. Since my SO is incredibly mentally healthy, he doesn't understand me, and it almost makes me jealous. I'm getting counseling, like I said before. I had a breakthrough the other day, and I'm feeling better, though I don't feel my battle is even half over yet. I've done the reassurance push away dealie. I probably will again before it's over, but I haven't done that in a long time. (Maybe a month?)

One good thing is that I don't feel hopeless. I know that I'm not going to be like this forever. But it sure sucks in the meantime.

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