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Author Topic: Overweight wife
dangel
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Icon 5 posted January 17, 2006 20:11      Profile for dangel         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
What do you do when your significant other gains a lot of weight? My wife used to be thin but after we got married she started to eat more and more and get bigger. She can't stick to a diet for more than a few days.I didn't mind when she was 30 lbs overweight but this is getting riduculous!
 -  -

Posts: 2 | From: NJ | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged
Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted January 17, 2006 20:21      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
What's ridiculous is that she wore a one-piece when thin and now wears a two-piece when not thin.

In any case, you married this woman "for better or for worse." She's still the same person you married. Have you stayed the same since you were married? Or have you grown a beer belly, has your hair turned grey, and has hair started growing out your nose and ears? "Grace" is something you need to learn and show toward your wife.

Think of all the good things you've experienced with her. Has she had children? Praise her for what she went through. Nine months however many times over isn't necessarily pleasant and it's bound to take a toll on her body.

Look at her family. Have her parents and grandparents and ancestors put on weight as they age? It might be part of an unavoidable hereditary pattern.

Still, there are things you and she can do. First, she's going to need to want to change. Forcing her to change will only hurt both of you and your relationship. Then, instead of sitting on your butt watching TV or playing with computers, get out of the house. Take walks around the neighborhood or in the mall. Go to the gym together. Go shopping together and work together to make healthy food purchases.

Do this out of love for her, not love for yourself. Why are you posting on-line, and especially in the geek community (versus on a women's forum and/or a weight-loss forum, or even on Dear Abby)? I doubt that you posted out of any real concern for your wife, but more out of embarrassment to be seen with her. Still, if you're so ashamed, why post her picture on-line?

My gut instinct is you're just trolling us. I feel sorry for you, and moreso for the poor woman who might be married to you.

[Mad]

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Change the way you SEE, not the way you LOOK!

Posts: 3849 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged
zesovietrussian
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Icon 1 posted January 17, 2006 20:29      Profile for zesovietrussian     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Who let the trolls out?

If you're in fact not trolling, although the chances of that are rather slim, stop bitching and go buy a treadmill or something along those lines.

/thread.

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dangel
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Icon 1 posted January 17, 2006 20:30      Profile for dangel         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
It seems to me that "for better or worse" applies to situations you can't control. This is one she won't control.

Yes, her mother is very fat and is always overfeeding her when we visit or dropping off cakes and things she cooks -- all very fattening -- and complementing my wife on her healthy appetite. Her mother's influence is a problem but i don't think it's hereditary when you see how much they both eat.

Am i embarassed? Yes a bit when my friends say "what happened? She was such a babe."

She doesn't wear a two piece to the beach. This is a photo we took to stick to the refrigerator back in the spring when she talked about losing weight again. It didn't work.

Posts: 2 | From: NJ | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged
Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted January 17, 2006 20:55      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Okay, then she needs to firmly tell her mother not to bring any food over to the house. Warn her that if she does bring over food, it will be disposed of immediately. Thank her mother for her generosity, but that you don't need food from her right now.

Then proceed to work from the inside out. Is your wife happy and healthy emotionally and mentally? Has she suffered some trauma (big or small) that may have triggered a weight gain? If so, seeing a licensed counselor or clergyperson would be a great place to start.

How does your wife feel about her body? Overeating (which you suggest she does) is a vicious cycle. She'll overeat, then feel bad about it, then eat to provide comfort, then feel bad, repeat ad nauseum. It's important that you compliment your wife about her appearance. Yes, she's gained weight, but do her eyes still sparkle? Are her hands still pretty, and if not, have they grown worn through years of caring for you and her children? If so, then they're even more beautiful! Encourage her to dress well. If she doesn't know where to shop, try Lane Bryant (the store, not the catalog!!) or Fashion Bug. Better yet, www.UllaPopken.com, Silhouettes and for the very wealthy, Peg Lutz, are very stylish places for plus-size women to shop. Oh, and start shopping with a decent bra that doesn't bulge anywhere. Just My Size carrries a wide range of styles and sizes, up to 52J. Last I knew, they were having a 50% off sale.

Being overweight does not mean the world has ended. Get that into your head and into hers, but be nice about it.

Oh, and if she wants to quickly lose almost 200 pounds? She can divorce you. [Razz]

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Change the way you SEE, not the way you LOOK!

Posts: 3849 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged
nerdwithnofriends
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Icon 1 posted January 17, 2006 21:17      Profile for nerdwithnofriends     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hmmm, this is vicious. Is there any kind of emotional stress going on?


I'm going to have to take Rhonny's advice slightly further and ask if there has been a corresponding change in your physical appearance. If not, then you are in the right to try and improve her situation, because while it may only be cosmetic now, eventually it WILL lead to health problems.

I would say that you should start taking baby steps to help improve her health- and everything I suggest you need to do WITH her. I'd say start going for walks, starting short and getting longer. Then try riding a bike around to do simple things like go to the grocery store, etc. Eventually, get to a gym. However, there are two things going against her here: she is already really overweight, and she is female. Rest of GC, please refrain from flaming me until AFTER you have read my rationale on this one: the thing is, women are made of more fat than men. It's just a fact. Add to this the fact that since there is less muscle, there is less caloric consumption, and you have a situation where it is almost impossible to lose significant amounts of weight in a short period of time without drastically changing your diet.

Combine that with the fact that she is NOT a teenager, and is in fact in her middle years, so that her metabolism is only a fraction of that of a healthy person.

To see any real improvements, you'll probably have to dramatically alter her (and, to make it easy on her, your) diet. What I mean by this is go from eating three meals a day to eating a stick of celery, along with some vitamins to make sure you are nutritionally sound. If you get hungry, eat more celery. Celery is a gift from the Gods for those trying to lose weight (ask any highschool wrestler).

Finally, engange in sexual activity. This is will be a tough one. If you are a shallow bastard, that is. Sex burns more calories than running a mile, and it's infinitely more enjoyable, so do the freaky as often as possible. I swear you'll see marked improvements, especially if you combine sexual activity with the above mentioned excercises and my incredible diet plan.

Will it be hard? Hell yeah, it will. But it will be harder when she dies because of heart disease or develops some weird cancer or some crazy shizzle like that.

And, as an added benefit, if you work through this together, it can only help to strengthen your marriage.

Now, go get your woman in the mood, son!!

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"The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top of a mountain or in the petals of a flower." - Robert M. Pirsig

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Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted January 17, 2006 21:27      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I agree with NWNF's advice except for one thing: Significantly reducing her caloric intake will actually work against her. Her body will think it's being starved (which it is), and will DECREASE her metabolism instead of increasing it, which she needs.

My mom's done the heart diet, something she got from one of the doctors for whom she works. It's kinda like the South Beach diet and like Dr. Gott's "No sugar, no flour" diet. I've heard good things about Dr. Gott's plan, so research that one.

(Oh, and if she eats out of boredom, eating boring celery won't be very encouraging!! [Wink] )

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Change the way you SEE, not the way you LOOK!

Posts: 3849 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged
nerdwithnofriends
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Icon 1 posted January 17, 2006 21:33      Profile for nerdwithnofriends     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Rhonwyyn:
I agree with NWNF's advice except for one thing: Significantly reducing her caloric intake will actually work against her. Her body will think it's being starved (which it is), and will DECREASE her metabolism instead of increasing it, which she needs.

My mom's done the heart diet, something she got from one of the doctors for whom she works. It's kinda like the South Beach diet and like Dr. Gott's "No sugar, no flour" diet. I've heard good things about Dr. Gott's plan, so research that one.

(Oh, and if she eats out of boredom, eating boring celery won't be very encouraging!! [Wink] )

Good point. However, I still believe that if you couple drastically reduced caloric intake with a relatively rigorous physical excercise plan, you'll see some good results. Only time will tell, though.

Different strokes for different folks.

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"The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top of a mountain or in the petals of a flower." - Robert M. Pirsig

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TMBWITW,PB

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Icon 8 posted January 17, 2006 21:42      Profile for TMBWITW,PB     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
One thing you don't do is post picture of her like that online! Especially not without her permission! (Like I'd believe for a second you actually have it.) And you don't trash talk her like that behind her back. WTF is wrong with you? I bet you don't exactly look like Russell Crowe right now either. I mean if you said you were worried about her health or something that might be at least a little in your favor, but no, you're worried about being embarassed when your friends comment on it. It's all entirely about YOU.

quote:
Oh, and if she wants to quickly lose almost 200 pounds? She can divorce you. [Razz]
I really think she ought to.

Bastard.

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"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye."
óMiss Piggy

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nerdwithnofriends
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Icon 1 posted January 17, 2006 21:46      Profile for nerdwithnofriends     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by TMBWITW,PB:
One thing you don't do is post picture of her like that online! Especially not without her permission! (Like I'd believe for a second you actually have it.) And you don't trash talk her like that behind her back. WTF is wrong with you? I bet you don't exactly look like Russell Crowe right now either. I mean if you said you were worried about her health or something that might be at least a little in your favor, but no, you're worried about being embarassed when your friends comment on it. It's all entirely about YOU.

quote:
Oh, and if she wants to quickly lose almost 200 pounds? She can divorce you. [Razz]
I really think she ought to.

Bastard.

You know, it's kinda weird reading that post and then looking at your user icon... such conflict!!!

*brain explodes*

great, now I've gone and gotten gray matter all over my beautiful iMac...

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"The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top of a mountain or in the petals of a flower." - Robert M. Pirsig

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TMBWITW,PB

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Icon 1 posted January 17, 2006 21:58      Profile for TMBWITW,PB     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yeah, that post probably would have been more appropriate with my old avatar.

 -

I love my new avatar and would never want to get rid of it, but I do miss the old girl. [Happytears]

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"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye."
óMiss Piggy

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Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted January 17, 2006 22:07      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Nah, you're too sweet and look too much like Robin Wright Penn to give up this av.

Which gives your stern words such import!

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Change the way you SEE, not the way you LOOK!

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Xanthine

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Icon 1 posted January 17, 2006 22:08      Profile for Xanthine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Peebs, wanna bet she's a comfort eater?

There can be lots of emotional issues involved in food and weight loss or weight gain. This may be part of your wife's problem, and my guess is your attitude towards her ain't helping.

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And it's one, two, three / On the wrong side of the lee / What were you meant for? / What were you meant for?
- The Decemberists

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alfrin
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Icon 1 posted January 17, 2006 22:08      Profile for alfrin     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
How about this, fuck you troll. I know a lot of these people are being as nice as they can by recommending diets. You have no right to come in, post pictures of your wife, complain about her weight and ask somebody to find a way to fix it for you. What sick bastard can do this without feeling any shame for what he has done. And you love her? Yet you want to change her for your own personal pleasure

I'd say go to hell, But I really don't want to meet you in the afterlife.

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Art is Resistance / Resistance is Art

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nerdwithnofriends
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Icon 1 posted January 17, 2006 22:19      Profile for nerdwithnofriends     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by alfrin:

I'd say go to hell, But I really don't want to meet you in the afterlife.

Now how long have you been waiting to use that line? [crazy]

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"The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top of a mountain or in the petals of a flower." - Robert M. Pirsig

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Grummash

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Icon 1 posted January 17, 2006 22:23      Profile for Grummash     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
dangel

If this is how you treat people, it's a miracle anybody would want to marry you in the first place.

Do your wife a favour, do yourself a favour, do us a favour - STFU.

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...and yet, across the gulf of space, minds immeasurably superior to ours regarded this earth with envious eyes...

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zesovietrussian
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Icon 1 posted January 17, 2006 22:55      Profile for zesovietrussian     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Dangel: it's probably all your fault. Ever wondered why most of the single girls are so slim? They come home from work, see what's in the fridge and go straight to bed. A married woman comes home, sees what's in bed and goes to the fridge - at least, in your case. So there you have it [Razz]
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Tom- geeking around

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Icon 1 posted January 18, 2006 02:14      Profile for Tom- geeking around   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Ever heard these lines: "I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull up tight
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed.." ?

Come on Sir Troll-a-lot, you didn't need to post pics to "emphasize" your "problem".
Fat people (if this it the way you call them) are better than you. WAY better.

Thomas

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Pizza and ginormous jugs is what I need!

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Callipygous
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Icon 1 posted January 18, 2006 02:54      Profile for Callipygous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Let's not have this turn into a self righteous feeding frenzy. Peebs's post is spot on and I have nothing much to add to it. Nevertheless I am reluctant to judge anyone on the basis of just two posts, however ill judged and unpleasant, or to speculate on the state of their marriage.

Morbid obesity is of course a significant health risk, so there are real reasons he should be concerned, as well as the unattractive motives his posts appear to show, but to make the big changes in both lifestyle and mental attitude needed to accomplish a significant and permanent difference requires an effort of will that can only come from her, so the only thing he can do to help, is to be always loving, supportive, and reassuring. Anything that could be interpreted as critical or undermining will only make matters worse.

The only times my wife or I managed to do this, (and neither of us are hugely overweight), was in the face of extreme grief when her father was dying, or in my case when I became unemployed. In retrospect it was obviously an attempt to feel in control of something, when other parts of our lives seemed to be disintegrating. How one manages to summon up the willpower in the absence of such a crisis is not something I know very much about, though a lot of people (and women in particular) find support groups like Weightwatchers very helpful.

Last of all dangel, I suggest you hit the edit button above your first post and delete the images in it.

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"Knowledge is Power. France is Bacon" - Milton

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Wick
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Icon 1 posted January 18, 2006 03:42      Profile for Wick     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
The solution is simple. All you have to do is figure out if you love her. If so...you will help and support her and live with it. If not, then your best option is to leave her. You will save alot of problems later.

Besides...working with her to help her lose weight could be fun. A good diet plan with sex 3-5 times a day would burn it right off. [Big Grin]

And remember being overweight hurts her more than it does you. She needs someone to support her.

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-= "There comes a time in a man's life when he must roll the dice and except the outcome" =-

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Colonel Panic
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Icon 1 posted January 18, 2006 04:27      Profile for Colonel Panic         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Take her out to the gun range, when she asks, "What are we doing here, sweetheart?" You remind her of the time you were out to dinner and saw that fat woman and she said, "If I ever get that fat, just shoot me."

Or you could start listening to Spin Doctor's, "Big Fat Funky Booty," and Queen't "Fat Bottom Girls."

Or you could quit being a jerk and start treating her nice in the bedroom. Only reason a woman puts on weight like that after getting married is that her husband is no good in bed. Everybody knows that. And that's probably why you feel embarrassed.

Read "Joy of Sex" and start listening more to Dr. Ruth. Buy roses, and do the dishes. Hey, you do the shopping and cooking.

Colonel Panic

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Free! Free at last!

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Mander
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Icon 1 posted January 18, 2006 08:39      Profile for Mander     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
It's all in the culture.... Cambodia, southern/western/eastern Africa, Latin America -- all places where a woman like this would be considered attractive and her husband considered to be quite a stud because he could afford to keep her that way.

I know that *I* prefer stocky/thick men, but then again I try to see the best in people, no matter what they look like.

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Roses are #ff0000, violets are #0000ff; all my base are belong to you.

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Sxeptomaniac

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Icon 1 posted January 18, 2006 11:01      Profile for Sxeptomaniac   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm with the prevailing opinions here, and I would also like to echo Rhonwyyn regarding dramatic changes in a diet, and add something.

I've seen my mom struggle with weight loss all my life (she had already tried and failed at low-carb diets before they even became popular). Trying to lose more than approximately 5 pounds in a week is usually unhealthy and increases the odds of failure. My mom has gone with the newer Weight Watchers diet over the last couple of years, and is thinner than I have ever seen her (I'm really proud of her). Major weight loss is a lifelong commitment, not short-term starvation.

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Let's pray that the human race never escapes from Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere. - C. S. Lewis

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zboy
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Icon 1 posted January 18, 2006 11:14      Profile for zboy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Don't feed the trolls.
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drunkennewfiemidget
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Icon 1 posted January 18, 2006 11:54      Profile for drunkennewfiemidget     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
My parents were both pretty hefty. They went on the herbal magic diet. My Mom went from 235lbs (ish) to 135(ish) and my Dad went from 265(ish) to 190(ish).
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