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Author Topic: My long frustrated rant - good topic to avoid
neotatsu
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 1429

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Icon 1 posted December 02, 2008 08:04      Profile for neotatsu     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I suppose when it rains it pours... There are actually multiple females with an interest in having a relationship with me. While I fail to understand why, far be it from me to look a gift horse in the mouth.

There are only really two who matter, as the rest I either have no interest in or live far out of state - and I'm not interested in an LDR.

First, there's the girl I'm actually in a relationship with at the moment - we'll call her Usagi. I've been friends with her for three years. Two days before Halloween, I asked her if she was still interested in the relationship she had talked about wanting with me a long time ago. Her answer basically amounted to a "maybe, but no." She still had/has feelings for her ex.

That was fine with me, we were still friends. We hung out that night- went and saw a movie. A couple days after Halloween, I was talking to her online; she said something stupid and I called her a dork. Her response was "yeah, but I'm your dork". Her comment threw me off, since to my knowledge she had said no. But, I went with it, since I had asked if she wanted to try a relationship for a reason.

Fast forward a few weeks. On the 22nd, I had to go to work. She was upset about it. I got a few strange phone calls from her, one of which said she was going to a party.

When I got off work, I gave her a call and she told me she ended up going with her friend, whom we'll call BB, to the bar instead. From what I know of her, and the people she knows in the area she was going to a "party" in, I think she would have gone and cheated on me if BB hadn't talked her into going to the bar instead. This impression wasn't helped when I got there and Usagi introduced me to a guy she was talking to as her 'friend', Scott.

We left the bar almost immediately, and went to BB's. Usagi got way too drunk, and if I wasn't there, and BB wasn't the type of friend to remind her she had a boyfriend, she would have slept with the guy she introduced me as a friend to. Which is extremely unfortunately only the very tip of the mountain sized ice-berg of things I've forgiven in only a month-long relationship.

I've been very forgiving, because I know her very well. I know the problems she's dealing with, and what kind of person she normally is. Though, I've found that in a relationship she is extremely selfish - regularly leaving me feeling used.

The problem is BB... I like BB immensely. I met her around two months ago through Usagi. They go back and forth between talking as though they hate each other and calling each other their best friend.

The night we left the bar and went to BB's house, and the next day, I got to know her. I was happy to find we could be great friends.

On Tuesday BB, Usagi and I went on a small road trip to an island north of here. The trip would have been a disaster if BB hadn't tagged along. I would have been bored, and made angry by Usagi many times. For a good example - when she revealed one of her primary reasons for going was actually to stop at her most recent ex's house and drop off some of his stuff. Which wouldn't have been all bad, except BB and I were waiting in the car for her for a half hour (which, her ex didn't live there anymore. She was on the porch talking to her ex's aunt). All of my entertainment that day was provided by BB. Our sense of humor and personalities mesh very well. By the end of the day, I started to become aware that she was flirting with me. And, trying to touch me as often as she could.

Normally, I have difficulties being touched by people... But, it didn't bother me in this case.

On the day before thanksgiving, we ended up hanging out at BB's house, getting drunk and eating pizza with her and just generally having fun. A lot of things went on that night... Usagi showed herself to be selfish, as usual. And, she confused me greatly, trying to push BB and I together, trying to convince BB to have a threesome (I'm *waaay* too much of a shy person for that to work in the situation we were in), and being upset with me - presumably because I was having fun and not doting on her hand and foot, though I made sure to go out of my way to give her a lot of attention, and not actually touch or be near BB.

This last Friday, we ended up spending the evening/night and all of the next day with BB again. This time with a new boyfriend of hers. They'd known eachother a while, and decided to give it a chance.

The two of them have effectively torn me apart since then. On Saturday, I was sitting on the couch next to BB doing my schoolwork on her laptop while she wrote messages to me on her Magna-Doodle and I replied in a Notepad document, as the conversation was private and both Usagi and her potential man-boy were in the room.

She told me she likes me, and wishes she could date me. We talked about a few things.

At the same time as that conversation was going on, Usagi was texting me, telling me she wants to be with me forever, wants to marry me, etc. But, I simply don't trust her. I can't. She lies. Constantly. About absolutely everything. And, i don't trust her to not cheat on me. One of the things I forgave her for was on Friday morning she talked to one of her exes on the phone and ended up having a one-sided phone sex conversation with him. That is, he talked, and she moaned. She has a bad sex addiction. I know the kind of person she can be, and I made the decision to forgive her because I wanted to give the relationship a fair chance.


I'm not sure anymore... I get a text from BB saying "I want so bad to be able to date you" then a minute later, I get one from Usagi "I want to be yours forever"... I do have feelings for Usagi, but, I don't think they're feelings that lead to a working relationship. We'd probably be better friends.

That feelings was concreted further this last night, when I had an im conversation with BB, one with Usagi, and one with both BB and Usagi at the same time. The conversation with usagi and bb at the same time was just... wierd. Mostly Usagi trying to get us both to talk dirty to her. The conversation with just Usagi wasn't really a converastion. It was her begging me to come over to her house. "I need you so bad right now".. When I told her I couldn't several times, she got really upset, and changed her tune "I was just hoping to snuggle, but fine". Really, what she wanted is what she usually wants... She wanted me to come and give her attention, while she almost completely ignores me. Then go home feeling... used.

The conversation with BB... It was complicated. But, it made me realize that I could actually be happy with someone like her. And, that I want to take that chance. Her opinion was that I should break up with Usagi, and 'steal her' from her would-be man-boy (he's a complicated issue. She doesn't really want a relationship with him, but she's worried what he'll do if she breaks up with him (he's a very emo child))


My problem is... Usagi talks about loving me, wanting to be with me/marry me/be mine... But, she's also deceitful. She's had me meet her family, and has told them all she'll be spending Christmas with my family instead of with them. And, she's going through a lot of harsh times... I think. It's hard to know. She's made the claim to have cancer. But, with all the lies she's told, I don't know if I believe her. Apparently she has lied about major medical issues before. And, she talked about having a surgery on the 12th, then she said they moved it a week sooner, then she said it was on the 15th, now she says it's on Friday. She claims she was at the doctors yesterday having a pre-op consultation with the doctor, and then was asleep most of the rest of the day. I'm not sure I believe that either, since she had told me the night before she was supposed to work at noon, but she was on myspace at 2... And she's told her family she got a job at piercing pagoda (she told them she was 'training' when she was at my house), and told me the truth was she didn't start till next week, but then later that night claimed to have to work the next day? And said yesterday she has an interview at papa-murphy's... But, not untill 7pm?


I'm so torn as what to do. Do I stay with the person I'd probably be better friends with, for her sake? Or do I go with the girl I think I would be happy with...

What about what it may do to their friendship? My friendship with Usagi? What if Usagi takes it as bad as she might based on her track record, and hurts herself for attention?

I have a hard time getting out of the *shower* sometimes - even when the water turns cold! My last relationship lasted a whole year longer than I wanted it to because I sacrificed myself for someone I cared about... She threatened to kill herself the first time I tried to end the relationship... But, after another year of encouragement, when the relationship ended she took it amazingly well. She moved back to Florida and has lost weight the healthy way, made new friends, got a job and decided she wants to go to school, and got a new boyfriend whom she's happy with. I'm happy that my year of misery ended with her being happy, but I don't want that to happen again!

I'm in so far above my head... and I feel like I'm sinking deeper. Anyone have any ideas on how to learn to swim really quick?

--------------------
I'm curious... About what, you ask? EVERYTHING!

Posts: 2239 | From: Western WA | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
Stereo

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Icon 1 posted December 02, 2008 08:23      Profile for Stereo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I am in no way a relationship expert, but here is what you say: there is this one girl who you know will make you unhappy, and this other who may make you happy if you give yourself a chance.

The matter would be clear-cut for just about anyone. But you care about people (that's a great thing, too, don't take me wrong), so you don't want to mess up or hurt someone else.

So the only thing I can say is this: you can't make anyone happy if you are not yourself. As we say in French: "Charité bien ordonnée commence par soi-même" - good charity begins with oneself. Go with the solution that makes you happy.

Usagi seems to need professionnal help; use December to convice her of it; blow up her lies to her family if need be. She may hate you for a while, but she will end up better. And there is a good chance she'll break up too. In the mean time, BB can take care of breaking up with her boyfriend (that part is none of your job: she has to take care of her own mess). Then once everything has cleared up, get together. Or not.

But in my opinion, you won't get anywhere if you try to spare everyone's feeling. Think about yourself first. Good luck.

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Eppur, si muove!

Galileo Galilei

Posts: 2289 | From: Gatineau, Quebec, Canada | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
CommanderShroom
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
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Icon 1 posted December 02, 2008 08:31      Profile for CommanderShroom     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Time to clean house neotatsu.

Something stinks about the whole friggin' deal. First ditch Numbuh 1 then lay low for a bit. You really don't want the trouble that would come from hopping onto the prospective pony ride that is Numbuh 2.

If Numbuh 2 asks, tell the truth, you need to get a bit of distance to clear the bad air. Stay in contact with her and in a little time see what happens. But no matter if it is a week or a year, be ready for DRAMA. And if I could make those letters larger, I would.

Not sure if either one of them is healthy. And is really not my concern.

But just in case, stock up on some lovin' before you kick Numbuh 1 to the curb. It may be a while before you get it again. [Razz]

Posts: 2463 | From: Utarrrrggggghhh!!!!!!!! | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged
MacManKrisK

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Icon 1 posted December 02, 2008 08:47      Profile for MacManKrisK     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
TL; DR [Razz]

Okay, I did give this a good glance through, and I think you already know the answer; but I would be happy to kick your arse and get you to actually admit to it.

Usagi is a user. She will use you for as long and as far as you let her. Whatever "issues" she has that cause her to be like this are *her* problem, not your problem, and are no excuse for her selfish actions. You don't want to hurt her, I understand, but the stark truth here is that she is hurting you, using you, and leeching from you; and she will continue to do so for as long as you allow her to! Moreover, your being with her *is not* really helping her in any way, you are just helping enable her codependent behavior. On a side note: the "I want to be with you forever" after only a month of dating is B.S. It is just a manipulative ploy and, IMHO, downright scary. In short, what I'm saying here is: run, fast!

You've answered your own question here: "Usagi talks about loving me, wanting to be with me/marry me/be mine... But, she's also deceitful. {snip} She's made the claim to have cancer. But, with all the lies she's told, I don't know if I believe her."

Lies and deceit: what a great way to start a relationship, huh? She has some major issues, I see that, but again, they are HERS, not yours.

Let me illustrate further: "I simply don't trust her. I can't. She lies. Constantly. About absolutely everything. And, i don't trust her to not cheat on me. {snip} She has a bad sex addiction. I know the kind of person she can be, and I made the decision to forgive her because I wanted to give the relationship a fair chance."

I would say you've given it far more than a fair chance and if she truly loves you as much as she says, then the lies and cheating wouldn't be happening. Words are easy... but actions are what count.

BB sounds like a catch, again I'll use your own words to illustrate: "I like BB immensely. {snip} I was happy to find we could be great friends. {snip} I started to become aware that she was flirting with me. And, trying to touch me as often as she could. Normally, I have difficulties being touched by people... But, it didn't bother me in this case."

Uhm, HELLO?!

"She told me she likes me, and wishes she could date me. {snip} The conversation with BB... It was complicated. But, it made me realize that I could actually be happy with someone like her. And, that I want to take that chance."

*ahem* So I think you have your answer right there.

IMHO, you can't start dating BB until she breaks it off with emo-boy. And you need to explain that to BB. It is not your job to swoop in and 'save her' from this guy, and she should not expect you to do so. Regardless, I think you really need to break things off with Usagi right now... in fact, you need to break things off with her a couple weeks ago.

A symbiotic relationship takes two people, and both of those people need to want to be in that relationship. You are *not* in a relationship, you are being used by a parasite.

Edit to add: The Offspring - Self Esteem Specifically: "The more you suffer/ The more it shows you really care/ Right?"

--------------------
"Buy low, sell high
get rich and you still die"


Posts: 2331 | From: Southwest Michigan, USA | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
geekygoddess
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Icon 1 posted December 02, 2008 12:12      Profile for geekygoddess     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Neo, I say wash your hands of this whole situation! Sounds like pure madness from either way you look at it. Too much drama!!! [Eek!] [Eek!] [Eek!]

--------------------
"It is better to press ones shirt, than ones luck"- Confucius

Posts: 661 | From: Edinburgh, United Kingdom | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged
neotatsu
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
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Icon 1 posted December 02, 2008 12:21      Profile for neotatsu     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Excellent advice from all three of you... And, exactly what I needed to hear, methinks.

Stereo -- that bit of french is now listed among the top of my favorite quotes... I just wish I had at least inkling of how to pronounce it. French eludes me.

It's been a painful thing for me, all my life. An inability to put myself first... I'm trying to work on that as much as I can.

Commander -- Probably an important piece of advice for me to take to heart.. *lay low* for a while. That will be difficult, but, I think important. Unfortunately, stocking up on the luvin from numbah 1 isn't really an appealing idea to me - she'd just try to throw out the "But, I think I might be pregnant!" card.

MMK -- For some inexplicable reason, I just knew I'd get a response from you pointing out how I answer my own bloody question.

A nice ability to take what I've said, and state some of the things swirling inside my head. "she's a user.." Her own two best friends have told me this today. "Words are easy... but actions are what count" I actually told her this myself.. She seemed confused. Actions speak louder than words, indeed...

You are definitely right though. I need to have broken up with her at least a week ago. But, life is no etch-a-sketch. And, you are right again, that emo-boy needs to disappear as well. She doesn't expect me to "save" her, actually. She just phrased it that way.

"A symbiotic relationship takes two people, and both of those people need to want to be in that relationship. You are *not* in a relationship, you are being used by a parasite." I said this one to one of her best friends, Kenny. He laughed, and said "Yeah, not only drain your blood, but also your wallet!"
[tired]

--------------------
I'm curious... About what, you ask? EVERYTHING!

Posts: 2239 | From: Western WA | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
MacManKrisK

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Icon 3 posted December 02, 2008 12:44      Profile for MacManKrisK     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Neo: glad we got through to you. A couple comments...

A nice ability to take what I've said, and state some of the things swirling inside my head.

Thank you. [Big Grin]

But, life is no etch-a-sketch.

Aye, at times I think we all wish it could be, I know I do. Then I go and watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind again. [crazy]

He laughed, and said "Yeah, not only drain your blood, but also your wallet!"

Wallets can be fairly easily replenished and in the grand picture their contents amount to naught. Your spirit, emotions, feelings, and mental state are far harder to build up, far more fragile, and far more precious than any paper, plastic, or metallic currency. Tis far better to lose a fortune than to lose one's soul.

Edit to add: Yes, before you say it... that last sentence has quite a bearing on my own dilemma. I already told you about the fortune cookie...

--------------------
"Buy low, sell high
get rich and you still die"


Posts: 2331 | From: Southwest Michigan, USA | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
CommanderShroom
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Icon 1 posted December 02, 2008 13:02      Profile for CommanderShroom     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
So let me get this straight...

You feel used and drained.

Can't trust her as far as you could throw her.

She is a sex-addict, but the thought of getting any from her bothers you.

And you are asking about the viability of sticking around?

Sorry it no work-ee. Sounds like she was company, and possibly a bed warmer. But then once the reality of the situation set in, got to be a lot less appealing.

And the other one is "friends" with the first.

Just imagine the fun times you will have hanging out with her, all the while #1 is ranting and raving and doing her best to throw a monkey wrench in the works.

This sounds painful and unsavory.

--------------------
Does he know our big secret?
Has one of us confessed?
'Bout the wires circuits and motors
Buried in our chest

Posts: 2463 | From: Utarrrrggggghhh!!!!!!!! | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged
Stereo

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Icon 1 posted December 02, 2008 13:37      Profile for Stereo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by neotatsu:
Stereo -- that bit of french is now listed among the top of my favorite quotes... I just wish I had at least inkling of how to pronounce it.

With a mix-and-match of english writing and phonetics symbols (you will probably need the help of a dictionary):
Sh[æ]-ree-t[ei] bee-(en)* or-do-n[e] com-(an)**s p[æ]r sw[æ] m-(e)***m.

*Very hard to express in English phonetics; it's an muffled, somewhat guttural "ee" sound, usually following an actual "ee" sound, think a bit of "fine" without actually pronouncing the "n" sound. Or the german "ein", again without the "n".

**Another hard one; very alike the previous one, an muffled, somewhat guttural [æ], take the "a" in chance (wihtout the "n"), and push it back to the throath while muffling it... Argh! just not found in English! (As far as I know - if someone can help, please!)

***This one is a bit easier, just a muffled [e].

My pleasure! [Big Grin]

--------------------
Eppur, si muove!

Galileo Galilei

Posts: 2289 | From: Gatineau, Quebec, Canada | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Colonel Panic
BlabberMouth, the Next Generation
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Icon 1 posted December 02, 2008 14:37      Profile for Colonel Panic         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by neotatsu:
And, she confused me greatly, trying to push BB and I together, trying to convince BB to have a threesome (I'm *waaay* too much of a shy person for that to work in the situation we were in)

Bummer, dude.

All that pain, too.

CP

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Free! Free at last!

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neotatsu
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Icon 1 posted December 03, 2008 01:18      Profile for neotatsu     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Oh yes, Colonel.. Mucho pain indeed.


As for the rest.. I appreciate the comments. It was indeed what I needed to hear. [thumbsup]

--------------------
I'm curious... About what, you ask? EVERYTHING!

Posts: 2239 | From: Western WA | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
neotatsu
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Icon 1 posted December 04, 2008 02:30      Profile for neotatsu     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Figured you all may like a bit of an update...

Numbah 1 = history. Though, my voicemail box and a series of txt msgs would tend to make it seem to the contrary. I have a sinking feeling I'm gonna end up with a stalker >_>

Numbah 2 is no longer with her little emo boy. He's being very emo about it [Razz]

--------------------
I'm curious... About what, you ask? EVERYTHING!

Posts: 2239 | From: Western WA | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
geekygoddess
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Icon 1 posted December 04, 2008 03:47      Profile for geekygoddess     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Neo, watch out, and lay low, or you are going to end up with your little pet rabbit boiling in a kettle on the stove!!! [Eek!] Did number 2 break up with her boyfriend at the same time you ditched number 1? That is ironic?

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"It is better to press ones shirt, than ones luck"- Confucius

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Grummash

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Icon 1 posted December 04, 2008 10:43      Profile for Grummash     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
just a thought.....

If No.2 dumped EmoBoy specifically because you consigned No.1 to history, you might end up with two bunny-boilers!

Best option would be to lay low for a while and then re-launch yourself on society with a hitherto unknown No.3 in tow. [Wink]

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...and yet, across the gulf of space, minds immeasurably superior to ours regarded this earth with envious eyes...

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dajt
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Icon 1 posted December 04, 2008 15:36      Profile for dajt     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Or if you really absolutely MUST date #2, wait at least until January to do it. You don't want to be her rebound guy, and you don't want her to be your rebound gal.
Posts: 98 | From: Boston MA USA | Registered: Jan 2001  |  IP: Logged
TheMoMan
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Icon 1 posted December 04, 2008 16:37      Profile for TheMoMan         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
________________ neotatsu __ Maybe now would be a good time to relocate, and get a new cell phone, even if it means paying off the dead one. Just pull up stakes fold up the tent pack every thing into the saddlebags and follow your nose.


I dono it sounded good at the time.

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Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.


Benjamin Franklin,

Posts: 5836 | From: Just South of the Huron National Forest, in the water shed of the Rifle River | Registered: Sep 2002  |  IP: Logged


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