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T O P I C     R E V I E W
Tom- geeking around
Member # 2876
 - posted December 14, 2006 06:47
Hello all.

Just wanted to let you all know publicly that it's now all over.
What am I refering to? The relationship with the older woman of course.

She broke up with me over ICQ a while ago. Many of you lingering on IRC will know that. She was just paying me back that I slightly neglected her during high-stress times when I had tests at college. I sent her a text message to her cell in the morning, called her during my lunch break and usually talked to her in the evening over ICQ.
I thought that this was sufficient. She didn't...
Me not paying her the attention she deserves hurt her so she hurt me. Ok, how childish.

She broke up with me. I accepted it. After a week she sent me a text message and we started to talk.
It turns out that she expected me to come back to her. We thought about trying again.
She wanted me to show her my feelings towards her and rebuild the trust and feelings that got destroyed.
I thought that I can show her whatever I have for her but that I cannot rebuild a relationship entirely on my own.
Then we met again.
She was kinda distanced to me, but still somewhat playful and somewhat encouraging. But not overly enthusiastic and not really in a "hey, I want this too, so I'll contribute and work hard too"-way
So I pointed out to her that I'd expect her to meet me halfway. But she kinda said she doesn't want to invest because she is unsure if I can make it so she doesn't want to spend effort on something not working out anyway.

I kinda let that just pass and the evening was over.
Today we talked via ICQ again. She asked me to think about my feelings and be sure what I want and then tell her. I said I will and let her know once I know. She then said "okay. you know what? let's just forget it"..
And then I couldn't take any further blows to my dignity and pride. It was too much.
I said that she played me like a game and manipulated me. She took whatever I offered to her no matter what the cost for me.
I kinda paid her back what she dealt to me.
She called me childish, immature, arrogant and dumb.

I just let all that pass and answered "We could have had a great time. You know that. The next time your hubby is annoying, think about me. Goodbye, I'll give my hear to a woman who doesn't break my heart to boost her ego."
And that was pretty much when she left ICQ (or blocked me, whatever).

I consider this the irrepearable and definite end.

Just felt like sharing with you guys.
Those of you who've talked to me about it (ICQ, IRC) will know a lot background knowledge.
Thanks for being here and patching my broken heart and broken dignity everybody!

You'll no longer need to fear my cries =)

Black Widow
Member # 3046
 - posted December 14, 2006 07:08
Sorry about the breakup Tom. [Frown]

Older women aren't all bad. [Razz] I'm 8 years older than my husband. I'm not saying run out and find yourself an older woman again, or right away. You just need to find yourself a woman who can understand where you are at and accept what you can give in a relationship at this time.
Member # 2814
 - posted December 14, 2006 07:26
And try dating a woman who isn't married next time.
Member # 2854
 - posted December 14, 2006 08:28
Wait. She was MARRIED?!! You never told me that! Of course it's going to end badly. Duh!

Sorry, no sympathy from me. If she had actually been available, yeah, I'd take pity on ya, but knowing she was married? How could a smart guy like you expect the relationship to go anywhere?
Member # 3446
 - posted December 14, 2006 08:49
Gay. [Roll Eyes] [Wink]
Member # 2071
 - posted December 14, 2006 08:59
Rhonnie not everyone on these boards is a committed Christian with strong views on the sanctity of marriage. You might be surprised to know that quite a few strong long term relationships, and even marriages have less than ideal beginnings.
Member # 5566
 - posted December 14, 2006 09:16
Hey Tom,

That took a lot of courage to go public with this. You know you'll always get some sort of emotional support from me. :-)

Catch ya later!
Member # 736
 - posted December 14, 2006 09:46

She was using you. You're better off without her.
Member # 2097
 - posted December 14, 2006 11:35
Originally posted by Callipygous:
Rhonnie not everyone on these boards is a committed Christian with strong views on the sanctity of marriage.

Calli, in Rhonnie's defense, Tom had already mentioned elsewhere that she was only interested in getting an itch scratched.

Edit: Plus it is in poor form to be messing with married people anyhow. It only creates chaos. Whether or not you are a fan of the "sanctity of marriage" bit. You only hop in the sack with someone in a relationship when you do not plan on getting involved. Any person that does otherwise is being foolish.

And I think that a few people had already warned him about the odds.

This is a hand in the blender scenario. And unfortunately it wasn't once, but multiple occasions.

I wish you luck Tom. But keep out of the stink for a while. It will be better for you in the long run.
Member # 1941
 - posted December 14, 2006 16:32
Man, sorry to hear about that Tom, not good. No matter about how or why you got there, you're finding yourself in a situation where you've been really hurt, and I feel for you.

I will, however, put my two cents worth in on a couple of points. IMO getting involved with someone who is deeply committed to someone else, or has been up until recently is a bad idea. If she was married but separated long term, that's a different story, but if there was subterfuge involved in hiding it from her husband, that's a big red flag.

Secondly, I'm in the reverse of your former situation, in a relationship with a significantly younger woman, but still legally married (separated for almost three years though). I've found that as long as I don't dwell on it, the age difference thing doesn't bother me, and doesn't cause problems. However, my tendency is to assume that I should know more and be more experienced due to the age gap, and then when I get it wrong and she gets it right, I feel even worse. Sounds like your ex was feeling superior due to the age difference thing, hence the "immature", etc.

Thirdly, the "you're not making enough time for me" thing is no fun to be caught in. I would think the text-lunch call-evening ICQ would be enough, too, but either she needs way more attention than that, or she needed something different. In any case, sounds like you're better without her, she was doing your head/heart in...
Too Cool To Quit
Member # 2217
 - posted December 14, 2006 17:33
And not just his.

If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you. Just keep that in mind for the rest of your life.

As far as the age gap thing goes, I say it's 18 to 80, so no qualms there from me.
Member # 1177
 - posted December 14, 2006 18:46
Looks like everybody's forgetting about the possibility of the hubby finding out and introducing the lovely couple to his old friend, Mr Rusty Chainsaw.
Member # 1941
 - posted December 14, 2006 19:05
Originally posted by zesovietrussian:
Looks like everybody's forgetting about the possibility of the hubby finding out and introducing the lovely couple to his old friend, Mr Rusty Chainsaw.

Hey, I said "big red flag", I just didn't spell it out [Wink]
Member # 1177
 - posted December 14, 2006 19:35
Originally posted by csk:
Originally posted by zesovietrussian:
Looks like everybody's forgetting about the possibility of the hubby finding out and introducing the lovely couple to his old friend, Mr Rusty Chainsaw.

Hey, I said "big red flag", I just didn't spell it out [Wink]
Yep, and in this case, the big red flag had a somewhat remote yet very real possibility of turning into a big red mess of mangled flesh and bone fragments. That spelled it out pretty well, didn't it? [Wink]
Tom- geeking around
Member # 2876
 - posted December 15, 2006 02:27
Thank you all for your sympathy and comments!
Many of you posted stuff that I feel deserves a response.

It was clear to me from the very beginning that the relationship is going into a dead end. Or that the relationship has an expiration date, but only that the date is smudged out.
In the beginning we both agreed that we can't seperate feelings from sex. You can believe me that or not, your choice. So we agreed that if we start something - it'll be based on feelings. Thus, creating a relationship within the boundaries of her failed marriage.
What I didn't expect was that she played me like a fiddle, manipulated me and hurt me. That's what I am mourning about, not that the relationship is over - that was no big surprise to me.

I never expected it to go anywhere. I just didn't expect her to really play me and hurt me that much on purpose.

Yes, messing with married people is bad. It's not that I was the one who started it all though. We both tried to get an itch scratched and have a relationship.
I will keep out of things for a while and take my time to fully recover.

Thanks =)
Yes, she definitely does feel superior. In between break ups she said things like "Come on, if you don't do this/that you don't deserve me anyway." or "well, if you don't feel this way you don't deserve me".
She did demand both- more attention and attention on a different level. I guess I paid her my attention and effort on a level she maybe didn't want my attention on or didn't receive the signals.

Yes, getting caught would be bad. It's like playing hide and seek and you better not get caught.

After all, I didn't mind the age gap that much. She wasn't overly more mature than I was, she was just feeling superior due to the numbers.

To all those who I didn't respond to personally right now, thank you too! You know who you are, I appreciate your sympathy.


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