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Author Topic:   FW: Pun intended!
Snaggy
Moderator

Posts: 1592
From: Canada
Registered: Jan 2000

posted March 20, 2002 13:06     Click Here to See the Profile for Snaggy   Click Here to Email Snaggy     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backwards poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

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ZorroTheFox
BlabberMouth, the Next Generation.

Posts: 1587
From: Milton, WA, USA
Registered: Oct 2001

posted March 20, 2002 15:01     Click Here to See the Profile for ZorroTheFox   Click Here to Email ZorroTheFox     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
30. people who live in glass houses have faded sofas.

31. it must be raining cats and dogs, I just stepped in a poodle.

32. you can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish.

33. two men walk into a bar, the third man ducks.

34. a dog limps into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

35. a morticians life is always dead

Z

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Geordie
Super Geek

Posts: 219
From: Fairfax Station, VA, USA
Registered: Nov 2001

posted March 20, 2002 17:05     Click Here to See the Profile for Geordie   Click Here to Email Geordie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
code:
[localhost:~] geordie% man tunefs | grep fish
You can tune a file system, but you can't tune a fish.

Which makes the swordfish on the front of "System Performance Tuning, 2nd Edition (O'Reilly System Administration)" a pretty funny joke.

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macadddikt18
BlabberMouth, the Next Generation.

Posts: 1723
From: In a world beyond your understanding
Registered: Jan 2002

posted March 20, 2002 18:41     Click Here to See the Profile for macadddikt18   Click Here to Email macadddikt18     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
well i have to say, those were pretty good. I guess this is now like the offical pun board.
nayt

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c:/dos
c:/dos/run
run/dos/run

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Swiss Mercenary
BlabberMouth, the Next Generation.

Posts: 1512
From: All the way from the land of Chocolate, Cheese and Cuckoo Clocks.
Registered: Feb 2000

posted March 21, 2002 09:42     Click Here to See the Profile for Swiss Mercenary   Click Here to Email Swiss Mercenary     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Oooo, arrrrgh, the pain, the pain, it hurts, what a punishment!

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Janeway
Alpha Geek

Posts: 290
From: Cyberspace, Delta Quadrant
Registered: Sep 1999

posted March 22, 2002 21:18     Click Here to See the Profile for Janeway   Click Here to Email Janeway     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Difference between a sentence and a cat: A cat has claws at the end of its paws; a sentence has pause at the end of its clause.


A newspaper holds a pun-writing contest. Joe Blow decides to enter. He writes ten puns and sends them in. After eagerly waiting weeks for the results, he finally finds out if one of his won--no pun in ten did.

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Pish-Tush
Geek Larva

Posts: 20
From: Birmingham UK
Registered: Dec 2001

posted March 23, 2002 13:55     Click Here to See the Profile for Pish-Tush     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
What was Achilles doing at the beginning of the Iliad?
Lurking within tent.

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And I am right
And you are right
And all is right--too-looral-lay

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GameMaster
Assimilated

Posts: 380
From: State of insanity
Registered: Mar 2002

posted March 24, 2002 04:30     Click Here to See the Profile for GameMaster   Click Here to Email GameMaster     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
36.) I used to be a member of the underground balloon corp.

37.) I flew 55 kamikazie missions before they threw me out.

38.) My Hare is on fire? I don't have a rabbit, OH my HAIR is on fire.

39.) We must've went to difrent schools together.

40.) Golf balls? Is that anything like Tennis Elbow?

41.) Carpe Deim, A karp a day.

42.) It's not weather you win or lose, it's where you lay the blame.

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donnab
Geek

Posts: 76
From: Cape Cod
Registered: Jan 2002

posted March 24, 2002 14:14     Click Here to See the Profile for donnab     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
"I'm sittin' on my watch so I'll be on time." - Bob Dylan

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Donna

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donnab
Geek

Posts: 76
From: Cape Cod
Registered: Jan 2002

posted March 29, 2002 15:24     Click Here to See the Profile for donnab     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
43) "I'm stark naked and I don't care. Going into the woods, I'm hunting bare." - Bob Dylan

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Sir Aureus
Mini-Geek

Posts: 50
From: wherever my pismo happens to be
Registered: Feb 2002

posted March 31, 2002 06:04     Click Here to See the Profile for Sir Aureus     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
44) So this baby seal walks into a club...

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I'm egotistical and I'm
proud of it!

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ZorroTheFox
BlabberMouth, the Next Generation.

Posts: 1587
From: Milton, WA, USA
Registered: Oct 2001

posted March 31, 2002 08:42     Click Here to See the Profile for ZorroTheFox   Click Here to Email ZorroTheFox     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
45. Polygram Records, Time Warner, and Keebler Cracker are in the process of a merger. The new company will be Poly Warner Cracker.

46. Fed-Ex and UPS are also merging. Their company will be renamed Fed-UP.

..............Z

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Aiyana
Geek

Posts: 78
From: Columbus, OH USA
Registered: Jan 2002

posted April 01, 2002 19:21     Click Here to See the Profile for Aiyana   Click Here to Email Aiyana     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
All right, you asked for it...

If one were able to clone a hobbit, would it be called a frodocopy?

The hobbit footrace was so close, it was a frodo-finish.

You can thank my dad for those. There were more Frodo/photo puns, but I will spare you the pain. Instead, I'll share some of the pun-war on the title "Lord of the Rings" that he and I had.

1. The world's best violinist is the Lord of the Strings.
2. Bill Clinton is definitely the Lord of the Flings.
3. He who runs a network game server is Lord of the Pings.
4. Someone who's not careful with their car doors in a parking lot? Lord of the Dings.
5. A collector of expensive vases could aptly be called Lord of the Mings.
6. The abusive comedian was known as the Lord of the Zings.
7. Colonel Sanders was the Lord of the Wings.
8. Could you call a chess master "Lord of the Kings"? Or would that be the world's best Elvis impersonator?
9. A beekeeper who's not too careful could end up Lord of the Stings.
10. Break both your arms and you'll be Lord of the Slings.

Aaaand I'm spent. I'm really sorry about that. I'll stop now. Anyone else? "Bueller? ...Bueller?"

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Twinkle Toes
Assimilated

Posts: 475
From: Everett/WA/USA
Registered: Mar 2002

posted April 02, 2002 03:30     Click Here to See the Profile for Twinkle Toes   Click Here to Email Twinkle Toes     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
One of my friends sent me this list of funnies, which I found quite ammusing at the time...man, I need to get out more often..

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is, like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. [- referring to the well-known Sponge Bob, I think.]

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

He who laughs last thinks the slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. (that one's mean!)

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever- so far, so good.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

The only substitue for good manners is fast reflexes.

Support bacteria-they're the only culture some people have.

When everything's coming your way, you're in teh wrong lane-and going the wrong direction.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.


And another to add to the list. I present to thee, the worst, stupidest, most dorky Chem. pun ever: "I am so BORON..."

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Look at me, dammit, I'm your little princess!!

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EngrBohn
Uber Geek

Posts: 809
From: United States
Registered: Jul 2000

posted April 02, 2002 05:24     Click Here to See the Profile for EngrBohn   Click Here to Email EngrBohn     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Reminds me of some of my own...

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

The problem with making mental notes is that I keep losing them.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

(Reminds me of a real-life story, but it doesn't classify as a joke -- maybe I'll share it in another thread)

I intend to live forever- so far, so good.

I plan to live forever, or die trying.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Third law of strategic planning: For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.

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cb
Oooh! What does this button do!?

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greycat
Alpha Geek

Posts: 300
From:
Registered: Oct 2001

posted April 16, 2002 12:44     Click Here to See the Profile for greycat     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. [- referring to the well-known Sponge Bob, I think.]

No, it's much older than Sponge Bob Squarepants. I definitely remember hearing it at least 10 years ago.

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Xanthine
Highlie

Posts: 708
From: the lab
Registered: Mar 2001

posted April 16, 2002 20:42     Click Here to See the Profile for Xanthine     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
millihelen: the amount of force required to launch one ship

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Take by surprise and the world gives up resistance.
- Tennesee Williams

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tafkact
Highlie

Posts: 651
From: nowhere, man
Registered: Jan 2000

posted April 17, 2002 18:46     Click Here to See the Profile for tafkact     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by greycat:
No, it's much older than Sponge Bob Squarepants. I definitely remember hearing it at least 10 years ago.

george carlin or steven wright - i ferget which, and it's at least 12 yrs old...

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spungo
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Posts: 458
From: Hell's toilet
Registered: Jan 2002

posted April 18, 2002 05:57     Click Here to See the Profile for spungo     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Instant korma's gonna get you.

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"There's more to life than books, you know... but not much more."

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quantumfluff
Uber Geek

Posts: 843
From: under the mouse pad
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posted April 18, 2002 12:41     Click Here to See the Profile for quantumfluff   Click Here to Email quantumfluff     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by tafkact:
george carlin or steven wright - i ferget which, and it's at least 12 yrs old...


Steve Wright.


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GameMaster
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Posts: 380
From: State of insanity
Registered: Mar 2002

posted April 18, 2002 21:12     Click Here to See the Profile for GameMaster   Click Here to Email GameMaster     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
46 PTT) Preist who walks in sleep -- Roamin' Catholic.
47.) What do you do when a drunkard chemist is comming? Hydrogyn.

Job puns.... This was a huge long thing that I got from my Middle School teacher and re-reading this thread brought it back.

I used to work in a backery, was only in it for the dough. The job was religous work, always so holy. Bos was a foreign theif, a Danish Craller. Then, I worked at a Coffee factory, it was really a grind. I had a friend Max there, I knew Maxwell. The company went under, it Folder-ed. I did a few weeks at a farm, and I really milked that one. There were all these chicks and Babes around. So, I moved on to construction. Was really building my way up. The job was riviting. The boss was hard as nails. I told the guys what religon I was and I was condemned. I went to work at a orchestra, the job had a lota strings. I don't mean to blow my own horn, but I was the prinicple 'bone. The bathroom toilet was broken, and there was a sign that said "To flush: Wiggle Handel and wait for it to wiggle Bach." I was a comedian for a little while. I was a real standup guy. Gotta give me props for holding that one so long. Finially I had enough money to buy a Rolls. Rolls down one side of the hill Can't get up the other.

You get the idea. Sorry about that, but I was forced to say it.

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JimmyWix
Newbie

Posts: 8
From: Marrero, LA United States
Registered: Apr 2002

posted April 21, 2002 13:18     Click Here to See the Profile for JimmyWix     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Does anyone understand this?

MR DUCKS
MR KNOT
SAR
CM WANGS
MR DUCKS

For those of you that do, keep it to yourself for awhile

I will check back later and give the answer.

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Jim Fountain

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spungo
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Posts: 458
From: Hell's toilet
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posted April 22, 2002 08:38     Click Here to See the Profile for spungo     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by JimmyWix:
Does anyone understand this?

MR DUCKS
MR KNOT
SAR
CM WANGS
MR DUCKS

For those of you that do, keep it to yourself for awhile

I will check back later and give the answer.



LIB, SAR Jimbo. CM Feathus. MR Ducks.

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"What she asked of me at the end of the day - Caligula would have blushed."
- The Smiths

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Sir Aureus
Mini-Geek

Posts: 50
From: wherever my pismo happens to be
Registered: Feb 2002

posted April 23, 2002 13:32     Click Here to See the Profile for Sir Aureus     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Flatulent Chemist: What smells funny?
Literal-minded Chemist: Nitrous oxide.

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I'm egotistical and I'm
proud of it!

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Aiyana
Geek

Posts: 78
From: Columbus, OH USA
Registered: Jan 2002

posted April 24, 2002 08:18     Click Here to See the Profile for Aiyana   Click Here to Email Aiyana     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by JimmyWix:

MR DUCKS
MR KNOT
SAR
CM WANGS
MR DUCKS

ROFL! My dad used to do that one. We'd go back and forth with it. Thanks for the funny reminder. Though isn't there an "LIB" in between the last two lines? Seems like there was another similar joke, but I can't remember it now.

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Twinkle Toes
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Posts: 475
From: Everett/WA/USA
Registered: Mar 2002

posted May 05, 2002 17:40     Click Here to See the Profile for Twinkle Toes   Click Here to Email Twinkle Toes     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
That 'save the whales' one reminds me of a semi-similar remark from "Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls"...

"Guano bowls...collect the whole set."...teehee, yes...

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Hey,...I've never used the lightbulb icon before.

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Aiyana
Geek

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From: Columbus, OH USA
Registered: Jan 2002

posted May 07, 2002 16:42     Click Here to See the Profile for Aiyana   Click Here to Email Aiyana     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
There probably aren't many Jewish girls dancing at Radio City Music Hall, but it doesn't take a Rockette Zionist to figure that one out...

(I'm going to get myself lynched for passing on bad puns yet!! )

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"You can lead a horse to prune juice, but you can't make him drink it. Nor would you want to." --Space Ghost

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MightyJoeSakic
Super Geek

Posts: 153
From: The Pacific Rock/NAVCOMTELSTA GUAM GU
Registered: Apr 2002

posted May 08, 2002 02:38     Click Here to See the Profile for MightyJoeSakic   Click Here to Email MightyJoeSakic     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

Then there's the one about the ailing fisherman who traded a seabird for a sausage. Yup. He took a tern for the wurst.

Sadist (def'n): A person who is kind to a masochist.

What is the similarity between Little Miss Muffet and Sadam Hussein?
They both want to have their whey with their Kurds.
Or, they both have Kurds in their whey.

alright alright....I'll stop

~Thom

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magebard
Mini-Geek

Posts: 58
From: vancouver, bc, canada
Registered: Apr 2002

posted May 09, 2002 01:26     Click Here to See the Profile for magebard   Click Here to Email magebard     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Jesus tied his ass to a tree, and walked to Jerusalem.

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JimmyWix
Newbie

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From: Marrero, LA United States
Registered: Apr 2002

posted June 16, 2002 08:00     Click Here to See the Profile for JimmyWix     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Aiyana:
ROFL! My dad used to do that one. We'd go back and forth with it. Thanks for the funny reminder. Though isn't there an "LIB" in between the last two lines? Seems like there was another similar joke, but I can't remember it now.

I didn't know about the "LIB", what does it mean?

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ilovemydualg4
Super Geek

Posts: 225
From: *GASP* THE 3RD DIMMENSION
Registered: Mar 2002

posted June 16, 2002 15:00     Click Here to See the Profile for ilovemydualg4   Click Here to Email ilovemydualg4     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by JimmyWix:
I didn't know about the "LIB", what does it mean?

nor do i

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my geek code
Hazards: "There is an island of opportunity in the middle of every difficulty, miss that, though, and you're pretty much doomed."

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Steen
SuperBlabberMouth!

Posts: 1229
From: Maryville, TN, USA
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posted June 17, 2002 19:16     Click Here to See the Profile for Steen   Click Here to Email Steen     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
"Well I be" a southern way of saying of "Well I'll be darned"

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Twinkle Toes
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Posts: 475
From: Everett/WA/USA
Registered: Mar 2002

posted June 18, 2002 05:26     Click Here to See the Profile for Twinkle Toes   Click Here to Email Twinkle Toes     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Southerners are cute. Ooh! Guys especially from Missouri, Lousiana, and Tennessee have the best accents ...

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Look at me, dammit, I'm your little princess!!

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