2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backwards poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

31. it must be raining cats and dogs, I just stepped in a poodle.

32. you can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish.

33. two men walk into a bar, the third man ducks.

34. a dog limps into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

35. a morticians life is always dead

code:

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[localhost:~] geordie% man tunefs | grep fish
You can tune a file system, but you can't tune a fish.

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37.) I flew 55 kamikazie missions before they threw me out.

38.) My Hare is on fire? I don't have a rabbit, OH my HAIR is on fire.

39.) We must've went to difrent schools together.

40.) Golf balls? Is that anything like Tennis Elbow?

41.) Carpe Deim, A karp a day.

46. Fed-Ex and UPS are also merging. Their company will be renamed Fed-UP.

If one were able to clone a hobbit, would it be called a frodocopy?

The hobbit footrace was so close, it was a frodo-finish.

You can thank my dad for those. There were more Frodo/photo puns, but I will spare you the pain. Instead, I'll share some of the pun-war on the title "Lord of the Rings" that he and I had.

1. The world's best violinist is the Lord of the Strings.
2. Bill Clinton is definitely the Lord of the Flings.
3. He who runs a network game server is Lord of the Pings.
4. Someone who's not careful with their car doors in a parking lot? Lord of the Dings.
5. A collector of expensive vases could aptly be called Lord of the Mings.
6. The abusive comedian was known as the Lord of the Zings.
7. Colonel Sanders was the Lord of the Wings.
8. Could you call a chess master "Lord of the Kings"? Or would that be the world's best Elvis impersonator?
9. A beekeeper who's not too careful could end up Lord of the Stings.
10. Break both your arms and you'll be Lord of the Slings.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is, like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. [- referring to the well-known Sponge Bob, I think.]

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

He who laughs last thinks the slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. (that one's mean!)

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever- so far, so good.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

The only substitue for good manners is fast reflexes.

Support bacteria-they're the only culture some people have.

When everything's coming your way, you're in teh wrong lane-and going the wrong direction.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

And another to add to the list. I present to thee, the worst, stupidest, most dorky Chem. pun ever: "I am so BORON..."

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

The problem with making mental notes is that I keep losing them.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

(Reminds me of a real-life story, but it doesn't classify as a joke -- maybe I'll share it in another thread)

I intend to live forever- so far, so good.

I plan to live forever, or die trying.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Third law of strategic planning: For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.

quote:

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I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. [- referring to the well-known Sponge Bob, I think.]

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quote:

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Originally posted by greycat:
No, it's much older than Sponge Bob Squarepants. I definitely remember hearing it at least 10 years ago.

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george carlin or steven wright - i ferget which, and it's at least 12 yrs old...

quote:

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Originally posted by tafkact:
george carlin or steven wright - i ferget which, and it's at least 12 yrs old...

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Job puns.... This was a huge long thing that I got from my Middle School teacher and re-reading this thread brought it back.

I used to work in a backery, was only in it for the dough. The job was religous work, always so holy. Bos was a foreign theif, a Danish Craller. Then, I worked at a Coffee factory, it was really a grind. I had a friend Max there, I knew Maxwell. The company went under, it Folder-ed. I did a few weeks at a farm, and I really milked that one. There were all these chicks and Babes around. So, I moved on to construction. Was really building my way up. The job was riviting. The boss was hard as nails. I told the guys what religon I was and I was condemned. I went to work at a orchestra, the job had a lota strings. I don't mean to blow my own horn, but I was the prinicple 'bone. The bathroom toilet was broken, and there was a sign that said "To flush: Wiggle Handel and wait for it to wiggle Bach." I was a comedian for a little while. I was a real standup guy. Gotta give me props for holding that one so long. Finially I had enough money to buy a Rolls. Rolls down one side of the hill Can't get up the other.

You get the idea. Sorry about that, but I was forced to say it.

MR DUCKS
MR KNOT
SAR
CM WANGS
MR DUCKS

For those of you that do, keep it to yourself for awhile

I will check back later and give the answer.

quote:

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Originally posted by JimmyWix:
Does anyone understand this?

MR DUCKS
MR KNOT
SAR
CM WANGS
MR DUCKS

For those of you that do, keep it to yourself for awhile

I will check back later and give the answer.

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LIB, SAR Jimbo. CM Feathus. MR Ducks.

quote:

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Originally posted by JimmyWix:

MR DUCKS
MR KNOT
SAR
CM WANGS
MR DUCKS

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"Guano bowls...collect the whole set."...teehee, yes...

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Hey,...I've never used the lightbulb icon before.

(I'm going to get myself lynched for passing on bad puns yet!! )

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

Then there's the one about the ailing fisherman who traded a seabird for a sausage. Yup. He took a tern for the wurst.

Sadist (def'n): A person who is kind to a masochist.

What is the similarity between Little Miss Muffet and Sadam Hussein?
They both want to have their whey with their Kurds.
Or, they both have Kurds in their whey.

alright alright....I'll stop

quote:

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Originally posted by Aiyana:
ROFL! My dad used to do that one. We'd go back and forth with it. Thanks for the funny reminder. Though isn't there an "LIB" in between the last two lines? Seems like there was another similar joke, but I can't remember it now.

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quote:

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Originally posted by JimmyWix:
I didn't know about the "LIB", what does it mean?

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nor do i