homeGeek CultureWebstoreeCards!Forums!Joy of Tech!AY2K!webcam

The Geek Culture Forums


Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | | search | faq | forum home
  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» The Geek Culture Forums   » News, Reviews, Views!   » The Joke Bank!   » How a computer progammer slays a dragon...

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: How a computer progammer slays a dragon...
Luke Skywalker
Assimilated
Member # 3096

Member Rated:
3
Icon 1 posted February 26, 2007 19:58      Profile for Luke Skywalker     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
...and wins the princess.
I got this off of one of my other forums a while ago. Feel free to edit/add for languages and make new ones.
--------------------------------------------------
Java - Arrives, finds the dragon, develops a n-tier framework for dragon slaying, writes many articles about the framework but never slays the dragon.

.NET (saying this is very hard to me) - They all try to copy the idea of the javanese, but when trying to implement it, they fail and sometimes are devoured by the beast. See more in their specific entries.

J# - makes a functionals sword, but when he tries to run it in Java's virtual machine, he finds out it's running on the wrong framework. The sword program is never opened. In despair, his eyes meet the dragon's eyes and he's devoured by the beast.

C - arrives, stares at the dragon with an air of superiority, pulls a pocket knife, beheads the dragon, finds the princess, but ignores her and goes checking the the last checkins in the CVS of Linux's kernel.

C++ - creates a base pocket knife and gathers functionalities untill he has a sword so complex that only he can understand... Slays the dragon but crashes on the middle of the bridge due to memory leaks.

C++ in .NET - The programmer installs the .NET framework, but never does anything else important. He copies his code from Bloodshed Dev C++ 5.0 and pastes it into Visual Studio 2005 without a single modification. Now, instead of getting memory leaks, he can't even compile his code, so he just stays at home, watching all the other programmers making the way to the dragon, with a degree of envy in his gaze.

C# (that's me) - creats a super-hyper-mega-ultra weapon of mass dragon slaying with only 10 lines of code, but doesn't have the slightest idea of how the weapon works and misfires during the first test, killing himself.

COBOL (before .NET)- arrives. Looks at the dragon thinking he's so old he can't beat a creature that big and just gets the princess out of the castle and goes away with her.

COBOL.NET - thinks he's fresh and young and strong after drinking some water from the fountain of youth, but fails to adapt to OO concepts. In his confusion, he's devoured by the beast.

Pascal - takes 10 years preparing for the creation of a dragon annihilation system... When he arrives there he finds out that his program only accepts monitor lizards as inputs.

VB (before .NET) - builds a dragon slaying weapon out of many components, takes on the dragon in a fight but, after making his first move, finds out that his sword only works during rainy nights.

VB.NET or VB 2005 - Runs a code updating wizard on the above programmer's code. Corrects all the errors. Makes a superb weapon that works independent of the weather or hour. Gathers the components from the C# programmer and makes the ultimate weapon. And then he discovers that his weapon only works in his territory and he can't port it to the castle where the dragon and the princess are.

PL/SQL - collects data from other dragon slayers, creates tables with N relationships of ternary complexity, data in three dimensions, OLAP, takes 15 years to process all the information. Meanwhile the princess has become a lesbian.

Ruby - arrives with a god damm good fame, saying that he is the best all round. When he meets the dragon, displayes a video showing himself slaying a dragon. The dragon feels tedious and eats the programmer.

Smalltalk - arrives, analyses the dragon and the princess, then turns his back to them and walks away, for they are too inferior to him.

Shell - creates a verty powerful dragon slaying weapon, but in the most important hour of the fight, he can't remember how to use it.

shell(2) - he arrives with a 2 lines script that kills, slashes, disembowels, chops and impales dragons. But when he runs it, the script actually enlarges and enrages the dragon, besides adding alcohol to its flames.

ASSEMBLY - this alien/demon/sith thinks he's doing the most correct, clean thing, but mistakes A's for D's and vice-versa. Ends up slaying the princess and fornicating with the dragon.

Fortran - develops a solution with 45000 lines of code, slays the dragon and marches towards the princess... But she calls him "old geezer" and runs, seeking the Java guy, who was charming and rich.

FOX PRO - develops a dragon slaying system that is shiny and beautiful on the outside, but a patchworld in the inside. When he executes it he notices how he forgot to index the DBF and is devoured by the dragon.

PROCESS ANALYST - arrives with two metric tons of documentation on how to kill a generic dragon, develops a super complex flowchart to liberate the princess and marry her, convinces the dragon that all this is going to be good for it and painless. When executing the process he ponders the effort and amount of damage, the signatures of George W. Bush, the pope and the EU president for the plan, then buys two nuclear bombs, forty-five cannons, an aircraft carrier ship, hires three hundred men who are armed to their teeth, when he actually only needed the sword that was on his hand all the time.

CLIPPER - makes a routine that loads an array of codeblocks to insult the dragon, put the moves on the princess, load the sword to the memory, slay the dragon, spill condensate milk with strawberries on the naked body of the princess, having sex with the princess, taking a shower, turning on the car, filling the tank and going home. When he runs it, gets a message saying "Bound Error: Array Access", and is devoured by the dragon.
__________________

--------------------
Use the Force, Luke.

Posts: 406 | From: The Line Between Time and Space | Registered: Nov 2004  |  IP: Logged
nerdwithnofriends
Uber Geek
Member # 3773

Icon 1 posted February 26, 2007 21:17      Profile for nerdwithnofriends     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Python: could create his own sword in only a few lines of code, but decides to slack and choose between the ones already created by Java, C/C++, LISP or .NET instead. Afterwards, he dazzles the princess with his pure syntactic handsomeness.

LISP: defines a sword that slashes the dragon once, and if the dragon is dead, it stops. Otherwise, it tells itself to slash the dragon and check if it's dead, ad infinitum. Princess is dismayed by all the parentheses she sees in LISP.

Perl: the sword is efficient and exists in one line of code, but nobody's really sure how it works because they can't understand it. Princess is impressed because she's heard the word 'perl' and knows that it has something to do with webservers and must therefore be perfect for every job.

--------------------
"The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top of a mountain or in the petals of a flower." - Robert M. Pirsig

Posts: 948 | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged
spungo
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 1089

Member Rated:
4
Icon 1 posted February 27, 2007 06:35      Profile for spungo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Ada: uses shock and awe with her DoD support, nukes the dragon, and then has a torrid camo-clad fling with the princess, who has inadvertently discovered her desire for 'the code that dare not speak its name.' The eventually have an enduring-unity ceremony in San Francisco.
Posts: 6529 | From: Noba Scoba | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged
GameMaster
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 1173

Member Rated:
4
Icon 1 posted February 27, 2007 06:53      Profile for GameMaster   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Prolog: Proves that it is possible to slay the dragon with a toothpick. Then tries to prove if sex with the princess is possible, but gets the typical prolog error, "No." Doesn't bother to leave home after that.


qbasic: Builds the perfect dragon slaying tool, and charges at the dragon with it, but just before he gets to the dragon gets suck in maze of endless goto statments.

--------------------
My Site

Posts: 3038 | From: State of insanity | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
Zwilnik

Solid Nitrozanium SuperFan!
Member # 615

Member Rated:
4
Icon 1 posted February 27, 2007 08:14      Profile for Zwilnik   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
FORTH: writes a super fast dragon slaying and princess rescuing application, but gets confused by the reverse polish notation and ends up rescuing the princess and feeding her to the dragon.

--------------------
The Universe is entirely made up of elements.
The most important of which is the element of surprise.

Posts: 1040 | From: West Sussex, UK | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged
TheMoMan
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 1659

Member Rated:
4
Icon 1 posted February 27, 2007 08:40      Profile for TheMoMan         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
AND THE DRAGON SAYS _____________________ "BURP" " that was good."

--------------------
Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.


Benjamin Franklin,

Posts: 5848 | From: Just South of the Huron National Forest, in the water shed of the Rifle River | Registered: Sep 2002  |  IP: Logged
drunkennewfiemidget
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 2814

Member Rated:
4
Icon 1 posted February 27, 2007 09:30      Profile for drunkennewfiemidget     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'd suggest the perl one would look more like:

Writes a 10 line program that can kill 37 different types of dragons, beautifully logs and reports how the killing went down, and monitors the dragon's vital signs until its dead.

... unfortunately, the program doesn't work on this particular dragon, and the hero is eaten while he fetches the required modules to kill this kind of dragon from CPAN.

Posts: 4897 | From: Cambridge, ON, Canada | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged
uilleann
Discontinued


Icon 1 posted February 27, 2007 09:39            Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm worried that anyone's using GOTO in QBasic ... sheesh, QBasic is procedural! (QuickBasic is even modular) However, it's needed for error handling and I do have "ON ERROR GOTO FuckOff" in one of my programs because for some stupid reason you have to GOTO out of the current function when an error occurs (and then RESUME NEXT to bounce back into it again -- why did I have to leave it at all?)
IP: Logged
dragonman97

SuperFan!
Member # 780

Member Rated:
4
Icon 1 posted February 27, 2007 10:52      Profile for dragonman97   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I object to this thread, you insensitive clods. [Smile]

(But on that note, I'd second newf. [Big Grin] )

--------------------
There are three things you can be sure of in life: Death, taxes, and reading about fake illnesses online...

Posts: 9332 | From: Westchester County, New York | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
GameMaster
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 1173

Member Rated:
4
Icon 1 posted February 27, 2007 10:54      Profile for GameMaster   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by uilleann:
I'm worried that anyone's using GOTO in QBasic ... sheesh, QBasic is procedural! (QuickBasic is even modular) However, it's needed for error handling and I do have "ON ERROR GOTO FuckOff" in one of my programs because for some stupid reason you have to GOTO out of the current function when an error occurs (and then RESUME NEXT to bounce back into it again -- why did I have to leave it at all?)

At the time basic, basica and qbasic were being used, goto wasn't a taboo. While qbasic is procedural, you are apt to run into goto statments in the average qbasic program. The comment was about the average qbasic user.

--------------------
My Site

Posts: 3038 | From: State of insanity | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
stevenback7
SuperBlabberMouth!
Member # 5114

Member Rated:
4
Icon 1 posted February 27, 2007 12:09      Profile for stevenback7   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Turing - After 42 hours decides that writing the code to draw a sword is to tedious so insteads changes one coordinate so everything is hot pink.

--------------------
Comic Book Guy: There is no emoticon for what i'm feeling.

Posts: 1199 | From: Canada eh? | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged
uilleann
Discontinued


Icon 1 posted February 27, 2007 15:40            Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
GameMaster: I started out on a 16k 1981 home micro BASIC that had procedures/subroutines with local variables, heap allocation (but no de-allocation!) and an inline macro-assembler.

If anyone was still abusing GOTOs all that time later (QBasic was what, MS-DOS 5?) then they really, really needed to get their head out of their ass. So did Microsoft, having failed to implement the move command until MS-DOS 6. Some people really have no clue. You're going to have a lot of dead princesses ...

IP: Logged
GrumpySteen

Solid Nitrozanium SuperFan
Member # 170

Icon 10 posted February 27, 2007 15:54      Profile for GrumpySteen     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
QBasic + uilleann = A simple sword is created quite easily, but it appears across the room. The refusal to add a GOTO SWORD statement results in him being devoured by the dragon.

--------------------
Worst. Celibate. Ever.

Posts: 6364 | From: Tennessee | Registered: Jan 2000  |  IP: Logged
uilleann
Discontinued


Icon 10 posted February 27, 2007 16:56            Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Oh how you know I'd love that :) Don't tempt me :P
IP: Logged
Metasquares
Highlie
Member # 4441

Member Rated:
5
Icon 1 posted February 27, 2007 16:58      Profile for Metasquares   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Visual Basic ameliorated that mistake somewhat by allowing you to "on error resume next", which was invariably followed by "if err...".
Posts: 664 | From: Morganville, NJ | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged
Ugh, MightyClub
BlabberMouth, the Next Generation
Member # 3112

Member Rated:
5
Icon 1 posted February 27, 2007 17:25      Profile for Ugh, MightyClub     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Even so, VB6 error handling remained abysmal. I haven't seen the .NET version yet. Did they finally (ahem) add try(), catch() and finally() blocks?

--------------------
Ugh!

Posts: 1742 | From: Ithaca, NY | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
Richard Wolf VI
SuperBlabberMouth!
Member # 4993

Icon 10 posted February 27, 2007 20:04      Profile for Richard Wolf VI   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
MATLAB: Makes a quintic function based in group theory in order to find the weak points of the dragon while it defines the z orbit of an imaginary sword within the Julia set and determines the integrals for the princess application. Unfortunately, all the procedure was theoretical and never materialized, besides he was resource hungry and devoured both the dragon and the princess.

--------------------
The same old iWanToUseaMac... Who am I fooling? I'm getting a Wii now, iWanToUseaMac isn't :P
Get Opera. The best web experience.
Contest. Group. Success.

Posts: 1356 | From: Bogotá, Colombia | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged
Stormtalon
Mini Geek
Member # 1163

Member Rated:
5
Icon 1 posted February 28, 2007 08:43      Profile for Stormtalon   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
(delurks)

Here's a challenge for y'all:

Add joke entries based on the languages described by this fellow here.

Should be able to get some funny stuff outta a few of those....

Posts: 73 | From: Minnesota | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged
WinterSolstice

Solid Nitrozanium SuperFan
Member # 934

Member Rated:
3
Icon 1 posted February 28, 2007 09:51      Profile for WinterSolstice     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
BrainF**K:

Two operators shift the dragon completely off the stack, then while attempting to escape with the princess you realize you can't read any of it and get lost.

--------------------
An operating system should be like a light switch... simple, effective, easy to use, and designed for everyone.

Posts: 1192 | From: Los Angeles | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Metasquares
Highlie
Member # 4441

Member Rated:
5
Icon 1 posted March 05, 2007 06:26      Profile for Metasquares   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Ugh, MightyClub:
Even so, VB6 error handling remained abysmal. I haven't seen the .NET version yet. Did they finally (ahem) add try(), catch() and finally() blocks?

Probably. I'm not bothering to learn VB.NET since it's supposed to be very similar to C# - if I pick up one, I bet the other follows very quickly.
Posts: 664 | From: Morganville, NJ | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged


All times are Eastern Time  
Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply Close Topic    Move Topic    Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:

Contact Us | Geek Culture Home Page

© 2015 Geek Culture

Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM 6.4.0



homeGeek CultureWebstoreeCards!Forums!Joy of Tech!AY2K!webcam