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Author Topic: The facade...
neotatsu
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 1429

Member Rated:
3
Icon 1 posted December 28, 2004 13:09      Profile for neotatsu     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Heh, it's interesting to think about it... I've never wanted anything more than to be accepted for who I am.. What I am. Now, I realize what my mistake in that was. Being accepted is what I already was. I called it being "tolerated".

I realize now, being accepted isn't what I've wanted. What I've wanted was to be wanted. For somone to want me to be me, because they want me to be ME. Not just because they don't want me to pretend, but because they actually want to be around me.

I've also come to realize how futile that desire is. I'm not capable of being positive, and no one will ever desire to be around someone like that.

So... I'm tired of being accepted. I give up. I'm resigned to being alone forever, if that's the way it has to be. I'm not the only one who thinks so either, which is probably the most painful part...

I swore to somone I care about that I'd never hurt myself again, so that option is out... I can't bear to fail again, when it's all I've ever managed to do.

Sorry for the sober topic, heh. I'm an incredibly depressing person. But, then, that's why I can never allow anyone to see anything but the facade again... The farce of being happy... That nothing is ever wrong. I wonder how long I'll be able to keep it before winding up in the emergency room and then the mental ward again? *shrug* Any bets? Pretty high odds on it being soon, heh.

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I'm curious... About what, you ask? EVERYTHING!

Posts: 2239 | From: Western WA | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
Cap'n Vic

Member # 1477

Icon 1 posted December 28, 2004 13:17      Profile for Cap'n Vic     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I hope TT's public post hasn't made things worse for you. You know, winter solstice and the holidays can be hard time for a lot of people, and if you are also fighting a mental illness it can be unbearable.

You need to go see your doctor and get on some meds....they will help. You also may want to join some sort of group where people are having similar issues. Crying on someones shoulder who 'has been there' can be very healing.

Good luck neo, and keep yer chin up. [thumbsup]

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(!) (T) = 8-D

Posts: 5471 | From: One of the drones from sector 7G | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
neotatsu
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 1429

Member Rated:
3
Icon 1 posted December 28, 2004 13:41      Profile for neotatsu     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I am on meds...

Actually, getting on meds is part of what has made things worse. Because of going the route of seeking professional help, I had to move to southern Cali, because I couldn't afford to do it without my parents help.

My parents are very difficult to live with. And the friends I had were all in Washington. I'm hoping things will get better after new years, when I'll actually have a means of meeting some new people... But, as things stand... I can't take this much longer.

Twinkie's post didn't make anything worse... Actually, I don't particularly care what the people here on GC know aboot me, or what's going on. Heh, I don't really know any of you, so what's it matter to me?

As for someone who's been there... I'm afraid I can't allow myself to get close to anyone. I'm rather a coward... And it hurts me too much to dredge up their demons.

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I'm curious... About what, you ask? EVERYTHING!

Posts: 2239 | From: Western WA | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
Callipygous
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 2071

Member Rated:
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Icon 1 posted December 28, 2004 14:29      Profile for Callipygous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Don't be so hard on yourself. You behaved with admirable grace and restraint in that thread. If it happened to me, I would have wanted to bite her head off, so I take my hat off to you sir.

Just hang around. Stuff gets easier as you get older, and you realise how few are the things that really matter. Try having a little fun, and consider getting involved in stuff outside yourself. It can help you get a little perspective on your own situation.

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"Knowledge is Power. France is Bacon" - Milton

Posts: 2922 | From: Brighton - UK | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged
GMx

Solid Nitrozanium SuperFan!
Member # 1523

Member Rated:
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Icon 1 posted December 28, 2004 14:52      Profile for GMx     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Feel free to set up your tin shack next to mine. I have plenty of cat food. [Wink]
Posts: 5844 | From: S-4, Area 51 | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged
Cap'n Vic

Member # 1477

Icon 1 posted December 28, 2004 15:09      Profile for Cap'n Vic     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Like Calli said. Stuff gets easier.

The grass seems greener on the other side of the fence rule applies here. Believe me, there are days when I wish I had no wife, no kids, no responsibilities to anyone but me. Enjoy your freedom now 'cause one day you'll have a wife, kids, mortgage, car payments and no time for yourself and you'll be looking back at 'the good ol' single days'.

/2 more days with the in-laws [ohwell]

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(!) (T) = 8-D

Posts: 5471 | From: One of the drones from sector 7G | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
Twinkle Toes
BlabberMouth, the Next Generation
Member # 1208

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Icon 1 posted December 29, 2004 00:34      Profile for Twinkle Toes   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Callipygous:If it happened to me, I would have wanted to bite her head off, so I take my hat off to you sir.
Exactly what did I say to make you so angry with me? I stated things from my perspective, and that's the way you should take them. That's why I directed Scott to the thread, so he could have a voice in it.

Maybe if it were you, you wouldnt've wanted me to post information about yourself, but I know Scott's okay with it.

Posts: 1617 | From: a membrane near you! | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
neotatsu
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 1429

Member Rated:
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Icon 1 posted December 29, 2004 11:57      Profile for neotatsu     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Dern tootin I am... Honesty, even when it's brutal, tends to hurt alot less than trying to hide the truth. A lesson learned over and over again...

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I'm curious... About what, you ask? EVERYTHING!

Posts: 2239 | From: Western WA | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
csk

Member # 1941

Member Rated:
5
Icon 1 posted December 29, 2004 15:21      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by neotatsu:
As for someone who's been there... I'm afraid I can't allow myself to get close to anyone. I'm rather a coward... And it hurts me too much to dredge up their demons.

In my (admittedly limited) experience of breakups, thats a part of the process. At the moment you'
re sitting near the bottom of the recovery curve. Over time, you'll move up and out of it. IMO, it makes it easier if you just concentrate on living your life in a way that you're happy with, and trying not to overanalyse things. There's a time for analysis and thought, but do it too much and you don't spend any time living, and that becomes a source of guilt.

I truly hope that things start improving for you, neo. All the best.

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6 weeks to go!

Posts: 4455 | From: Sydney, Australia | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged
Callipygous
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 2071

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Icon 1 posted December 30, 2004 16:48      Profile for Callipygous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Twinkle Toes:
Exactly what did I say to make you so angry with me?

I fear that I cannot continue this conversation for the same reason that I disapproved of your thread. I don't enjoy bear baiting.

In any case if you don't know, I won't be able to make you understand.

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"Knowledge is Power. France is Bacon" - Milton

Posts: 2922 | From: Brighton - UK | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged
csk

Member # 1941

Member Rated:
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Icon 1 posted December 30, 2004 17:02      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
/me points to "private message" facility, which seems ideal for this sort of discussion [Smile]

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6 weeks to go!

Posts: 4455 | From: Sydney, Australia | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged
Rhonwyyn

Solid Gold SuperFan!
Member # 2854

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Icon 1 posted December 30, 2004 17:03      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
You're wussing out on us, dear Callipygous. I'm quite a few years older than Twink and Scott, been through my share of relationships--good and bad--and even I'm not sure what you're getting at.

Are you going through a rough time in your own life that Neotatsu and Twink's conversations have struck a chord and incited your anger? Yes, they're young, but from what I can tell, they're both handling this in a rather mature manner.

To Scott: You've stated that you've tried Lithium without much success. Please ask your doctor about Depakote as that can have greater success than Lithium in helping to get your bi-polar disorder under control. Those two meds have worked well in my family, but because meds react differently in different people, they may not be a perfect fix. Still, it's something to try, if for no other reason than to rule it out as an option for treatment.

Also, please start seeing a licensed therapist/psycholgist/counselor/psychiatrist to help you work through your depressive episodes. The combination of meds and therapy/counseling is your best route to recovery, but therapy/counseling alone can do wonders. If you don't think you can afford it, check your phone book for groups that offer discount services. They're often sponsored by religious groups, but they don't preach religion.

You're a person of value, Scott, even when it feels like you aren't. You are too, Calli, even when you're a grouch! [Razz]

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Change the way you SEE, not the way you LOOK!

Posts: 3849 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged
neotatsu
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 1429

Member Rated:
3
Icon 1 posted December 30, 2004 17:39      Profile for neotatsu     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thanks for the support... Unfortunately, the holiday season, not to mention the nature of people being depressed in this season, has made making appointments appalingly difficult. Couldn't get to see a psych untill the 11th of next month.. I'm not doing all bad.. Problem is what's real and what's not is hard to decipher in my mind when my emotions rollercoaster.

www.livejournal.com/~neotatsu might give some insight to my little world, for those interested.... I dun' know any of you's but Twinkle in person, so I'm not particularly shy, nor do I particularly care if you look down on me, heh.

Oh, and Calip, don't take Twinkle Toes too seriously in her anger... God knows I love her, but she tends to be a little testy... *sigh* I'm attracted to her fiery temper though [ohwell] [crazy] [devil wand] [evil]

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I'm curious... About what, you ask? EVERYTHING!

Posts: 2239 | From: Western WA | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
Cap'n Vic

Member # 1477

Icon 1 posted December 30, 2004 17:46      Profile for Cap'n Vic     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I don't think Calli is being a grouch....he is just showing some common sense.

Think for a second why TT would even start a thread like that.

*To hurt neo?

*To make her feel better about herself?

I don't see any reason this couldn't have taken place via pm's or email....no reason to drag it all out into public.

Imagine if an ex bf of your came in here and started say stuff like: Ronny doesn't put out, or she has a flat ass and blah blah blah... While everything he says may be true do we all here need to know about it? How would that make you feel? Imagine if you already had mental health issues and someone who used to be a friend/lover came here slandering you? I don't see how anything positve could come out of this.

AFWIW our good friend TT only recently started posting here after almost a year away after she pissed a few other GC'ers off awhile back.

Further to that, posting personal details about yourself is one thing. Most of us tend to post fairly general about our lives, not too much detail to keep stalkers away etc etc. Now, imagine someone posting details about you. Where you live, your phone number or your real name. You can't tell me you wouldn't feel violated.

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(!) (T) = 8-D

Posts: 5471 | From: One of the drones from sector 7G | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
csk

Member # 1941

Member Rated:
5
Icon 1 posted December 30, 2004 18:02      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hmm, this debate brings a question to my mind. Are we treating this situation differently because both parties involved are members of these forums? If I'm honest with myself, I wouldn't have even questioned what TT posted if neo didn't post here. And some of the stuff I've posted here might have looked a bit suss if my ex was a member here too. Just a thought...

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6 weeks to go!

Posts: 4455 | From: Sydney, Australia | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged
Rhonwyyn

Solid Gold SuperFan!
Member # 2854

Member Rated:
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Icon 1 posted December 30, 2004 18:03      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
The thing is, though, Vic... Twink started her post out of concern for Neo... not because they broke up or because she wanted more than he was giving. She felt like his life was at stake, maybe not physically, but at least emotionally and mentally. It was a cry for help for him.

Yes, elephants have long memories, but to hold an old argument (which from what I read was a complete misunderstanding by a bunch of people) against a young girl, that's really harsh, even by your standards. Even Neo acknowledged that what she just recently posted was not to be taken in a mean-spirited manner.

Granted, some of the more personal information could've been avoided, but I chalk that up to Twink's youth and lack of knowledge of "Netiquette." Cut her some slack, why don'tcha?

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Change the way you SEE, not the way you LOOK!

Posts: 3849 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged


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