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csk

Member # 1941

Member Rated:
5
Icon 1 posted September 06, 2004 03:52      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Those who have been around a while might remember the original "Numb" thread, posted here I figured it was high time for an update, since I just got back from visiting my daughter.

Well, the marriage is definitely over. I was introduced to my ex's church friends as "Rachael's father", rather than her husband, and she has stopped wearing the wedding ring. My ex (and almost 1 year old daughter) are continuing to live with my ex's mother eight hours away from Sydney. At this stage she seems to be keen to continue this arrangement indefinitely, which means either I have to travel up there to visit my daughter, or wait until the school holidays when they visit Sydney (this is so her mother can come with her everywhere, and her mother is a schoolteacher, so it lines up with her holidays). Oh, did I mention that her mother is ensuring that she's always around when I am around my ex, just in case we might spend time alone together. Not that it's necessary, since I've given up on reconciliation unless my ex changes her mind and initiates it.

Despite all that, I'm remaining positive. In fact, in some ways, I'm happier with my life now than I've ever been before. The freedom from not being in a relationship is incredibly empowering, and good friends can help to provide some of the missing companionship. I've been able to develop a healthier relationship with my parents, and have become a lot stronger emotionally.

Well, that's about it. Divorce in March or so, and the sky's the limit after that. Thank you all for your support and advice in the original thread, in particular, it's helped me to realise that I need to try to be involved in my daughter's life, and it's worth making the effort to do so.

--------------------
6 weeks to go!

Posts: 4455 | From: Sydney, Australia | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged
CommanderShroom
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 2097

Member Rated:
4
Icon 1 posted September 06, 2004 06:18      Profile for CommanderShroom     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Sorry to hear that. From what I have read about you it seems that you took the vows very seriously. And you are not the type to consider marriage a nice resting place.

And see that little one of yours whenever possible. And if the arrangements don't feel right, fight for what does. I know people that rolled over in the divorce and drove themselves broke or lost the ability to be with their kids.

I know that there will be some tough times ahead for you. So good luck and count those blessings.

--------------------
Does he know our big secret?
Has one of us confessed?
'Bout the wires circuits and motors
Buried in our chest

Posts: 2464 | From: Utarrrrggggghhh!!!!!!!! | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged
snupy
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 1211

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Icon 1 posted September 06, 2004 07:12      Profile for snupy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by csk:
Despite all that, I'm remaining positive. In fact, in some ways, I'm happier with my life now than I've ever been before. The freedom from not being in a relationship is incredibly empowering, and good friends can help to provide some of the missing companionship. I've been able to develop a healthier relationship with my parents, and have become a lot stronger emotionally.


Ok, maybe I've missed some posts in between, but I'm confused....why the thoughts of reconciliation if you are happier now(even in "some ways")? The words you use-"freedom", in particular- do no suggest you want your marriage back.

My only concern is that you think about what it is you really want, just in case she were to have a change of heart. The divorce will be much harder if you still have conflicting attitudes towards it also.

Glad to hear you are well and spending time with your daughter.

--------------------
"I just ordered an extra-long straw to avoid accidentally doing a sit-up"-Jay, Modern Family

Posts: 4269 | From: UK, via Chicago | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
Cap'n Vic

Member # 1477

Icon 1 posted September 06, 2004 09:06      Profile for Cap'n Vic     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Sounds like a big, positive step towards healing your heart. [thumbsup]

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(!) (T) = 8-D

Posts: 5471 | From: One of the drones from sector 7G | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
fanboy_uk

Member # 2132

Member Rated:
4
Icon 1 posted September 06, 2004 09:34      Profile for fanboy_uk   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Glad to hear you are feeling a little more positive about stuff.
Not having been in exactly the same position as you is kinda hard to empathsise, however, we have all had relationships go wrong in some way. So I do feel for you.

I guess it's your kid who will be the one that is hardest hit; all I can say is that as she gets older tell the straight truth of the situation. An sister has gone through something similar (she wasn't married but her and her boyfriend had a daughter). My sis has always told the kid the truth about her relationship with DK's father (ok she has kept it vague i.e. the beatings and cheating she's left out for now).

From what I remember from some of your earlier posts on this issue your (soon to be ex-?) mother-in-law was a big part of the problem, so getting time alone with your wife to discuss things I guess is a big must, otherwise you end up going down the legal side. Easier said than done, eh?

Sorry if it looks as if I'm sounding off here and telling you what to do, but you have always struck me as a fairly decent chap who has had pretty sound advice for others in the past so can't help but to offer some back.

All the best.

Oh and good luck in the ICC from next week.
You'll need it coz, we're gonna win a cricket trophy at last (maybe)!

--------------------
A woman walked into a cocktail bar, took one look at the drinks menu and asked the barman for a Double Entendré.
So he gave her one


Posts: 161 | From: Brighton, UK (50.8389, -00.1876) | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged
Xanthine

Solid Nitrozanium SuperFan!
Member # 736

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Icon 1 posted September 06, 2004 11:11      Profile for Xanthine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm glad to hear that you're recovering emotionally from all of this. Good luck with everything. Get a good lawyer/arbitrator/whatever-they've-got in Australia so you don't lose important things like your shirt and visitation rights.

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And it's one, two, three / On the wrong side of the lee / What were you meant for? / What were you meant for?
- The Decemberists

Posts: 7670 | From: the lab | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged
csk

Member # 1941

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Icon 1 posted September 07, 2004 04:45      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by snupy:
Ok, maybe I've missed some posts in between, but I'm confused....why the thoughts of reconciliation if you are happier now(even in "some ways")? The words you use-"freedom", in particular- do no suggest you want your marriage back.

Well, it's like this. CommanderShroom hit the nail on the head with his comment that I take my vows very seriously. Even before we broke up, the marriage was very seriously damaged and dysfunctional, at least in my view. But I would have been willing (and would still be willing if given a chance) to put in as much effort as I could into making the marriage work. Yes, I'm better off and happier out of that relationship. But I take my responsibilities and promises extremely seriously, and ones own happiness or well being is sometimes not the prime consideration in these matters.

quote:

My only concern is that you think about what it is you really want, just in case she were to have a change of heart. The divorce will be much harder if you still have conflicting attitudes towards it also.

The above point probably mostly answered this. My ex definitely wants out of the marriage, and I don't think that's the right decision to make. Nevertheless, life will be overall easier for me without her, and I've accepted the reality that it's all over, and I've got to go with it, not fight against it.

quote:
Originally posted by fanboy_uk:
I guess it's your kid who will be the one that is hardest hit; all I can say is that as she gets older tell the straight truth of the situation. An sister has gone through something similar (she wasn't married but her and her boyfriend had a daughter). My sis has always told the kid the truth about her relationship with DK's father (ok she has kept it vague i.e. the beatings and cheating she's left out for now).

Yeah, that could be a tough one in the future. She's less than a year old, so I won't have to worry about that for a while yet, but it's something to think about in the meantime

quote:
From what I remember from some of your earlier posts on this issue your (soon to be ex-?) mother-in-law was a big part of the problem, so getting time alone with your wife to discuss things I guess is a big must, otherwise you end up going down the legal side. Easier said than done, eh?
I'm hoping my ex will realise that this is a problem, and tell her mother to give us some more space. I'd feel much better if my mother in law wasn't a divorced single mother herself (but now a widow), and hadn't spent several of the last years of her life in a legal battle with a school over unfair dismissal. Can we say "moulding child in our own image?". Oh, and most of her family are some distance away from her, so having my ex and daughter living with her helps to abate her loneliness?

/me stops now before the tone of this turns nasty.

quote:
Originally posted by Xanthine:
I'm glad to hear that you're recovering emotionally from all of this. Good luck with everything. Get a good lawyer/arbitrator/whatever-they've-got in Australia so you don't lose important things like your shirt and visitation rights.

That's one of the next items on the agenda. I've been procrastinating about doing that, since I hate the whole adversarial nature of the legal/family law side of things. But unless I have sound advice, I'm going to get soundly screwed in every way except the one that counts. (sorry, couldn't resist lightening the mood there [Big Grin] )

--------------------
6 weeks to go!

Posts: 4455 | From: Sydney, Australia | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged
drunkennewfiemidget
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 2814

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Icon 1 posted September 07, 2004 06:19      Profile for drunkennewfiemidget     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by csk:
Yes, I'm better off and happier out of that relationship. But I take my responsibilities and promises extremely seriously, and ones own happiness or well being is sometimes not the prime consideration in these matters.

Religion, or promises, or whatever or not: it should be.
Posts: 4897 | From: Cambridge, ON, Canada | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged
snupy
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 1211

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Icon 1 posted September 07, 2004 07:41      Profile for snupy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I agree. If you are not happy in the relationship, your wife and child will suffer as well. I understand your wanting to keep the promise despite your feelings, but sometimes it is more self-sacrificing to just let go and allow everyone to be happy.

--------------------
"I just ordered an extra-long straw to avoid accidentally doing a sit-up"-Jay, Modern Family

Posts: 4269 | From: UK, via Chicago | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
Rhonwyyn

Solid Gold SuperFan!
Member # 2854

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Icon 1 posted September 07, 2004 10:57      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
CSK, I wish I could just give you a big hug 'cause of all of the pain you're going through right now and will go through in the coming months and years. Instead, I'll just jump on the bandwagon and reiterate the importance of a relationship with your daughter.

Your daughter is only one year old right now, but before you know it she'll be a teenager, then an adult. She will live her entire life as the child of divorced parents, so in some ways that will be "normal" for her. However, every child has needs that can only be met by one parent or the other (hence "typical" two-parent families). Because your daughter lives so far away, it'll be hard for you to be actively involved in her life, so you're going to have to get creative.

Some ideas: Start writing letters to your daughter to be given to her when she turns 13 or 16/18/21 (some significant age; make sure she's old enough to understand what she's reading!). Walk her through the divorce process. Tell her what first attracted you to her mother and about the hurt you felt when her mother left. Tell her about your role in the process. DON'T BASH HER MOM! It'll make things difficult for the three of you if you do.

When she's old enough, buy her a computer of her own so that she can e-mail and IM/ICQ with you. (Maybe a mobile phone would be good too. Then she can call you in emergencies or when she needs to talk with you. Her mom won't be able to fuss about the expense or how often/when your daughter calls.) When she talks to you, don't be judgmental, but make right/wrong clear to her. She wants to be loved unconditionally and it'll be tempting for you to play fairy godfather to her, but don't. It'll spoil her.

When she's old enough, let your daughter help you to make some decisions in your house/car/computer purchase. That way she'll feel like she has some influence in your life.

Create a space "just for her" in your house, starting now. Age-appropriate toys, books, clothes, music, etc., changing with age as she grows. When she comes to visit, if she doesn't want something or has outgrown it, go with her to donate it to a local thrift store/re-uzit shop/clothing bank/relief agency.

Make videos of yourself talking to her about yourself, what you miss about her, why you love her. Read books to her or your favorite Bible verses. If she comes to visit you when she's older, send her a video tour of your house before she comes so she'll know a little bit about what to expect.

Assign her a chore or set of chores for when she comes to your house. It'll give her a sense of belonging and responsibility (even if she complains about it!)

If you ever remarry, that's another set of issues that I'll address for you if you want me to do so later. Let's just say that stepmothers are a totally different can of worms!

CSK, as a friend reminded me the other day "This too shall pass." And "'Though the sorrow may last for the night, His joy comes in the morning." I pray that'll be true for you. Hang in there, bro! God is bigger than anything you can think or imagine...even your current situation.

Posts: 3849 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged
CommanderShroom
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 2097

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Icon 1 posted September 07, 2004 12:15      Profile for CommanderShroom     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
csk

On another note. Be careful who you have represent you. You don't need/want a lush or an attack dog. Just make sure that whatever is decided in this is fair to all three of you.

Remember, if you leave on a Friday night you can be there before dawn. See that little girl every chance you get. Even if it is uncomfortable for you. Do it for your little one, not for you, her mother or mother in-law. No-Doz and coffee took me on many of long haul runs.

Too bad you aren't stateside. We'd go out and toss back a few. Again, good luck.

--------------------
Does he know our big secret?
Has one of us confessed?
'Bout the wires circuits and motors
Buried in our chest

Posts: 2464 | From: Utarrrrggggghhh!!!!!!!! | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged


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