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Author Topic: How do I to get closer to a shy geek guy?
Crazy Girl
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Icon 5 posted May 15, 2006 16:04      Profile for Crazy Girl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
We met at work and I have had a huge crush on him for about 7 months. I did confide to a friend who also works there I like him and she thinks he likes me too but just doesn't know how to handle the situation. I think she called him socially challenged.

We work together a few nights a week. I mostly see him on breaks and I drive him home from work (he doesn't drive). We have gone out after work (with other co-workers) twice and both times we had a good time. I am the one who invited him along both times.

He spends most of his time with MPORPG and the rest of his time is spent with friends playing video games and watching sci-fi movies.
I don't know that he has ever had a serious girlfriend and to my knowledge he hasn't even had a girlfriend for a long time.

He is the most incredible guy I have ever met. I enjoy every minute I get to spend with him even when it is just the two of us staring at each other because neither of us can come up with something to say. When we do manage to talk to each other we are always making each other laugh and we have plenty in common.

I started writing him notes a few months ago and leaving them in his work area. At first they were funny & goofy notes but they have gotten to be more of me just writing about regular stuff these days. If I forget to leave him one he will ask me why I didn't but he never has commented on the content of the notes and he never has written me back. Last month I gave him one with 20 things I like about him, hoping that would be a huge clue that I like him. He quit doing a bunch of things I put in the note and I thought I scared him off. For example, I put that I love when he sings in the car. He hasn't sung one word since on the ride home.

Sorry this is getting long.

I don't know where to go from here. Do I just tell him I like him? Do I ask him out, just the 2 of us? Do I just wait to see if he ever makes a move?

Reasons I think he may like me: 1. He is constantly looking at me (& I obviously only know this because I am looking at him so he could be looking at me to see if I am looking at him) 2. He touches me and gives me hugs 3. He gets tongue-tied and cannot talk around me 4. He likes when I write him notes and visit him during breaks. He really acts different around me compared to everyone else at work. He will come over and stand next to me but not say anything. With other co-workers he avoids them unless he has something to say to them.

Thanks

Posts: 22 | From: Crazy World, USA | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged
Metasquares
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Icon 1 posted May 15, 2006 17:57      Profile for Metasquares   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
If he's shy, the best thing to do is be direct. If there's any excuse for ambiguity, he'll take it.
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YaYawoman

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Icon 1 posted May 15, 2006 18:57      Profile for YaYawoman     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Oh fer cryin out loud, one night when you are driving him home stop for some coffee and gently but firmly lay it out for him and help him connect the dots. You could be kind about it and tell him to let it settle in his head and ferment a bit and then get back to you when the speechcenter in his brain clicks back on. On the other hand a swift boot to the head and a demand to know what is up with him might work too. Hahahah, dont forget the eye contact.
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uilleann
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Icon 1 posted May 15, 2006 19:16            Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hm..... Just a thought... You say he stopped doing those things you told him he liked. I think I can identify with the idea of suddenly realising that someone's noticed something you've done; for some reason, that can feel horrible! (Although contrary to any sense!)

I'd suggest you be a little bit careful about the process of asking him out or otherwise introducing him to how you feel. You've got to do it, but don't be too suprised if it scares the living shit out of him! I think it would have that effect on me ... Fantasies are moderately safe but when faced with a real prospect of being together with a person introduces all sorts of worries and fears that were not previously being considered or were filtered out, and creates a sense of panic and a desire to run away from it all.

I just wish I knew of a really good way for you to take things further without causing too much panic.

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YaYawoman

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Icon 1 posted May 15, 2006 19:36      Profile for YaYawoman     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
If all else fails there is always the classic:

Naked, with beer. [Big Grin]

I cant believe we all missed this people(myself included) what the hell is wrong with us?

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Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted May 15, 2006 20:11      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by YaYawoman:
I cant believe we all missed this people(myself included) what the hell is wrong with us?

Ehh, don't be too hard on yourself, YaYa! Remember, you're still recovering from surgery and anesthesia! [Razz]

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Posts: 3849 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged
MacManKrisK

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Icon 1 posted May 15, 2006 20:30      Profile for MacManKrisK     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Okay, he definitely likes you. Thing is he's very self-concious (a common cause of shyness) and your "20 things" note made him REALLY self-concious.

He's also inexpierenced, and he's afriad of coming on too strong, or perhaps he sees what is going on but just doesn't believe it (a likely possibility). I agree with uilleann, you don't want to scare the crap out of him, and just announcing to him that you like him might do just that. Shy guys are oft-trampled upon and he may feel like you're setting him up for you to come back and kick him down, OR he might become INSANELY self-concious around you and really freak out and that's just not good.

Get his e-mail address and AIM (or whatever IM client) screen name. Steph and I basically got to know each other through IM, and for a geek that is really the best way. When we had our first date I felt like I already knew her very well, even though I'd only /really/ talked to her (in person) once before.

IM's have a way of quelling shyness by virtute of removing the self-conciousness that comes from real-time conversation. That is, in an IM you can edit what you say before you hit Send and that is a perfect situation for a self-concious/shy person who may be worried about saying the wrong thing. Once he gets to know you a little through IM, he will open up to you in Real Life as he will gain a firm sense of your conversational boundries and taboos. Don't hold back in the IMs, be open and honest and yourself. Then, use the tool of IM to ask him on a date, something informal, but that lets you talk to one another a bit. Not calling it a "date" will help things too.

It may be hard for you, but the best thing to do is GO SLOW, give him time to feel you out and to clarify to that nagging voice in his head that, yes, his senses really /aren't/ decieving him! When he's ready/able to speed the current up, he'll let you know.

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get rich and you still die"


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uilleann
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Icon 1 posted May 15, 2006 20:44            Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hm, good point. There is that: you and the girl get on really well, and yet somehow never dare to truly believe she might like you. It's just ... so impossible.

Some of you (not Crazy Girl obviously) might remember the huge thread hijacks that skylar and I undertook years ago: throughout all of that, I don't think I ever really dared entertain the idea that she could really be interested in me (and she was). It's when you realise that they genuinely do like you that you get a horrible shock and freak out and want to call it all off, run, and hide. Even when it's online (seeing as we lived about 150 miles apart).

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zesovietrussian
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Icon 1 posted May 15, 2006 22:11      Profile for zesovietrussian     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by YaYawoman:
If all else fails there is always the classic:

Naked, with beer. [Big Grin]

I cant believe we all missed this people(myself included) what the hell is wrong with us?

Sounds like a wonderful idea, but here's an even better one, which still involves beer and nakednes. Show up fully clothed with beer, make him drink the said beer, then leave the room and come back nekkid. If that doesn't accomplish anything, he's clearly ghey, or should I say brokeback [Razz] .

On a more serious note, start off as friends, and take it to the next level once you get to know each other well enough. In the worst case, you'll make a good friend, otherwise, sky's the limit.

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maia
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Icon 1 posted May 15, 2006 22:45      Profile for maia     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Crazy Girl:

How do I to get closer to a shy geek guy?

You don't.

[Razz]

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Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted May 16, 2006 01:30      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Where's the girl who went to Europe with her geek-crush? I only remember her Xanga name. She may have some advice for you.

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zesovietrussian
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Icon 1 posted May 16, 2006 08:11      Profile for zesovietrussian     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Rhonwyyn:
Where's the girl who went to Europe with her geek-crush? I only remember her Xanga name. She may have some advice for you.

Either that, or lots and lots of horror stories - if she ever comes back, that is [evil]
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uilleann
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Icon 1 posted May 16, 2006 08:54            Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Comes back...? Wtf? There's no escape! You never get out of here alive. There's no escaaapppe!!!! [1]
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

zzzzzt. *click*

Anyhow. Random thought, you could just snuggle him softly -- no words, just cosiness. A lot faster than than the whole being-friends route, but it would depend on what, if anything, he's afraid of!

Heck it might even depend what he's looking for in a relationship. You'd better be hoping that he's the "normal" type instead of screwed up like me, looking for a same-sex (hobby/interest) friendship and a romance combined. Let's hope he's the easy type =)

/*
 [1] Though I did hear that a spoonguard might do the trick. Urk.
*/

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zesovietrussian
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Icon 1 posted May 16, 2006 09:06      Profile for zesovietrussian     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by uilleann:
Comes back...? Wtf? There's no escape! You never get out of here alive. There's no escaaapppe!!!! [1]
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

zzzzzt. *click*

Anyhow. Random thought, you could just snuggle him softly -- no words, just cosiness. A lot faster than than the whole being-friends route, but it would depend on what, if anything, he's afraid of!

Heck it might even depend what he's looking for in a relationship. You'd better be hoping that he's the "normal" type instead of screwed up like me, looking for a same-sex (hobby/interest) friendship and a romance combined. Let's hope he's the easy type =)

/*
 [1] Though I did hear that a spoonguard might do the trick. Urk.
*/

That would work, but it's always a good idea to get to know the person first. I tried the "faster route" once, ended up falling for that girl, then couple months later found out she's into all this funky Demos-type stuff which potentially involves objects normally found in a torture chamber. I know lots of people would kill to find a chick who's into that, not me though... Hence, this whole "get to know the person before you do anything" idea.
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uilleann
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Icon 1 posted May 16, 2006 09:35            Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Depends what they've learnt from each other over the past seven months including on all those car journeys. And whether he's hiding secrets about fetishses and stuff that have yet to come out.

But this is the thing, it's a minefield where the mine locations are far from obvious. Like I said, I hope he's the "normal" type of guy, and not preposterously screwed in the head like me :)

Us shy blokes don't, unfortunately, come with manuals. Nor would it ever be feasible to write one.

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Thorned0Fortress
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Icon 1 posted May 16, 2006 10:09      Profile for Thorned0Fortress   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yes, my first geek was very shy in that the only female he could picture himself with was a chick from anime. It took a while, but we finally got together.
Watch out, though, because after we split he had a gigantic ego. *yuck*
He 'loved' a different girl about every other week, and couldn't understand why he wasn't as irresistable to them I he was to me.

Good Luck !

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Mochan
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Icon 1 posted May 16, 2006 10:36      Profile for Mochan     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Last month I gave him one with 20 things I like about him, hoping that would be a huge clue that I like him. He quit doing a bunch of things I put in the note and I thought I scared him off. For example, I put that I love when he sings in the car. He hasn't sung one word since on the ride home.
Wow, your geek is a bit weird, very different from girlygirl's geek. Well, what you were doing is right: hang around him AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.

What I don't get though is why he stopped doing things you told him you like about him. Could you list those 20 things you wrote down? That would help int he analysis of what's going through his geeky mind.

What I'm thinking is he may have been embarassed that someone was watching him so closely so as to pick up so many of his mannerisms. Like it or not, this is sort of an invasion of privacy, kind of voyeuristic actually, and if this geek is the "keep to myself" type of geek then maybe he felt you just stripped him naked or something.

If this is the case, this tells me that you have a LONG way to go with him. [Wink]

Also, he probably doesn't like being the center of attention, and probably has some kind of complex where he doesn't like people studying him/pointing out things about him/talking about him. In his youth people probably picked on him and pointed out all sorts of things about him and it made him feel bad.


quote:
Do I ask him out, just the 2 of us? Do I just wait to see if he ever makes a move?
Only if you relish the idea of getting a boyfriend at age 60.

Initiative, girl! Initiative! Geek men are horrible at it in general.


quote:
Reasons I think he may like me:
1. He is constantly looking at me (& I obviously only know this because I am looking at him so he could be looking at me to see if I am looking at him)
2. He touches me and gives me hugs
3. He gets tongue-tied and cannot talk around me
4. He likes when I write him notes and visit him during breaks.

1. Very big indicator. Geek men don't normally look at women much. If they do, it's because they can't keep their eyes off: which means they are severely attracted, either physically or mentally (probably both).
2. Does he touch and give other girls hugs, too? If so, this means nothing. If not, HUGE indicator.
3. See #2
4. Doesn't mean much, could be a friendly thing, don't read too much into this particular one just yet.


Try looking through girly girl's thread on her geek, it's in this forum. See if anything in that thread is helpful to your situation. I'll get back to you shortly.

Macmankrisk gave some very good advice: if you can, use the net to get to him. Geeks are very comfortable on the net.

quote:
Yes, my first geek was very shy in that the only female he could picture himself with was a chick from anime. It took a while, but we finally got together.
Yeah, sounds just like me! Heheh. Where do I go to meet someone like you, Thorn? [Smile]
Posts: 118 | From: Manila | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged
Crazy Girl
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Icon 1 posted May 16, 2006 17:01      Profile for Crazy Girl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Wow! Thank you all so much for all your thoughts.

MacManKrisK - When I see him tomorrow I will try to get an email or IM. I know he spends many hours a day on his computer and thats would be a good way to get to know him better. Kicking myself for not thinking of it.

Mochan - Here you go ...
20 things I like about you
1. You sing in the car
2. You talk to your Nintendo DS
3. Your smile
4. You can scare me (at work we try to scare people)
5. Your hugs
6. The way you think
7. The way you laugh
8. Yay sugar! (inside joke)
9. You know when to stay quiet and when to talk
10. You are caring, kind & considerate
11. You donít fold your laundry
12. The way you smell
13. You can make me laugh
14. Disorganized organization
15. You trip over your feet too
16. Youíre a good listener
17. Youíre ticklish
18. You can reach stuff I canít (I'm 5'1", he's 6'5")
19. You can fix my PC when I break it (at work)
20. You know Iím weird and like me anyways

He quit singing in the car, talking to his DS, and hasn't attempted to scare me. I have caught him singing at work when he thought he was alone [Big Grin] .

I have not seen him touch or hug anyone else.

You have all scared me a bit with anime chicks and fetishes [Eek!] . He is very into anime.

He seems "normal" from everything we have talked about over the past 7 months. Hopefully I don't find any mines.

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Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted May 16, 2006 18:07      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Okay, so if you're close enough to this guy to know he's ticklish and doesn't fold his laundry, you shouldn't be having this much difficulty deciding where to go next. But that's just a kneejerk reaction. [Wink]

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Geordie

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Icon 1 posted May 16, 2006 19:24      Profile for Geordie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
All I can say is why do people make this stuff so hard. I am starting to think naked with beer* is actually the answer!


*by the way it is usually a good idea to make sure the person is actually home before standing outside their door naked... whether with beer or not.

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Geordie

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Crazy Girl
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Icon 1 posted May 16, 2006 19:29      Profile for Crazy Girl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Rhonwyyn:
Okay, so if you're close enough to this guy to know he's ticklish and doesn't fold his laundry, you shouldn't be having this much difficulty deciding where to go next. But that's just a kneejerk reaction. [Wink]

[crazy] Call me crazy. I do know lots about him. I guess I am afraid of coming on too strong and freaking him out.

We hang out together at work and on the ride home, which has given me opportunities to learn some stuff about him. He is still rather quiet and shy around me and has not really opened up. Most of what I know is because I asked him.

I know he is ticklish because I chased him down and tickled him at work one night after he scared me (we work third shift).

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Crazy Girl
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Icon 1 posted May 16, 2006 19:31      Profile for Crazy Girl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Geordie:
All I can say is why do people make this stuff so hard. I am starting to think naked with beer* is actually the answer!


*by the way it is usually a good idea to make sure the person is actually home before standing outside their door naked... whether with beer or not.

If either one of us drank beer I would take you up on your suggestion. Naked with Mountain Dew may work for him.
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uilleann
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Icon 1 posted May 16, 2006 19:38            Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
What, and someone thought my suggestion was too extreme? :-P
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Mochan
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Icon 1 posted May 16, 2006 19:45      Profile for Mochan     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Rhonwynn
Where's the girl who went to Europe with her geek-crush? I only remember her Xanga name. She may have some advice for you.

She's still in Europe. It was a 21-day trip, remember? [Smile]

I forgot her Xanga name. lil squirrel or something right? I remember her name here (girlygirl).

quote:
uillean
[1] Though I did hear that a spoonguard might do the trick. Urk.

Okay, you got me. What is a spoonguard?!!


Okay, back to Crazy Girl (lol, the first one was a girly girl, now it's a crazy girl. HAHA!), I read through the rest of the thread thoroughly this time (just skimmed it earlier while at work).

First off, the way things are going, I'd say DO NOT tell him you like him. I don't quite get how your geek ticks but something tells me doing that will totally scare him off. I know I said take some initiative (trust me, you'll need it) but somehow this guy looks like he'll break into pieces if you do something that daring. And yes don't show up naked with beer, he might vaporize.

What really weirds me out is how this guy is already practically your boyfriend (you drive him home everyday, know how he does his laundry, get hugs and touchies and hang out and leave him notes everyday, go out on "groupdates", etc.), yet somehow acts as if you're surrounded with broken glass that he practically has to tip-toe all around you. I don't get it at all. Not that that means much: there's a lot to interpersonal relationships that I simply do not get. Period.

What I *do* get is that he is totally into you. Or at least that he is attracted to you. He hugs/touches you but nobody else? That's the goldmine! I think geek men in general do not like touching other people. I don't touch people much. But lately I've been trying to get into the groove of touching other women and stuff; mostly it's "camouflage" so that when I do go around touching the girl I like it won't look so out of place (bleh am I being sneaky?)

About your 20 Things List:

Okay so he stopped talking to his DS, stopped scaring you, and apparently stopped trying to sing while in your presence. Hmm, have you caught him singing in other people's presence (without you?) Could you ask around with the people near his cubicle on whether he sings around them? I'm a bit curious about this point.

Some things about the list seem like they could be embarassing: tripping over his feet (even if you meant to endear him to you by pointing out something you had in common), the way he smells, the 'don't' fold laundry bit, these could seem like embarassing comments. They might have come across the wrong way. Though granted that doesn't explain why he stopped doing some of the other things.

Has he made it a point to stop doing all 20 things on the list? It just boggles me. Maybe he thinks you are teasing him about that list, so he took it the wrong way and is trying to stop doing them because he thinks you find those list of 20 as things that annoy you? I know you haven't overtly told him that you like him or anything, so maybe he thinks you are one of those pretty girls out of his reach, and that you can't *possibly* be saying you like him or anything about him, and that your list was actually more of an attack or a tell-off in his mind.


Also, do you know any of his friends? Try approaching one (the more discreet ones would be better) and fish around for info. Somehow I get the impression this guy is SSB (single since birth, aka no real girlfriends since then).

See if his friends know whether he is looking for a girl right now, whether he wants one in a romantic way, whether he is looking for "buddies" to share his hobbies with, or what not. This kind of info is important for your game plan.

One thing about using the net: yes use the net but somehow I think you shouldn't stop writing those notes that you leave for him. One would think it's more practical to send him email rather than notes, but I think in this case the notes serve some kind of special purpose.

Also how long have you guys known each other? You've liked him for about 7 months, but how long since you guys first became aware of each other's existence, and how long since he started acting "differently" towards you?

Oh, and are you into cosplaying? Maybe someday you can cosplay as his favorite anime girl, that would be a major treat for him. [Smile]

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uilleann
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Icon 1 posted May 16, 2006 20:06            Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
A spoonguard is there to protect you from the spoon menace, of course.

The list, though, is a bit freaky. Leaving him notes sounds adorable, but the contents of the list, as Mochan says, are a bit suspect -- they sound like the sorts of honest things a geek will write that could very well be taken the wrong way as there is some ambiguity as to whether they're positive or negative. And as someone pointed out, we're rather more used to people having made fun of the things that we did that weren't (in the eyes of stupid people) "normal" or acceptable. If the things on the list were all unambiguously cool, it would help. I imagine he's plenty smart enough to figure out you mean well, but little seeds of doubt in our minds wreak havoc with the smallest of ambiguities!

[Edit Actually, the fact that you notice some of those tiny little things (the more positive ones at least) may well set his heart aglow; it's a lovely feeling to know that someone has a special place in their heart for your little traits and individuality!]

But my feeling is more that he's just self-conscious and doing them again will make him feel in the spotlight. If you've told him that you pay special attention to a certain activity, he'll realise that doing it again will be putting him centre-stage and some of us don't like that idea!

I personally disagree with the view on touching, I crave touch almost more than anything in the world. It seems like he's somewhere in the same camp.

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