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Author Topic: ? for the ladies
CommanderShroom
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Icon 1 posted November 23, 2005 22:09      Profile for CommanderShroom     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Nah Roland,

Pitchforks are too damn cumbersome to carry around in cars.

But saying hello to cashiers and such is the perfect way to get practice talking. See they are a captive audience, and you have nothing to lose. Notice something it doesn't matter if it is a guy or a girl. Just be friendly and say something. It doesn't have to be profound or witty. Remember you are just trying to get in the hang of saying stuff to people. Even the random hello in the corridor can do wonders for a person.

You have time. And with time comes experience.

Now to discount YaYawoman on one thing. I have met some very boring people in my life. So not everyone has an interesting story to tell. [Big Grin]

--------------------
Does he know our big secret?
Has one of us confessed?
'Bout the wires circuits and motors
Buried in our chest

Posts: 2465 | From: Utarrrrggggghhh!!!!!!!! | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged
The Lightning Stalker
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Icon 8 posted November 24, 2005 01:47      Profile for The Lightning Stalker     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
What's wrong with the weather?
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Wick
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Icon 1 posted November 24, 2005 02:52      Profile for Wick     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
You make it sound so easy YaYawoman. It is truely hard for me and alot of people to start a conversation with a stranger. I even have a problem having conversations with people I do know. I agree the theory is relatively easy, but it depends on the person overall. I'm sure it has something to do with self-esteem as well. That is probably why all my romantic endeavours have been with the woman approaching me first. I fully agree that if I was to approach women like you say it would be effective...but how does one build up to that point?

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-= "There comes a time in a man's life when he must roll the dice and except the outcome" =-

Posts: 80 | From: OH | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged
CommanderShroom
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Icon 1 posted November 24, 2005 09:16      Profile for CommanderShroom     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Wick:
You make it sound so easy YaYawoman. It is truely hard for me and alot of people to start a conversation with a stranger.

I am positive that YaYa and I would agree here. It is not easy. But you can learn to make it easier. One of the reasons I keep bringing up the idea of 'chewing the fat' with random people. There is no obligation whatsoever. You aren't trying to get tail, a number, special treatment, etc. You are just saying hi for the sake of saying hi.

When you get the hang of that you will notice a change in all of your interactions with people. And I do mean all. If you can learn to speak to people in a friendly manner, your dealings with people from your boss to the clerk at the local grocery store and even the random customer, become easy and occasionally can garner fantastic results. This isn't just a way to get women to notice you.

--------------------
Does he know our big secret?
Has one of us confessed?
'Bout the wires circuits and motors
Buried in our chest

Posts: 2465 | From: Utarrrrggggghhh!!!!!!!! | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged
YaYawoman

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Icon 1 posted November 24, 2005 14:08      Profile for YaYawoman     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Wick:
You make it sound so easy YaYawoman. It is truely hard for me and alot of people to start a conversation with a stranger. I even have a problem having conversations with people I do know. I agree the theory is relatively easy, but it depends on the person overall. I'm sure it has something to do with self-esteem as well. That is probably why all my romantic endeavours have been with the woman approaching me first. I fully agree that if I was to approach women like you say it would be effective...but how does one build up to that point?

Hi me again. Oddly I am near a computer today.
Well wick, it isn't easy. I know it is not. When I was in school I was the 'pickee'---the one who pulled the spitballs out of her hair afterschool,listened to the crap people spew, the one who got s#$% thrown at her out the bus window.
I had a rough time looking at other people feet, never mind talk to them. I really, truly understand about the nervousness and fear trying to talk to people can cause.

3 years ago, I was able to get out of an abusive relationship. The one good thing that came out of that time was putting fear into a new perspective for me.


I know your fears are hard to overcome. They can be. All I reallly say when these topics come up is try. Dig deep. Practice. enjoy your life, and the people around you. I'm kinda like a cheerleader--Go team Go! Frankly, I am still so giddy with joy being able to talk to whoever I want without looking over my shoulder in fear that I do tend to take it to extremes. I mean well when I try to get you all to understand that there is a lot of joy and pleasure you are excluding yourselves from and laugh when you are risking. Always find the laugh and joy in what you are doing. Oh, and commandershroom is much better than I at giving specifics in how to do this. I suggest you listen to him, and get up and try! [Big Grin]

Some content edited because post was influenced by too much turkey and too much thinking. [Smile]

Posts: 765 | From: virginia | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged
Elvermere
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Icon 1 posted November 25, 2005 04:04      Profile for Elvermere     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
And please people, don't think that conversations are a one-way street. If someone has the decency to come over to you and say hello, please, give them a smile and ask them how they are going! As we have all just discussed, it is hard to pluck up the courage to approach someone, so reward someone who does.

There is definitely something to keep in mind if you are at school though and that is not everyone is going to respond. Despite being nice, polite and all-around fun, kids may not respond. There are numerous issues that they have. The two main ones are:
  • Inability to quickly factor in change in reputation based on purely abitary factors including who is looking and who they will tell
  • Lack of experience in how to respond.

Both of these will result in a dumbfounded expression which will be read as "Go away you insect".

So the various posters are correct. Practise on non-peer group if possible. And remember....you are just as worthwhile as the person you are talking to.

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Duct Tape is like the force.
It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

Posts: 113 | From: Perth, West AU | Registered: Nov 2003  |  IP: Logged
drunkennewfiemidget
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Icon 1 posted November 25, 2005 07:16      Profile for drunkennewfiemidget     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
OK. I'm not a very good looking dude. I'm not appalling (I hope), but I'm certainly not good looking, either.

My success rate at at least starting some sort of fun conversation with people is easily > 80%. I do it all the time to this day, even though I'm getting married -- I'm not trying to get in anyone's pants, just be friendly.

When I go to the grocery store, I'll make some stupid comment about the debit machines, and how I could make millions if I made a machine that could read the magnetic strip from EITHER side.

When I get gas, I complain about how cold it got so quickly.

When I go pick up some fast food, I'll make some stupid joke about myself.

Being that I'm with Amanda 99.9% of the time when I'm out now, it's stopped, but when I went out by myself, I used to get phone numbers (even unsolicited ones) at least once every few months just by the girl at subway writing her number on one of my napkins before giving them to me and saying, "call me sometime", or having our waitress at our restaurant stop one of my friends on our way out and ask about me.

Your inability to talk to the opposite sex is entirely in your head. Suck it up, realise you have nothing to lose, and give it a shot! The absolute *WORST* case scenario is they say something mean and ignore you, but the worst I've ever received is a scornful look and no words at all.

Like others have said, try just starting a casual conversation with people ... the people at the grocery store, the people at the gas station, restaurants, etc.

When you waiter/waitress comes up when you go out to eat, they'll invariably introduce themselves.

Use their name, try, "Say, <name>, what do you suggest I try from the menu?"

More often than not, they'll tell you what they like, what they dislike, etc, then you can say, "well, I'm not a big pasta fan" or whatever.. take it from there.

Initiating a conversation outside of the normal, "what do you want?", "here's your bill", and "would you like fries with that?" is half the battle.

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SilverBlade
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Icon 1 posted November 25, 2005 08:38      Profile for SilverBlade   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
We are not that scary really [Smile]

I always welcome a friendly chat from some stranger, as long as he isn't TOO creepy. A good complaining session about the same thing often brings two people together- just try not to make it your own topic of discussion. As in, once you found some solid ground (no matter how stupid the topic- ie the weather) then WALK on it. Don't fumble on your knees trying to find more floor.

/obscure poetic language

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http://www.silver-blade.net

Posts: 303 | From: Hong Kong | Registered: Feb 2005  |  IP: Logged
Wick
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Icon 1 posted November 25, 2005 10:29      Profile for Wick     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I don't want to be Mr. Negative but communication with others is not that easy nor effective. I am always friendly with random people I meet...I make small conversation with the cute cashier....I thank the girl selling me the fries that will put me in an early grave and tell her to have a great day smiling and with eye contact the whole time. It has never got me anywhere. No phone numbers on napkins, nothing. I don't consider myself too ugly so it must be my personality. Anyway, I will be leaving the dungeon tomorrow to do my bi-weekly errands and shopping and plan to use alot of strategy listed on this thread. I'm curious to see if there is a difference.

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-= "There comes a time in a man's life when he must roll the dice and except the outcome" =-

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CommanderShroom
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Icon 1 posted November 25, 2005 13:29      Profile for CommanderShroom     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Wick you should remember one thing. Let them talk as much as you talk. We can all bring up little anecdotal things in line. But you need to get them to say something back.

I know people at my grocery store that will say hi to me every time I come in. I don't know their names and they don't know mine. But it is instant recognition and and a friendly hello. I haven't gotten any numbers on napkins myself. But that is neither here nor there. But I know if I asked for one, I would more than likely get it.

I have people I know that have been helping me find work. A bit of extra pocket money while I am living where I am at. These are peple I have only known for a short period of time.

People I have met at shops I frequent are known to ask about me. So I know that when you really learn to have a good conversation, things happen. But it isn't always that way.

Like dnf said. Bring up their names. Ask them what they think. Don't just talk, listening is just as important. But if you don't have the courage to talk, listening is a waste of time. Bring someone out of themselves for few moments a day and make them feel worthwhile. It can be very interesting.

I have gotten chances to speak to old WWII vets, ex-businessmen, car collectors and just a slew of unusual and fascinating people. Just from the beginnings of a simple hello, how are you doing exchange.

--------------------
Does he know our big secret?
Has one of us confessed?
'Bout the wires circuits and motors
Buried in our chest

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dragonman97

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Icon 1 posted November 25, 2005 14:06      Profile for dragonman97   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I just talked to my bank teller a bit today. [Razz]
Then again, I fear that almost led to a distraction that could have caused a curious problem with certain dollar values getting screwed up. *shrug* Still pleasant, though. [Smile]

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There are three things you can be sure of in life: Death, taxes, and reading about fake illnesses online...

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YaYawoman

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Icon 1 posted November 25, 2005 16:52      Profile for YaYawoman     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yeah! Go team Go!

The more you do things like that, the easier it gets. Honest. It also gets to be a lot of fun too. Really.

Posts: 765 | From: virginia | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged
Grummash

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Icon 1 posted November 26, 2005 12:57      Profile for Grummash     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Wick - just a thought, but have you not noticed that you have been having a conversation all along? You and YaYawoman have exchanged a few posts and a few thoughts....
Now, I am not going to suggest that it is this easy IRL, but you didn't get told to shove off, did you?
You know what needs to be done...your mission, should you choose to accept it....
I want a report on my desk by 9:00am tomorrow [Big Grin]

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...and yet, across the gulf of space, minds immeasurably superior to ours regarded this earth with envious eyes...

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Wick
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Icon 1 posted November 26, 2005 13:49      Profile for Wick     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
There seems to be some slight confusion. I can have conversations fine. The problem lies in finding someone I can enjoy talking to. A friend of mine was in town and a few friends and I went out to a sports bar to hang out and catch up. There was an amazing amount of beautiful girls....though none of them seemed interesting enough to bother with. There is so many people out there that are just people it makes me sick. This is the first time I have been out in about a year (seriously). After "the woman" and I split up I really haven't been out...I work nights and with the internet and 24hr grocery access I have no reason to venture out with the daywalkers anymore.

When I think about it I never have met a girl that seems truely compatible with me...and I have met plenty. I see no reason to get involved with another girl that does not share the same interests as me, other than to "get some" (and believe me I need some bad [Smile] ) I'm trying to hold out and find a girl that I feel I'm compatible with. I will try until I have to give up and just except whatever comes my way again.

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-= "There comes a time in a man's life when he must roll the dice and except the outcome" =-

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Too Cool To Quit
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Icon 1 posted November 26, 2005 14:21      Profile for Too Cool To Quit     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Lower your standards.

Always works for everyone else.

Unless you're just a hot piece of ass like me, then you have girls crawling all over you.

Plastic surgery, maybe?

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Alright now, that's the last straw, I'm calling the ass taxidermist to tell him to stop making hats in your size RIGHT NOW.

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dragonman97

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Icon 1 posted November 26, 2005 16:40      Profile for dragonman97   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Actually, what do you know - I had a ridiculously great evening tonight - was out at dinner, and had a crazy bit of flirting going on with the waitress. ;P * Go figure - it's a rather funny thing - something an ex of mine taught me, that works time and time again...she (a Chinese girl) taught me one and only one thing in Chinese, that when delivered in a Chinese restaurants, almost universally raises eyebrows. Usually, that's just a sentence or two, but today, I got a whole conversation out of it, and she just smiled when passing by the table. Mmm...and the food was practically better than usual. I also made a point of getting chopsticks, and I still remember the fact that my ex was simply in awe at the fact that I was, as she said "the only American I know who can use chopsticks." Seems like a slight exaggeration, but it was a sticking point for her. [Razz]

Damn...she was cute...and that was some good food.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming, and I'll be sure to resume being a boring dragon. [Razz]
(The fact that I've had more than a bit of coffee today probably helps.)

* If not claimed, I'll trademark that 'emoticon,' having formed and used it a bunch on #JoT. [Wink] [Big Grin]

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There are three things you can be sure of in life: Death, taxes, and reading about fake illnesses online...

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supergoo

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Icon 1 posted November 26, 2005 20:48      Profile for supergoo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Wick:
When I think about it I never have met a girl that seems truely compatible with me...and I have met plenty.

Unlike computers, humans don't have to be completely compatible to function together. If you go looking for your clone, you won't find her. Which is not to say "lower your standars," but that you might be surprised at who you can fall for.

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Y los sueños, sueños son.

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GrumpySteen

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Icon 1 posted November 26, 2005 21:43      Profile for GrumpySteen     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Wick wrote:
There seems to be some slight confusion. I can have conversations fine. The problem lies in finding someone I can enjoy talking to.

That actually simplifies things a lot. The answer is... talk to everyone!

Someone may not look interesting, but you have to get to know them before you can really tell. You can make the assumption, for example, that all those women in the sports bar were interested in sports and/or drinking and for most of them you'd be right. But the bored looking one in the corner with a couple of friends may be there only because of her friends and not interested in the bar scene. For all you know, she may be one of the people who fragged you the later that night.

Yes, you will meet a lot of people you aren't interested in. You'll also meet some you are. You'll probably meet at least a few who share interests and become friends even if you don't date. That's not a bad thing, because they will tend to have friends with similar interests. Eventually you'll find someone who, while not perfect, 'fits' (for lack of a better word).

Or you'll be like me and figure out that you're really only attracted to violently insane women and realize that you're either going to have to give up dating or die.

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Worst. Celibate. Ever.

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Wick
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Icon 1 posted November 27, 2005 00:00      Profile for Wick     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Bleh, I lowered my standards before and was stuck in a worthless six year relationship. When I say "lowered my standards" I mean I got involved with someone who didn't share same interests and ideas. I don't want people to get the idea I'm stuck up or anything. Meeting people can be fun, I'm sure 90% of the people I would talk to would be great...just not for me. I do talk to randoms and I get friendly responses...when I do I get girls flirting with me if they are not what I'm looking for I just kind of shut it off so I don't lead them on...and that usually kills it.

Again the problem lies in finding where some people that share my interests are. I know I can't find someone who is completely compatible with me, I just want mostly compatible [Smile] I don't want to spend the next 6 years of my life with someone who is trying to change me and me change them. In the end it can't work.

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-= "There comes a time in a man's life when he must roll the dice and except the outcome" =-

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The Famous Druid

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Icon 1 posted November 27, 2005 02:36      Profile for The Famous Druid     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Wick:
I don't want to spend the next 6 years of my life with someone who is trying to change me

So you've given up on women entirely then?

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If you watch 'The History Of NASA' backwards, it's about a space agency that has no manned spaceflight capability, then does low-orbit flights, then lands on the Moon.

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Wick
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Icon 1 posted November 27, 2005 05:36      Profile for Wick     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by The Famous Druid:
quote:
Originally posted by Wick:
I don't want to spend the next 6 years of my life with someone who is trying to change me

So you've given up on women entirely then?
ROFL, Great stuff. That is an excellent point. I should have probably phrased it "drastically change me". [Big Grin]

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-= "There comes a time in a man's life when he must roll the dice and except the outcome" =-

Posts: 80 | From: OH | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged
alfrin
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Icon 1 posted November 27, 2005 12:37      Profile for alfrin     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Wick:
quote:
Originally posted by The Famous Druid:
quote:
Originally posted by Wick:
I don't want to spend the next 6 years of my life with someone who is trying to change me

So you've given up on women entirely then?
ROFL, Great stuff. That is an excellent point. I should have probably phrased it "drastically change me". [Big Grin]
So you've given up on the human race entirely then?

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Art is Resistance / Resistance is Art

Posts: 813 | From: Nevada, USA | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged
rivenGlitch
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Icon 1 posted November 28, 2005 12:18      Profile for rivenGlitch     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hey there Wick,

I too have done the “lower your standards” bit, and I feel and have learned that it is a bad idea. So long as your standards are not totally of the wall (Such as: Angelina Jolie, is the only girl for me! Ever!) you will find what you are looking for. I once was in the same boat or frame of mind that you are in.

Until a good friend said to me;

“Talk to every women, flirt with all women, not a lot, but just a little (like YaYawoman described) even if you are not all that interested, practice takes time, start small, just a simple smile, and work your way up. Then when you start getting a little better at it, start handing that number to the women that you are interested in, not just one or two, but all. Soon enough, sooner then you might think, you will start getting calls, trust me!”

I have followed my friend’s advice for some time now. I may not have found the one just yet, but I can tell you that I have had lots of fun, I have had some heart break, but all in all I have many friends because of his advice, many that I hold dear. Try, try and try again. It’s all that anyone can do…

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Programmer (def): An organism that converts caffeine into software.

Posts: 27 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged
Wick
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Icon 1 posted November 29, 2005 07:53      Profile for Wick     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by rivenGlitch:
Hey there Wick,

I too have done the “lower your standards” bit, and I feel and have learned that it is a bad idea. So long as your standards are not totally of the wall (Such as: Angelina Jolie, is the only girl for me! Ever!) you will find what you are looking for. I once was in the same boat or frame of mind that you are in.

Until a good friend said to me;

“Talk to every women, flirt with all women, not a lot, but just a little (like YaYawoman described) even if you are not all that interested, practice takes time, start small, just a simple smile, and work your way up. Then when you start getting a little better at it, start handing that number to the women that you are interested in, not just one or two, but all. Soon enough, sooner then you might think, you will start getting calls, trust me!”

I have followed my friend’s advice for some time now. I may not have found the one just yet, but I can tell you that I have had lots of fun, I have had some heart break, but all in all I have many friends because of his advice, many that I hold dear. Try, try and try again. It’s all that anyone can do…

Ah, rivenGlitch, that is good advice. Why not just hand out my number? I could use some new friends, just people to go eat and hang out with. I guess I have nothing to lose. The problem I have though is I don't really want to be around just anyone...I'm picky. I can get along with anyone...but that doesn't mean I want to.

I wonder what kind of response I could get if I put my number on a few hundred helium balloons and let them go. Have the note attatched say, " Nerdy guy searching for nerdy girl." [Big Grin] Would be a fun experiment.... HmmmmmmHmmmmm.

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-= "There comes a time in a man's life when he must roll the dice and except the outcome" =-

Posts: 80 | From: OH | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged
YaYawoman

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Icon 1 posted November 29, 2005 10:14      Profile for YaYawoman     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi again. Well wick, you have done the go nowhere 6 year relationship route. Why not trust yourself to have learned what you needed from it? I am assuming that if you started dating someone, and realized that it isn't what you need/want you would gently nip it in the bud. Dating is not forever, a dinner and conversation is not a marriage, and a little bit of nookie with someone that you have a lot of like for is not 'til death do you part'. I do understand about wanting to hold on and hold out for someone you love(I am buying that t-shirt myself)but really. It never hurts to be friendly and listen and extend yourself to people. Some of my closest friends now are people I never would have guessed would be compatible for one meal until I got past my assumptions about how boring/vanilla they were. I'm going to hush now, but the very most important thing to remember is enjoy yourself and have fun. [Big Grin]
Posts: 765 | From: virginia | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged


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