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Author Topic: no job = no love !?
nemesis
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Icon 1 posted March 10, 2004 18:48      Profile for nemesis     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
It's been two month and half since I graduated from college, but I haven't found a so call 'J O B' that will bring me some cash. A little depressed on that [Frown] I talked to the guy I'm interested in right before we left school and he wanted to stay in touch to see how things go between us. He moved back home and I moved to the city afterwards. I've tried hard searching a job every day. But he lives at home (a small town) and doesn't seem to have any life goal yet. I suggested him come to the city and look for a job but it didn't seem to me he's wanting to do that. I've written to him a lot but he seldom replies. Friends have told me that they don't think they'd be enthusiastic about relationships if they're in his situation now. I don't know, those words came from girls of my age. What'd you guys or experienced persons think? I know I can't help him in finding his future but I surely want to be supportive. I like him because of who he is, not because he's rich, cute, or got a awesome career (although he's got none of what I just mentioned except the cute part). I miss him and feel like calling him or driving 4 hours to visit him, but somehow I feel I'd do that when I have a more stable life. Maybe he feels the same way, well, he doesn't say a word and that's a problem. I Just "feel all thin, sorta streched, like butter that has been scraped over too much bread. That can't be right. I need a change, or something." *SIGH*
Posts: 33 | From: Santa Monica, CA USA | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
Dr Cyclops
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Icon 1 posted March 10, 2004 21:53      Profile for Dr Cyclops   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
My guess (just a guess) is that he's just a little *embarrased* about the situation.

Just a guess. [Confused]

--------------------
When the W'rkncacnter came, Pthia was killed, and Yrro in anger, flung the W'rkncacnter into the sun. The sun burned them, but they swam on its surface.

Posts: 499 | From: Upon the slab, Unbroken. | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged
defiant
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Icon 3 posted March 13, 2004 19:07      Profile for defiant     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'd say that it's a faulty communications unit. Happens a lot with humans, unfortunately. [ohwell]
Posts: 190 | From: Switzerland | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged
eDJ
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Member # 1950

Icon 1 posted March 27, 2004 10:05      Profile for eDJ     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hmmmmm guy/experienced person......

I'm guessing that both of you are in your mid twenties by now.(?) You could wring your hands
and carry a torch quite a while with this situation. There are many variables and possible explanations in this setting.

Has he even written back to you once?

If he hasn't, there could be a possibility he isn't getting the mail you send. Perhaps someone
doesn't want him with a love interest now, but would rather see him with a job and a good career start and meeting the goals that they(who educated him) have set for him. This may sound harsh, and I don't mean it to, but parents still see their just out of college kids as chidren more often than not. Age mates from very early years see each other as adults and will place the same value on each others word as they would the words of adults or parents. Never underestimate the mother of the guy.(and what she will do to protect and serve what she feels is in the best interest of her "son" and conversely the father of the "daughter")

If he has written back to you...

It may be he is in the same position as you although a more comfortable one. Perhaps he is working a less than attractive job now with substandard wages. For guys it is generally held that they need to have a steady job before becoming involved with a woman. It is like status and the lack of it excludes one from considering things that they would normally have been willing to do when back in school. For many that was funded with "daddy's money". Once out of school everyone is in the same world with each other again.

Remember Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

Safety...most of us have this as a given
Hygiene...food shelter clothing
Love.....affection concern support sex etc
Ego......secure within yourself
Self Actualization...to become all you can be

In Maslow's model you cannot skip steps and this is what confounds so many teens and twenties people. Parents want the boys to skip the love need with a girlfriend and go on to ego and self actualization first and then come back for love.(implying that the parents/family love will serve until they are ready to see the "son" with a love interest......and that can be the biggest variable) I'm sure you know..and it almost goes without saying...the guys hormones are raging
as "he" is at his sexual peak at around 18...where "she" will find this happening to
herself after 38 usually.

These are only a couple directions to look for the "Why" question. They may not be the answers at all, but to a lot of situations like your's
they are quite often the case.

I think it is part of the reason that the young women find their best matches with guys a few years older...and who have had the time to establish. Still it doesn't imply he is father
material at this point. Consider the divorce ratio
to marriages, and growing population of single mothers. His mom has had time to witness this
and would probably prefer to have her son at home now..single and getting started...than have him home in a few years with child support payments.

Again, in your situation this could be way off. I know a case where I live of a 50+ year old man who is a Dentist. He still lives with his widowed mom who serves as his receptionist.(and wouldn't dream of letting him hire someone to do that job) This is when the apron strings of junior's youth morph into moms tenacles.

Good luck and I hope what I'm saying isn't true in your case....for both of your sakes.

eDJ

Posts: 131 | From: Ohio | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged
Dr Cyclops
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Icon 1 posted March 27, 2004 17:18      Profile for Dr Cyclops   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
This depresses me out because I'm not the kind who has a "real job".

Oh well, my vows of cellabacy (a warrior pledge I made to Guan Gong, one of the Taoist immortals) are in effect until July anyway...

--------------------
When the W'rkncacnter came, Pthia was killed, and Yrro in anger, flung the W'rkncacnter into the sun. The sun burned them, but they swam on its surface.

Posts: 499 | From: Upon the slab, Unbroken. | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged
Slurpy
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Icon 1 posted March 27, 2004 18:06      Profile for Slurpy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I thought a woman hit her sexual peak at 30. . .

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I must first reveal my personal bias in this discussion, since I worship at the 'First Church of PDF Really Sucks.'
-Bruce Tognazzini
http://thegeekgroup.org
Geek ID# 1162

Posts: 692 | From: Cincinnati, OH | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged
SupportGoddess

Solid Nitrozanium SuperFan!
Member # 822

Icon 1 posted March 27, 2004 18:51      Profile for SupportGoddess   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by eDJ:
...
Safety...most of us have this as a given
Hygiene...food shelter clothing
Love.....affection concern support sex etc
Ego......secure within yourself
Self Actualization...to become all you can be

...Parents want the boys to skip the love need with a girlfriend and go on to ego and self actualization first and then come back for love.

On the other hand, maybe the guy in question feels that he can not be secure in things like food and shelter unless he has a decent job. Even if these needs are currently being met by living with his parents or a similarly necessary but unsatisfactory situation, he may not feel stable enough to persue a relationship.

In an ideal world, basic needs like food and shelter are covered by the salary from doing something you love, self-actualizing, if you will. I don't think that is the case for most people.

--------------------
"A heretic is a man who sees with his own eyes."
-Gotthold Ephraim Lessing

Posts: 1148 | From: The Digital Temple | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
eDJ
Geek
Member # 1950

Icon 3 posted March 27, 2004 23:50      Profile for eDJ     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yes SupportGoddess it could derive wholly from his feelings and perceptions too. It is why I wondered if he had offered her some insights as
to what is going on in his life now.

nemisis mentions that he seldom replies which leads me to wonder how she defines seldom. Also
that he says very little when he writes. So he has
acknowledged her letters with almost nothing.
(so it is like he has written and he hasn't)

It isn't a nice position for nemisis to be in. I would hope she can develope a social life nearer her realm and build from there. This is suffering from the misery of uncertainty now and it isn't productive for her. I bet there are lots of nice guys nearer to her to consider, if she's willing to.

Whatever her friends situation is living at home..
it probably has some baggage in tow with it. One persons guess here is as likely as the others.

I feel for nemisis plight as she does know this guy from school. It is tough meeting new people in new places, but it is a skill which I think nemisis can sense the value of now.

eDJ

Ps. Slurpy...I'm just guessing here, but if there were mainly 18/20 year old men 35/45 year old woman couples....the earth might just enter a whole new orbit. [blush]

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I don't give a shit...I don't take any shit. I'm not in the shit business.

Posts: 131 | From: Ohio | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged
nemesis
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Icon 2 posted March 30, 2004 23:26      Profile for nemesis     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I haven't been back to this forum in a while. I was just reading eDJ's response and there's definitely a lot of analyses involved. It's been three months since the last time I saw him. He wrote me emails twice, both didn't say much and no more than 100 words. He just said he's home and doesn't do anything, maybe complained about life being sucky. I thought about giving up, but I didn't want to because he did keep his promise contacting me. He already told me he'd do his best in replying me and asking me not to be mad if I don't hear from him in a while. It's struggling. And yes, there are guys asking me out, but I don't want to go out with them. Somehow I don't like blind dates. It usually takes me a long time before I can tell if I like a guy. I've konwn this guy for a long time. When I know my feelings for him, I don't want to let go. I know he's a passive guy. It seems he doesn't think he knows me well enough. He wants to use emails to keep in touch first. Sometimes, I really want to break the rule to call him or visit him.
Posts: 33 | From: Santa Monica, CA USA | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
eDJ
Geek
Member # 1950

Icon 12 posted March 31, 2004 13:43      Profile for eDJ     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
As I said, I feel for both of you for a number of reasons. Some people graduate from school when the economy is booming, employers can't find people to hire, their parents world is also in good shape(resulting from positive political & economic climate...where Dad and Mom aren't worried about their jobs, retirement plan, health insurance etc etc) and they can find good starting jobs and take to life like a duck to water. When that's in the toilet....ain't nobody happy.

An old salesman I once knew had even trained salesmen(and women) where he always threw in these little ditties. One I rememeber was when he cautioned about dealing with those in a negative frame of mind due to their circumstances. LSMFT he said..low self esteem means friction and tension. When things aren't going so good for guys they generaly tend to retreat into themselves until their circumstances change. It was one of the premises in that book "Men are from Mars...".

It kind of goes back to that step between Hygiene and Love in the Maslow thing.(for the guys it is a "shut up and get to work and make things get better so you can get to the next step") This may be where your guy is now. It is a position guys find themselves in commonly after graduation and
having to get on their feet and find their way. Most of the time the girls that they graduate with find a guy in more fortunate circumstances or one a few years older who has had a chance to amass his struggle into a secure position.

I'm sure you will find yourself being urged by the women you know to consider some other alternatives. This is the drama that many of us go thru when in teen years or even later. Only you will be able to look back a few years from now and resolve whether it was the right move or not to wait and see. Everyone has 20/20 hindsight. This has been the subject of many books, movies and plays.

I wish this guy wasn't living at home now, for your sake. He is not with people his own age like at school, older adults, but with "parents"
who will relate to him as their emerging adult child. There is good chance he will discuss his life with them as a sounding board and advise with a bias towards their agenda for him. This may be the reason he tells you how things suck.

Further...his folks may feel that they can chaperone him from living on plastic(credit card debt), getting into a mess(a failed marriage), generating a child(that he will be responsible to
support...when they realize he can't support himself) by just keeping him at home while trying to connect him to better situation. I could be wrong....but put yourself in his or even your parents' shoes and look at all this.

After a while of this you may feel you are beating your head against a rubber wall....I have
at times. I wouldn't go calling on St. Jude just yet(he was the patron saint of lost causes...back when they had jobs..lol) but I would certainly appraise myself of the percentage of a chance that I think this has of ever going anywhere...and setting a realistic target date to
abandon the effort. You have to do somethings in life for you. I certainly admire you for trying to hold to your promise and I would guess others here do as well. But ask yourself if these circumstances are anything you have the power to
change or just resign yourself to? It leaves you faced with what is called an "opportunity cost".
It will cost you something to either pursue it or
forfeit it. Only you can evaluate the cost of either choice.

Best wishes, hope things work out

eDJ

--------------------
I don't give a shit...I don't take any shit. I'm not in the shit business.

Posts: 131 | From: Ohio | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged


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