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Author Topic: another "let's be friends"
SpacemanSpiff22
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Icon 3 posted January 27, 2002 20:42      Profile for SpacemanSpiff22   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm not saying it's bad to be friends with her, and I'm not saying that I wasn't already friends with her. I'm just saying that i wish I could be MORE than friends with her. I mean, being friends is good, but when you to be more than friends and you aren't, it's just kind of frustrating. It's going well so far though, so I'm not that upset.

------------------
A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof
is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. --Douglas Adams


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macman
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Icon 1 posted January 28, 2002 06:02      Profile for macman   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I totally agree with Spiff on the frustration part. I can think of very few things as frustrating as someone who you like not sharing your feelings. About the only thing that I can think or that's worse is seeing them with someone else .

------------------
Paranoia is having all the facts.


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Kerouac
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Icon 1 posted January 28, 2002 07:50            Edit/Delete Post 
The Let's Be Friends line reminds me of a primary axiom...

Q: What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A: A slut will sleep with anyone. A bitch will sleep with anyone... except me.


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feldspar
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Icon 1 posted January 28, 2002 08:11      Profile for feldspar     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Oy. If my life had a theme song, "Let's Just Be Friends" would be its title and refrain.

Unfortunately once you've "gone there" and asked a friend out, and gotten LJBF'd, it's really hard to go back to the way things were "before." It's as if a point-of-no-return has been passed, nothing will ever be the same again, etc. Asking a friend out is perilous in more ways than one.

Yet I still do it because someone sometime told me the best relationships are friendships first. I've decided the best way to handle being LJBF'd is to (a) back off, (b) get over it, and (c) move on. More often than not I'll find a couple or few months down the road that she and I aren't the close friends we once were, though there's never a reason not to be friendLY.

Now in my (alas, extensive) experience, a woman has NEVER revoked an LJBF and stoked the spark again. Anyone know of any cases where that's happened?

Finally, I seem to recall an episode of "Seinfeld" in which Jerry (IIRC) said men & women can only be friends when there's no possibility of sex.... <chuckle>

f.

------------------
"Fat, drunk, and stupid
is no way to go through
life, son."


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none
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Icon 7 posted January 28, 2002 16:04            Edit/Delete Post 
Anyone remember when Harry met Sally?
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jherazob
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Icon 1 posted January 28, 2002 17:31      Profile for jherazob     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by annie:
I keep on hearing guys complain about getting "let's just be friends", and at the same time I know several geek girls who are single and wish they were otherwise. Considering they are all in the math faculty at my university (girl:guy ratio of maybe 1:6), so what's wrong in this picture?

Well, the fact that i'm not there counts too

Seriously, in this country it's not common to see male geeks (due to the not-too-tech-dependent culture, i guess), much less female geeks. I haven't seen one true female geek in here. Sure, some women study computing-related things and all, but mostly because of the "career of the future!" hype (that doesn't help much on producing lots of jobs, mind you), and many, men and women, graduate without having that "geek factor" necesary to like working on this and to excel at it (which on the other hand helps the ones who do like it, like me )

For now i'm interested on somebody, so i'll focus my attention on her, hoping for something more that LJBF for a change.


Posts: 43 | From: Barranquilla, Colombia | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Geordie

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Icon 1 posted January 28, 2002 18:08      Profile for Geordie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
This reminds of the main character's line in "Nice Guys Sleep Alone". Which paraphrased was I have no interest in being friends with you, I have enough of those already.
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bobman
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Icon 4 posted January 31, 2002 06:43      Profile for bobman     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
A lot of people have said they are tired of hearing the LJBF line. In fact, I would welcome it. Friendship can be a wonderful thing if both parties respect each other and enjoy each other's company. The reason I would welcome it, is because I'm tired of encountering the following:

1. Women who are looking just for sex. (Of course they'll completely deny that this is all they're looking for)
2. Women who are looking for emotional validation/gratification. ("I just wanted to know that you wanted me; the fact is I never really wanted you.")
3. Women who don't know what the hell they want. ("I love you. I'm not sure. I love you. I'm not sure. I love you. I'm not sure.")

Of course, given the chance to find someone who is right for me, for a romantic relationship, I would definitely love to meet her as well. But as it stands, if I were in a situation where I was LJBF'ed, and I knew the person was sincere, I would be more than happy to be friends with her. Because it's not 'JUST' friends. It's simply something DIFFERENT from a romantic relationship, that can be just as fulfilling. Besides, if you can't be friends with the person, how can you expect to be anything more?

Bob.


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annie
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Icon 1 posted January 31, 2002 07:57      Profile for annie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by jherazob:

Seriously, in this country it's not common to see male geeks (due to the not-too-tech-dependent culture, i guess), much less female geeks. I haven't seen one true female geek in here. Sure, some women study computing-related things and all, but mostly because of the "career of the future!" hype (that doesn't help much on producing lots of jobs, mind you), and many, men and women, graduate without having that "geek factor" ....

Does any other geekette out there find this extremely offensive?
jherazob, you are equating "geek" with "computer geek", and I think that most people here will agree that there exist other types of geeks.
(this sort of arrogance found in some "computer geeks" really pisses me off, not to mention that I think that there are a few "computer geekettes" that hang around here - geekculture - and I know several others in real life)


------------------
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.


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annie
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Icon 2 posted January 31, 2002 08:14      Profile for annie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by macman:
The thing with the majority of these women is that they are definately attractive, and it's like being a child in a candy store with a muzzle on.

There's your problem right there. You want to be with them because you find them attractive. Therefore it should be completely natural for you to expect that if they found you attractive, they would also want to go out with you, right?

I decided a long time ago that I would only date guys who were a)nice b)smart c)unattractive. Why unattractive? Because they tend to lack the arrogance so common in "attractive" guys and because I've spent long years looking and feeling "unattractive" so I knew how painfull it was. The result? I found many of these "unattractive" guys were going after gorgeous babes who considered the idea of dating them laughable, so they spent most of their time complaining about how "hard" it is to be a guy. They would only notice me when I made an effort to look pretty, and ended up exploiting the fact that I was so nice to them.
I've heard guys who are obviously physically unattractive say things like "what's wrong with wanting a girl who's sexy?", well "smartie-pants" if there's nothing wrong with that there's also nothing wrong with a girl saying "what's wrong with wanting a guy who's sexy". It works both ways goddamnit, and for some reason guys don't seem to understand that.

I have to agree with mephisto on his thread
http://www.geekculture.com/ultimatebb/Forum22/HTML/000069.html


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Bregalad
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Icon 1 posted January 31, 2002 11:59      Profile for Bregalad     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Most people carry around unrealistic opinions of their own attractiveness and unrealistic expectations of the members of the sex that they are attracted to. Part of the maturing process is learning to accept yourself for what you are and accept those around you for what they are.

If you are willing to go beyond physical attributes, something Annie clearly does, you might be surprised at how "attractive" you find people you like.

When I was in my late teens I was as unrealistic as those around me. I had no time for girls who didn't fit my narrow view of what a woman should be. Since then I've grown up. I no longer look for romance among the "beautiful people". I've met a number of friends and potential romantic partners on the internet where it was words and not physical cues that drew us together. I wrote to my first internet "girlfriend" for months before we bothered to exchange photographs. In fact, the only reason we did was because there was a chance we might meet in RL and wanted to be able to recognize each other. Looks were completely irrelevant.

A majority of the women I have dated have been heavier than me, some by a significant margin. Would I have preferred girls who looked like TTBs? I doubt it. It's very hard to grow up "beautiful" in the eyes of the world and not get an attitude about it. I prefer real women who have spent their lives developing their minds and personalities, women who probably understand what it's like to be shy and ignored by those they are physically attracted to, women who will probably appreciate a guy who was once a 23 year old virgin.


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jherazob
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Icon 1 posted February 02, 2002 20:34      Profile for jherazob     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by annie:
Does any other geekette out there find this [b]extremely offensive?
jherazob, you are equating "geek" with "computer geek", and I think that most people here will agree that there exist other types of geeks.
(this sort of arrogance found in some "computer geeks" really pisses me off, not to mention that I think that there are a few "computer geekettes" that hang around here - geekculture - and I know several others in real life)

[/B]


Hey, take it easy, i mentioned it that way because it's the "flavor" of geekette i'd thought that would be most likely to be found, as computing is the only geeky thing that most people recognize around here (Barranquilla, Colombia, South America, i tend to forget that in the net people tend to think that you're all on the USA and never clarify where am i, and i don't get mad because of that ).

In general, there are not much geeks in general around here. I think that it's because of the loooong crisis of this country (older than me, i'm 26), so people are most likely trying to survive and maintain a family than to dedicate to hobbies. There are geeks, of course (well, at least me ), but you can't find mostly anything related to geekdom in here (GeekCulture or ThinkGeek would sell mostly nothing in here). I haven't seen many geeks here, maybe it's something cultural.

Someday, i'll see if there's somebody else with formation on anthropology (there's no anthropology in any university around here, so he/she probably would be from somewhere else) that can help me to find the Why, maybe people that have natural tendencies to geekdom are oriented in another direction or something, and others like me just pop at random

Again, i apologize if i made you, and the other geekettes in the forum for that matter, get mad, i'll keep that in mind for the next posts.


Posts: 43 | From: Barranquilla, Colombia | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
jherazob
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Icon 1 posted February 02, 2002 21:11      Profile for jherazob     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by annie:

I decided a long time ago that I would only date guys who were a)nice b)smart c)unattractive. Why unattractive? Because they tend to lack the arrogance so common in "attractive" guys and because I've spent long years looking and feeling "unattractive" so I knew how painfull it was.


After getting my heart ripped off and put in a blender by a gorgeous girl, i decided to see what was wrong, and the "attractive/unattractive" issue was checked too. I decided that my definition of "attractive" was too narrow, and started looking more. I discovered that most girls are attractive (being an exception the unatractive girl, and even then i think that i'm not looking enough), and that i don't really need a supermodel, but somebody that has something that i haven't been able to define, a certain "charm", that many gorgeous girls lack. I've found that some girls relatively near me have it, and now i'm trying to know them better (one of them showed interest in Tolkien, so i have hopes that she's a latent geek, wish me luck )

quote:

The result? I found many of these "unattractive" guys were going after gorgeous babes who considered the idea of dating them laughable, so they spent most of their time complaining about how "hard" it is to be a guy. They would only notice me when I made an effort to look pretty, [b]and
ended up exploiting the fact that I was so nice to them.
[/B]

That's something every male has to deal with, and with some luck you'll find someone that has already dealt with that. Hey, at least i did

quote:

I've heard guys who are obviously physically unattractive say things like "what's wrong with wanting a girl who's sexy?", well "smartie-pants" if there's nothing wrong with that there's also nothing wrong with a girl saying "what's wrong with wanting a guy who's sexy". It works [b]both
ways goddamnit, and for some reason guys don't seem to understand that.
[/B]

Well, i'm of the opinion (validated by experience) that the typical gorgeous girls are not really worth the effort, because they rely too much in their beauty and spend practically no effort in growing as a person, hence the legendary "dumb blonde" (curious, as i prefer brunnettes, but for each their own ). The girls that are not that gorgeous actually have to develop themselves and are much more interesting. I have tried to talk to gorgeous girls without dating intentions, and the conversations are not that good. Why do they want to date somebody that has nothing in common with you? i don't know (unless the only thing they want is sex or are already infatuated, and in that case they're in for lots of pain)

quote:

I have to agree with mephisto on his thread
http://www.geekculture.com/ultimatebb/Forum22/HTML/000069.html

I have already started making changes on my life instead of whining. You're right, it's easier to whine than to change, but it's harder to regret not having done anything. And i don't want that regret.


Posts: 43 | From: Barranquilla, Colombia | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
macadddikt18
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Icon 1 posted February 02, 2002 21:54      Profile for macadddikt18   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I don't look at girls as either atractive or not, i try and look at their personality. If they have a beautiful personality or an attractive personality that is what i am attracted to. I really don't care what they look like. In the long run that is not important at all.
Nayt

------------------
Through out your life you will wonder who THEY are. Then you find out who THEY really are. From then on you live you life in fear of THEM and you wish you never knew who THEY were.


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jherazob
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Icon 1 posted February 04, 2002 05:58      Profile for jherazob     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by macadddikt18:
I don't look at girls as either atractive or not, i try and look at their personality. If they have a beautiful personality or an attractive personality that is what i am attracted to. I really don't care what they look like. In the long run that is not important at all.

Well, i think it's important, but not that much. I once tried dating a girl that got interested in me, even though i wasn't attracted to her, thinking that she was more or less like what i was looking for. I realized that even with my most honest efforts, i never got to feel for her what she wanted me to feel. It ended in her being very hurt and i hating myself over that bad choice. I decided to stay away from dating, love and all that for a while. Only four years later i felt that i was ready to go again. But i decided that i'd never would date someone again who i wouldn't feel physically attracted at least a bit, but that i'd stay away from the typical gorgeous girl.


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Angry Rooster
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Icon 4 posted February 04, 2002 14:18      Profile for Angry Rooster   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by annie:
Does any other geekette out there find this extremely offensive?
jherazob, you are equating "geek" with "computer geek", and I think that most people here will agree that there exist other types of geeks.
(this sort of arrogance found in some "computer geeks" really pisses me off, not to mention that I think that there are a few "computer geekettes" that hang around here - geekculture - and I know several others in real life)


Well, I'm not a geekette, but I find it offensive because it's insulting the friends I've made here. We are abundant with female geeks, including those of the computer variety. SupportGoddess, tekniklr, and Roceal all spring to mind, and those are just the ones who frequent IRC.

And do yourself a favor, jherazob, don't question someones geekiness, especially not here, and especially not in such a broad stroke.

------------------
--Angry Rooster
"Eagles may soar, but roosters don't get sucked into jet engines."


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curlysimon
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Icon 1 posted February 04, 2002 14:34      Profile for curlysimon   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
And do yourself a favor, jherazob, don't question someones geekiness, especially not here, and especially not in such a broad stroke.


I don't think he was refering to here in the virtual sense of Geek Culture, but here to where he lives -- ie in Colombia.


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jherazob
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Icon 8 posted February 05, 2002 05:34      Profile for jherazob     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by curlysimon:

I don't think he was refering to here in the virtual sense of Geek Culture, but here to where he lives -- ie in Colombia.

Yeah, that's what i'm talking about. Real Life. You know, the big room with the blue roof and the really bright light.

Hey, i was making a comment about the situation IN MY CITY, and you try to destroy me. I've grown myself as a geek in a place without one, have developed skills that nobody here seems to know about (still in that process, but you get the idea), and i'm trying to make friends in a place where you're supposedly more accepted than in the real life, where they look at you as something weird when you mention reading a book as big as Lord of the Rings more than once (even after the movie), and you treat me as another jerk when i talk (not you, curlysimon, thanks for your opinion), even after i apologized for a mistake i didn't even knew i was making. Thank you very much.

Anyway, time to move on and keep on topic.


Posts: 43 | From: Barranquilla, Colombia | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
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Icon 1 posted February 05, 2002 20:08      Profile for Hello     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Party A gave Party BCDE and F Service G. Sean I know your out there. And yes I can beat Demois Rising with one hand. You do know what Service G is. I did not ask or wish to recieve service G from her. I'll tell you the rest later.
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Angry Rooster
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Icon 11 posted February 07, 2002 00:13      Profile for Angry Rooster   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yeesh... sorry about that... I misunderstood your clarifying post... I thought you were refering to the forums, but saying you had a different perspective because of the lack of geeks in your area... ugh... I've become everything I hate...

Time to crawl into a corner somewhere.

------------------
--Angry Rooster
"Eagles may soar, but roosters don't get sucked into jet engines."


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SpacemanSpiff22
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Icon 12 posted February 07, 2002 00:15      Profile for SpacemanSpiff22   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Service G huh? Yes, I can guess what service G is.
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annie
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Icon 1 posted February 07, 2002 06:48      Profile for annie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by jherazob:
In general, there are not much geeks in general around here. I think that it's because of the loooong crisis of this country (older than me, i'm 26), so people are most likely trying to survive and maintain a family than to dedicate to hobbies. There are geeks, of course (well, at least me ), but you can't find mostly anything related to geekdom in here (GeekCulture or ThinkGeek would sell mostly nothing in here). I haven't seen many geeks here, maybe it's something cultural.

In general there aren't many geeks out there period. It's the curse of intelligence - we're doomed to being very much alone. That's why we're so extatic every time we meet someone remotely like us (like here! ).
Actually to be honest I thought you were talking about geekculture too, but I'm glad you cleared up that misunderstanding.
All I can say is good luck, and hopefully you'll find more geeky people close to you.

------------------
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.


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jherazob
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Icon 7 posted February 07, 2002 19:07      Profile for jherazob     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, take it easy, i wasn't offended, just a bit annoyed (specially when some suit decided to cancel the project i was working on and left me out of a job again, not to mention without that sweet fast net connection), so you can come out from that corner, Angry Rooster, and thanks, Annie, i hope that too, i hope that the one i'm going for right now has as much intelligence and geek factor as i think i read from her

So i'll go back to hoping now


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jherazob
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Icon 7 posted February 07, 2002 19:38      Profile for jherazob     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, take it easy, i wasn't offended, just a bit annoyed (specially when some suit decided to cancel the project i was working on and left me out of a job again, not to mention without that sweet fast net connection), so you can come out from that corner, Angry Rooster, and thanks, Annie, i hope that too, i hope that the one i'm going for right now has as much intelligence and geek factor as i think i read from her (of course, the fact that i may need to change my glasses soon has to be considered )

So i'll go back to hoping now


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Icon 1 posted February 08, 2002 06:45      Profile for Hello     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Party stupid sup stupid is preg to much service g.
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