The Geek Culture Forums
The Joke Bank! FW: Pun intended!
|
UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone! | next newest topic | next oldest topic |
Author | Topic: FW: Pun intended! |
Snaggy Moderator Posts: 1592 |
posted March 20, 2002 13:06
1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backwards poet writes inverse. 5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. 11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 17. Every calendar's days are numbered. 18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. 19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. 21. A plateau is a high form of flattery. 22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. 27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 29. Acupuncture is a jab well done. IP: Logged |
ZorroTheFox BlabberMouth, the Next Generation. Posts: 1587 |
posted March 20, 2002 15:01
30. people who live in glass houses have faded sofas. 31. it must be raining cats and dogs, I just stepped in a poodle. 32. you can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish. 33. two men walk into a bar, the third man ducks. 34. a dog limps into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 35. a morticians life is always dead Z IP: Logged |
Geordie Super Geek Posts: 219 |
posted March 20, 2002 17:05
code:Which makes the swordfish on the front of "System Performance Tuning, 2nd Edition (O'Reilly System Administration)" a pretty funny joke.[localhost:~] geordie% man tunefs | grep fish IP: Logged |
macadddikt18 BlabberMouth, the Next Generation. Posts: 1723 |
posted March 20, 2002 18:41
well i have to say, those were pretty good. I guess this is now like the offical pun board. nayt ------------------ IP: Logged |
Swiss Mercenary BlabberMouth, the Next Generation. Posts: 1512 |
posted March 21, 2002 09:42
Oooo, arrrrgh, the pain, the pain, it hurts, what a punishment! IP: Logged |
Janeway Alpha Geek Posts: 290 |
posted March 22, 2002 21:18
Difference between a sentence and a cat: A cat has claws at the end of its paws; a sentence has pause at the end of its clause.
IP: Logged |
Pish-Tush Geek Larva Posts: 20 |
posted March 23, 2002 13:55
What was Achilles doing at the beginning of the Iliad? Lurking within tent. ------------------ IP: Logged |
GameMaster Assimilated Posts: 380 |
posted March 24, 2002 04:30
36.) I used to be a member of the underground balloon corp. 37.) I flew 55 kamikazie missions before they threw me out. 38.) My Hare is on fire? I don't have a rabbit, OH my HAIR is on fire. 39.) We must've went to difrent schools together. 40.) Golf balls? Is that anything like Tennis Elbow? 41.) Carpe Deim, A karp a day. 42.) It's not weather you win or lose, it's where you lay the blame. IP: Logged |
donnab Geek Posts: 76 |
posted March 24, 2002 14:14
"I'm sittin' on my watch so I'll be on time." - Bob Dylan ------------------ IP: Logged |
donnab Geek Posts: 76 |
posted March 29, 2002 15:24
43) "I'm stark naked and I don't care. Going into the woods, I'm hunting bare." - Bob Dylan IP: Logged |
Sir Aureus Mini-Geek Posts: 50 |
posted March 31, 2002 06:04
44) So this baby seal walks into a club... ------------------ IP: Logged |
ZorroTheFox BlabberMouth, the Next Generation. Posts: 1587 |
posted March 31, 2002 08:42
45. Polygram Records, Time Warner, and Keebler Cracker are in the process of a merger. The new company will be Poly Warner Cracker. 46. Fed-Ex and UPS are also merging. Their company will be renamed Fed-UP. ..............Z IP: Logged |
Aiyana Geek Posts: 78 |
posted April 01, 2002 19:21
All right, you asked for it... If one were able to clone a hobbit, would it be called a frodocopy? The hobbit footrace was so close, it was a frodo-finish. You can thank my dad for those. There were more Frodo/photo puns, but I will spare you the pain. Instead, I'll share some of the pun-war on the title "Lord of the Rings" that he and I had. 1. The world's best violinist is the Lord of the Strings. Aaaand I'm spent. I'm really sorry about that. I'll stop now. Anyone else? "Bueller? ...Bueller?" IP: Logged |
Twinkle Toes Assimilated Posts: 475 |
posted April 02, 2002 03:30
One of my friends sent me this list of funnies, which I found quite ammusing at the time...man, I need to get out more often.. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. A day without sunshine is, like, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. [- referring to the well-known Sponge Bob, I think.] Honk if you love peace and quiet. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. He who laughs last thinks the slowest. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. (that one's mean!) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. I intend to live forever- so far, so good. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. The only substitue for good manners is fast reflexes. Support bacteria-they're the only culture some people have. When everything's coming your way, you're in teh wrong lane-and going the wrong direction. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
------------------ IP: Logged |
EngrBohn Uber Geek Posts: 809 |
posted April 02, 2002 05:24
Reminds me of some of my own... I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. The problem with making mental notes is that I keep losing them. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. (Reminds me of a real-life story, but it doesn't classify as a joke -- maybe I'll share it in another thread) I intend to live forever- so far, so good. I plan to live forever, or die trying. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. Third law of strategic planning: For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision. ------------------ IP: Logged |
greycat Alpha Geek Posts: 300 |
posted April 16, 2002 12:44
quote: No, it's much older than Sponge Bob Squarepants. I definitely remember hearing it at least 10 years ago. IP: Logged |
Xanthine Highlie Posts: 708 |
posted April 16, 2002 20:42
millihelen: the amount of force required to launch one ship ------------------ IP: Logged |
tafkact Highlie Posts: 651 |
posted April 17, 2002 18:46
quote: george carlin or steven wright - i ferget which, and it's at least 12 yrs old... IP: Logged |
spungo Assimilated Posts: 458 |
posted April 18, 2002 05:57
Instant korma's gonna get you. ------------------ IP: Logged |
quantumfluff Uber Geek Posts: 843 |
posted April 18, 2002 12:41
quote: Steve Wright. IP: Logged |
GameMaster Assimilated Posts: 380 |
posted April 18, 2002 21:12
46 PTT) Preist who walks in sleep -- Roamin' Catholic. 47.) What do you do when a drunkard chemist is comming? Hydrogyn. Job puns.... This was a huge long thing that I got from my Middle School teacher and re-reading this thread brought it back. I used to work in a backery, was only in it for the dough. The job was religous work, always so holy. Bos was a foreign theif, a Danish Craller. Then, I worked at a Coffee factory, it was really a grind. I had a friend Max there, I knew Maxwell. The company went under, it Folder-ed. I did a few weeks at a farm, and I really milked that one. There were all these chicks and Babes around. So, I moved on to construction. Was really building my way up. The job was riviting. The boss was hard as nails. I told the guys what religon I was and I was condemned. I went to work at a orchestra, the job had a lota strings. I don't mean to blow my own horn, but I was the prinicple 'bone. The bathroom toilet was broken, and there was a sign that said "To flush: Wiggle Handel and wait for it to wiggle Bach." I was a comedian for a little while. I was a real standup guy. Gotta give me props for holding that one so long. Finially I had enough money to buy a Rolls. Rolls down one side of the hill Can't get up the other. You get the idea. Sorry about that, but I was forced to say it. IP: Logged |
JimmyWix Newbie Posts: 8 |
posted April 21, 2002 13:18
Does anyone understand this? MR DUCKS For those of you that do, keep it to yourself for awhile ------------------ IP: Logged |
spungo Assimilated Posts: 458 |
posted April 22, 2002 08:38
quote: LIB, SAR Jimbo. CM Feathus. MR Ducks. ------------------ IP: Logged |
Sir Aureus Mini-Geek Posts: 50 |
posted April 23, 2002 13:32
Flatulent Chemist: What smells funny? Literal-minded Chemist: Nitrous oxide. ------------------ IP: Logged |
Aiyana Geek Posts: 78 |
posted April 24, 2002 08:18
quote: ROFL! My dad used to do that one. We'd go back and forth with it. Thanks for the funny reminder. Though isn't there an "LIB" in between the last two lines? Seems like there was another similar joke, but I can't remember it now. IP: Logged |
Twinkle Toes Assimilated Posts: 475 |
posted May 05, 2002 17:40
That 'save the whales' one reminds me of a semi-similar remark from "Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls"... "Guano bowls...collect the whole set."...teehee, yes... ------------------ IP: Logged |
Aiyana Geek Posts: 78 |
posted May 07, 2002 16:42
There probably aren't many Jewish girls dancing at Radio City Music Hall, but it doesn't take a Rockette Zionist to figure that one out... (I'm going to get myself lynched for passing on bad puns yet!! ) ------------------ IP: Logged |
MightyJoeSakic Super Geek Posts: 153 |
posted May 08, 2002 02:38
The world's full of apathy, but I don't care. What if there were no hypothetical situations? Then there's the one about the ailing fisherman who traded a seabird for a sausage. Yup. He took a tern for the wurst. Sadist (def'n): A person who is kind to a masochist. What is the similarity between Little Miss Muffet and Sadam Hussein? alright alright....I'll stop ~Thom IP: Logged |
magebard Mini-Geek Posts: 58 |
posted May 09, 2002 01:26
Jesus tied his ass to a tree, and walked to Jerusalem. IP: Logged |
JimmyWix Newbie Posts: 8 |
posted June 16, 2002 08:00
quote: I didn't know about the "LIB", what does it mean? IP: Logged |
ilovemydualg4 Super Geek Posts: 225 |
posted June 16, 2002 15:00
quote: nor do i ------------------ IP: Logged |
Steen SuperBlabberMouth! Posts: 1229 |
posted June 17, 2002 19:16
"Well I be" a southern way of saying of "Well I'll be darned" IP: Logged |
Twinkle Toes Assimilated Posts: 475 |
posted June 18, 2002 05:26
Southerners are cute. Ooh! Guys especially from Missouri, Lousiana, and Tennessee have the best accents ... ------------------ IP: Logged |
All times are Pacific Time | next newest topic | next oldest topic |
� 2002 Geek Culture� All Rights Reserved.
Powered by Infopop www.infopop.com © 2000
Ultimate Bulletin Board 5.47e
|
|
|
|
|
|