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Author Topic: How do you know you're in love?
Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted February 12, 2006 23:39      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Continuing the OT (but hey, it's my thread, so I can!):

I'm wondering if neither of you (Geordie and Demos) had much success because of your religious preferences? While eHarmony does have options for more than Christians, it's still mostly known as a site for Christians. So if a lot of people are specifying that they only want matched with Christians (or a specific denomination therein) and you aren't Christian, it'll definitely decrease your chances for multiple matches.

Still, I got frustrated after 500 matches 'cause the guys just seemed not to reply. It's not the system's fault, but even so, I almost canceled my membership last Fall. I'm glad I stuck with it, though, 'cause I wouldn't have been matched with Jonathan then.

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Erbo
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Icon 1 posted February 13, 2006 01:19      Profile for Erbo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Rhonwyyn, since I know you're a person with good taste (you read my DWTS and SWC posts and don't badmouth me [Big Grin] ), perhaps I can offer you some advice.

1. Go ask some of your friends, particularly if any of them have seen you and Jonathan together. It's a proverbial fact that, when two people are in love, everybody around them knows it, even if the two people actually involved don't.

2. Remember the Heinleinian definition of "love": "that condition in which another person's happiness and well-being are essential to your own." Does that sound familiar at all?

3. To a certain extent, though, anything anyone says to you about recognizing when you're in love is not going to convey the feeling. It's kind of like the Taoist saying: "The Tao that can be spoken of is not the true Tao." To a certain extent, you will just "know." It's not something I can explain, even though I've been through it a couple of times; any terms in which I could explain it would probably be less-than-meaningful to you. I can speak, for instance, of the need to spend a certain amount of time "readjusting my world-picture" in response to the realization, but that reflects my mental mechanisms, not necessarily yours.

Good luck!

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See more From The Erbo Files: www.erbosoft.com/blog/

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drunkennewfiemidget
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Icon 1 posted February 13, 2006 06:46      Profile for drunkennewfiemidget     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
You'll know.
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Tom- geeking around

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Icon 1 posted February 13, 2006 08:55      Profile for Tom- geeking around   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Rhonie,

the most important stuff has already been said, I'll share my experiences with you.
But knowledge about love comes with age and time, and I might be in the Top-5 posters who'll post regarding this.

Anyways, I'll nevah forget it ya'know...
When I was in love with my ex Sonja (1.5 years ago). Our hands were shaking when she gave me the post-it with her phone number on it. And I didn't realize until I looked at our hands...
When we kissed my heart went boom-boom and my knees went shaky as if they had to carry an elephant.
As most people in here "predicted", this excitement faded as time went by, and a certain feeling of "routine" set in.
But, these first few weeks were one of the best ones ever.

But, regarding yourself [Smile]
Well.. from what I can read in your posts, you two seem to "love" each other. You have the butterflies, and he is always happy to hear something from you. Sounds as if you do, right?
Darling, if I could tell you more accurately than you, something would be wrong. Right?

From what my impression is, you seem to be really surprised that somebody loves you for yourself and that you actually did fall in love as well. It might be that you are really overwhelmed by these feelings and don't know how to handle or intrepret them as you haven't had them before?
I can only tell you this:
You have these feelings, and you are feeling them yourself. How many more times do you have to feel them to believe yourself?

Finally, love is a wave you gotta ride. You have to see the wave and catch it, and then ride it from then on: and enjoy it!
BUT, that does not mean in any way that you are out of control and are going to be much surprised by what comes. You still have control over the surfboard you are riding on, right?

And, if the issue you are having is in any way connected to your weight problems and thus your self-esteem.. Well, you know my point regarding that and I would only repeat myself =)

Finally,
Enjoy the feelings you are having. Believe them. You were born with instincts (+a brain of course) to get you trough life. These ínstincts don't fool you.

You need to finally realize and accept that you are REALLY in love and that he loves you. [Wink]

Now - really finally:
That is pretty much all I can think of to say right now. Even though I already typed all of this and IE crashed while I was previewing the post..

Thomas

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Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted February 13, 2006 09:11      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Aww, thanks Erbo and Tom!

I told Mom about Jonathan and me yesterday and she seemed to take it rather well. She didn't yell or berate me or anything, but she did ask what he thought of my weight. I tried to think how to summarize one of the e-mail exchanges we had regarding it, but I couldn't, so I just said "he likes me." "Are you gaining or losing weight?" she responded, then proceeded to rave about the woman at her office who had gastric bypass surgery and has lost over 85 pounds so far. "Her personality's so much different and she just seems so much happier," Mom said. When I told that to Jonathan, I said, "If I overanalyze this, I'd wonder if Mom wanted my personality to change too." He laughed, astonished, and said that was the very thing he was thinking! But he likes my personality very much (it's one of the things that attracts him to me), and he wouldn't ever want me to change it. (Both he and my housemate couldn't believe Mom actually asked about his perception of my weight. I guess in polite society, questions like that are considered rude, even when asked by family.)

I do really like Jonathan and am probably starting to love him. I'm not giddy anymore like I was the day after our date, but I really like talking with him and don't want to see him hurt. We have a date this Sunday... I'll probably be giddy on Monday again. [Razz]

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snupy
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Icon 1 posted February 13, 2006 09:30      Profile for snupy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Wow, your mom sounds just like mine-maybe worse. Asking you what he thinks of your weight is just WRONG. I'm so sorry you have to go through that crap. It's mean and hurtful-and, NO, she doesn't "mean well". If you want any advice from someone who's been there, try to stop it NOW. Don't let it go everytime until you absolutely have no relationship left with her or it causes you pain every time you see her. Years of therapy have finally allowed me to cope with it, but if I had spoken up years ago, who knows? I might actually miss her now that I'm over here. [Frown]

I'm pretty lucky cause now that I've left the US, her new crusade is to get me back to Catholicism for some reason!

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"I just ordered an extra-long straw to avoid accidentally doing a sit-up"-Jay, Modern Family

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snupy
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Icon 1 posted February 13, 2006 09:31      Profile for snupy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
oops-guess i'm a bit rusty-my FIRST double post!!!

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"I just ordered an extra-long straw to avoid accidentally doing a sit-up"-Jay, Modern Family

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GameMaster
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Icon 1 posted February 13, 2006 09:58      Profile for GameMaster   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm reminded of one of my favorite definitions:

code:
From THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY ((C)1911 Released April 15 1993) [devils]:
LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of
the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder.
This disease, like _caries_ and many other ailments, is prevalent only
among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous
nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from
its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the
physician than to the patient.

Your mother is out of line, but I've seen the type. I suppose she wants the best for you, but just is blind as to what that actucally is. It's nice to see that he is in your corner on this issue.

Take things slow, and carefully; but, at the same time Carpe Geekium.

BTW, is this the same guy who you were talking with about how metal illness and the biblical cannon can be reconciled?

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Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted February 13, 2006 10:19      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
GM, yeah, same guy. It took three hours, but we've worked out our differences on those subjects. A lot of it came down to miscommunication of tone via e-mail.

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MacManKrisK

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Icon 7 posted February 13, 2006 10:30      Profile for MacManKrisK     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Rohnnie: your mother sounds like a dreadful woman! Of course I realize I'm making a number of assumptions based on a few typed sentances. I'm also extrapolating from my own expierences with Stephanie.

Steph's mom sounds very similar to yours. Steph's mom practices a very conditional kind of love; the kind of love that says "I'll love you if you lose weight" or "I'll love you if you get straight A's." She's always riding her about her weight, her diet, her grades or anything else she can find "wrong" about her. And although these things often take the guise of "I'm just worried about your health/your career," looking at it from a more objective view it looks more to me like pride. Her mom can't be proud of her because she's overweight, her mom can't be proud of her because she has a 3.2GPA. Understandably, Steph can't see that this is all her mother's problem so she blames herself.

No wonder that, after all these years of hearing "you're not thin enough for anyone to love you" when someone comes along (me) who loves her for the person she is, in whatever state she is in, she has a hard time believing that it's even possible for someone to love her. Steph has been taught all her life, like you have, that love is conditional. Yes, she's heard in church that God loves all of us unconditonally, but no one has ever shown her what unconditional love really is.

Rhonnie: I know that you know that God loves you unconditonally. God, who is love itself, loves you and me and Steph and even Osama Bin Laden without conditions, without ceasing. He may not be pleased with some of the things we do, or some of the choices we make, but He loves us anyway. Jonathan loves you too, in much the same way; I can tell by the way you describe your relationship with him. Having a lasting relationship with him, though, will require you to have faith in something you can't see with your eyes or test with logic. You must have faith in his love for you and to do that you must believe that you are loveable just the way you are.

Rhonnie: I know that you are loveable, and I know that you are worthy of being loved just the way you are. There's a whole boatload of people here that care about you and love you just for being you. If we didn't care, we wouldn't post. [Smile]

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"Buy low, sell high
get rich and you still die"


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Tom- geeking around

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Icon 1 posted February 13, 2006 11:07      Profile for Tom- geeking around   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
You must have faith in his love for you and to do that you must believe that you are loveable just the way you are.

Rhonnie: I know that you are loveable, and I know that you are worthy of being loved just the way you are. There's a whole boatload of people here that care about you and love you just for being you. If we didn't care, we wouldn't post.

Amen brother! Exactly what I am thinking!

Thomas

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drunkennewfiemidget
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Icon 1 posted February 13, 2006 13:16      Profile for drunkennewfiemidget     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
snupy made a very good point though. You need to (as non-confrontational as is possible with her) make it known to your mother that her judgemental questions and rude implications are unacceptable to family, or anyone, and they need to be fixed. You can't put up with that. If you do, things will get progressively worse.
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GMx

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Icon 1 posted February 13, 2006 13:44      Profile for GMx     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by snupy:
I'm pretty lucky cause now that I've left the US, her new crusade is to get me back to Catholicism for some reason!

Because you're now living in the land of the heretical separatists. [Wink]
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Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted February 13, 2006 15:13      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yeah, I've been in counseling for over a year (it's tapered off quite a bit recently, though) learning how to deal with Mom. I figured it really wasn't worth an argument at the time she said what she did, but if she brings it up again, I'll definitely say something. I'm kinda hoping she says something around Jonathan... it'd be awesome to see him stand up for me. [Smile]

Thanks, all, for your concern! Snupy, I'm glad you've been able to escape (even if you are so far away now). [Big Grin] MMKK, you are spot-on about Steph's mom and mine being similar. I've heard a lot of the same things from my mom. Comes from having a low self-esteem of herself, I think. I just hope that I'll be able to break that cycle when I have my own children.

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Callipygous
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Icon 1 posted February 13, 2006 15:21      Profile for Callipygous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Rhonnie listen hard to what Snupes is saying. While you can dress it up as concern, or meaning well, (and I have little doubt that your mother does, and she may even manage to kid herself), you cannot get away from the fact that her immediate and instinctive reaction to the excellent news that you are romantically involved are remarks that anyone must realise will tend to knock you down. Your self esteem is something you have previously admitted is at times a bit fragile. This is simply not the action of a loving and supportive parent. It appears that she would like to keep you infantilised, and shut up in your box. Though it may be difficult to address devious behaviour of this sort, you should have it out with her, else she will despise you for not doing so, and so it will carry on.

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"Knowledge is Power. France is Bacon" - Milton

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Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted February 13, 2006 15:34      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thanks, Calli. Unfortunately, I have "had it out" with Mom, but she didn't listen. She just sat there, looking out the window, completely ignoring what I said. After she left, my counselor looked at me and said pretty much what all of you are saying: Mom has her own issues and she's taking them out on me. I can't change her issues or fix them for her, but I can learn to deflect her questions and rude remarks so they don't have the power to hurt me. (BTW, it was Mom's idea to come to a counseling appointment because she wanted to tell the counselor everything that's wrong with me!)

This is part of why I moved out the first time, then moved out the second time when I found another house. I'm living in a safe environment now. My housemate is another Christian my age who's had some similar issues with her parents. It's been totally refreshing living with someone who encourages me and supports me, instead of trying to tear me down. It's also been really helpful to live with someone who has a successful, healthy relationship with a man (she's engaged to be married on 3 June). She's answered lots of my questions about dating and guys and all that jazz. (PS, if you didn't know yet, guys are weird! [Wink] )

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Change the way you SEE, not the way you LOOK!

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csk

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Icon 1 posted February 13, 2006 16:55      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yeah, I'd echo what everyone else has been saying about your Mum, Rhon, from what you've said in this thread and chatting to you outside of GC. Sounds like you're setting good boundaries and learning to relate in a healthy way to her (from your side anyway), so keep it up [thumbsup]

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6 weeks to go!

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Matias
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Icon 1 posted February 13, 2006 16:57      Profile for Matias   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
OMG....Out of the whole thread, this is all that stuck out...
quote:
Here is my rule:

Like: Spit
Love: Swallow
Lust: Gargle

Well said! [Applause]

Did not mean to spoil your love thread Rhonnie. I'm happy for you. (While I am in the misery of my own love life) [cry baby]

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A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

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Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted February 13, 2006 17:26      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
How very appropriate, Matias, 'cause Jonathan and I were discussing that very topic today.

Oh wait, you're not talking 'bout phlegm and the flu. [Eek!]

[Razz]

If being in love feels this good, Matias, I can certainly imagine how much breaking up must hurt (whether you or he initiated the breakup). Hang in there, Girl! We're here for you. :hug:

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Change the way you SEE, not the way you LOOK!

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csk

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Icon 1 posted February 13, 2006 17:27      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Matias:
OMG....Out of the whole thread, this is all that stuck out...
quote:
Here is my rule:

Like: Spit
Love: Swallow
Lust: Gargle

Well said! [Applause]

Did not mean to spoil your love thread Rhonnie. I'm happy for you. (While I am in the misery of my own love life) [cry baby]

Sounds like most of thus are in that situation Matias, so at least you're not alone (well not as alone as you think).

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6 weeks to go!

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zesovietrussian
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Icon 1 posted February 13, 2006 17:30      Profile for zesovietrussian     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by csk:
quote:
Originally posted by Matias:
OMG....Out of the whole thread, this is all that stuck out...
quote:
Here is my rule:

Like: Spit
Love: Swallow
Lust: Gargle

Well said! [Applause]

Did not mean to spoil your love thread Rhonnie. I'm happy for you. (While I am in the misery of my own love life) [cry baby]

Sounds like most of thus are in that situation Matias, so at least you're not alone (well not as alone as you think).
Exactly. Now let's all go to a bar, get drunk and rescue someone who just happens to be in the same situation as we are.
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csk

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Icon 1 posted February 13, 2006 22:19      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by zesovietrussian:
Exactly. Now let's all go to a bar, get drunk and rescue someone who just happens to be in the same situation as we are.

"Hi, you look alone and in need of rescue", hmm, might just work...

Hmm I think I've managed to one up myself already for most depressing Valentine's day ever. Last year was visiting my daughter so ended up spending the day around my ex wife. And this year has been quashing a potential "let's try again" with my ex girlfriend.

That bar rescue concept is sounding really good right now...

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6 weeks to go!

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Icon 1 posted February 13, 2006 23:36      Profile for Geordie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Rhonwyyn:
Continuing the OT (but hey, it's my thread, so I can!):
I'm wondering if neither of you (Geordie and Demos) had much success because of your religious preferences? While eHarmony does have options for more than Christians…

I am going to fork this thread and start a new one because I like your thread being on topic. See: eHarmony etc.

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Geordie

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