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T O P I C R E V I E W
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supergoo
Member # 2280
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 posted September 30, 2006 20:45
I'm in somewhat of a predicament.
I don't want a relationship. I see a relationship as a big time committment and a huge source of stress. In the past I have been unhappy being someone's girlfriend. So far in the first month of college I've turned down two potential suitors.
At the same time, I've started to become painfully lonely. I have good friends here, but it's not quite the same. Just as a side note, there are ~300 students here on a relatively isolated campus.
In short, the trouble isn't with finding someone, but correcting an inherent problem within myself. I'm not even sure what this problem is. Suggestions?
That is all.
goo
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MacManKrisK
Member # 955
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posted September 30, 2006 21:00
goo: I don't want to jump to conclusions here, but it sounds like you might be expirienceing depression. The chemical imbalance depression.
I can understand you not wanting a relationship because of the hassle and such, but what really concerns me is that you say you're feeling lonely.
The simplest advice is just to get out more, but if you feel lonely or alone in a crowd or party, then that doesn't really help you and can actually make it worse. (I speak from expierence.)
You may want to see a counseler or psyciatrist. Your school most likely even provides these services for free.
*sigh* Then again, I might just be jumping the gun here, but if you're feeling lonely, please seek help if it gets worse.
I'm a PM away if you need me...
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nerdwithnofriends
Member # 3773
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posted September 30, 2006 22:06
Maybe it's the fact that you are so close to those 300+ other students? I know that I /hate/ the dorms. I don't mind not doing having anything to do, but I like not doing it in the privacy of my own home. I hate being around people 24/7, like I'm always on. Part of the problem is that it seems like I'm surrounded by people, so I should have more friends and be more social, right?
Wrong. When I stop and look at it logically, I have met quite a few people at college that I hang out with on a regular basis. But there's a far larger number of people who I don't know, and I think that bugs me 'cause I'm around them so much.
Of course, I also think my roommate is a fat piece of shit, so my dorm life kinda sucks when I'm in my room.
Anyways, for me it's gotten to the point where I'm willing to spend $40.00 USD a weekend just to drive 120 miles home and back, because at least at home I don't feel bad just vegetating around in my house.
Anyways, just some food for thought. Maybe comparing your situation to mine will reveal some insight.
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uilleann
Member # 1297
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posted September 30, 2006 22:42
You mean, as in alone amongst a crowd? Yep ... Being completely alone can be easier.
But it's also completely possible to want a relationship and not want one at the same time. The human mind seems quite able to give you an emotional view of exactly one side of a situation, totally disregarding all the other angles and misleading you entirely -- it comes as a shock to remember all the other sides to the story. Of course, it can be both a positive or a negative angle that the mind singles out.
Don't we all want a relationship without all the hassles and stress and uncomfortable situations and limitations (travel, parents etc)?
But it would help to identify exactly what it is you are truly longing for ... Are you sexually frustrationed? Craving true friendship (emotional friendship)? In need of mathematical/scientific buddies or people with which to share other deep intelletual pursuits or hobbies? Just more good time? This is actually the hard part -- working out what's actually missing from your life.
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The Famous Druid
Member # 1769
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posted October 01, 2006 01:27
To misquote the late great Hunter S Thompson...
"I've never advocated alcohol or sexual excess to anyone...but it's always worked for me."
You're in your first year at university, drinking and bonking like a crazed rabbit is a time-honoured tradition.
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Elvermere
Member # 2456
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posted October 01, 2006 06:30
I've think that I've got to agree with uilleann, you need to figure out what it is you are missing. I'd even go so far as to hazard a guess that you may be homesick, and are missing the comforts of home. While you may have some good friends on campus, there is certainly nothing like a friend that you can share old times with. I'm certainly like that. I've got friends I've known for years, and while I don't see them weekly (or even monthly in some cases) it doesn't matter when we do catch up. We just pick up from where we left off.
And from a relationship perspective, unless you are wanting one, then don't. Now I know this is one aspect which varies from culture to culture, but what is the problem with having male friends, even close male friends. Yes, sometimes the sex thing gets in the way, but if someone cares about you then they should accept you as a friend. And if a relationship is a source of stress, then I'd suggest that you are picking the wrong "suitors".
But I think that there is nothing wrong with being single. It's a great place to be while at college (succinctly put by TFD, even if I disagree with the "wenching") and don't let anyone tell you that you need a man.
But take a look at yourself and your campus friends. Why don't they get you? What do they do that you don't like/understand/find funny? And then decide what to do about it. Join a club, community service or something even off campus if that is what it takes. Miss some intellectual stimulation, join a chess or bridge club. Miss some companionship, join a ballroom dance class. Miss some bitching, write a blog, campus newsletter or something else.
Or if you have been unlucky enough to get accepted into the wrong clique of people then muster up some courage and change groups, even if that means dropping into nerdsville. Lets face it, if you are posting here then that shouldn't be such a problem.
While I'd echo the people here, get professional help if you think you need it, if you have picked up that something is going wrong this early then chances are it wont take too much rectify.
Good luck and head up. You know you've always got people to chat to here.
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stevenback7
Member # 5114
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posted October 01, 2006 10:06
To add to all the good suggestions i also advice you to find something to replace a relathionship. Sometimes the best relationship is not having a relationship at all.
Yes like druid said there are some guys who all they want is to drink and have sex but if you are feeling lonely those kinds of relationships usually are just a cover up to the bigger isue.
I would suggest is to befriend someone who is feeling just like you and also to pick up some kind of activity which reminds you of being at home without being there. My suggestion is to pick up a good mmorpg or similar and get all your geek friends involved. Besides overing hours and hours of fun it will also give you a chance to talk to people you feel comfertable around and take you away from the real world for a couple of hours.
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Xanthine
Member # 736
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posted October 01, 2006 15:18
goo, you're what, less than halfway through your first semester of your first year? This is a pretty common phenomenon among freshmen - I remember we all felt pretty alone at first. You're in this new place, among new people, you don't feel connected toanything yet, your life has just completely changed (even a welcome change can be traumatic)...it's rough. I found a relationship pretty quickly so that made things easier in some ways and more complicated in others. I'll bet your friends are in a similar boat. Get out, hang out with your friends. The solid, hard-core friendship that you're seeking will come, but it takes time for the bonds to form. And try and get off campus every now and then. It's good for your soul.
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Colonel Panic
Member # 1200
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posted October 01, 2006 20:37
Listen to Xanthine.
CP
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uilleann
Member # 1297
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posted October 02, 2006 00:07
Although I will note something. There is no rule that I know of against dating fellow students. At work, colleagues may well be off-limits (depends where you go) -- talk to dragonman if you want the horribly depressing view of this.
You have four years (I assume) around people of similar mind whom you are allowed to date. You don't have to, but it's sad if you miss that opportunity. I'm not saying to date anyone now, though, probably too early, it's only going to add to more things to cope with right now, unless you find it helps to adjust?
(I never made anything worthwhile socially of my time at university, which, although I have no idea how I could have handled it differently, is most regrettable. No love, no coding buddies, no nothing. I am also sure I was at the wrong institution but whether I'd have done better anywhere else I don't know. It would be very sad if you wasted your time at college as much as I did. But then, whereas I wasn't noticed by women, you don't seem to have any problems attracting people! You will probably do just fine after all.)
Btw, tell the stupid bastards at your college that their website still does not work without JavaScript. Open the page without JS and it opens blank, does nothing and goes nowhere. For good measure I will go tell them now also. This is just ridiculous.
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supergoo
Member # 2280
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posted October 02, 2006 01:11
Aargh, I think I was in somewhat of a funk when I wrote that. I'm better now.
My roommate and I get along very well and I make friends easily. I'm not homesick at all, which is very strange because I used to be very attached to my hometown. Now it seems as if my memory of home is slowly becoming more and more dilute with each passing day.
My current hypothesis is that a problem in high school simply Ctrl-V'd itself to college. I have always been an introvert--I'm not shy, I just prefer to spend a lot of time to myself. I'm normally content being alone, but sometimes I get sudden onslaughts of "OMG I SO LONELY WAAAA."
But as Xan said, I think that all the issues with friends/boyfriends/whatever will sort themselves out in the end.
Why did I think of that The Price is Right game Plinko when I typed "sort themselves out?" You know, the one where you drop the ball in the thing and it bounces down? Oy, it's late ![[crazy]](graemlins/crazy.gif)
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SpazGirl
Member # 4915
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posted October 02, 2006 07:15
/me gives goo a big hug
It gets better, I promise.
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