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Author Topic: families...
snupy
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 1211

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Icon 1 posted June 08, 2003 08:23      Profile for snupy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I was at a family wedding last night and sitting at a table with 2 of my brothers, a girl who's known me since I was 10, and an old family friend of my brother's (a gentleman in his 50's.)

The family friend made an off-colour comment, and for some reason, I came out with, "Hey..watch it-if I have to behave, so do you." My brother's were astonished and quite curious as to what I meant. You see, I'm VERY different with my family than I am with just about everyone else. No off-colour remarks, jokes, etc. Having 4 older brothers who see me as their "little sister" has caused me to be quite controlled around them, I guess. They were quite bothered by the fact that I didn't feel I could be myself, but you people KNOW me-I mean, really-could I EVER???


My question is-aren't most of you different people around your families than you are around friends, coworkers, etc? Don't we all have different sides that we allow different people to see? And is there anything wrong with that? Isn't it a necessity sometimes?


Just curious...

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"I just ordered an extra-long straw to avoid accidentally doing a sit-up"-Jay, Modern Family

Posts: 4269 | From: UK, via Chicago | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
Colonel Panic
BlabberMouth, the Next Generation
Member # 1200

Icon 1 posted June 08, 2003 08:48      Profile for Colonel Panic         Edit/Delete Post 
I've been estranged from my family for over five years. It happened after a series of incidents that left me thinking "With family like this, who needs enemies?"

Shortly after the estrangement began, I moved, got a new number, changed my name and left no forwarding address.

I do keep in touch with a sister and brother in law who went through the same process. Those people are really that bad.

Colonel Panic

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Free! Free at last!

Posts: 1809 | From: Glacier Melt, USA | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
dragonman97

SuperFan!
Member # 780

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Icon 1 posted June 08, 2003 09:02      Profile for dragonman97   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Oh yeah, there's no doubt about it - I'm quite a bit different around my family than around my friends. And as you also suggested, I even am a bit different amongst different groups of friends. With family, I definitely take the most censored role, whereas that might be forsaken amongst friends [Wink] . And there are some of my friend with whom I will totally 'geek out,' as opposed to other friends, for whom I might just tone down the Linux/coding speak, and talk about 'regular' stuff. I even have to sometimes be the boss of a friend or two of mine, who now work in my dept., and I have seniority over them [Big Grin] .
Posts: 9332 | From: Westchester County, New York | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Punk Rawk Poet
Assimilated
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Icon 2 posted June 08, 2003 09:43      Profile for Punk Rawk Poet     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm still in highschool, living at home and I bearly talk to my parents. It's partly because my mom is always nitpicking about grades and never understands what I have to say, and it's also due in part because I refuse to treat my parents as high and mighty soreigns. I have an older brother and sister as well. My brother is my exact opposite with the exception of us having a few family characteristics. This Leaves my sister and sometimes my dad as the only people I comunicate with. My sister is great about it because she feels about the same about the rest of the family as I do. My dad is fine as long as my mom isn't around. I hate to say it, but he's whipped. Back on topic, yes, I do act a little different around my family than my friends, but it's only out of neccesity that I do so. My family (with afore mentioned exception) doesn't like the way I live, the things I believe in, and th people I like. As for extended family, twer it me at the wedding that snupy described, I would have been far too drunk to care what was going on. I don't usually drink otherwise, or certainly not to that extent. That's the effect that my aunts uncles and cousins generally have on me. On average, I think there are about 6 people on both sides of my family that I can tolerate. Beyond that, it's all politics (family and national) and nitpicking. So really I just don't talk to my family.

Edit: had to make myself not sound like a raging teenage alcoholic.

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The cat came back...
~A song from my primary school days

Posts: 447 | From: Boringville , USA | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged
uilleann
Discontinued


Icon 1 posted June 08, 2003 09:54            Edit/Delete Post 
Yeah - I mind my language around my family...

I think I am different around different people and groups of people, though this is probably more as a function of their personality and mine than any controlled difference.

(And I'm far more deadly serious here in the forums than I am elsewhere (like IRC or AIM) - situational differences in this case).

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Callipygous
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 2071

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Icon 1 posted June 08, 2003 15:22      Profile for Callipygous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Most families behave more formally with each other than with friends. There are many reasons. You can chose your friends, you can easily drop them if you drift apart. These things are more difficult with family, and family rows are the most hurtful, because, on the whole, however much you fall out with each other you don't stop caring.

I am very lucky and come from a wonderful and very loving family background. But we are still slightly wary of each other, simply because the bond is so strong, and you don't want to play with fire. I only really understood why my parents treated me the way they did, when I had my own children and experienced for myself the uncontrolable power of the passion my children engender in me. Suddenly then I could understand why on a certain emotional level my parents could never treat me as being much more than 8 years old, and I am probably just as irritating to my own children.

So although families can be terrible, they are often quite wonderful, and always bizarre and interesting.

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"Knowledge is Power. France is Bacon" - Milton

Posts: 2922 | From: Brighton - UK | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged
Callipygous
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
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Icon 1 posted June 08, 2003 15:24      Profile for Callipygous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Most families behave more formally with each other than with friends. There are many reasons. You can chose your friends, you can easily drop them if you drift apart. These things are more difficult with family, and family rows are the most hurtful, because, on the whole, however much you fall out with each other you don't stop caring.

I am very lucky and come from a wonderful and very loving family background. But we are still slightly wary of each other, simply because the

Posts: 2922 | From: Brighton - UK | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged
GMx

Solid Nitrozanium SuperFan!
Member # 1523

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Icon 1 posted June 08, 2003 16:16      Profile for GMx     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'd say I was different around family, but right now, I don't really have any friends to be different around. I don't really reveal much of myself here because I don't know how some would take it. The times that I have I've been met with a deafening silence. [Frown] I feel like an outcast everywhere, so it doesn't really matter. I've beeen resisting the urge to reply sometimes because of some of the mistakes I've made in the past.

To return to your question, yeah, I think we have different personalities that we present to different groups of people and it's necessary, because if we let ourselves be vulnerable or behave innappropriate in the wrong situation, it can mean embarrassment or worse, estrangement. Believe me, I know. Right now, however, I'm left with thhe feeling of "What did I do or say to chase people away?" But since I am unable to read minds, I'll never know. Best not to worry about it.

Posts: 5848 | From: S-4, Area 51 | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged
snupy
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 1211

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Icon 1 posted June 08, 2003 17:13      Profile for snupy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by GMx:
The times that I have I've been met with a deafening silence. [Frown] I feel like an outcast everywhere, so it doesn't really matter. I've beeen resisting the urge to reply sometimes because of some of the mistakes I've made in the past.

I don't know what to say, G. You and I have chatted privately by p/m, where it may be more comfortable talking about very private things. If you've met a deafening silence here, I'm sure it wasn't because people don't care, but rather because they don't know what to say?

Personally, I find it hard to understand why you don't have friends, as I know you as an articulate, witty, caring person. [Frown]

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"I just ordered an extra-long straw to avoid accidentally doing a sit-up"-Jay, Modern Family

Posts: 4269 | From: UK, via Chicago | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
Cap'n Vic

Member # 1477

Icon 10 posted June 08, 2003 17:19      Profile for Cap'n Vic     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Don't forget the G-mans artistic ability!!
Posts: 5471 | From: One of the drones from sector 7G | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
snupy
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 1211

Member Rated:
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Icon 1 posted June 08, 2003 17:23      Profile for snupy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
D'oh!!!!!!!!!!
Posts: 4269 | From: UK, via Chicago | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
Cap'n Vic

Member # 1477

Icon 1 posted June 08, 2003 17:32      Profile for Cap'n Vic     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
....or the fact all the girls in high school called him "tripod"!

[Big Grin]

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(!) (T) = 8-D

Posts: 5471 | From: One of the drones from sector 7G | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
TMBWITW,PB

Member # 1734

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Icon 1 posted June 08, 2003 23:34      Profile for TMBWITW,PB     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
In the beginning of my acquaintance with someone I am usually very quiet and reserved. (Stop laughing right now! [Wink] ) Once I am comfortable all the stops come out, but there are some people I stay pretty quiet around. Mainly the people I work with. That is probably because none of them are really my peers. There are only two people in my entire office who aren't old enough to be my parent or grandparent. Shoot, one of them even went to high school with my dad.

As far as your second question (is there anything wrong with that) I don't think there is. For heaven's sake, one of the first lessons we had in my acting classes was about how we act different in different roles that we play in life. PB the student vs PB the daughter, or girlfriend, or co worker. Can you imagine if someone behaved the same way with their mother as when they are alone with their lover? [Eek!] I think it's perfectly healthy and normal. Different people satisfy different needs we have for relationships, so we act differently. That's all.

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"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye."
óMiss Piggy

Posts: 4010 | From: my couch | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
cheezi git
BlabberMouth, the Next Generation
Member # 1598

Member Rated:
3
Icon 1 posted June 08, 2003 23:40      Profile for cheezi git     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by GMx:
I don't really reveal much of myself here because I don't know how some would take it. The times that I have I've been met with a deafening silence. [Frown]

g man. sorry you feel like that. why don't you open up a bit here? i can easily predict what the replies will be:

-i know how you feel, that happened to me
-what the fuck? get outta here you weirdo
-if you want to pm me go for it
-you prick
-perhaps you could try that

in other words some people are going to be freaked by your posts, whilst the others are going to be understanding, helpful and mature

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there were so many stains on the road. squashed miss mitten-shaped stains in the universe. squashed frog-shaped stains in the universe. squashed crows that tried to eat the squashed frog-shaped stains in the universe. squashed dogs...

Posts: 1929 | From: the left nostril of my cat | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
cheezi git
BlabberMouth, the Next Generation
Member # 1598

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Icon 1 posted June 08, 2003 23:41      Profile for cheezi git     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
although i am two-faced i try not to let the same person see both sides

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there were so many stains on the road. squashed miss mitten-shaped stains in the universe. squashed frog-shaped stains in the universe. squashed crows that tried to eat the squashed frog-shaped stains in the universe. squashed dogs...

Posts: 1929 | From: the left nostril of my cat | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
xaxnar
Geek Apprentice
Member # 2009

Member Rated:
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Icon 1 posted June 09, 2003 05:18      Profile for xaxnar     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It's not just that we show different people different sides of our personalities; there's also what they see when they look at us.

People tend to see others in light of the history they share with them and their own preconceptions. It's very easy to respond to the stored image people have about you - but it can also be a trap for both parties.

It's like the Rock Man said: "You see what you want to see and you hear what you want to hear."

Then too, there are the things that are part of us that are simply not in the world view of others; they'll never be able to see it.

If you can be honest with yourself and attempt to be so with others, there may be conflict initially but it will eventually sort itself out.

Posts: 49 | From: North America, early 21st century | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged
TonyRad
Assimilated
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Icon 1 posted June 14, 2003 18:49      Profile for TonyRad     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yeah, I very rarely talk to my immidiate family (even tho I'm still living with them). My goal, is to avoid them as much as possible without losing the neccessities (room, board, and of course computer [Smile] ) My only family I actually like would be my grandma, uncle, and cousin in GA, and my cousin and aunt in OR, and I wish I lived closer to them so I could visit with them more. My friends, I'm not too bad with. but I'm more of a 1 on 1 guy. I feel a lot more comfortable when I'm talking with 1 or 2 people, maybe 3 or 4 depending who they are, then a group of 15 people. Online, I'm the same way with my friends, I don't open up too much in group chats, but I'll open more than with my family, but I'm still more of a 1 on 1 chatter..

Tony Rad

Posts: 371 | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
Xanthine

Solid Nitrozanium SuperFan!
Member # 736

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Icon 1 posted June 14, 2003 21:34      Profile for Xanthine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hooo boy....

I watch some elements of my behavior around my family. And some stories they will not hear for a long time. They still don't know I got dumped in a class IV rapid my freshman year at the UR. My parents don't know the full story behind the death of my old climbing jacket (candle in a gay bar in London...but they aren't supposed to know my sis is bi so I told them it was a candle in her room in London). They don't know about my close call on my bike a couple months ago. They don't know squat about what my schedule was like at school, or how badly I ate or how little I slept. I'm lucky in that all four of us kids more or less get along. We're kinda far flung in location and interest, but when the shit hits the fan we close ranks. But my youngest sister gets along less well than the rest of us, and my dad can't deal with her at all, and the resulting tension makes fights erupt between him and her, him and Mom, and just everyone in general for no apparent reason. It doesn't help that my dad's temper has a blast radius the size of our property...I've been known to run for the ravines to escape the crossfire. My 'rents can also get pretty overbearing. I would not have been able to grow as a person if I hadn't left the state, and even now my dad and I are fighting a very subtle battle of control (my mom just surrounds herself in work...we don't seem to talk about more than science anymore). But I still love them all.

Around friends I am pretty much as I am here. I hold back a lot, especially at first. It takes me a while to open up, especially in groups. I'm not sure why. It's just a Xanthine trait.

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And it's one, two, three / On the wrong side of the lee / What were you meant for? / What were you meant for?
- The Decemberists

Posts: 7670 | From: the lab | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged


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