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Author Topic: Highschool Dilemma
nerdwithnofriends
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Icon 1 posted April 26, 2005 21:00      Profile for nerdwithnofriends     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hey guys. I have a problem, and I'm sure all of you people that are old enough to have passed through highschool have had the same one:

There's this girl. We're pretty good friends, I've even taken her to a formal dance. The dance was a blast--just to give you some idea, we went back to her place and ate apple pie until two in the morning.

Her and I have totally different interests: I'm a hardcore science/math/computer geek, whereas she is an artist all the way. She can do anything artsy: sculpture, portrait, paint, sketch, anything at all. She also spends maybe two hours a WEEK on a computer.

To me, she's one of the coolest girls since sliced bread (wow, that made no sense, but I didn't want to say 'things'). I keep trying to hang out with her, but she's always busy--and no, it's not the kind of 'oh, i'd like to hang out with you, but i have to lick stamps for my collection' busy--it's genuine. I just don't know if I should lay out all my feelings (I hate using that word... it makes me feel so... feminine (no offense to anyone; that's just the kind of person I am)) on the table.

I have no fear of being denied. I'm long since past that stage; my real fear lies in the possibility that if she says 'get the hell away from me', it might ruin the relationship we already have.

I suppose I should add that we interact best when it's just us two.. like if I stop by her locker and say hi; she's much less talkative towards me around other people.

Thanks for the help, everybody. I would especially appreciate comments from ladies about this situation.

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"The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top of a mountain or in the petals of a flower." - Robert M. Pirsig

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neotatsu
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Icon 1 posted April 26, 2005 21:11      Profile for neotatsu     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
A very sticky situation, it is...

I've been in a relatively similar one myself, heh. I went for it, and asked her out...

Long story short, we're still just friends [Razz]

It's difficult for anyone who dosn't know both of you to be able to tell you whether it'd work or not to ask her out. I suppose the only real good advice I could give is to say that it'll probably be fine, as long as she knows you're ok with it if she wants to stay friends, and, find a nice safe place somewhere between the typical "jackass askin a girl out" (In HS, that's pretty much what it is most of the time) and "I'm so in love with you and I can't live without you" psycho obsessive... That shouldn't be too hard to do [Razz]

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csk

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Icon 1 posted April 26, 2005 21:13      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Sorry, but I'm not a girl [Frown]

Nevertheless, my intuition says that she realises you are sensitive and is trying to hint uninterest without hurting you. The acting differently towards you when around her friends is the key, I think.

However, there's only one way to know for sure, and that's to communicate with her. Make long range plans to hang out with her, that way she's not going to be double booked. Then you'll have an idea of whether she's making excuses or just really busy.

Or alternately, tell her something like "I think you're really cool, and I'd like to spend some more time with you to get to know you better. But you've been too busy lately to do that. How would you feel about arranging to catch up sometime when you are free?"

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6 weeks to go!

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The Famous Druid

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Icon 1 posted April 26, 2005 21:29      Profile for The Famous Druid     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by csk:
Sorry, but I'm not a girl [Frown]

How long have you had these feelings of regret?

You know, there are surgical techniques to help people like you these days .....

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If you watch 'The History Of NASA' backwards, it's about a space agency that has no manned spaceflight capability, then does low-orbit flights, then lands on the Moon.

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csk

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Icon 1 posted April 26, 2005 21:42      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by The Famous Druid:
quote:
Originally posted by csk:
Sorry, but I'm not a girl [Frown]

How long have you had these feelings of regret?

You know, there are surgical techniques to help people like you these days .....

Hehe.

I wonder how it works when people with children have sex changes. I can imagine them introducing their parents to someone "Hi, this is my Mum and Da... other Mum".

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6 weeks to go!

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magefile
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Icon 1 posted April 26, 2005 22:13      Profile for magefile     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Nerd: sounds like you have more guts than most guys at that age, myself included. Maybe try to get some more explicitly (shaddap, Cap'n Vic!) "romantic" or "datelike" dates? Dinner + movie, that kinda thing, and you can see how she responds to that. Make it open-ended - next time you ask her, if she says she's busy, tell her you'd like to catch a movie sometime when she's not.

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Let them be stupid - the market will sort it out.

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drunkennewfiemidget
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Icon 1 posted April 27, 2005 05:34      Profile for drunkennewfiemidget     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
A) If she ditches your friendship because you tell her about your feelings, she's worthless.
B) The fact that she treats you differently in public from when she's in private with you would suggest she's not the person you think she is, or she's just genuinely uninterested, and doesn't have the heart to tell you. (Sounds like one of the cool kids who won't talk to the loser at school for fear of being seen, but is best friends with them at home..)
C) Totally different interests are what worked best for me: I'm a computer geek, she's a poetry/literature/art/music geek. I've never been happier.
D) If I'm wrong about A) and B) -- and I sincerely hope I am -- then get some balls and tell her like it is.

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Alephcat
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Icon 1 posted April 27, 2005 05:51      Profile for Alephcat   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by magefile:
explicitly (shaddap, Cap'n Vic!)

hur hur, you said Cap'n Vic! [Wink] [Big Grin]

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"You have the right to search in silence. If you give up the right to search in silence, anything you say can and will be modded down in a court of public opinion."

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Relativistic
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Icon 1 posted April 27, 2005 07:30      Profile for Relativistic     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by drunkennewfiemidget:
[QB]B) The fact that she treats you differently in public from when she's in private with you would suggest she's not the person you think she is, or she's just genuinely uninterested, and doesn't have the heart to tell you. (Sounds like one of the cool kids who won't talk to the loser at school for fear of being seen, but is best friends with them at home..)QB]

Look, you're in high school and both of you need some more experience dealing with such things. We all know that high school is hell. That best friend of mine I wrote about in "The Big Dilemma" (only spelled wrong) was the same way in high school. And I struggled some, though later, with a similar question. "Should I tell her how I feel?" Truth is, she probably knows a lot better than you think. Maybe she's scared to reciprocate. It could be any number of things. What I learned after some painful trying-to-figure-it-all-out, was that it didn't matter if she told me. It didn't matter that I told her. The fact she spent time with me and talked to me the way she did told me how she felt. I could look in her eyes and it was readily apparent that she cared about me. Relationship or friendship or whatever, I'm sure you're of a similar opinion: the title doesn't matter. You have what's between the two of you, and trying to qualify it won't do it justice.

In light of my learned experience there, just be grateful for the time you spend with her rather than worrying about taking it to some next level. You probably have something with her that nobody else has... so what are you looking for? Maybe you ought to tell her, "I'm sure you could already tell, but I really like you. I hope it's not going to be too much of a problem if I express that now and again." And it could be a kiss on the cheek or a tender hug or whatever, but there are so many things that are right in front of you that can't be expressed with words: how she feels about you is right there to be seen.

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There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.

Posts: 20 | From: Variable | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged
GameMaster
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Icon 1 posted April 27, 2005 07:47      Profile for GameMaster   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Carpe Geekium.

If you don't act, you'll never know. If you loose the friendship over it, than you were never as close friends as you thought. The only real worry is that if you do get together and things don't work out, being friends can be hard. Add in mutal friends who end up caught in the middle and it can get messy. My personal take is, the aspect of failure is mild to never knowing. You can only come out ahead, when you express your feelings, openly and truthfully.

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My Site

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maia
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Icon 1 posted April 27, 2005 10:21      Profile for maia     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I really hope things work out for you. If she is a good friend, she won't hold your feelings against you even if she doesn't have the same feelings for you. I can't predict how she will act because I don't know either of you, but I always think that honesty is the best way to go. If you tell her your feelings and she reciprocates, then awesome. If she doesn't feel the same or seems uncomfortable with the whole thing, then just let her know that you wanted to be honest so that you didn't have any regrets, and that you still care about her and want to be her friend. You could tell her that you had worried about losing her friendship after telling her your feelings and ask her what you could do to help maintain the friendship. Chicks dig guys that can talk about this crap. What I hate is when a guy gets all weirded out after something like this, and never wants to talk about it, or just dissappears altogether.

I remember when a good friend of mine randomly kissed me one time when I dropped him off at work. I was really shocked. Then he told me that he wanted to date me. I told him I wasn't interested. He even called me a few times to try to convince me that we should go out. I still said no. He wasn't really a creep about it, and it was obvious that he really cared, but I just wanted to stay friends. After that, we kind of laughed about it. We still stayed friends, and nothing was weird. It was flattering.

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Nothing is too petty to be thoroughly discussed.

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Mel
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Icon 1 posted April 27, 2005 10:38      Profile for Mel     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I've found it works best in a relationship to be friends first before you date. That way you get to really know the person first. Sucks to get into a relationship and then have to break up when you find out what they're like. Ask her out as a friend and make that clear, so that way she won't be freaked out, and she won't have to worry about you making moves on her. You can try a double date too to see how she is with other people if you need to, since she seems to be shy around others. Might help you find out why. After a few friendly interactions/dates you can see if you still want to ask her out, or see if she's interested in more with you. You don't have to worry about her saying that she doesn't want to ruin the friendship. Everyone knows that's BS. It just means you're not her type, and that's not a big deal. At least you've made a good friend!
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Zim'et
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Icon 1 posted April 30, 2005 11:30      Profile for Zim'et         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
The best thing to do, even though it's the scariest, is to just tell her. If you wait around for her to make some sort of move she'll just start dating someone else and you'll be upset and alone. You need to have a sit down heart to heart. If you do it in a personal way she'll know that you really care about her and if you can't date she will most likely still respect your friendship.

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3 2 1... Let's Jam

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Mel
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Icon 1 posted April 30, 2005 12:45      Profile for Mel     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, if she's busy, then the chances of her dating other guys would be slim, right?
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Relativistic
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Icon 1 posted April 30, 2005 16:45      Profile for Relativistic     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Zim'et:
The best thing to do, even though it's the scariest, is to just tell her. If you wait around for her to make some sort of move she'll just start dating someone else and you'll be upset and alone. You need to have a sit down heart to heart. If you do it in a personal way she'll know that you really care about her and if you can't date she will most likely still respect your friendship.

The problem with advice like this from girls is that, while they're entirely sincere, they don't actually mean it. At least not in the way guys think they do. Every girl says she wants a nice guy... there isn't a girl alive who wants a "nice" guy. Guys who spill their feelings, act needy, shower girls with gifts when they just met, always defer to the woman instead of making decisions, and just generally suck up WILL LOSE ALL ATTRACTION POINTS. This doesn't mean you need to be a jerk (although, sadly, this is the reason jerks get the girls). It just means you need to be confident and not be worried about what she thinks of you.

When Zim says to have a heart to heart and personal chat, be careful, it's a huge trap. Yes, you DO need to have a personal chat, but if you act like you have no control over yourself and start spouting, "I need you, I want you, oh baby, oh baby," or start fumbling over yourself, it's not going to help either of you at all. My point is: don't be a timid wuss about it! Hand over your self control to her, and she'll never respect you for it. If you do, and you're lucky, she might hand it back to you and will still be a good friend.

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There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.

Posts: 20 | From: Variable | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged
neotatsu
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Icon 14 posted April 30, 2005 17:03      Profile for neotatsu     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm beginning to like this Relativistic chap more and more... Here here, and, Magnificent Valor! [thumbsup]

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I'm curious... About what, you ask? EVERYTHING!

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csk

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Icon 1 posted April 30, 2005 18:33      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Relativistic, that's an excellent summmary. Why didn't you post that about 7 or 8 years ago, when I really needed it [Wink]

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6 weeks to go!

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Relativistic
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Icon 1 posted April 30, 2005 20:46      Profile for Relativistic     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by csk:
Relativistic, that's an excellent summmary. Why didn't you post that about 7 or 8 years ago, when I really needed it [Wink]

Because I didn't get it right until 4 years ago, and I didn't realize what I had done right until 2 years later. After that, though, dating was great. [Smile]

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There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.

Posts: 20 | From: Variable | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged
maia
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Icon 1 posted April 30, 2005 21:26      Profile for maia     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
The need for maintaining one's dignity is not unique to males. As far as I know, there aren't too many people who are turned on by someone being needy and clingy, male or female. Nothing good will ever come from handing control of your emotions over to someone else. As in all things, there is a balance here. Some degree of vulnerability is inevitable and needed, but avoid dependence.

And, yes, a few of us do like nice guys. Being a nice guy doesn't mean that you have to lack confidence. Some guys can be quite secure with themselves and express their feelings without being bumbling idiots.

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Nothing is too petty to be thoroughly discussed.

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Relativistic
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Icon 1 posted April 30, 2005 23:25      Profile for Relativistic     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
You're exactly right, Maia.

The problem is that there's a serious disconnect between what women are trying to communicate when they say they like nice men and what men are hearing when they hear "nice men." Because the "creepy" guys (read: needy geeks) think to themselves, "I'm a nice guy, but all these girls want to be 'just friends' with me. They say they want nice guys, but then they go for jerks." They really are nice guys, and they do considerate things, but I'd never have to work again if I had a dollar for every time I did something nice for a woman I liked and she liked me less for it.

Here's the thing: women don't want nice guys. They don't not want them either. Nice really has nothing to do with how a woman responds to a man. What women want is men who make them feel great about themselves. So, men, how would you talk if you believed you could make any woman feel like she was absolutely wonderful? How would you walk? Would you dart your eyes away whenever they made eye contact? Would you avoid talking to them or be afraid of them? Ooh, here's a good one: would you tolerate flaky and immature behavior from them when you knew they could do better?

Men spend to much time thinking about how to submit themselves to women for approval. As if they're the selectors and we're the selectees. We pretty much take our nutsacks and hand them over on a platter and ask, "Am I good enough?" Why should she decide? Do we think she would somehow know better than we do whether we're good enough? All she hears is, "I might be broken goods, but I hope you'll tell me otherwise." No, we want to be telling them, "I'm squared away and can show you a good time. If you want to spend some time with me, great. If not, I'll have fun anyway." Seek to choose, not to be chosen. [Smile]

And it isn't unique to males, you're right. A sure-fire way for a woman to drive away an attractive man is for her to be clingy, jealous, needing constant reassurance, etc.

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There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.

Posts: 20 | From: Variable | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged
Mel
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Icon 1 posted May 01, 2005 13:25      Profile for Mel     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Relativistic:


Men spend to much time thinking about how to submit themselves to women for approval. As if they're the selectors and we're the selectees. We pretty much take our nutsacks and hand them over on a platter and ask, "Am I good enough?" Why should she decide? Do we think she would somehow know better than we do whether we're good enough?

You don't think women do that too? Women spend so much time putting on makeup and finding nice clothes to wear to be attractive in the meat market of life. Everybody seems to put on an act when searching for a mate. It's a big game both ways. Women just act like they're the selectors because men let us. But really, women are the prey. We're the seducing meal that you have to catch, but how you catch it is up to you. Don't worry, women will just act like the boss until you put them in their place...LOL
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The Famous Druid

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Icon 1 posted May 01, 2005 13:51      Profile for The Famous Druid     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Mel:
women will just act like the boss until you put them in their place...

And how does one do that ?????

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If you watch 'The History Of NASA' backwards, it's about a space agency that has no manned spaceflight capability, then does low-orbit flights, then lands on the Moon.

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maia
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Icon 1 posted May 01, 2005 13:54      Profile for maia     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by The Famous Druid:
quote:
Originally posted by Mel:
women will just act like the boss until you put them in their place...

And how does one do that ?????
VERY carefully and wearing protective clothing. [Big Grin]

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Nothing is too petty to be thoroughly discussed.

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Mel
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Icon 1 posted May 01, 2005 22:50      Profile for Mel     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Just handcuff her to the oven. She'll get the idea [Smile]
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csk

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Icon 1 posted May 01, 2005 22:59      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Mel:
Just handcuff her to the oven. She'll get the idea [Smile]

With comments like that, you'll bring Zorro out of hiding, if you're not careful [Wink]

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6 weeks to go!

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