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Author Topic: What do you really want???
geekygoddess
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Icon 1 posted July 29, 2008 14:01      Profile for geekygoddess     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Ok guys, I am needing some opinions here.

What do you think of the woman making the first move? I mean, if someone was interested in you, would you prefer her to tell you, or are you all about the "chase" and want to pursue her? I am sick of society telling us woman that we have to behave a certain way. I say if you want it...go get it!!! Are guys intimidated by strong, independent women?

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DoctorWho

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Icon 1 posted July 29, 2008 14:13      Profile for DoctorWho     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
For the record, I had no romantic interest in my wife until she made the first move toward making our relationship more than just friends. She basically invited me to her house, cooked me supper and then we watched Last of the Mohicans. It was when she cuddled up to me during the movie that I got the message.

I don't think I would have ever thought of pursuing a relationship with her other than friendship if she would not have done that. So yes I am in favor of strong, independent women making the first move.

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fs

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Icon 1 posted July 29, 2008 14:23      Profile for fs   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by geekygoddess:
Are guys intimidated by strong, independent women?

You are asking the wrong question.

The question you should be asking is "Do I want to be with a guy that is intimidated by strong, independent women?"

If the answer is "no," then being strong and independent and making the first move if you want to is just part of the selection process.

(And, if the answer is "yes" but you are a strong, independent woman, then you should probably start practicing hiding it now, rather than later.)

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dragonman97

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Icon 1 posted July 29, 2008 15:40      Profile for dragonman97   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Go for it! Even though 'no' is probably one of my favorite words in most languages (or the applicable translation), it's not my most common response when such a situation arises. [Smile] Besides, all that dancing around just makes for tired feet. [Razz]

Do remember that we (guys) can be horribly thick about picking up on things like interest, or simply telling the difference between very good friendship and actual romantic interest. I think CrawGator's tale sums this up quite well, and such finales make for clear enough messages. [Smile] (For that matter, so does showing up ______ w/____ [Razz] )

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macmcseboy

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Icon 1 posted July 29, 2008 15:56      Profile for macmcseboy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
My last gf almost quite literally knocked me upside the head and dragged me home.

I was thick to the idea that she harboured an interest. Thus her action made the relationship happen...

Yes I endorse the woman making the first move. Especially if the dude hasn't a clue.

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Callipygous
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Icon 1 posted July 29, 2008 16:26      Profile for Callipygous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
What do we really want?

Lots of sex with lots of different extremely attractive women (who never grow old), then to be cooked insanely delicious food, before being given lots of shiny digital toys to play with, and a fat stash of cash so we don't have to go out to work, some fine wine and class A drugs, a comfortable bed at the end of the day, freshly ironed shirts in the morning, and

errr...

that's it.

Simple really, pass those tests and you can be as feisty and independent as you like.

Until I find this, I'll put up with anyone with some spirit, generosity, and wit. A degree of tolerance for my manifold failings is useful, and I also think that rather old fashioned virtue, loyalty, is pretty important too.

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Ugh, MightyClub
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Icon 1 posted July 29, 2008 17:13      Profile for Ugh, MightyClub     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yeah, what Calli said.

I'm totally incapable of interpreting female hints. Give it to me straight, no beating around the bush. Erm... So I can give it to you straight, without beating about the bush, so to speak.

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The Famous Druid

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Icon 1 posted July 29, 2008 17:24      Profile for The Famous Druid     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by geekygoddess:
What do you think of the woman making the first move?

In theory, I think either party should be able to make the first move.
In practice... the only woman I've been involved with who actually made the first move (I arrived home and found her waiting for me in my bed!) was a total frakking lunatic, real 'Glenn Close - Fatal Attraction' stuff. To be honest, if another woman tried that, I'd probably panic and call the cops.

Moderation in all things.

Oh, and Calli is a very wise man. [Wink]

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MacManKrisK

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Icon 1 posted July 29, 2008 17:31      Profile for MacManKrisK     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Ugh, MightyClub:
Yeah, what Calli said.

I'm totally incapable of interpreting female hints. Give it to me straight, no beating around the bush. Erm... So I can give it to you straight, without beating about the bush, so to speak.

Yeah, what Ugh said! Precisely! Word for word!

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get rich and you still die"


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tweety
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Icon 1 posted July 29, 2008 19:29      Profile for tweety   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Just call me Captain Clueless.

Long backstory, will skip. By the time I met my wife, I'd been through some fairly indecent experiences, and wanted the to woman to make the first move. Now, the Mrs comes up to me at work one day and asks for some home computer help. I'm all like "Sure, tell you what, here's my number, give me a call when you're free." Years later she told me she tossed the number in the nearest garbage can. (Gee, and I wonder why she never called.)

Anyway, after dancing around for about a week, I finally went to go see if we couldn't head out on a date. Except, I thought I'd be all smooth about it and get her to ask me out. Yeah, didn't know the woman I was playing with. I ended up asking her out.

Two things. One, this story is very very very choppy, the Mrs can tell it better (as she always does). Second, she's a very strong woman, but very feminine as well. So, by being strong she still got me to ask her out. But, she's good like that.

If you like the guy but he's also a Captain in the Clueless Service, you'd best do the asking. I do believe most guys, especially us shy types, will appreciate that more than you think.

(As an aside, because I can't help myself, I also appreciate women who are feminine, know how to use their femininity, but are strong and can hold their own.)

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stevenback7
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Icon 1 posted July 29, 2008 20:38      Profile for stevenback7   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I agree with what most of the people have been saying.

I say, go for it. The guy might be totally uncomfertable with you being a strong, independent woman but that just means he isn't for you. All you lost was a bit of your time and whatnot. But if you don't tell the guy how you feel and make the move, you might be passing up an awesome guy who just didn't know how you felt, or was a little shy, or _______ .

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dragonman97

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Icon 1 posted July 29, 2008 21:15      Profile for dragonman97   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I agree with Calli for the most part, but maybe I'm not quite as picky: The sheets don't have to be ironed. [Wink]

Also, I run my system clean...so a divine cup of coffee is all I need. [Razz]
(Or espresso, or some good black tea†.)

Oh, and a bit of reflection tells me that 'mutual asking' is just a bad idea. Either you want to go out, or don't...anything else can turn out to be a mess.

† That is, Assam or the like. Naturally, the milk poured in after!

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Xanthine

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Icon 1 posted July 29, 2008 23:10      Profile for Xanthine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
As I've said before, you're either predator or prey. Figure it out and work with it.

Like tweety's Mrs., I have better luck being the prey. This does not make me any less strong or independent, this does not mean I never scared off anyone who couldn't handle me. There's a certain power in being the pursued, just there is power in being the pursuer. Neither is better than the other - you just have to figure out which role fits you best.

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And it's one, two, three / On the wrong side of the lee / What were you meant for? / What were you meant for?
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fs

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Icon 1 posted July 30, 2008 02:13      Profile for fs   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Another thought:

Aggressive pursuit by someone else can be flattering, but also discomfitting and it can come across as pushy. (TFD has a cautionary tale. I could tell a few of my own.) It's important, if you are doing the pursuing, to respect boundaries and comfort levels. You don't have to be a pushy jerk to be direct. And if you are the pursued (sorry, don't like the term "prey"--it evokes the predator/prey concept, which makes me shudder, applying it to a relationship, though there are some people that get off on that) then you need to make sure that the person giving pursuit respects your boundries, and don't let yourself be bullied into something.

One more thought:

When considering relationships, most people ask "What do I want, what can this person bring into my life?" and leave it there. You should also be asking "What do I offer this person, what can I add to his or her life?"

You should leave people better than you find them, and if you can't realistically do anything but weigh them down, you should leave it as friends and find someone with whom you can have a mutually beneficial relationship.


(In general. Not directed at GG in specific. Just thoughts upon reading the conversation.)

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HalfVast

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Icon 1 posted July 30, 2008 03:26      Profile for HalfVast     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I think a lot of guys are like me. I spent time
in my twenties just sure that women were
sending not-so-subtle hints my way only to find out
I was very very mistaken. By my late twenties
I would await some clear plain english indication
before continuing forward. I think a lot of guys after a
while have a default setting, 'she's not really flirting
with me, she's just being nice', and will assume any
interest is just mature friendliness. This is probably
true of any man who has 'finally gotten over himself'
and realized he's not gods gift to women. [Big Grin]

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Colonel Panic
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Icon 1 posted July 30, 2008 05:23      Profile for Colonel Panic         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by geekygoddess:
Are guys intimidated by strong, independent women?

Not this guy!

And I like the way you've asked the question here, GeekyGoddess -- in the plural, "women."

Take your question a little further into a situational say if two women asked, "Me and my bisexual roommate think you're yummy; would you like to come home with us and play "Adam & Eve & her girlfriend Cinnamon?"

I'd find that agreeable.

CP

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shentzu
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Icon 1 posted July 30, 2008 07:01      Profile for shentzu     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by fs:
quote:
Originally posted by geekygoddess:
Are guys intimidated by strong, independent women?

You are asking the wrong question.

The question you should be asking is "Do I want to be with a guy that is intimidated by strong, independent women?"

If the answer is "no," then being strong and independent and making the first move if you want to is just part of the selection process.

i second that.

my SO made the first move, and if will power showed like physical strength she would be the mental equivalent of one of those poster guys on muscle magazines.

there was a comic once, from the helen sweetheart of the net series i think, where she says that she is strong and driven and aggressive and he is nurturing and passive...

"i am the man in the relationship and you are the woman!" she says "what do you think about that?"

"i don't worry my pretty head about it"

story of my marriage.

and ignore all the sex laced posts here. just forget the whole societal "male role, female role" and try following the role of "person." in other words, a little respect for boundaries and all, but walking up and saying "hey, i am interested, wanna go see a flick and grab a coffee?" is a good thing.

and good luck.

to Quote steve Martin, "there is someone out there for everyone, even i you need a pick axe, a compass, and night googles to find them."

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Set a man by a fire and you keep him warm for a day, but set a man on fire and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.

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tweety
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Icon 1 posted July 30, 2008 10:27      Profile for tweety   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I wanted to add a clarification to my earlier post in way of relaying the exact conversation (okay, as exact as I remember) when I finally did ask the future Mrs Tweety (FMT) out. Please keep in mind that she was the one maneuvering the conversation.

(Quick backstory: In previous conversations with FMT I had mentioned that I wasn't going to ask anyone out, I would wait for them to do the asking.)

Me: Hi, so, uh, what are you doing tonight?

FMT: Oh, I was just going to go out for coffee. By myself.

Me: Really? By yourself?

FMT: Yeah. What about you, any plans?

Me: Um, no, not really. (Turning real, all-natural, just been boiled beet red.) By yourself, huh? Maybe, uh, maybe I could join you? Would you like to grab some coffee with me?

FMT: Are you asking me out?

Me: Uh, yeah. Yes I am.

FMT: I thought you weren't going to do the asking, you were going to wait for the girl to do it.

Me: True. But, for you, I can make an exception.

BTW I was informed, last night, that it's been years since I've been promoted to Admiral in the Clueless Service. It appears that my high ranking is fully deserved as I've been wholly unaware of the promotion for so long.

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If I were a good man I'd talk to you more often than I do.
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IT, A Philosophy

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MC43
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Icon 1 posted July 31, 2008 07:20      Profile for MC43     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Not only do I like strong independent women, I NEED a strong independent woman. I have a lot of trouble starting up the conversation, so I need them to take the offensive and light up that spark that I'll never start. I'm afraid of the fire that might ensue.

But... that's just me. I'm trying to work on that.

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Aditu
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Icon 1 posted August 02, 2008 09:02      Profile for Aditu     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Question - if it bugged him that you asked, would you still want him?

I met my significant other at a science fiction convention and made the first move to talk to him and suggest going to eat. Worked for me. 10 years next year.

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robohackmaster
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Icon 1 posted August 29, 2008 13:23      Profile for robohackmaster     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
well, i'll tell ya...

Sometimes i'll be the chaser and won't get that certain "something" that lets me know things are mutual... and the whole thing just burns down...

than, there are times when I am the chased and not just in a subtle way. I was in a almost 2-year relationship in which i constantly invented excuses for my unhappiness... one night i go out with a friend who i haven't seen in years because she had been in a nightmare 5 year banger where the dude would keep her under lock and key, anyway she brings along this super smart and cute friend who i very casually chatted with during the night.

Not really thinking anything of it, the next time we all hang out she's kinda seeing this one dude but when she's not around him, shes all over me whispering that she wants to do things that would "get me in trouble with my girlfriend"... but she respects the current issue and says to call her if i ever breakup...

Well, after 2 days of realizing that if i'm even thinking about another girl, than this is probably the time to end it...

Well, after about 4 more days, we all hangout again and my friend brings up my recent development, and it's like the exact opposite from the previous night, just total awkwardness all around...

Which, i understand is to be expected, but at the same time left me a little confused. Now, i really don't seek out anyone, i think the change is still a little too fresh and theres a part of me that just wants to regain what makes me, me.

Well, sorry if that kinda went in another direction from your original question... just trying to share...

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shparks
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Icon 1 posted August 31, 2008 23:54      Profile for shparks   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by geekygoddess:

What do you think of the woman making the first move?

I would prefer if women made the first move.
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geekgoddess
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Icon 1 posted September 15, 2008 17:55      Profile for geekgoddess     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I say if you have the balls for it, go for it [Big Grin]

My stepmother first met my Dad when she was interviewing for a job. Apparently she sat across his desk from him and told him that she didn't want to work for him, she wanted to date him. Their first date was the Friday of that same week and they were married 2 1/2 months later.

I'm really really really shy with guys in the romantic sense, so I've never pursued anyone before. Every guy I've ever dated has had to make the first move. I only wish I could be so gutsy [hearts]

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Cjad the Nord
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Icon 1 posted March 17, 2009 13:49      Profile for Cjad the Nord     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I've always made the first moves and taken the risks in starting most of my relationships, though there was an occasion when I was approached first and I was quite charmed by the experience. Then again, I've never been one to accept standard gender roles.

So get out there. If there's a guy you like, then go for it; the worst thing you'd have to deal with is rejection, and believe me, guys get just as worked up asking you girls out as you probably will. If he says no, then you can say you tried. If he says yes, then it's entirely possible he was probably just too shy to ask you out first. [Eek!] ( [Wink] )

EDIT: Bwuaha, didn't notice the date. Sorry for thread necromancy!

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