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» The Geek Culture Forums   » Love!   » Guys, Guys, Guys!   » Compassion and Men!!! (Page 1)

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Author Topic: Compassion and Men!!!
happy2bindian
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Icon 8 posted March 01, 2006 05:25      Profile for happy2bindian         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Can someone teach them what compassion means??
I am assured today that they are born without it.
Why dont they try to understnad what Iam saying? WHY???

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Ashitaka

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Icon 1 posted March 01, 2006 06:04      Profile for Ashitaka     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I think a better post would be to ask how I can teach my significant other (or former S.O.) compasion. You should be careful not to stereotype half the worlds population.

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"If they're not gonna make a distinction between Muslims and violent extremists, then why should I take the time to distinguish between decent, fearful white people and racists?"

-Assif Mandvi

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drunkennewfiemidget
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Icon 1 posted March 01, 2006 06:09      Profile for drunkennewfiemidget     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Compassion is only given to those who deserve it.
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Astronomer Jedi
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Icon 1 posted March 01, 2006 06:25      Profile for Astronomer Jedi   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Perhaps giving us some back story might enable us mere males to help you. Try to refrain from sweeping, grandiose statements unless they are in jest. We're not all incompassionate bastards.

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Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?

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dragonman97

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Icon 1 posted March 01, 2006 07:28      Profile for dragonman97   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Wow.

Well fsck you, too! [Wink]

Oh wait...

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There are three things you can be sure of in life: Death, taxes, and reading about fake illnesses online...

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Jace Raven

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Icon 1 posted March 01, 2006 07:33      Profile for Jace Raven         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Being an asshole is all a part of my unquestionable Manliness!
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drunkennewfiemidget
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Icon 1 posted March 01, 2006 07:52      Profile for drunkennewfiemidget     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Jace Raven:
Being an asshole is all a part of my unquestionable Manliness!

That, and throat punches. [Wink]
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Astronomer Jedi
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Icon 1 posted March 01, 2006 08:29      Profile for Astronomer Jedi   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Then there's the farting, burping and constant 'readjusting' in public places. [Razz]

Seriously though, h2bi, no-one can help you with your problem unless you explain it to us.

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Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?

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garlicguy

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Icon 1 posted March 01, 2006 08:59      Profile for garlicguy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by happy2bindian:
Why dont they try to understnad what Iam saying? WHY???

Well, perhaps this has something to do with it:

You are a nut-case!

[Big Grin] YMMV

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I don't know what I was thinking... it seemed like a good idea at the time.

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MacManKrisK

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Icon 1 posted March 01, 2006 09:13      Profile for MacManKrisK     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Women and men communicate very differently. Men use words more exlusively, we say what we're thinking, where as women rely on body movements, and nonverbal communication much more.

It isn't that we have no compassion (generally... let me remind you that there are people of both genders that are compassionless) but simply that we don't understand your language style; we don't get your "hints," and we don't pick up on your body language. Only after lengthy training can a man really learn to pick up body language and other nonverbals that women use (yes, I'm serious).

Read John Grey's "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." It truly is an insightful book and brings to light the exact problems that arise when we both use the same words, but speak a different language.

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"Buy low, sell high
get rich and you still die"


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Jace Raven

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Icon 1 posted March 01, 2006 11:04      Profile for Jace Raven         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Found this to be pretty accurate

http://www.icircle.com/html/SEX/Love_dilemmas/ARTICLE/12158.html

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Grummash

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Icon 1 posted March 01, 2006 12:50      Profile for Grummash     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
namaste happy2bindian

In answer to your question "Why dont they try to understnad what Iam saying? WHY???", I think MMKK was very much along the right lines.

For example, generally speaking, when a man says something that is exactly, literally, what he means - no more and no less. But when a women says something, that is just the bare bones of the message, and most of the meaning has to be interpreted from body language, and other behaviour. Unfortunately, this is not how men communicate, and so quite often we get it all wrong.

This difficulty works the other way too. As I have said to Mrs Grummash, if you want me to do something you have two choices:

1) Ask me, and then I'll do it.
2) Tell me, and then I'll do it.

If you drop me a hint about something, it will never happen. Men don't do hints. If we spot 'em, we ignore 'em.


Anyways - welcome to the forum [Smile]

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...and yet, across the gulf of space, minds immeasurably superior to ours regarded this earth with envious eyes...

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drunkennewfiemidget
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Icon 1 posted March 01, 2006 13:23      Profile for drunkennewfiemidget     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Grummash:

If you drop me a hint about something, it will never happen. Men don't do hints. If we spot 'em, we ignore 'em.

*phew* happy to know I'm not the only one who ignores the hints he does receive.

It's not because I want to be ignorant -- I just don't want to run the risk of misinterpretation, which is always inevitably far worse than not noticing at all.

*holds amanda a little tighter for just saying what she damned well means*

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GrumpySteen

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Icon 1 posted March 01, 2006 16:49      Profile for GrumpySteen     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
My job can loosely be described as technical support. I am the very model of compassion as long as you are still under warranty or a maintenance contract, otherwise you're going to need to give me a purchase order.

Hmm... I think I may have found a way to solve a lot of relationship problems! [Wink]

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Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted March 01, 2006 16:53      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Purchase order=="I want this. Buy it for me." ? [Wink]

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GrumpySteen

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Icon 1 posted March 01, 2006 18:39      Profile for GrumpySteen     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Only one person gets to order me around like that, but her orders are generally a bit weird and don't involve buying anything. [Wink]

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fs

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Icon 1 posted March 02, 2006 19:22      Profile for fs   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by happy2bindian:
Can someone teach them what compassion means??
I am assured today that they are born without it.
Why dont they try to understnad what Iam saying? WHY???

Men don't come telepathically enabled out of the box. And, unfortunately, in order to correctly set the jumper, you need specialized tools like a Sawzall. And it's really messy. And they don't appreciate the effort at all.

Using the voice response system, you can provide audio input. It is necessary to speak clearly and say exactly what you mean.

DO:
Him: Are you upset?
You: Yes.
Him: Why?
You: You didn't say happy anniversary yet, and we've been together 3 whole months.
Him: I'm sorry, I didn't know it was important. Would you like if I made dinner reservations for tonight and we could go out?

DON'T:
Him: Are you upset?
You: No. (sigh)
Him: Oh.
You: (sigh)
Him: (flips channel)
You: (sigh louder)
Him: (continues flipping channels)
You: (cries)
Him: Are you sure nothing is wrong?
You: No. *sniff* nothing is wrong *sob*
Him: (confusedly) If nothing is wrong, why are you crying?
You: *sob* If you have to ask you obviously don't understand! *sob*
Him: Well, tell me and I'll try?
You: *sob* You don't care! *sob* (fleeing room and slamming door)

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I'm in ur database, makin' moar recordz.

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Jace Raven

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Icon 1 posted March 02, 2006 20:04      Profile for Jace Raven         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
[EDIT] Dont post while intoxicated... [/EDIT]
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Elvermere
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Icon 1 posted March 02, 2006 21:38      Profile for Elvermere     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Firesnake, I think you have truly captured the essence of male/female relations! I think pretty much every guy has been in EXACTLY the "Don't conversation". And I must admit it raised a chuckle in me!

Ladies: As a general rule you need to be, not only honest but also blatant/brutal/blunt in what you tell us. As a clue, if your male is looking like a bunny in the headlights (ie. We are sitting there thinking wtf is this crying about), you need to more blunt in what you are saying.

My wife and I came to an understanding a long time ago. She had to become more blunt in telling me what was going on. I had to be more patient while she got it out. This has worked very well so far as she can tell me "You're not listening" and I know there is something I'm missing. On the other hand, if I know something is missing I'll say "You aren't being clear" or something like that.

I'd say that it isn't anything about compassion, it's more about opening a dialogue that both partners can participate in.

This post is long enough already, otherwise I'd go on to discuss how women (actually it's more like non-geeks) sometimes require a bit of silent support rather than possible solutions.

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It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

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Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted March 02, 2006 21:49      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
One of the things my boy likes about me is my propensity to say what I'm thinking. It's saved us a lot of hassle and mind games. I'm glad he appreciates it, 'cause if he didn't, we wouldn't get on too well. I say what I think, which sometimes errs on the side of indiscretion. [Frown]

Elvermere... you're spot-on about men typically wanting to fix things. I struggle with this myself: I hate listening to people's problems and not being able to provide a solution, but many times all people want is someone to show they care by actively listening.

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Change the way you SEE, not the way you LOOK!

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csk

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Icon 1 posted March 02, 2006 21:58      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Rhonwyyn:
Elvermere... you're spot-on about men typically wanting to fix things. I struggle with this myself: I hate listening to people's problems and not being able to provide a solution, but many times all people want is someone to show they care by actively listening.

Seconded. I've noticed it more often in females than males, but I know I for one sometimes feel like just being listened to without "solutions" being reeled off. Of course, the more closely the listener can relate to the situation, the better their advice is likely to be. So when in doubt, just emphathise without advising [Wink]

Actually, it's an interesting transition between dealing with people like the "DON'T" case and people more like the "DO" one. I then find myself doing my own don'ts, so to speak.

Her: Fine.
Me: What do you mean fine? Something's upsetting you
Her: Really, I'm fine.
Me: But we all know fine doesn't mean fine! Fine means "something's wrong, and you've got to work it out all by yourself. Neener neener!"
Her: Well, when I say fine, I mean it.

etc

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6 weeks to go!

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fs

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Icon 1 posted March 02, 2006 22:03      Profile for fs   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thanks to "typical woman" I have endured the following conversation sooooo many times.

Him: What's wrong?
Me: Nothing.
Him: No, really. What's wrong?
Me: Nothing.
Him: (worried) Are you upset?
Me: No.
Him: (very worried) Did I do something?
Me: (getting annoyed) No.
Him: I knew you were upset! Why are you upset?
Me: (frustrated) Because you won't quit asking me why I'm upset!

Now, "what's wrong?" arouses fight-or-flight instincts for me.

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The Famous Druid

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Icon 1 posted March 03, 2006 04:01      Profile for The Famous Druid     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Mrs Druid and I had this conversation recently...

Mrs: I need to do X
Mr: Why?
Mrs: (a couple of minutes describing why she needs to do X)
Mr: How exactly do you plan to do X ?
Mrs: (three minutes describing why she needs to do X)
Mr: Yes, I understand why you want to do it, but not how.
Mrs: (4 minutes describing why she wants to do X)
Mr: Fine.
Mrs: What's the matter ?
Mr: Can we just drop it please?
Mrs: No, what's the matter?
Mr: You didn't answer my question.
Mrs: What was the question?
Mr: How do you plan to do X ?
Mrs: (4 minutes describing why she wants to do X)
Mr: Fine.
Mrs: What's the matter ?
Mr: Can we just drop it please?
Mrs: No, what's the matter?
Mr: You didn't answer my question.
Mrs: What was the question?
Mr: You've explained why you want to do it, but not how you're going to achieve it.
Mrs: (5 minutes describing why she wants to do X)

... repeat until brains leak out through ears ...

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If you watch 'The History Of NASA' backwards, it's about a space agency that has no manned spaceflight capability, then does low-orbit flights, then lands on the Moon.

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Daniélín Aine
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Icon 1 posted March 03, 2006 04:58      Profile for Daniélín Aine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Originally posted by FireSnake:
DON'T:
Him: Are you upset?
You: No. (sigh)
Him: Oh.
You: (sigh)
Him: (flips channel)
You: (sigh louder)
Him: (continues flipping channels)
You: (cries)
Him: Are you sure nothing is wrong?
You: No. *sniff* nothing is wrong *sob*
Him: (confusedly) If nothing is wrong, why are you crying?
You: *sob* If you have to ask you obviously don't understand! *sob*
Him: Well, tell me and I'll try?
You: *sob* You don't care! *sob* (fleeing room and slamming door)

I think this happens much more often than the "do" list. Comprimise is key here. If we try to be more plain with what we say and you don't have to play a 20Q game to find out what's wrong a lot of grief could be avoided. Sometimes it would be nice if you could just figure it out, though.

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"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
Abraham Lincoln

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Chesty
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Icon 1 posted March 03, 2006 05:43      Profile for Chesty         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I have plenty of compassion. I have compassion for all the chicks I've dumped. I feel sorry for them because they were complete psycho raving lunatic nutcases that I just couldn't stand to be around.

Now I have a deal with my wife - If you have a problem you want a solution to, tell me and I fix it. If you want to kvetch, call a girlfriend, or your sister.

Then I randomly say "You're right", "I know" or "I'm sorry" whenever she pauses.

happy as can be.

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