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Author Topic: All your Cheney jokes belong to us
Snaggy

Sir Snaggalot!
Member # 123

Member Rated:
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Icon 10 posted February 23, 2006 11:43      Profile for Snaggy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
From Daniel Kurtzman,Your Guide to Political Humor.
Late-Night Jokes About Dick Cheney's Shooting Accident

"Dick Cheney said he felt terrible about shooting a 78-year-old man, but on the bright side, it did give him a great idea about how to fix Social Security." --Bill Maher

"Not to worry, the man who was shot left the hospital today, and they said he was in good condition -- a little gamey, but still moist." --Bill Maher

"To the vice president's credit, he did own up to it. On FOX News he said the fault was his, he can't blame anybody else. Boy, it's amazing, the only time you get accountability out of this administration is when they are actually holding a smoking gun." --Bill Maher

"Rumors are that the reason Dick Cheney didn't say anything about the hunting accident for about 24 hours was because he had been drinking. And I'm thinking, well jeez, he was probably drinking when we planned the invasion of Iraq." --David Letterman

"Over the weekend while on a hunting trip down in Texas, Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a member of his hunting party. He apologized. In fact, he told Brit Hume that he was actually trying to hit Cindy Sheehan." --Jay Leno

"Cheney now says he can't blame the shooting on the guy who got shot. He said we tried that for three days. It didn't work." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney gave an interview to Fox News. Some are accusing Fox of giving softball questions. My answer to that is, 'Well, does a vice
president shoot in the woods?'" --David Letterman

"Cheney also admitted that he'd been drinking. He said he had one beer. Okay, it was a 40-ounce Colt .45, but just one." --Jay Leno

"They were in a car, they drive along, they get out of the car, he shoots his friend in the face, then they get back in the car and they go hide for 18 hours. That?s not hunting ... that's an episode of 'The Sopranos'" --Jay Leno

"See, this is why Republicans have to commit white collar crimes to steal money. They're just not good with guns, they don't know how to handle them." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says he is standing behind the vice president. Way behind him." --Jay Leno

"The real question now is, is this a one-time thing, or will the vice president try to kill again." --David Letterman

"I'm surprised Dick Cheney loves to hunt so much. The five times the government tried to give him a gun, he got a deferment." --Jay Leno

"What a nightmare I had last night. I dreamed I was at a Washington party and I had to choose between Dick Cheney taking me on a hunting trip or Ted Kennedy driving me home." -- Jay Leno

"The rumor is that Cheney may have been drinking and he wanted to wait until he sobered up. So he may have been drinking and then he shot a guy. And you know what's really scary about all of this -- what if it turns out all this time Bush was the smart one?" -- Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt ... making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird." --Jon Stewart

"The Vice President is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Whittington. Now, according to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78- year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Wittington's face." --"Daily Show" correspondent Rob Corddry

"Here's my favorite part of this whole incident. After Cheney shot the guy, the police later showed up at the ranch where Cheney was staying and wanted to talk to him, but was told to come back the next morning. And that's what they did, they came back the next morning. Kev, that ever happen in the hood?" -- Jay Leno

"There is a little discrepancy about what happened on this hunt, because Ann Armstrong, the woman who has this ranch, said there was no alcohol involved, and Dick Cheney said he had one beer. So apparently, Dick Cheney can't keep his rifle, his story, or his daughter straight." -- Bill Maher

"What I don't understand about this whole thing is that the guy who got shot, this is his statement today, he said my family and I are deeply sorry (his face got in the way) for everything the vice president and his family had to go through this weekend. Wow, that is one loyal Republican. He also referred to the buckshot wound in his face as '1,000 points of light.'" --Bill Maher

"He sat down for a one-on-one with Fox News. Very bold choice. Dick Cheney sitting down with Fox News is like Mrs. Butterworth sitting down with the Pancake Channel." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Kind of a sad study out today that single women over the age of 35 are more likely to be shot by the vice president than to find a husband." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wiretapping illegal?'" --Jay Leno

"You know what they say, if Dick Cheney comes out of his hole and shoots an old man in the face, six more weeks of winter." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But all kidding aside, and in fairness to Dick Cheney, every five years he has to shed innocent blood or he violates his deal with the devil." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The guy Cheney shot is a Texas lawyer. While he was lying there on the ground he actually handed himself his own business card." --Jay Leno

"It turns out now that Dick Cheney did not have a license to hunt, and coincidentally, turns out we didn't have a license to go into Iraq." --David Letterman

"Remember when the most embarrassing thing to happen to a vice-president was misspelling the word potato?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"If this story gets any bigger, pretty soon they're going to have to tell the president." --David Letterman

"When the ambulance got there, out of force of habit they put Cheney on the stretcher. No, the other guy!" --Jay Leno

"He is a lawyer and he got shot in the face. But he's a lawyer, he can use his other face. He'll be all right." --Craig Ferguson

"You can understand why this lawyer fellow let his guard down, because if you're out hunting with a politician, you think, 'If I'm going to get it, it's going to be in the back.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Apparently the reason they didn't release the information right away is they said we had to get the facts right. That's never stopped them in the past." --Craig Ferguson

Posts: 8111 | From: Canada | Registered: Jan 2000  |  IP: Logged
Ashitaka

SuperFan!
Member # 4924

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Icon 1 posted February 24, 2006 14:11      Profile for Ashitaka     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Vice president Cheney "This Dick doesn't shoot blanks"
Posts: 3089 | From: Switzerland | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged
drunkennewfiemidget
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 2814

Member Rated:
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Icon 1 posted February 24, 2006 14:23      Profile for drunkennewfiemidget     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
It's been said Cheney might run for head of the republican party, and thus, president.

His campaign motto is tentatively, "I shot a lawyer!"

Polls show him with > 50% of the votes based on that fact alone.

Posts: 4897 | From: Cambridge, ON, Canada | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged
Colonel Panic
BlabberMouth, the Next Generation
Member # 1200

Icon 1 posted February 24, 2006 15:00      Profile for Colonel Panic         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
"Kev, that ever happen in the hood?"

Now I have to clean beer of the screen. Too funny.

CP

--------------------
Free! Free at last!

Posts: 1809 | From: Glacier Melt, USA | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
TMBWITW,PB

Member # 1734

Member Rated:
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Icon 1 posted February 24, 2006 16:40      Profile for TMBWITW,PB     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
To reprint something I posted elsewhere:

This is the man that Dick shot.

This is the ammo that hit the man that Dick shot.

This is the gun that held the ammo that hit the man that Dick shot.

This is the trigger that fired the gun that held the ammo that hit the man that Dick shot.

This is the finger that pulled the trigger that fired the gun that held the ammo that hit the man that Dick shot.

This is the reflex rumpled and worn, that signaled the finger that pulled the trigger that fired the gun that held the ammo that hit the man that Dick shot.

This is the quail who coos in the morn, that started the reflex rumpled and worn, that signaled the finger that pulled the trigger that fired the gun that held the ammo that hit the man that Dick shot.

These are the hunters all clad in orange, who look for the quail who coos in the morn, that started the reflex rumpled and worn, that signaled the finger that pulled the trigger that fired the gun that held the ammo that hit the man that Dick shot.

This is the license renewed no more, held by the hunters all clad in orange, who look for the quail who coos in the morn, that started the reflex rumpled and worn, that signaled the finger that pulled the trigger that fired the gun that held the ammo that hit the man that Dick shot.

This is the warden tired and bored, who issues the license renewed no more, held by the hunters all clad in orange, who look for the quail who coos in the morn, that started the reflex rumpled and worn, that signaled the finger that pulled the trigger that fired the gun that held the ammo that hit the man that Dick shot.

This is the office with windows and door, which houses the warden tired and bored, who issues the license renewed no more, held by the hunters all clad in orange, who look for the quail who coos in the morn, that started the reflex rumpled and worn, that signaled the finger that pulled the trigger that fired the gun that held the ammo that hit the man that Dick shot.

--------------------
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye."
óMiss Piggy

Posts: 4010 | From: my couch | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged


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