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Author Topic: going the distance?
maybe and maybe
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Icon 5 posted March 04, 2002 16:17            Edit/Delete Post 
Assume that appropriate time and bonding has passed. Assume that both parties have an equal intrest in pursing things further.

o.k.

How far would you travel to meet someone in person that you met online?

If the distance is great what aspects are necessary to balance out the money spent in such a trip?

What are some "ground rules"?

etc.?


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ZorroTheFox
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Icon 1 posted March 04, 2002 16:27      Profile for ZorroTheFox   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
there are no set rules, but I would suggest caution. people can be different in person......Z
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Bregalad
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Icon 4 posted March 04, 2002 17:00      Profile for Bregalad     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Been there, done that, didn't even get a t-shirt.

First of all you need to be very sure that your object of desire telling you the truth, the whole truth. Unfortunately that's a difficult thing to tell from a distance. Never assume too much.

Make sure to use a variety of technology to communicate. Sometimes you can learn more in a 5 minute phone call than you ever will in email. Sometimes, however, it's a scary situation and you wind up learning nothing at all except that you're both nervous. The written word has a depth to it that a phone call rarely approaches.

The next thing to understand is that even meeting face to face is no guarantee, particularly if it's long distance. By definition one of you is on vacation and the other is probably treating it as a vacation too. People in vacation mode are NOT the same as people who have to go to work every morning. This is why meeting somebody on a beach or a cruise ship can be a disaster.

Many years ago I was faced with a decision. I could travel to meet one online friend and not the other. I'll never know how the road not taken would've turned out, but my 3000 mile cross coutry trip was a nightmare essentially from the moment I arrived. It cost hundreds of dollars and a week of my life. It was a good learning experience though and I'm learning not to regret any of my experiences.

Important considerations:
1. how willing is (s)he to travel to meet you?
2. how much do you really know about them? ie. do you have information that could be checked independently?
3. how eager is (s)he to have you meet his/her friends? you definitely want to meet some friends.
4. have any of your RL friends written to or chatted with him/her? yes friends can be biased, but it helps to have another set of eyes on the situation.

Ultimately it's up to you to establish a comfort level. My trip didn't work out; maybe yours will.


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Geordie

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Icon 1 posted March 04, 2002 18:29      Profile for Geordie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Aww Bregalad no t-shirt. I at least got a t-shirt out of it. I'd agree on just about everything you said. The only thing I would like to reiterate is that the medium of communication can easily warp the communication. I was discussing this in an e-mail with a woman yesterday and said the following.
quote:
I find e-mail creates a heightened sense of intimacy without actually teaching the other person all that much about the real person. It seems that whatever mental picture someone has is not all that swayed by the data within the words but more by the way the words come as if in a pixelated whispered secret across the screen.

Phone calls distort the messages in different ways. That really is often a whisper in your ear for example. I've found an hour in the real world with someone in the company of their friends tells me more than I could learn in months of e-mails or phone calls. None of this is to say that they are not also the person that appears in the e-mails and phone calls, it is just that unless that is going to be the extent of the relationship, the day to day personality is a heck of a lot more important in the end.

To answer the original posters questions.
I would not travel very far anymore.

The only thing required to balance out the money being spent is that you are willing to spend it no matter what the end result.
Ground rules are whatever you want them to be. That is too personal a thing for me to answer. Me I aint much of a rules kind of guy.


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macadddikt18
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Icon 1 posted March 04, 2002 19:30      Profile for macadddikt18   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
less than 15 miles. nuff' said
Nayt

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Through out your life you will wonder who THEY are. Then you find out who THEY really are. From then on you live you life in fear of THEM and you wish you never knew who THEY were.


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Stickist
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Icon 6 posted March 04, 2002 22:22      Profile for Stickist     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'd say, keep it within your state, province, whatever. Less than 100 miles. I've been burned on two 'net relationships where the other party didn't show up (and I had driven 1,500 miles to see them), therefore, I don't do it anymore. Your mileage may vary.

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Sartori In Tangier


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Oldguy geek
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Icon 1 posted March 05, 2002 07:14      Profile for Oldguy geek     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by maybe and maybe:
How far would you travel to meet someone in person that you met online?

If the distance is great what aspects are necessary to balance out the money spent in such a trip?

What are some "ground rules"?

etc.?


How far is up to you and what you feel comfortable with. As bregalad says, you should verify some things by phone and maybe snail-mail as well. Get a phone number and address. Do a reverse lookup on the phone number and make sure it matches the address. If it's a cell phone, or not listed, be a little cautious. Make sure the meeting is in a public place with a lot of other people around, preferably a cafe or diner or someplace like that where raising your voice will draw some attention. Outdoor locations, like parks, are not as good because even shouting might be ignored as normal.

Trust your instincts. If something does not seem 'right' then get more paranoid. Be understanding that the other person should also be using similar forms of caution.

Now, is it really worth it?


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Swiss Mercenary

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Icon 1 posted March 05, 2002 07:49      Profile for Swiss Mercenary     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well considering my best friend and his wife met over the Internet, have been married for almost 4 years and have two daughters (of which I am Godfather to the second), I would say a long way.

He lived in Geneva, Switzerland, she was in Montréal, Canada.

Ground rules are what you make them. I would say meet the person face to face on neutral ground (halfway would be nice) and get to know them before taking it any further.

There are no set rules in this situation, I have known people to travel thousands of kilometres with nothing to show for it at the end and been very out of pocket.
I would say that the best way to do it is to organise a holiday around the meeting, that way not all is lost.


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Tau Zero
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Icon 1 posted March 05, 2002 08:02      Profile for Tau Zero     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
At least 250 miles.  Possibly more, depending.  I have gone over 1000 miles before (flying, not driving).

In many ways, I am an intensely curious person.  I'll go a long way just to fill in the blanks in my mental questionnaire about what a certain someone is like.  Being stood up is a disaster for this (as well as damned rude on the part of the person who welshes); learning that your first impression was all wrong is not.  How are you going to find if someone is worth pursuing a relationship with if you don't ever meet them?

I've driven a long way only to be stood up, and didn't like it.  However, the trip was not completely wasted; the rendezvous was at a major shopping mecca, and I had a good time bumming around the various shops.  I bought some toys that I still have.  I guess you could consider this a second to SM's suggestion to make a holiday of it, so that if one part goes sour you aren't marooned.


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mephisto

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Icon 1 posted March 05, 2002 09:04      Profile for mephisto     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by Tau Zero:
I have gone over 1000 miles before (flying, not driving).


A 1000 miles, thats nuts. Way too much time and money on the hands, hmmm? If i knew one of my friends that did this I would laugh my ass of for weeks. but then i would feel sorry for him too. but, lol thats funny.
now i know for sure that geek is synonymous with gullible. *sigh.
Its unfortunate, geeks are the smartest of the bunch but they still fall for this stuff(not that i've ever). Surprising that after all this geek dna seems to find a way to move up through the generations.

I mean no offense by the above post of course its just that, well it seems like too far no matter what(unless it was a s/o that you've spent time before hand).


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maybe and maybe
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Icon 5 posted March 05, 2002 11:17            Edit/Delete Post 
Well, thanks for all the responses. I still have a lot to think about on this one, but all the advice (and any further advice will be) is very helpful. I have been checking up on information as the "relationship" has progressed. I know this person is who they say they are. Workplace, address, phone number, etc. all check out as real and true. I have spoken to this person many times on the phone and we have exchanged such and such's through the mail. Two of my friends have chatted with this person online and one has spoken to them on the phone. Actually the person in question would rather come to visit me, but I feel more comfortable going there because I like to keep "my space" as mine. It's my choice to travel there. I am quite sure that I would not be stood because this person shows IMMENSE intrest while still being realistic. Also, though we could both be considered "geeks" in our own way we both live very far outside of the definition. We both have very full and active lives (don't take that the wrong way). We both travel a lot and neither of us lack attention from the opposite sex, respectively. Ect. I am NOT a gullible person in the least and this has been brewing for a long time. I cannot say that I am not still questioning the possibility of anything truley solid coming out of this, obviously as I am writing this, but I am definitely curious. The distance in this situation is great and making the trip, if it happens, for sure needs to be a "vaction". For the people who had nightmare outcomes to this: Do you think that you would have always wondered had you not followed through? Also there is only one successful response. Does anyone else know of any decent outcomes in a situation like this? I am old enough to understand the realities of life and relationships, but I cannot help but feel what I feel at this point. It's funny how new this all still is. Twenty years from now I am sure this type of thing will be a firm part of dating and mating with a plethora of set social rules to go along with it. Right now though it still seems a bit weird and has my head all twisted around itself. Thanks again.
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Icon 1 posted March 05, 2002 13:29      Profile for Bregalad     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by mephisto:
A 1000 miles, thats nuts.

While my experience would tend to make me agree, I wonder where you would be if Annie really lived in Victoria BC like she once claimed to. I expect you'd still be single.

I may live in a big city, but that's no guarantee that I'll ever find the right woman close to home. For me the choice might eventually come down to travel or remain single for life.


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macadddikt18
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Icon 1 posted March 05, 2002 19:24      Profile for macadddikt18   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
i guess it all comes to how in love with the girl do you think you are?
Nayt

------------------
Through out your life you will wonder who THEY are. Then you find out who THEY really are. From then on you live you life in fear of THEM and you wish you never knew who THEY were.


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mephisto

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Icon 1 posted March 05, 2002 19:44      Profile for mephisto     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by Bregalad:
While my experience would tend to make me agree, I wonder where you would be if Annie really lived in Victoria BC like she once claimed to. I expect you'd still be single.

i would never have gone to far from home for a romance, unless i knew the person really well before hand, and i mean in person. Ever. Rather have been single, owned a sun blade ultra workstation and live my life quietly till one day overconsumption of coffee and lack of sleep claimed me.
I'm very firm in the ways i think about osme things in life and i stick by them.


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Icon 9 posted March 05, 2002 22:54      Profile for Snaggy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Off topic: Annie never lived in Victoria?!!!
Awww!!!

Nitrozac and I almost left her a secret present in Victoria on her birthday. We were going to tell her on the Forums where she could find it. But it was raining a lot that night and we didn't think we could find a place where it would stay dry.

*sigh*


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macadddikt18
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Icon 1 posted March 06, 2002 07:01      Profile for macadddikt18   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
you should have left her the secret present. Like in a store or something. That would have been cool. Like a scavanger hunt in victoria.
Nayt

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Through out your life you will wonder who THEY are. Then you find out who THEY really are. From then on you live you life in fear of THEM and you wish you never knew who THEY were.


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ZorroTheFox
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Icon 12 posted March 06, 2002 17:22      Profile for ZorroTheFox   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
how about a scavenger hunt in Victoria's Secret ..........Z
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Icon 10 posted March 07, 2002 07:09      Profile for Swiss Mercenary     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Damn, Zorro does it again <wipes the coffee off the screen>.
Got those strange looks from my collegues when I burst out laughing (You know the looks, the ones that say 'we now know that you are surfing the web instead of working').

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Icon 1 posted March 07, 2002 07:55      Profile for TechnoGram     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by Tau Zero:
However, the trip was not completely wasted; the rendezvous was at a major shopping mecca

i don't actually know which side of the atlantic you're on, but if you flew 1000 miles it's a fair possibility that you're on my side. could this possibly be referring to the mall of america?

if so, did you go on the roller coaster?

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macadddikt18
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Icon 1 posted March 07, 2002 08:26      Profile for macadddikt18   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
victoria secret, that store has issues.
nayt

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Through out your life you will wonder who THEY are. Then you find out who THEY really are. From then on you live you life in fear of THEM and you wish you never knew who THEY were.


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mephisto

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Icon 1 posted March 07, 2002 09:49      Profile for mephisto     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by macadddikt18:
victoria secret, that store has issues.
nayt


No i think its lingerie, not issues that they have plenty of!. Methinks, mr macaddict has been spending too much time with the mac and miss palmista, so much so that he's forgotten the allure of a real geekette.

*mephisto - " wanders of drooling, imagining wife in lingerie"


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Icon 1 posted March 07, 2002 12:40      Profile for Angry Rooster   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
They have issues too, although I couldn't tell you the frequency that they come out in, I imagine a few men could.

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--Angry Rooster
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ZorroTheFox
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Icon 12 posted March 07, 2002 18:06      Profile for ZorroTheFox   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by Swiss Mercenary:
Damn, Zorro does it again <wipes the coffee off the screen>.
Got those strange looks from my collegues when I burst out laughing (You know the looks, the ones that say 'we now know that you are surfing the web instead of working').


I hope you have a cover for the keyboard, I spilled Mt Dew on mine once and I had to take it apart to make the keys less sticky........Z


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ZorroTheFox
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Icon 6 posted March 07, 2002 18:08      Profile for ZorroTheFox   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by macadddikt18:
victoria secret, that store has issues.
nayt


I get their issues about 4 times a year, though I noticed they tend to air brush over the nipples when they show through ......Z


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Geordie

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Icon 1 posted March 07, 2002 19:14      Profile for Geordie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by ZorroTheFox:
I get their issues about 4 times a year, though I noticed they tend to air brush over the nipples when they show through ......Z

I watched the most recent VS fashion show on my HDTV and I can assure not only do they do massive airbrushing they really soft focus it. The catalog is at least more subtle about it. (I hereby declare the topic drifted)


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