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Author Topic: WHAT DO I SAY TO THAT!?
Zim'et
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Icon 1 posted March 03, 2005 17:33      Profile for Zim'et         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Okay, so I was just getting coffee with my new boyfriend and my friend. My boyfriend and I have been dating for two weeks now, so it's a REALLY new relationship. We get along great and everything so it's all good but during coffee I made a reference to Cowboy Bebop or a comic book or something and he smiled at me and said "I love you so much". WHAT DO I SAY TO THAT!? I just smiled and went on with the conversation, but if that happens again when there isn't another person around what do I do? I don't want him to think I'm not crazy about him, but I definitely DO NOT love him. Suggestions, please!

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Xanthine

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Icon 1 posted March 03, 2005 17:54      Profile for Xanthine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, I suppose you could just say "I'm crazy about you too," but in all honesty, I have no idea how to handle one of those awkward situations. I get jittery when someone says that to me too.

What's really scary is when he says "I need you." Or maybe I just find it scary because I had a very bad experience with someone wo used that phrase a lot...sometimes in an accusatory way ("I need you but you don't need me, therefore you don't really love me.").

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And it's one, two, three / On the wrong side of the lee / What were you meant for? / What were you meant for?
- The Decemberists

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csk

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Icon 1 posted March 03, 2005 18:35      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Zim'et:
Okay, so I was just getting coffee with my new boyfriend and my friend. My boyfriend and I have been dating for two weeks now, so it's a REALLY new relationship. We get along great and everything so it's all good but during coffee I made a reference to Cowboy Bebop or a comic book or something and he smiled at me and said "I love you so much". WHAT DO I SAY TO THAT!? I just smiled and went on with the conversation, but if that happens again when there isn't another person around what do I do? I don't want him to think I'm not crazy about him, but I definitely DO NOT love him. Suggestions, please!

OK, one of two approaches (or use both, if you want). Firstly, ask him for clarification of what he means when he says it. It might be guy speak for "Wow, it's so cool to have met a girl who likes the same sort of stuff I do". Or it could be that he really loves you in the way you think he means it. To be honest, from the context, I think it's more likely to be the former.

Now, if it's "twoo wove", to quote TPB, then being honest yet gentle is probably the way to go. "That's cool that you feel that way, and I'm really enjoying the time we're spending together and will spend together, but it's too soon for me to make that sort of emotional call yet". Why does "I love you" automatically have to be followed by "I love you too", anyway.

Or, geeky option. He says "I love you", you say "I know". If he's watched a certain DVD commentary this will be sure to deflect attention away from the core issues [Wink]

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6 weeks to go!

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TMBWITW,PB

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Icon 1 posted March 03, 2005 18:56      Profile for TMBWITW,PB     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
"I know" is a good response. One person I know when she wasn't ready to say "I love you too" would say to him, "I love me too."

What I did when I was dating Josh is I picked a time when I felt particularly affectionate (standing in line at Subway, if you can believe that) and gave him a hug, looked in his eyes and said, "You know what? I really like you."

Say what you feel, and don't be pressured into saying it before you're ready. He might be feeling kind of vulnerable right now, since he didn't get the response he might have been expecting, so telling him that you enjoy spending time with him will probably make him feel better. (And even better, it's true!)

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"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye."
óMiss Piggy

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Cap'n Vic

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Icon 1 posted March 03, 2005 19:18      Profile for Cap'n Vic     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
In your bfs defense. I seriously doubt he just blurted it out......this is something he has thought about for sometime (in relation to such a short relationship) He has been wanting to say it for a while and was looking for an opening.

The fact that you didn't acknowledge probably hurt him deeply [Frown] . Having been in his shoes before, I bet he steps back from that statement and waits for you to say something....he way even act uninterested.

You're both in a tough spot and a crossroads in the relationship. I hope it all works out.

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(!) (T) = 8-D

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jordanv
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Icon 1 posted March 03, 2005 20:43      Profile for jordanv     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
If he says it again and you don't know what to do, hug him. The warm fuzziness he feels will let him forget about it until he realised you didn't respond. It will also give you more time to think about it.
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garlicguy

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Icon 1 posted March 03, 2005 21:17      Profile for garlicguy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
How about smiling and saying, "And who could blame you? I'm adorable."

Then just go about your business as though nothing unusual had happened.

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I don't know what I was thinking... it seemed like a good idea at the time.

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dragonman97

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Icon 1 posted March 03, 2005 21:57      Profile for dragonman97   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I agree with the Cap'n. It's usually no small feat for a guy to use those words unless he really means it (or wants to sleep with her). Assuming the real thing, it's non-trivial. This is why guys often do exactly what's being said in this thread, and respond to such phrases being thrown at them with other words. Generally, I think the other person needs to be sure they've found that love before they acknowledge it, but it can leave the "ILY" person hanging - bleh.

I can't believe I was writing this up until that last sentence, switched to another tab, and did nearly an hour's research on completely random stuff. Whoops...and now I'm too tired to complete this coherently...doh! I did find this, which I read ages ago off a /. comment, and wanted to show someone.

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There are three things you can be sure of in life: Death, taxes, and reading about fake illnesses online...

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spungo
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Icon 1 posted March 04, 2005 02:55      Profile for spungo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
No, you're all wrong. The correct response is " - then buy me a car, you deadbeat!"

Why don't you just use the situation to your financial advantage? That's what I'd do. (Damn - I never thought I'd ever have to explain that to a chick! ) [Wink]

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drunkennewfiemidget
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Icon 1 posted March 04, 2005 06:35      Profile for drunkennewfiemidget     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I've personally never said it first for fear of the person not saying it back.

I have had it said to me when I didn't feel it, and I used one of the lines above, "I love me too!" -- maybe mean, though.

Judging by the sound of it, I'd have to go against what the Cap'n is saying and suggest that maybe it's just a phrase he tossed out with the excitement of realising he's with a girl that likes the same stuff he does (because it is seemingly rare).

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Grey_girl

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Icon 1 posted March 04, 2005 07:24      Profile for Grey_girl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
As DNM suggested, could it have been totally innocent and not an indication of deep, scary at this point feelings? I've said "Sometimes, I really love you!" to a few male friends, but I meant it sort of in jest, after they've said something rather off the wall or amusing. Granted, I do love them, but the comment is not meant that way. Maybe your boyfriend made the comment in the same manner, because of the Cowboy Bebop reference?

However, if he says it when no one else is around and very much in a sentimental fashion, I would tell him gently and respectfully that while you are crazy about him and want the relationship to continue (if you do feel those things), it is soon to be having such strong sentiments.

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Demosthenes
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Icon 1 posted March 04, 2005 12:57      Profile for Demosthenes     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Grey_girl:
As DNM suggested, could it have been totally innocent and not an indication of deep, scary at this point feelings? I've said "Sometimes, I really love you!" to a few male friends, but I meant it sort of in jest, after they've said something rather off the wall or amusing. Granted, I do love them, but the comment is not meant that way. Maybe your boyfriend made the comment in the same manner, because of the Cowboy Bebop reference?

However, if he says it when no one else is around and very much in a sentimental fashion, I would tell him gently and respectfully that while you are crazy about him and want the relationship to continue (if you do feel those things), it is soon to be having such strong sentiments.

First sensible reply yet.

Don't fuck around with this kid's feelings; it's a great way to leave him hurt when it may have taken a lot of courage for him to say that. Explain to him how you feel about it, straight-up, and if it makes you uncomfortable...ask him not to repeat it until you're both comfortable saying it.

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Serenak

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Icon 1 posted March 04, 2005 15:41      Profile for Serenak     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm with Shroom and Dem on this,

It may have been a "wow this is great" kind of comment but to be honest I'd consider it unlikely...

Tread lightly but at the same time you have to be true to yourself. Take your time and treat it carefully but you probably do need to address it. Love can grow slowly over time or strike you down like lightning. Unfortunately if you have never known "real" love infatuation is easily mistaken for it (to be truthful they both start off much the same and one can be hard to tell from the other in the early stages....) Old fart speaking... OK

Don't blow what could be a beautiful relationship (friends or lovers) by ignoring what you and he are going through... It is an important point in your life, and whatever happens will shape the way you view life and handle relationships in the future for good or ill, (Ooh err, that sounds really "heavy") - don't panic, like so mahy things it is a natural part of life and I think you'll deal with it OK...

You can take what I say or cast it aside as is your right, it's your life, not mine...

But like all old farts I want to *try* and help you sidestep the stupid mistakes I've made - that may be impossible, the impetuousness and self righteousness of youth may prevent it..

Then again we've never had a worldwide 'age neutral' forum like the interweb in the history of humankind before - where older people can offer advice to younger people effectively anonymously without prejudice of prior knowledge or "social ties"

Sorry, I think i may be rambling a bit here but I hope that you can get what I *really* am trying to get at...

Go do whatever seems *right* for you - just remember the guy has feelings too (not that I think you don't...)

The box says "Shut up Serenak!" (Stupid UK TV ad reference - apply within for details)

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"So if you want my address - it's No. 1 at the end of the bar, where I sit with the broken angels, clutching at straws and nursing my scars..."

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csk

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Icon 1 posted March 04, 2005 16:04      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Demosthenes:
First sensible reply yet.

Hey, I said sort of the same thing in my second paragraph. But on reflection, yes, honesty is probably the best policy here.

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6 weeks to go!

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Zim'et
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Icon 1 posted March 04, 2005 19:01      Profile for Zim'et         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, I just saw him tonight and related my feelings towards him in analogy while we snuggled in a big cushy chair at the mall. Here's my story: "It's like when you're doing a jigsaw puzzle and you keep searching for that one piece that pulls the whole picture together, and you try to put a bunch of pieces in that spot. You try to force them and they won't go and they bend and cut you with their edges, so eventually you just stop looking. Then, one day, you walk past the table and you see the piece, sitting there like it was there the whole time." That was my story and he took it as a sign of my affection and that was that. So, things are okay.

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3 2 1... Let's Jam

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SupportGoddess

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Icon 1 posted March 04, 2005 20:09      Profile for SupportGoddess   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by spungo:
No, you're all wrong. The correct response is " - then buy me a car, you deadbeat!"

Why don't you just use the situation to your financial advantage? That's what I'd do. (Damn - I never thought I'd ever have to explain that to a chick! ) [Wink]

My mom's friend gave this advice to my baby sister (who is 16): "You're sitting on a goldmine. Don't give it away for free."

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"A heretic is a man who sees with his own eyes."
-Gotthold Ephraim Lessing

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csk

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Icon 1 posted March 04, 2005 20:12      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by SupportGoddess:
My mom's friend gave this advice to my baby sister (who is 16): "You're sitting on a goldmine. Don't give it away for free."

Wow. Just, wow.

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6 weeks to go!

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magefile
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Icon 1 posted March 04, 2005 20:49      Profile for magefile     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
That could be taken so many ways ...

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Let them be stupid - the market will sort it out.

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ewomack
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Icon 1 posted March 04, 2005 22:10      Profile for ewomack   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yeah... what's the exchange rate on a good pelvic region?!?! [Confused]

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Ed Womack
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californiarockr
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Icon 1 posted March 05, 2005 09:55      Profile for californiarockr     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
three weeks into my current relationship, I let it fly. I didnt mean to, it just kinda fell out of my mouth. My gf looked up at me, smiled, and said "awe you are too sweet". I wasnt sure if I actually felt it at the time, but if not I was damn close, and I was a little upset that she didnt say it back, but I totally understood that it was too soon. I didnt say it again for awhile, and that worked out fine. I dont think she could have said anything better, she made me feel good whilst avoiding "the word".

So basically just say something sweet, and he will be fine. he wont like it as much as the L word, but he will live

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lol

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garlicguy

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Icon 1 posted March 05, 2005 18:15      Profile for garlicguy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by ewomack:
Yeah... what's the exchange rate on a good pelvic region?!?! [Confused]

Define: "good", so we can narrow down the price range a bit. I believe spungo has the current Bartholomew's Blue Book of Bottoms right there at his fingertips.

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I don't know what I was thinking... it seemed like a good idea at the time.

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wolverine
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Icon 7 posted September 09, 2005 14:20      Profile for wolverine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm really bumping this.. but in the Empire Strikes Back, Han Solo replies 'I know..' to the same question. Just thought you'd like to know that. [Applause]
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Footsie
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Icon 1 posted September 09, 2005 14:39      Profile for Footsie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
be your self and try to take it slow very slow.Ive been with my bloke 6 and a half years then in july this year we got married .And boy i love my husband to bits we have two lovley girls . So there will be the perfect man out there for you so take it easy

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Here today... Gone tomorrow?

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v01d
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Icon 1 posted September 29, 2005 23:55      Profile for v01d     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by garlicguy:
quote:
Originally posted by ewomack:
Yeah... what's the exchange rate on a good pelvic region?!?! [Confused]

Define: "good", so we can narrow down the price range a bit. I believe spungo has the current Bartholomew's Blue Book of Bottoms right there at his fingertips.
she should've compared it to car market instead,
the thing with gold is --- there's no wear'n'tear, it will still be gold 100 years from now.
As for the Blue Book, does it rate 'em new or used?

/ducks [evil]

(as for original poster's woes: girl, I wonder if you'd still care about this stuff when you're 30...)

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There're running jobs. Why don't you go chase them?

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serishema
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Icon 1 posted October 15, 2005 21:24      Profile for serishema     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Run.
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