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Author Topic: Disorder in the American Courts
Matias
Highlie
Member # 4216

Member Rated:
5
Icon 6 posted August 31, 2005 16:32      Profile for Matias   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
_______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

--------------------
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

Posts: 516 | From: The Land of the mouse.... | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged
Frost
Geek
Member # 1267

Member Rated:
5
Icon 2 posted September 01, 2005 01:27      Profile for Frost     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
My uncle was a lawyer and I once asked him if it bothered him that there were so many despariaging jokes about the profession. He said "No, what bothers me is that there's so much truth to them." [Roll Eyes]

--------------------
Success requires no explanations, Failure permits no alibis.

Posts: 217 | From: USA | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged
Dauthúr
Maximum Newbie
Member # 3247

Icon 1 posted September 01, 2005 02:21      Profile for Dauthúr   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Frost:
My uncle was a lawyer and I once asked him if it bothered him that there were so many despariaging jokes about the profession. He said "No, what bothers me is that there's so much truth to them." [Roll Eyes]

Your uncle knows what's going on. [Smile]

--------------------
Take off every 'Sig'. You know what you doing

For great justice.

Posts: 18 | From: Boston, MA | Registered: Jan 2005  |  IP: Logged
drunkennewfiemidget
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 2814

Member Rated:
4
Icon 1 posted September 01, 2005 05:31      Profile for drunkennewfiemidget     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Frost:
My uncle was a lawyer and I once asked him if it bothered him that there were so many despariaging jokes about the profession. He said "No, what bothers me is that there's so much truth to them." [Roll Eyes]

The lawyer at my last job told tonnes of lawyer jokes.
Posts: 4897 | From: Cambridge, ON, Canada | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged
dragonman97

SuperFan!
Member # 780

Member Rated:
4
Icon 1 posted September 01, 2005 08:38      Profile for dragonman97   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Ahh...great stuff...thanks for the much needed laugh. [Smile] Somehow I especially like the doctors putting the lawyers in their place... [Big Grin]

--------------------
There are three things you can be sure of in life: Death, taxes, and reading about fake illnesses online...

Posts: 9331 | From: Westchester County, New York | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
supaboy
SuperFan!
Member # 183

Member Rated:
5
Icon 1 posted September 01, 2005 09:01      Profile for supaboy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
The ex-wife of one of my friends, a lawyer herself, said it was only 99% of lawyers that gave the other 1% a bad name.

She also drew up the papers when they got divorced, and did such a good job on them that the judge remarked on it!

Posts: 1767 | From: Columbia, SC USA | Registered: Jan 2000  |  IP: Logged


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