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Author Topic: loosing hope
eng_geek
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Icon 1 posted May 13, 2007 23:16      Profile for eng_geek     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
so im 20, never had a gf, or date or anything..
i tried a couple of dating sites and talked to a couple ppl, but not enough i guess, cause i didnt meet any of em.
and my lack of experience just makes it that much worst ! cause i get more shy... loose self confidence..
and being in engineering doesnt help. all my blasses have like a 95+% guys to girls ratio !
im getting so tired of this..........
anybody else feels like this? and when i say feel like 'this' i really mean getting a gun and shooting his brains out.

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Ashitaka

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Icon 1 posted May 14, 2007 03:45      Profile for Ashitaka     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
if you really feel suicidal you should get help. Any university has help information about who to contact with student services.

As for meeting girls, I agree you are not going to meet them in an engineering school. Join clubs, hang out at book stores and join forums. You don't have to have an outgoin personality to meet woman, but you are also not goin to meet women sitting alone in your room. Get out and do stuff. (I am just assuming that you are not in 20 different clubs and still not meeting women. )

Oh yea, when you join a club do nottell everyone you are there to meet women. Join a club to hang out with people and you will meet women naturally.

--------------------
"If they're not gonna make a distinction between Muslims and violent extremists, then why should I take the time to distinguish between decent, fearful white people and racists?"

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Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted May 14, 2007 04:32      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I think Ashitaka meant do NOT tell people you're there to meet girls.

You can't force it to happen. Part of what will make you a good partner to someone is developing patience and persistence, as well as the ability to get through disappointments a stronger, more mature person.

I had exactly the same sort of feelings you're having when I was 20. Six years later, I met and married a wonderful man who is absolutely right for me. The thing is, he's 34, and there while he--like you--yearned for a wife/lover, there were things in his life that made it practically impossible. Those things cleared up, and voila, he found me.

It sounds cliche to say it, but while the timing may be right for you, it may not be right for her. So take Ashitaka's advice and get involved with things at school. Developing your interests will make you a more interesting person, it may help assuage some of the loneliness you're feeling, and very well may give you opportunity to interact with women, one of whom may think you're pretty special.

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GrumpySteen

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Icon 1 posted May 14, 2007 05:03      Profile for GrumpySteen     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm going to be the mean one here and be blunt...

Dating, romance and sex are not the end all be all of life. If you're agonizing so badly over the lack of romance that you're considering putting a gun to your head, you need to take a good long look at yourself and figure out where the hell your sense of self esteem got to.

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Just_Jess_B

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Icon 1 posted May 14, 2007 08:24      Profile for Just_Jess_B   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
20 is still young! Relax.

There are intelligent women who seek intelligent men. Now, I have friends who put artificial rules on dating (height, hair color, eye color, ethnic background) which limits their potential choices. You need to drop any you have.

If you want to date, take risks -- real risks. Join clubs and groups you're interested in. I met my husband at the gamer's club on the local University campus eleven years ago, something we were able to build a relationship on as we explored our own ideas about the world.

Also, talk to women. Say 'hi'. Be nice. Go out. Oh, and make sure you wear deodorant EVERY DAY. It took me months to tell my college boyfriend he needed it, and it almost was a dealbreaker. Soap isn't enough. Oh, and shampoo your hair every day, too.

My only caveat is that you will get your heart broken at least once. Romantic notions more often outweigh common sense before one has the experience to be jaded.

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Opinion is not Truth; that is why each has its own definition. Illiteracy sucks.

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Ashitaka

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Icon 1 posted May 14, 2007 09:17      Profile for Ashitaka     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Rhonwyyn:
I think Ashitaka meant do NOT tell people you're there to meet girls.

You can't force it to happen. Part of what will make you a good partner to someone is developing patience and persistence, as well as the ability to get through disappointments a stronger, more mature person.

I had exactly the same sort of feelings you're having when I was 20. Six years later, I met and married a wonderful man who is absolutely right for me. The thing is, he's 34, and there while he--like you--yearned for a wife/lover, there were things in his life that made it practically impossible. Those things cleared up, and voila, he found me.

It sounds cliche to say it, but while the timing may be right for you, it may not be right for her. So take Ashitaka's advice and get involved with things at school. Developing your interests will make you a more interesting person, it may help assuage some of the loneliness you're feeling, and very well may give you opportunity to interact with women, one of whom may think you're pretty special.

oops [blush]

--------------------
"If they're not gonna make a distinction between Muslims and violent extremists, then why should I take the time to distinguish between decent, fearful white people and racists?"

-Assif Mandvi

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drunkennewfiemidget
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Icon 1 posted May 14, 2007 09:42      Profile for drunkennewfiemidget     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Steen:
I'm going to be the mean one here and be blunt...

Dating, romance and sex are not the end all be all of life. If you're agonizing so badly over the lack of romance that you're considering putting a gun to your head, you need to take a good long look at yourself and figure out where the hell your sense of self esteem got to.

Felt this could stand to be echoed.
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Sxeptomaniac

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Icon 1 posted May 14, 2007 10:14      Profile for Sxeptomaniac   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Ashitaka:
if you really feel suicidal you should get help. Any university has help information about who to contact with student services.

I would agree that you should get help, eng_geek. It can be easy to get stuck in a cycle where you don't go out and meet people because you're depressed, then the loneliness only further exacerbates the depression.

--------------------
Let's pray that the human race never escapes from Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere. - C. S. Lewis

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garlicguy

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Icon 1 posted May 14, 2007 11:51      Profile for garlicguy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Ditto the above. Please check your PM's.

And quit staring at your navel! [Big Grin]

--------------------
I don't know what I was thinking... it seemed like a good idea at the time.

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eng_geek
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Icon 1 posted May 14, 2007 18:18      Profile for eng_geek     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
theres no school, ergo no clubs for now

and i hate going to clubs/pubs [Frown]

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boo
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Icon 1 posted May 14, 2007 18:32      Profile for boo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by eng_geek:
so im 20, never had a gf, or date or anything..
i tried a couple of dating sites and talked to a couple ppl, but not enough i guess, cause i didnt meet any of em.
and my lack of experience just makes it that much worst ! cause i get more shy... loose self confidence..
and being in engineering doesnt help. all my blasses have like a 95+% guys to girls ratio !
im getting so tired of this..........
anybody else feels like this? and when i say feel like 'this' i really mean getting a gun and shooting his brains out.

 -

When you're in the middle of something, it's hard to see it from any other perspective. But the situation you're in, bad as it may seem to you, is not that unusual. There are actually quite a lot of people your age and even older who have been in that same situation. I would venture to say that there are probably people right here at GC who are 10 - 15 years older than you who have never had a really long lasting, romantic and meaningful relationship. And that's sad.

But it's true that you have to make yourself available. The more you can get out and get face to face with women .. even women you are not the slightest bit interested in, is good. If nothing else, it's good practice. [thumbsup] You say you're shy which probably means you clam up and get tongue tied around women you are attracted to. So, find some you aren't that attracted to and just practice on them. [Smile] I don't mean to take advantage of them, I just mean to get used to starting conversations, making small talk and moving to something more meaningful, being funny, sharing anecdotes, etc. If you feel you "fail" it's not so awful when it's someone you were just chatting with as opposed to someone you are actually interested in. Practice everywhere, with everyone, while waiting in lines, etc. Just get used to talking. It's a good talent to develop, regardless. If you have to, start with other guys, old people, kids .. whoever. [Smile] Just start.

And make yourself available. There is someone out there for you. She's probably wondering where you are, too. Go find her.

Good luck. [thumbsup]

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stevenback7
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Icon 1 posted May 14, 2007 19:05      Profile for stevenback7   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
okay even though its been said - repetition is good because you always get a little bit of a twist.

I say go out there and socialize. Even though school is over there is always a lan party happening somewhere or a convention or something. But remember don't go in there looking for a gf just go in there looking to meet some friends who like the same stuff you do. Eventually you will have some girls in your pool of friends who you feel comfertable around and eventually you might go out with one of them. And even if you don't want to date any of them at least you are now able to talk to women easier and aren't as shy so that it will be a lot easier to meet someone.

But overall you are still young and in school. Go out and find some friends who like what you do and just don't worry to much about it. Its good that you got it off your chest now is the time to take our advice and fix the problem so that you can be happy. [Smile]

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eng_geek
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Icon 1 posted May 14, 2007 19:34      Profile for eng_geek     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by boo:
 -

But it's true that you have to make yourself available. The more you can get out and get face to face with women .. even women you are not the slightest bit interested in, is good. If nothing else, it's good practice. [thumbsup]

I actually started working in a restaurant about 2 years ago, kind of by accident. lol, I don't think restaurants are the most attractive place for geeks to work at, but anyway, the things is, that it has actually helped me enormously with talking to people, and woman ! And I don't get tongue tied anymore...
But for example,I cant even figure out all these 'signals' woman give.. and even tho i get along with some girls at work and school, its so hard to like ask them out for a coffee or something like that.. I have no idea whats on their mind, or if they are interested..
And yes, I've heard the whole 'Oh, so what if they are not, they'll tell you so, and thats the end of that, its no big deal' but no, it really is. At least for me..

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zesovietrussian
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Icon 1 posted May 14, 2007 19:55      Profile for zesovietrussian     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Why is it such a big deal to you? If one says no, simply move on - there's plenty of fish in the sea. And never try to understand what's on a woman's mind - most of the time, it's about as logical as a random number generator.


<cynicalbastid>
If youíre still considering the gun to the head idea, I strongly suggest you go with jacketed ammo. Hollow point will also do the trick, but the poor bastard who ends up having to scrape your brain fragments off the wall wonít be too happy, to say the least. And donít even think about using a shotgun Ė there are no words in this language to properly describe the mess youíre going to make.
</cynicalbastid>

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WinterSolstice

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Icon 1 posted May 14, 2007 20:03      Profile for WinterSolstice     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I disagree with jacketed - it is possible to cause little enough trauma that you would survive in a vegetative state. Go the for the hollowpoints and to heck with the cleanup. It's not your problem anymore [Big Grin]

But hey - style points for phosporous.

--------------------
An operating system should be like a light switch... simple, effective, easy to use, and designed for everyone.

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boo
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Icon 1 posted May 14, 2007 20:19      Profile for boo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Zeo .. [Roll Eyes] [Roll Eyes] [Roll Eyes] Edit to add; WS as well. [Roll Eyes]

Words fail me. No, it's not that, it's just that I know it's futile.


quote:
Originally posted by eng_geek:
quote:
Originally posted by boo:
 -

But it's true that you have to make yourself available. The more you can get out and get face to face with women .. even women you are not the slightest bit interested in, is good. If nothing else, it's good practice. [thumbsup]

I actually started working in a restaurant about 2 years ago, kind of by accident. lol, I don't think restaurants are the most attractive place for geeks to work at, but anyway, the things is, that it has actually helped me enormously with talking to people, and woman ! And I don't get tongue tied anymore...
But for example,I cant even figure out all these 'signals' woman give.. and even tho i get along with some girls at work and school, its so hard to like ask them out for a coffee or something like that.. I have no idea whats on their mind, or if they are interested..
And yes, I've heard the whole 'Oh, so what if they are not, they'll tell you so, and thats the end of that, its no big deal' but no, it really is. At least for me..

Great to hear the job helped with the talking to women part! [thumbsup] And as for the signals and all that, you're certainly not alone. Most men feel that way. Seriously, even after YEARS in a relationship, a lot of men will still stare at their wife or g/f with total incredulity because they can't understand WHAT she is trying to tell them. So don't feel bad about that. And what's worse, different girls may have somewhat different signals, anyway. But generally what you can look for (and again, it may differ from woman to woman) are these things:

Is she paying attention to you? (I don't mean in a rushed, work setting where there is no time to listen to you) I mean, if you're engaged in a conversation, is she "there" with you, engaged, asking questions, offering more than monosyllabic answers to your questions, etc? Does her face belie her interest? Do her eyes narrow, as though she is trying to think and understand you? Does she break out into a smile, on occasion? All of these are hints that she is paying attention and therefore, at least interested in what you have to say.

As for her body language .. does she lean toward you? Does she move her body (perhaps even subconsciously) into flirty or sensual positions? For instance, whilst sitting, one shoulder is fallen forward, or she wraps her legs in an advantageous position or leans over enough to allow a peek at her cleavage. All of those are signs of interest, as well. Playing with her hair, as well. As opposed to that, arms tightly clasped across her chest, lots of impatient sighing, rolling of her eyes, one word answers to your questions, etc. are a negative signal.

As for asking a girl out without knowing what is on her mind .. well, that is risky, I know, but lots of good things are. Sometimes the result is disastrous and sometimes it's great. [Smile] Unfortunately, you don't know until you try. This is what I would suggest. Don't plan it, don't obsess over it .. just make it very casual. When the timing is good, just ask her out for a cup of coffee on the spur of the moment. For instance, after a shift at the restaurant you might be standing around chatting and you might say something .. "Are you going to watch Idol tonight?" (or whatever) and she might say, "Nah, I've got a chem test to study for." And you could say, "Well, want to grab a quick cup of coffee before you get started?" That way, it's not like a big, serious "date" and when you get her one on one, you can get a better feeling for what she is thinking about you (watch for the signals I mentioned - just don't expect all of them, lol)

But also, be prepared for a no. Some women don't like last minute things, even if they ARE in to you. And also, allow it to be short. If you ask her for a quick cup, don't keep her talking for three hours (unless she is clearly in to it) Just even a short chat is great practice and less stressful.

Anyhow .. I know you'll find someone. You sound great! Just keep things positive, and as others have mentioned, enjoy the other aspects of your life, while you're waiting for the right one. It's actually a good time to work on aspects of your self, physically, mentally, spiritually, etc. so that you really feel confident that you have something to offer her, when she shows up.

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zesovietrussian
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Icon 1 posted May 15, 2007 09:00      Profile for zesovietrussian     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Aw, I'm really sorry, I had no idea you ladies were so sensitive. Let me rephrase what I just said - I'll try to make it as gentle and inoffensive as possible, like a MasterCard ad.

Three yards of rope - $3
Bar of soap - $1
Cheap stool - $20
Thick tree branch - $free
Ability to solve all of your life's problems in one simple step (no pun intended) - priceless.

There are some things in life money can't buy. For everything else, there's MasterCard.

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drunkennewfiemidget
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Icon 1 posted May 15, 2007 09:27      Profile for drunkennewfiemidget     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
There's only one fscking o in lose.
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uilleann
Discontinued


Icon 1 posted May 15, 2007 10:07            Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
There is no "s" in "fucking". People these days ...
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garlicguy

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Icon 1 posted May 15, 2007 10:24      Profile for garlicguy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Unless it's plural. :sheesh:

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I don't know what I was thinking... it seemed like a good idea at the time.

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Sxeptomaniac

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Icon 1 posted May 15, 2007 10:29      Profile for Sxeptomaniac   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by drunkennewfiemidget:
There's only one fscking o in lose.

I was wondering when someone would bring that up. Having worked with a couple of dyslexics in the past, I've gotten used to letting horrendous spelling slide unless the correction was necessary, but I still inwardly cringe at that kind of thing, though.

--------------------
Let's pray that the human race never escapes from Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere. - C. S. Lewis

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WinterSolstice

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Icon 1 posted May 15, 2007 12:06      Profile for WinterSolstice     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by boo:
Zeo .. [Roll Eyes] [Roll Eyes] [Roll Eyes] Edit to add; WS as well. [Roll Eyes]

Words fail me. No, it's not that, it's just that I know it's futile.

[Roll Eyes] Sorry, I guess not all of us are boo approved. I'm afraid I left my sense of giving a damn in my other suit.

If people are going to get all melodramatic and huffy, maybe they need a little irony and humor? Seriously. Whining is dumb and played out. You want to kill yourself? Go for it.

I personally can't stand people who are all whiny and all "Ooooh - I'm going to post all over about how I want to kill my self". No you don't, don't be so dammned emo. If you want to kill yourself, do it. If you don't, then take the advice proffered. Boo (remarkably enough) posted something really nice and helpful. I'd suggest you take her advice on women. She's actually got some good points in there.

--------------------
An operating system should be like a light switch... simple, effective, easy to use, and designed for everyone.

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Ashitaka

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Icon 1 posted May 15, 2007 13:50      Profile for Ashitaka     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by zesovietrussian:
Aw, I'm really sorry, I had no idea you ladies were so sensitive. Let me rephrase what I just said - I'll try to make it as gentle and inoffensive as possible, like a MasterCard ad.

Three yards of rope - $3
Bar of soap - $1
Cheap stool - $20
Thick tree branch - $free
Ability to solve all of your life's problems in one simple step (no pun intended) - priceless.

There are some things in life money can't buy. For everything else, there's MasterCard.

I don't mean to sound ig'nant, but I do not have much experience with suicide. What does one do with the bar of soap? Cram it in the out hole so you don't deficate into your pants?

--------------------
"If they're not gonna make a distinction between Muslims and violent extremists, then why should I take the time to distinguish between decent, fearful white people and racists?"

-Assif Mandvi

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zesovietrussian
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Icon 1 posted May 15, 2007 14:51      Profile for zesovietrussian     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I think you're supposed to rub it on the rope so the noose slides easier, though I'm not 100% sure. You might want to ask Spungo, he's our resident murder and execution expert [Smile]
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Serenak

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Icon 1 posted May 15, 2007 15:58      Profile for Serenak     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
You "grease" the rope with the soap to make sure it don't stick... though why soap and not a half pound of lard I don't know, I would think that would be a better bet actually.

then again most folks don't know a good Molotov needs some "soap" shavings... Again based on the time and place of the writing I suspect a bit of lard or a little oil would be better than modern soap...

Oh and Eng_Geek, without wishing to sound really harsh - either get help if you are really suicidal or "just get a grip" - I was well past 20 before I had a "real" relationship and my younger brother well into his 30s (and he is now married with 2 kids...) and btw I was nearly into my 40s before I found someone withwhom I wanted to have kids... and now my 3rd is on the way!

--------------------
"So if you want my address - it's No. 1 at the end of the bar, where I sit with the broken angels, clutching at straws and nursing my scars..."

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