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Author Topic: Laying to rest memories of high school
Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted December 01, 2005 19:39      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
The second half of my story is here: http://www.xanga.com/Rhonwyyn

The e-mail exchange that prompted that half follows:

quote:

[Rhonwyyn],

I’ve been thinking about your phone message this week and I do not think it would be in either of our best interests to “hash out” anything from High School. Seriously, the stuff that you mentioned (“banquet fiasco”) would have happened almost 7 years ago in the spring of 1999. I honestly do not remember the banquet being a fiasco in any respect. I’m not sure if the purpose of this chat would be for you to bring up everything that ever happened between us, but seriously, I don’t remember 99% of it, nor do I think it would be substantial in nature even if I did remember most of it. This would be a he-said, she-said conversation and would be ultimately pointless.

Thus, I’m a bit confused as to what you are dwelling on, and why you felt the need to say so to me on Sunday about something that may or may not have happened 7 or so years ago. Let it go. Move on. Focus on your life’s possible future choices. What does God have in store for you in the future? What difference can You make in the world? Don’t dwell on the past. Honestly, are there things that I did (or did not do) in college or high school that I regret? Yup. Everyone does to some extent. But we must remain focused on the future. If we dwell on past grudges/regrets, it can poison our current relationships with our friends. I feel that you are holding something over my head right now; I don’t know, nor do I care to know what it is, other than something that must have happened a long time ago.

[Rhonwyyn], I want you to be a woman full of self confidence and self esteem, which I think you want as well. Unfortunately, I think if you were to be honest with me, you know that your self esteem is not as high as it could be. The self worth that I believe you are lacking is going to have to be found in yourself with God’s help. Do you have a couple of close friends who you’ve been able to share deeply with? Who can give you good constructive criticism on things you do well, and things you can improve on? I have one friend in my life who seriously knows just about everything in my life, things that only he/she knows and no one else, including my family, other friends, etc. This friend truly is a confidant who helps me thru any difficult times and is willing to tell me when I’m being a jerk, or unreasonable, etc. I would encourage you to seek someone out who could be 100% confidential but also a peer with whom you could share your deepest feelings/desires/hurts, etc. Perhaps someone like Katie or Laura, or someone from college? You told me that you had seen a counselor for some of the other issues in your life, and I applaud you for doing that. This is definitely a positive step in dealing with any of the deep hurts from your earlier life. Life is rough and for some reason, it seems it can be unfair because some people’s lives appear so easy.

I was and still am hoping that you and I could just be regular friends: nothing more, nothing less…much in the context that I am friends with Andrea, or Laura, or Mindy, etc. Sharing the highlights from our weeks each Sunday, gathering together to do fun projects (Christmas village party, graham cracker houses, progressive dinners), attending Sunday School, etc. [Rhonwyyn], I know that you are an intelligent woman capable of making good life choices. I want you to choose to look forward, cling to what is positive, and, while learning from the past, but not dwelling on it. I know that about a year ago you had shared with me after church one Sunday that you really wanted to lose weight, and you had talked with me at length at how I did it, how I felt, etc. If you want a supporter for this type of “project” I would be happy to do that as your friend.

[Rhonwyyn], I truly do wish you all the best in life. I believe that you will choose to overcome any prior hurts/negative feelings/etc. from your past, towards me and anyone else, and focus on your life as it stands currently and the future.

Peace,
Wayne

My response to his e-mail:

quote:
Fuck you. All I wanted to know was from your perspective, what was so wrong with me in high school and elementary school that people hated me so much? I was always on the outskirts of things no matter how hard I tried to be social and friendly. Yet somehow I was always rejected and rebuffed. I don't remember not talking with you my senior year, but I do remember that I thought we were friends, at least friends when we were in quiz bowl. Outside of quiz bowl, you couldn't care less about me, so yeah, maybe I did stop talking with you my senior year. At that point I was tired of being unaccepted by the Locust Grove/Campus Chorale/Doyle's Den crowd. My junior year was the best year I ever had at LMH because I had friends in the senior class. The next year when we were seniors, I was ever invited to any of your parties (and when I say "your" I mean the aforementioned LG/CC/DD crowd with whom I spent my time in the mornings). I absolutely can't stand those people now and can't for the life of me wonder why I even wanted to be their friends. They're an absolutely snobby, stuck up group of people, and if the e-mail below is your reaction to my sincere request to know what happened and why I was treated like I was, then sure, I'll be glad to lump you into that group. A person can't learn and change if no one's willing to educate him/her. And yes, you're right. My self-esteem is crap, but when you're treated like crap like I was in elementary school and high school, there's no magic wand that will fix all of that, especially when you have years of hurt and misunderstanding to process. Do you know how much it hurt to be excluded? To be ignored and rejected by people who were supposed to be "good Christians" and my friends? To not ever tell anyone that you liked them because past experience showed that you'll be treated like a disease and a blight? To just want to be loved and accepted for who you are, despite being dirt poor and more open-minded/-hearted than others? I'm sure if I had flashed some cash all of you would've come running, but since I didn't have that, I was stuck on the outside. And talking about all of this to Laura or Kari? They weren't there. They don't know what went on. And besides, it'd shock their pure little minds senseless to know what I've struggled with over the years. They've grown up in the Christian bubble and haven't had to deal with what I've gone through. And screw the weightloss thing. It's my benchmark. If people can love me even though I look like hell, then that's true love. Losing weight to earn someone's love—heck, doing ANYTHING to earn someone's love—is so ass-backwards. You don't know SHIT about me and what I've gone through/am going through. If you're not going to be helpful, then keep your thoughts to yourself. I'll be polite to you at church and at Sunday School events, but don't expect any warmth. Thanks for stabbing me in the back. Again.
So yeah, lots of frustration that the stupid stuff from elementary school and high school hasn't disappeared now that we're adults. If you read my post on Xanga, I do feel self-respected and have a decent self-esteem (of which Wayne knows nothing because I don't brag about it!). I've learned a lot about pain and hurt and rejection, and the importance of being myself so that others can feel free to be themselves around me.

Why did I post this? To get it off my chest for one, to elicit sympathy and approval for sticking up for myself and finally saying something about the lousy treatment I (and others, sadly) received at the hands of my school's "upstanding citizens," and to let others know that they're not the only ones who've been treated like scum in high school and elementary school. Yes, it hurts like hell, but if you're willing to open up and talk about it—get all the infection out of the wound—you can start healing. I feel better already having told someone about it. Thanks for listening!

(And yes, I did use a few choice words to relate my feelings. (Maybe he'll be shocked? Who is he to tell me what I'm feeling and what's best for me. He obviously doesn't know Jack about me if this is his idea of what will "help" me.) I also wrote in one huge paragraph 'cause I was too upset by his e-mail to worry about it!)

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Change the way you SEE, not the way you LOOK!

Posts: 3849 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged
YaYawoman

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Icon 1 posted December 01, 2005 20:30      Profile for YaYawoman     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
YES! Well done, well said!!!

Forget about them. Some people lead such golden charmed lives they never deepen and they never 'get it'.

Personally, I think that condescending pig needs to be skinned and made into a football. Maybe being kicked around a bit would be good for him.
Well, on 2nd thought,.......aw hell lets just go with it. [Big Grin]

Posts: 765 | From: virginia | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged
Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted December 01, 2005 20:38      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
hehe. thanks, yayawoman. incidentally, I came across the website of one of the people on my list. He was a nice enough guy, but definitely went along with the crowd. On his list of 100 things about himself:
quote:
49. I sometimes feel guilty that life has been so easy for me.
Signs that at least one person out of that bunch is growing up?

Hmm, I'm starting to sound harsh in my sarcasm. Probably not good. [Frown]

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Change the way you SEE, not the way you LOOK!

Posts: 3849 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged
garlicguy

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Icon 1 posted December 01, 2005 20:45      Profile for garlicguy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Geez, Rhon, I don't know. First you offer him sex and then verbally whack him. You probably knocked him right out of Wayne's World. [Big Grin]

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I don't know what I was thinking... it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Posts: 3752 | From: Pluto, no matter what you call it, is still my home. | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted December 01, 2005 21:14      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
LOL. I had to read your post twice before I figured out where I mentioned sex. Oy. Should've known I could count on you for pointing out the humor in this drama! [Razz]

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Change the way you SEE, not the way you LOOK!

Posts: 3849 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged
YaYawoman

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Icon 1 posted December 01, 2005 21:19      Profile for YaYawoman     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
'List'?!
Your nag YaYa suggests 2 alternatives for your 'list'( [Smile] )

1. Burn it. As the smoke is floating away in the cool,crisp air visualize your hurts and issues with everyone on it floating away with the smoke.If that seems a touch to New Age/Pagan then

2. Use it for toilet paper. Flush. Bye bye list.

One more thought. Harshness and misfortune hit everyone eventually. Life is like that. At least you have gone through very tough times, so when harshness hits you again you will know how to slog on. What will goldenboy do? They will have no clue how to cope and keep on going.

Head up, shoulders back and don't forget the deep breathing! [Big Grin]

Posts: 765 | From: virginia | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged
Tom- geeking around

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Icon 1 posted December 02, 2005 00:42      Profile for Tom- geeking around   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Rhonie, I really like his answer - because it is well written, and it's so incredibly full of shit - and I like yours even more.
Even though I sometimes felt like: " [Eek!] - did Rhonie say that? No, never! Ok, where did you bring her, and who are you?"
But I feel that your language has reason to be here and absolutely should be there.
Even though he talks a lot about the past and maybe having hurt you, he never apoligizes for it -what a dick!

Ultimately, I think that you did the right thing:
Relieve some pressure by teling people what they did to you- and then just getting rid of it all and have your peace.

[Smile] - BTW: Nice to see you back my dear. We haven't heard from you quite some time since you moved. But I am glad you are back and sent this guy your answer.
[Applause]

Thomas

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Pizza and ginormous jugs is what I need!

Posts: 374 | From: Vienna | Registered: Aug 2004  |  IP: Logged
Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted December 02, 2005 01:26      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Aww, my darling Tom! I've missed you too! We've been swamped at work (thank God November is over!) and I've had to relapse to dial-up if I want to use the Internet at home. I'm so ready to move back to "my" house to have my freedom, privacy, new bed, and broadband again!

Countdown: 32 days

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Change the way you SEE, not the way you LOOK!

Posts: 3849 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged
Callipygous
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Icon 1 posted December 02, 2005 08:56      Profile for Callipygous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I left school in 1968, but still have a lot of rage and a genuine hatred for the people who continuously persecuted me for their casual amusement there during the previous 5 years. I think that, although this goes counter to currently accepted theories, they are feelings best kept buried, as the only real way to exorcise them would involve some sharp knives and slitting throats! It is good however that you let one of your former tormentors know how deep the bitterness goes, though judging by his smug e-mail, I doubt that it actually got through to him.

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"Knowledge is Power. France is Bacon" - Milton

Posts: 2922 | From: Brighton - UK | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged
Sxeptomaniac

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Icon 1 posted December 02, 2005 09:11      Profile for Sxeptomaniac   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Your post reminds me of a lot of similar things I dealt with in high school. I also had a miserable senior year, because the friends I had hung out with had graduated the year before. I made attempts to hang out with some of the people I knew from church, only to be treated like crap. One in particular took every opportunity he could to verbally cut me down (my assesment in retrospect is that he wanted to be the alpha male and I didn't follow his lead).

Honestly, though, I can't remember most of their names anymore. I broke ties with my hometown, Hanford, and certainly haven't seen any of that crowd in about 7 or 8 years. Hanford is one of those nice towns full of sheltered, elitist people. Forget them. I'll take Fresno's inner city over that crap. I can honestly say I hope that their lives have turned out well, but I also don't care to ever see any of them again.

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Let's pray that the human race never escapes from Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere. - C. S. Lewis

Posts: 1590 | From: Fresno, CA | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged
drunkennewfiemidget
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Icon 1 posted December 02, 2005 10:01      Profile for drunkennewfiemidget     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Again, I apologise in advance for anyone I may piss off with this, but I'm gonna say it anyway because it's the truth.

Don't linger on what happened in highschool. Hell, don't linger on what happened yesterday. If you're a Christian, know that he has God to answer to. If you're a non-believer, know that what comes around goes around. And it does.

Take solace in the fact that you were the better person, but for god sakes, let bygones be bygones, what happened in the past only made you strong and a better person for it. Letting it dwell will only eat away at you. Don't try and confront the person, just be happy you're a better person, and that's the end of that.

Posts: 4897 | From: Cambridge, ON, Canada | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged
Sxeptomaniac

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Icon 1 posted December 02, 2005 10:39      Profile for Sxeptomaniac   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I would agree with DNFM, though it's easier said than done. [ohwell]

It sounds like there is just too much history with these people to make things work. You've made your feelings known, and it's clear that few, if any, of them are willing to own up to their past mistakes at this point. Being able to forgive them is a good thing, but sometimes a little time and distance from them will make things easier.

I don't know about your circumstances, so this might be lousy advice, but I think you should get away from these people. If these bad memories and feelings get dragged up when you see or talk to them, you at probably need to be able to move forward without the past constantly in your face.

Disclaimer: The above is based on my experience, YMMV.

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Let's pray that the human race never escapes from Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere. - C. S. Lewis

Posts: 1590 | From: Fresno, CA | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged
Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted December 02, 2005 10:52      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thankfully I see only Wayne on a regular basis. I've been meaning to find a new church 'cause the one I'm attending now starts too early for a 2nd shifter and is at least 20 minutes away from the Buckwalters' house (which I'm renting while they're in CA). I haven't done so yet because I have decent friendships with the girls he mentioned in his e-mail, and I would miss them.

In an effort to remove myself from emotionally frigid Lancaster County, I'm applying to grad school at Penn State. I loved what I studied and the people I met up there. I still have friends in State College and I miss them terribly. Plus, it's been my dream for at least five years now to be a university lecturer, so going back to school couldn't come at a better time.

Calli, holding all sorts of bitterness inside you isn't healthy. While opening up and getting it out is extremely painful, once it's in the open it can't hurt you anymore. I feel so much better now that I've acknowledged what happened to me, shared about it, and pledged to "move on." You can't destroy the dragon if you don't acknowledge he's in your living room.

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Change the way you SEE, not the way you LOOK!

Posts: 3849 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged
Stereo

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Icon 12 posted December 02, 2005 11:48      Profile for Stereo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
You know that "classmate" site? There is one thing I like about it: the girls who disliked me and tormented me in high school (they even stole two of my closest friends - one of them came back to me in our last year, btw) aren't on the page for my high-school and years. I like to think that being the a**holes they were, they never learnt to use the Internet, or something along. So here I am, good education, well paying job, while they are left in the dark of their stupidity.

It may not be very kind a thought, but it is soooo comforting... [evil]

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Eppur, si muove!

Galileo Galilei

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Serenak

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Icon 1 posted December 02, 2005 14:20      Profile for Serenak     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
The past is a foreign country... It is often pleasant to visit. But you wouldn't necessarily want to live there.

Rhonwyyn - you have faced up to the past and voiced your opinion... (and good for you too). You have realised that many talk the talk but can't walk the walk.. That can be painful but if you can swallow the hurt and move on it WILL make you a better and stronger person.

You don't need any *affirmation* from these people - say your piece and move on (it will likely whistle clean over their heads anyhow) but by saying it you are accepting what was and what effects it might have had on you as a person.

You know my own views I think (hope) and I think you are far too good a person to be worrying about these jerks...

You have a faith that I hope will give you the strength to follow a path that though sometimes hard will reward you in the end...

Most here know that your faith is something I cannot share - but that does not belittle it in any way (it might belittle me, or it might not, depending on how you view it...) But that is not the issue here.

I am nearly twice your age (like that is actually worth something.... NOT) and have been through different hells to you, at differnet times and for different reasons...

In the end only two things matter... Your self esteem (which only you can learn the value of) and your ability to realise that assholes is assholes is assholes....

As a big lottery US winner once said on TV "winning the lottery doesn't make you a good person... If an asshole wins the lottery they just become a rich asshole..."

And that applies in so many other things too. I see people who earn 5-10x what I do and think what an ass... "why can't I get paid that kinda money?" But in all of my years (and in everything I've done) the one thing I have never been prepared to sell out or accept is the impuging of my personal or professional integrity...

Because without my integrity I am NOTHING...

You have yours too - and from what I see you have preserved it pretty well. In the end (for me at least) be it before God or yourself (or Omba Googgo of Fanatbile Land) the worst crimes committed are when you know deep down you have compromised your own integrity (or gone against your conscience if you like)...

You have shown yourself and them who has the deeper personal integrity... he can't even remember what he's done FGS - personnally or otherwise.

Be strong Rhonwyyn - you are already making the moves that will teach you that you are YOU and you should celebrate that... With God, or through your church, or with friends or lovers, or whoever will listen...

I know you can do it... I have faith in you for that...

Go Rhonwyyn go...

[Happytears]

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"So if you want my address - it's No. 1 at the end of the bar, where I sit with the broken angels, clutching at straws and nursing my scars..."

Posts: 1937 | From: Suffolk England | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged
nerdwithnofriends
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Icon 1 posted December 02, 2005 14:45      Profile for nerdwithnofriends     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
so I'm gonna go to that link first... but what started all this, anyways?

Anybody feel like doing a recap for nwnf?

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"The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top of a mountain or in the petals of a flower." - Robert M. Pirsig

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garlicguy

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Icon 1 posted December 02, 2005 14:53      Profile for garlicguy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
It's all there, lad. You just have to read it from top to bottom. Try to skip over the gratuitous sex parts.

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I don't know what I was thinking... it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Posts: 3752 | From: Pluto, no matter what you call it, is still my home. | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
nerdwithnofriends
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Icon 1 posted December 02, 2005 14:55      Profile for nerdwithnofriends     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
EDIT: Decided to PM this directly to rhonny, because it may be taken the wrong way and I'd rather not pollute the boards with verbal beatings and emotional blood.

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"The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top of a mountain or in the petals of a flower." - Robert M. Pirsig

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garlicguy

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Icon 1 posted December 02, 2005 15:04      Profile for garlicguy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
<ducking behind large rock>

I foresee flying fish in this thread. [Big Grin]

</ducking behind large rock>

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I don't know what I was thinking... it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Posts: 3752 | From: Pluto, no matter what you call it, is still my home. | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
cheryl
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Icon 1 posted December 07, 2005 01:11      Profile for cheryl   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
God, that reminds me of my school...

its a roman catholic school, but you can never guess that from the students in it. everyone is bullied, only the stupid and loud mouthed are excepted. so now anyone who survives 5 years of chester catholic high school comes out as a cynical, sarcastic wreck.

but hey, isnt that the point of high school to rip out all individuality and stamp on it, eat it up and regurgitate it in your face!!

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dont bother running, you'll only die tired!

Posts: 65 | From: 3rd planet from the sun | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged
spungo
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Icon 1 posted December 07, 2005 03:48      Profile for spungo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Serenak:
The past is a foreign country...

Indeedy. I can get myself any footwear I desire these days... and no, I haven't gone loopy. At my school if you couldn't play football (soccer), you were scum, an outcast. If you couldn't play football and didn't wear an acceptable brand of sneaker (Adidas, Nike, etc.), you were double-plus ungood scum.

Just an example of how what may have been relevant at the time is now utterly meaningless, that the basis of many a persecution back then was often quite ridiculous.

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Shameless plug. (Please forgive me.)

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