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Author Topic: Porn and Partners
Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted April 10, 2008 19:12      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
My husband and I were discussing things that impact marriages and pornography came up. Both of us have heard of wives/female partners who have turned a blind eye on their husbands'/partners' pornography use. We've even heard of some who have watched pornography with their spouses. What we'd like to know is, why?

I don't care about what men and women DO in their bedrooms; I'm interested in the WHY. Everything I've read and heard about pornography points to it being dangerous and addictive, so I want to know why people willingly invite it into their homes and minds, and I want to know how it affects them.

Other than sexual "pleasure," what do you get out of watching pornography? Why do you prefer it over sex with your spouse/partner? Why do you need it to "help" you have sex with your spouse/partner? How do you think watching pornography has affected your relationship(s) outside the bedroom?

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Xanthine

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Icon 1 posted April 10, 2008 20:58      Profile for Xanthine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
One of the guys in my lab started going off about this the other day. Apparently his fiancee found his pr0n stash...again. His position was that porn and the accompanying activities was his space. An escape if you will. Akin to alcohol. The other men in the lab agreed. And the more I think about it, the more parallels I see between porn and alcohol. Lots of people drink alcohol. A small percentage end up alcoholics. Lots of people look at porn. A small percentage end up porn addicts.

I don't know if my boyfriend looks at porn. I assume he does, or has in the past, but I haven't asked and I won't. I don't really want or need the answer. I know he loves me, I know he's loyal and I trust him. End of story.

I did, in the past, have a boyfriend who looked at a lot of porn. Too much porn, really. It impacted our relationship in a myriad of weird ways. He had some serious sexual hang-ups I won't get into and I think a lot of them can be traced to the porn. I didn't know what to do about it, so I just left him to it, even when I walked in on him looking for new porn one day. I refused to get jealous, I refused to compete with his pr0n collection. He'd get upset with me for that - apparently my lack of anger and hurt feelings and so on was a sign I didn't love him - but there was and is a certain level of self-respect I must maintain. I am not going to lower myself to being jealous over porn. I will not be so degraded. But he was.

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And it's one, two, three / On the wrong side of the lee / What were you meant for? / What were you meant for?
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GrumpySteen

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Icon 1 posted April 10, 2008 21:09      Profile for GrumpySteen     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Treatment of people in the porn industry aside, porn in and of itself is not inherantly dangerous or addictive. It is, however, pleasurable to a a significant percentage of the population.

The problem is that some portion of the people who enjoy it are people who have addictive personalities. The jury's still out on whether the reason some people are so susceptible to addiction is biological, psychological or both. If it's not porn or alcohol or tobacco or drugs or gambling or eating chocolate or sex, it'll be something else that they find pleasurable and overindulge in to self-destructive extremes.

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TMBWITW,PB

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Icon 1 posted April 10, 2008 22:14      Profile for TMBWITW,PB     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Rhonwyyn:
Both of us have heard of wives/female partners who have turned a blind eye on their husbands'/partners' pornography use. We've even heard of some who have watched pornography with their spouses.

I've even heard of women who watch porn on their own! (I'm only a little sarcastic here. There's no reason to think of porn as being restricted to one gender.)

As far as why, why not? It's something that people find pleasureable and so it's something they do. Religious ideals aside, there is no real point in being jealous of a fantasy as long as it doesn't hurt your real life. And that's all porn is, it's just a fantasy. What you're looking at/reading/watching is a model/character/actor not real life.

quote:
Other than sexual "pleasure," what do you get out of watching pornography?
I don't think there really is anything "other" to get from it unless you're doing anthropological research.

quote:
Why do you prefer it over sex with your spouse/partner?
If it's an "instead" then there is a problem, although there are time when your partner is unavailable and porn or something similar serves to satisfy sexual drive. But I think most of the time it's an "in addition to". It's like asking why you'd prefer oral sex or masturbation instead of the real thing. Sometimes you're just in the mood for something different.

quote:
How do you think watching pornography has affected your relationship(s) outside the bedroom?
As far as me, personally, I don't think it has. Except funny or bizzare clips that people link us to (have you heard of deafbunnies.com?) neither of us really does porn. Although I do have Chapter 15 dog-eared in one romance novel.

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YaYawoman

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Icon 1 posted April 11, 2008 06:17      Profile for YaYawoman     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi Rhonnie

Good question, and age old. Before there were cameras and video there was porn. Paintings, statues, live displays etc. Porn has evolved to fit the technology. Too many people think that it is a spanking new 20th century decadence thing. I have seen some old porn from the beginning of photography. What is interesting looking at it through a historical lense is watching the ideal of beauty and sexual pleasure/expression change throughout the years.

My opinion is that porn is a result of biology. Men are very very visually oriented. They get much more stimulation and pleasure from watching. I think that evolution and biology have combined to create a drive for the possibility of uncommitted, anonymous sex to be very enjoyable.
Of course we are not just our bodies, but minds as well so that society and people work to help people (theoretically hahahaha) remain in charge of their impulses.

That is another place where porn enters the picture. It is a way to remain faithful to people and vows while still being able to look.

About wives and porn, personally it doesnt do much for me. I dont get upset but then Iknow he looks but doesnt grind it in my face. Once in a while i may look with him at stuff, but most just makes me yawn. Gets back to that visual/ anonymous stimulation thing.

Sometimes though it helps to shake things up a bit, add some spice. I dont know how to put it, but even when you are totally head over heels there comes a moment when you are looking at the cieling and saying to yourself, ok, he nipped there and licked there so 5 seconds from now he's going to....(fill in blank). VERY jarring moment. People get into ruts, even sexual ones.

The main point though is that they are on the same comfort level regarding porn and related issues. One who likes to hang up the swing and simultanesously record themselves while having a movie playing in the background will not have a smooth relationship with someone who would rather have sex once a week, at night, with the lights out. Anyone who whines or makes their partner consistently uncomfortable needs to reevaluate.

Sounds like you and Johnathan have a very compatible like mindedness and I hope you guys are very happy.

Edit: I realized I forgot something. Sometimes it can be a way of pretending to hve more than one partner, without physically breaking vows. That need also helps explain wigs, role-playing and outfits. Women do it too. C'mon, who hasnt gone into a strange bar at different times and pretended to be strangers meeting for the first time and picking each other up for a pretend one-nighter or quickie? Same deal.

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Ashitaka

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Icon 1 posted April 11, 2008 10:43      Profile for Ashitaka     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
From UK's Coupling TV show. (never saw the american one, never want to, heard it sucks)

Your answer comes at ca 3 minutes after the description of the film.

http://tw.youtube.com/watch?v=8O8rFULbkhI&feature=related
(maybe NSFW without headphones)

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geekygoddess
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Icon 1 posted April 11, 2008 11:06      Profile for geekygoddess     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I dated a guy that was addicted to porn once.He watched it ALL the time, after a while I started to get offended, and ended the relationship. I feel if you are completely satisfied in your relationship, you don't need all that. Hell, if you've seen one boob, you've seen em all, right? [Big Grin]

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GrumpySteen

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Icon 1 posted April 11, 2008 11:34      Profile for GrumpySteen     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
geekygoddess wrote:
Hell, if you've seen one boob, you've seen em all, right? [Big Grin]

Exactly.

 -

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Ashitaka

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Icon 1 posted April 11, 2008 11:58      Profile for Ashitaka     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by geekygoddess:
Hell, if you've seen one boob, you've seen em all, right? [Big Grin]

Well then we will just call watching porn scientific research into this theory of yours. 'k

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Xanthine

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Icon 1 posted April 11, 2008 12:18      Profile for Xanthine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Steen:
geekygoddess wrote:
Hell, if you've seen one boob, you've seen em all, right? [Big Grin]

Exactly.

 -

My parents went to the Galapagos a few years ago. My dad bought a t-shirt with blue-footed boobies. Sometimes, he wear it under a flannel and asks people if they want to see his boobies. And then he flashes the t-shirt. According to him, it's always the women who look.

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And it's one, two, three / On the wrong side of the lee / What were you meant for? / What were you meant for?
- The Decemberists

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GrumpySteen

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Icon 1 posted April 11, 2008 12:32      Profile for GrumpySteen     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
That makes sense to me. They're very cute and not exactly macho manly-man birds.

Manly men prefer screaming, flying monkeys.

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Xanthine

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Icon 1 posted April 11, 2008 12:37      Profile for Xanthine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I think, after raising four kids, both my parents have had it with screaming, flying monkeys.

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And it's one, two, three / On the wrong side of the lee / What were you meant for? / What were you meant for?
- The Decemberists

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garlicguy

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Icon 1 posted April 11, 2008 14:33      Profile for garlicguy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by TMBWITW,PB:
... I do have Chapter 15 dog-eared in one romance novel.

...Er, um - Hi there Peebs.

Last I checked, the Kama Sutra was not considered a romance novel...

Just sayin'

gg [Wink]

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The Famous Druid

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Icon 1 posted April 11, 2008 19:35      Profile for The Famous Druid     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
So, Rhonwynn, considering a change of career? [evil]

And on another note, here's a picture for anyone who's ever wanted a shag on a beach.
 -

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geekgoddess
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Icon 1 posted April 11, 2008 20:14      Profile for geekgoddess     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I, personally, don't have a problem with my significant other watching porn (or going to strip clubs with the boys). Call me crazy, but I don't think that it is an indication that your partner desires you any less, I think it more about variety. I think it was mentioned earlier that it shouldn't be a porn or sex matter, and I agree. Why can't it both? In fact, once in awhile, why can't it be sex with porn?

I used to work with a woman (whom I became fairly close with) about ten years older than me. One day she came into work livid because she'd found a stack of magazines that her husband had tucked away under some of his clothes in their closet. She'd confronted him about them, insisted he dispose of them, and he complied. She was acting like he'd cheated on her with the magazines or something like that. I personally didn't see the big deal. Now, if she'd found lipstick on his collar, a phone number in his wallet, or him in bed with another woman, by all means, freak out. I personally thought that she should have handled it very differently. Instead of making him feel ashamed or like he'd done something wrong, I would have tried to incorporate it (since its something he's obviously into) into our sex life OR at the very least, turn a blind eye and let him have his solo fun.

My opinion is that some people are very sexual, others are not. Some like to spice it up and keep things interesting, and others do not. I, personally, NEVER want my sex life to stagnate, especially if I ever get married. I think that a good sex life is essential in a relationship, especially one that's long-term and monogamous.

Now, if a man is addicted to porn, cannot attain an erection or get off without it, loses interest in having sex with his partner at all and prefers only porn, or is watching porn that features [insert heinous/immoral/illegal act here] then that would be another thing.

Apparently I'm the odd woman out on this one. *shrug*

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Xanthine

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Icon 1 posted April 11, 2008 20:55      Profile for Xanthine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Not too odd. I have let my boyfriend go to strip clubs. It sounds like he has fun, but it's not something he's all that into.

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And it's one, two, three / On the wrong side of the lee / What were you meant for? / What were you meant for?
- The Decemberists

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spungo
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Icon 1 posted April 12, 2008 09:47      Profile for spungo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I have to really control myself when it comes to porn... otherwise I end up with "Linux Journal" or "PC Advisor" issues coming out of me ears. I don't actually own any naked lady porn -- I feel seedy enough leafing through National Geographic. And besides -- doesn't anyone think of the kittens?

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fs

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Icon 1 posted April 12, 2008 11:22      Profile for fs   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Both of us have heard of wives/female partners who have turned a blind eye on their husbands'/partners' pornography use. We've even heard of some who have watched pornography with their spouses. What we'd like to know is, why?

You two are pretty smart cookies. Why do you think a couple might enjoy erotic materials together? (If you're feeling particularly self-sacrificing, maybe you can do some *ahem* research *ahem* and test your hypotheses. [Wink] )

And normal, healthy people don't feel the need to micro-manage another person's sexuality, which is probably why many people don't care about autoerotic activities of their partners.

(And like Xanthine and Steen both pointed out, there is a spectrum of behavior associated with any pleasurable activity: on the one end are the people who pathologically abstain, at the other are the people who engage in it compulsively. The majority of people are somewhere in the middle. I assume that this conversation is limited to the "normal" range on the bell curve, rather than the extremes.)

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TMBWITW,PB

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Icon 1 posted April 12, 2008 12:56      Profile for TMBWITW,PB     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by geekgoddess:


I used to work with a woman (whom I became fairly close with) about ten years older than me. One day she came into work livid because she'd found a stack of magazines that her husband had tucked away under some of his clothes in their closet. She'd confronted him about them, insisted he dispose of them, and he complied. She was acting like he'd cheated on her with the magazines or something like that. I personally didn't see the big deal.

Well in that case I can see why she was hurt and offended. Watching porn when both parners know what's up is one thing, but if it's something secret that's something else. Honesty and communication are really the most important things in a relationship, especially when it comes to someting as intimate as sex.

gg,

*cough*How did that get there? You didn't read the notes in the margin did you? I swear I only do the thing on page 163 on special occasions. [blush]

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"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye."
óMiss Piggy

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Xanthine

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Icon 12 posted April 12, 2008 13:49      Profile for Xanthine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
We won't look down on you if you do it regularly, Peebs. We promise. You're a married woman. You're allowed.

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And it's one, two, three / On the wrong side of the lee / What were you meant for? / What were you meant for?
- The Decemberists

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Swiss Mercenary

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Icon 1 posted April 12, 2008 17:13      Profile for Swiss Mercenary     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Honestly, training material [Big Grin]

(and you can think what ever you like [Razz] )

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Icon 1 posted April 13, 2008 09:37      Profile for drunkennewfiemidget     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Swiss Mercenary:
Honestly, training material [Big Grin]

(and you can think what ever you like [Razz] )

Actually, that can be absolutely true. One of the ways sex therapists suggest men overcome premature ejactulation is to learn to control it by masturbating and learning the limits, etc.
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fs

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Icon 1 posted April 13, 2008 13:42      Profile for fs   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by spungo:
And besides -- doesn't anyone think of the kittens?

"I don't actually like touching myself, I just hate kittens."

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Icon 1 posted April 13, 2008 23:59      Profile for geekgoddess     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Well in that case I can see why she was hurt and offended. Watching porn when both parners know what's up is one thing, but if it's something secret that's something else. Honesty and communication are really the most important things in a relationship, especially when it comes to someting as intimate as sex.

I absolutely believe that communication is important in a relationship, particularly about sex. I do think, however, the fact that she found them, flew off the handle and demanded that he get rid of them is pretty indicative of why he hid them. Clearly he needed something else sexually, was taking care of his own need because it wasn't something that she'd be into, and got reprimanded for it. It seemed a little more like a mother catching her adolescent son with porn than a wife catching her husband with porn. Furthermore, she brought it into the workplace and humiliated him in front of a few of their mutual friends. I try and think of the situation as reversed and wonder how she would respond if he found something that he didn't like an demanded that she stop/get rid of the item and how much she'd like it.

I work with a lot of middle aged men who've been married for nearly as long as I've been alive and have overheard a lot of conversations about how their sex lives with their wives are either slim to none, how the excitement is gone and how she treats it like a chore. In my opinion, if you sign on to be the sole provider and then you lose all interest, then you don't really get the right to be mad about a few mens magazines. I also don't think that ANY grown adult (whether it be husband or wife) should be telling anyone what they can and can't do, I think it should be a discussion.

At any rate, I don't see a problem with porn as long as it isn't in mass quantities or anything harmful to anyone. As far as I'm concerned, whatever happens between two mutually consenting individuals is their business and I can't judge it as right or wrong.

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Icon 1 posted April 15, 2008 07:32      Profile for Tom- geeking around   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
The discussion I was born to have!

It all depends on the person and the porn, I guess.
There are indeed some (if few) who are addicted to porn. This should be considered as an illness itself, just as alcoholism IMHO.
And then, some see porn as a way to enhance masturbation. Nearly everyone masturbates, no discussion there. As already said above, men are more visually orientated. I could just as well masturbate without porn, just by going with my fantasies in my head. Or I could *watch*, which is a different kind of stimulation. I am not going to say that any one is better, but lets just say they're both different.
And then there's porn that you can watch to arouse yourself AND your partner. This of course depends on the sexual preferences of both.
I know a couple, they've been together since 3+ years. They are sexually very active. She told me, that she knows every aspect of her partner's body. She knows every mole, every wrinkle and every spot. So her partner's body is not /that/ interesting anymore as it was on the first date. She still finds her partner attractive, but the body isn't that interesting anymore to her.
In order to arouse each other, they watch porn. This only works of course, because they found a porn-category they can both enjoy watching.
I am sure there's couples who don't get bored that quickly by their partner's body, or if they do, they find a different solution (roleplay, etc..).

Porn, IMHO, helps your sexual stimulation during masturbation. Thus, it's completely okay to have porn and your partner should accept you watching porn. It has nothing to do with cheating with other women in his mind, nor is it necessarily an addictive behaviour. It's simply ok and normal.

To me, sex with my partner and sex with my right hand are somewhat two different sex drives somewhat independent from each other. I can have sex with my gf and when I am alone that day, I can still feel the urge to masturbate. I can masturbate and still feel like having sex with my partner. But in most cases, masturbating is the solution to an urge while my partner is not there. It all can happen.

Porn can trigger funny things in the brain. Some can develop their sexuality with it. They watch it and see something they find arousing other than the "plain-vanilla" sex. Maybe it's a particular type of women they like (brunettes, blondes, BBWs, whatever), maybe a particular sexual-practise... I am not saying that porn *generates* weird sexual desires, it rather uncovers them.
If you feel the urgre to rape someone, it certainly wasn't porn that created that desire, if you know what I mean. Then you're just not right in the head.
From what I have heard, sexual fantasies cannot be "un-taught". You can't reprogram yourself to stop liking, i.e lesbian porn and like straight-porn instead. They are just too settled in your head.

What I am just trying to say:
.) Porn is ok to look at and enjoy while masturbating
.) Porn really can revive sex with your partner when you got bored from each other and if you can find a category both like.
.) No woman should feel bad for her man watching porn. It's not you being insufficient or anything, it's just the way things are and you were raised with exceptions way from reality or you weren't confronted with it yet.
.) If it's bad porn, go see a therapist.

Phew *wipes sweat from forehead*
Any questions?
Thomas

Edit:
Not liking porn usually has to do with someone not having accepted him/herself or his/her sexuality.

And, very important: People need to realize that porn isn't reality.
You easily get the idea that anal sex is very easy and smooth by watching it in porn. But if you go too fast, or don't use lube it can be painful and not enjoyable at all.
Just stay sane and use commonsense, otherwise pain easily can create wrong ideas about sex and/or women.

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