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T O P I C     R E V I E W
Stereo
Member # 748
 - posted January 18, 2011 09:25
Cause with my recent experiences, coupled with my past ones, I don't like the conclusion: "Cannot be loved as is." Stamp the report and get to work on something else, or send back to the lab once more? (I will not pretend to be someone I am not, though.)
 
spungo
Member # 1089
 - posted January 18, 2011 09:34
Never. You hang in there, girl! (Trust me -- you don't wanna end up bitter and twisted like me! [Wink] )
 
GrumpySteen
Member # 170
 - posted January 18, 2011 10:17
4:37 PM, April 12th, 2013

And identity theft is pretty profitable. Don't be so quick to rule it out.
 
TheMoMan
Member # 1659
 - posted January 18, 2011 10:19
____ "Never Give up, Never Surrender". Isn't that a line from a Tim Allen movie. I swear that the opposite gender knows if some one is looking, and they run for cover. I used to complain that "I must be using the wrong bait, wrong waters, or that the worm was dead." When I stopped looking The Mrs appeared, go figure.
 
Stereo
Member # 748
 - posted January 18, 2011 11:07
quote:
Originally posted by GrumpySteen:
4:37 PM, April 12th, 2013

And identity theft is pretty profitable. Don't be so quick to rule it out.

Sooo.... A couple of months before I turn 40. I'll remember that! [Big Grin]

Identity theft is good on short term, but turns quite incomfortable when trying to build something for the long term! ;-)
 
Xanthine
Member # 736
 - posted January 18, 2011 12:13
I've had my best results in the love department when I was most emphatically not looking. I think it's because when you're not looking, you've accepted your status and you've moved on and you've given yourself a measure of self-confidence that you lacked when you were looking. And self-confidence is attractive. Also, since the rules of attraction are badly codified and barely existent, when you're looking for a partner, you're running a serious and huge risk of over-intellectualizing a fundamentally irrational process. There's nothing rational about romance. It can not be found by seeking. It just happens.

So...go ahead. Give up if it makes you feel better. But don't be surprised if, the moment you're really feeling genuinely better, the right someone shows up.

quote:
Originally posted by GrumpySteen:
4:37 PM, April 12th, 2013

And identity theft is pretty profitable. Don't be so quick to rule it out.

[thumbsup] [thumbsup] for you, sir.
 
Stereo
Member # 748
 - posted January 18, 2011 12:54
quote:
Originally posted by Xanthine:
I've had my best results in the love department when I was most emphatically not looking. I think it's because when you're not looking, you've accepted your status and you've moved on and you've given yourself a measure of self-confidence that you lacked when you were looking. And self-confidence is attractive. Also, since the rules of attraction are badly codified and barely existent, when you're looking for a partner, you're running a serious and huge risk of over-intellectualizing a fundamentally irrational process. There's nothing rational about romance. It can not be found by seeking. It just happens.

See, the problem is, I have been "not looking" and very happy at being single for years. Then I fell in love, but he quickly ran away (I "freaked" him - he told me so much). In the healing process, I went to reconsider all my experiences, and realized that he was just the latest example in a pattern: guy is curious, guy wants to know me better, guy runs away when he knows me.

That this time I really was in love only made it more acute; I didn't mind when it was from guys I didn't have serious feeling for. Discovering that pattern hit me hard, and I couldn't find any valid reason why, *all my life*, men have been running away from me (or at the very least, kept me at "safe" distance). Something is off, and as far as I can see, it's me.
 
Xanthine
Member # 736
 - posted January 18, 2011 15:16
It might be you. But it also might be them and their expectations. If you're too far out of the standard mold for whatever men in your area expect you to be, you're in for a rough time. Everyone's got their own unique package of personal bullshit they carry with them. The trick to a working relationship is finding someone whose bullshit is compatible with yours.

That said, you strike me as pretty independent. Some men find that unnerving.
 
Stereo
Member # 748
 - posted January 18, 2011 15:39
quote:
Originally posted by Xanthine:
That said, you strike me as pretty independent. Some men find that unnerving.

That could be part of the problem, yes. Emotionally and financially independent, rather smart and opinionated... I had thought that men would like to be loved for who they are rather what they can give me. (And I am not going to play dumb to stroke a man's ego.)

I don't know where to look (or not!) anymore.
 
Xanthine
Member # 736
 - posted January 18, 2011 17:28
quote:
Originally posted by Stereo:
I had thought that men would like to be loved for who they are rather what they can give me.

Men tend to get socially conditioned to conflate the two (and, conversely, women tend to get conditioned to confuse what a man gives her with how much he loves her). This is why, when faced with a woman who doesn't particularly want or need to be taken care of, they get daunted and aren't sure how things are supposed to work. Some men can figure it out, but a surprising number can't. It sucks on both sides.

My husband springs from a rather patriarchical culture. His mother's firm belief that all children must be domesticated regardless of gender and his own nature softened most of that and he's perfectly content, even a little relieved, to have an independent wife. But, at the same time, it's been made clear to me that, while he would be okay with it if I were out of work and living off of him (not that I ever have been, this is a hypothetical) he would find the reverse situation intolerable. He can sort of swallow receiving health benefits through my job - his start-up is too new and too small for that - but he is not willing to have a wife that's the sole bread-winner. The double-standard is annoying to me but he's at peace with it and so long as I stay employed I can live with it too.
 
TheMoMan
Member # 1659
 - posted January 19, 2011 02:47
____ Wow, looking back on the last fifty years. High school dating, Coming home as a vet, failed marriage, ten years single, remarriage twenty two years now.

____ Asian cultures it seems both genders have set rules, you basically know what you are getting into.

____ European cultures are evolving and the rules are changing.

____ North American cultures, there are no rules. Baby Boomers are on a different page than their parents. Boomers children are on a different page again.

____ So where does that leave you Stereo? When you find a good companion love the present, we never know the future.
 
CW Smith
Member # 12150
 - posted January 21, 2011 19:09
During my second year in college, I had two relationships and two nasty breakups. Needless to say, it was emotionally draining and socially frustrating.

A few weeks after I decided to "stop looking," to concentrate on my studies, my music, my career, my car, anything but women for a year or two, I met Donna.

We were married 4.5 years later. And we're about to celebrate 22 years since we met. My point: even though I "wasn't looking," I had the good sense to notice Donna when I did.
 
The Famous Druid
Member # 1769
 - posted January 22, 2011 10:41
There are 2 kinds of people in the world, those who've had all of their romantic relationships fail, and those who've had all but one of their romantic relationships fail.

Members of both groups tend to think their status is permanent, but life's not that simple.
 
GrumpySteen
Member # 170
 - posted January 22, 2011 15:41
There are 3 kinds of people in the world; those who've had all of their romantic relationships fail, those who've had all but one of their romantic relationships fail and those who have never had a romantic relationship.

Members of all three groups tend to think their status is permanent, but life's not usually that simple.

FTFY
 
Grummash
Member # 4289
 - posted January 22, 2011 17:42
quote:
When is it time to give up?
When you're dead.
 
Stereo
Member # 748
 - posted January 24, 2011 07:19
quote:
Originally posted by CW Smith:
During my second year in college, I had two relationships and two nasty breakups. Needless to say, it was emotionally draining and socially frustrating. (...)

In college, I had a few crushes, but none that let to anything. And I have been out of college for over 10 years now. (And that was the second time; I have spend a total of about 7 years in college.) I have never specially been looking, expecting it would happen naturally. Turns out I was wrong.

quote:
Originally posted by GrumpySteen:
and those who have never had a romantic relationship

Thank you, this is indeed my situation. (I can't really consider that guy I loved a "relationship" - it was pretty much one-sided. He had a on-again, off-again girlfriend, probably found the difference in attitude refreshing. It was over before we met face-to-face while they are still together, and I keep hearing from him whenever they "break up" again. I came to the conclusion I am his cheerleader: the girl he comes up to when his spirit is low, but who is never allowed to play in his team.)
 
TheMoMan
Member # 1659
 - posted January 24, 2011 07:45
____ Me thinks he is using you as a fire escape when it gets too hot with her and just before he commits, he steps out onto the fire escape, you.

____ Lock the escape door, or just leave the building you deserve better than a goto.
 
Stereo
Member # 748
 - posted January 24, 2011 08:47
quote:
Originally posted by TheMoMan:
____ Me thinks he is using you as a fire escape when it gets too hot with her and just before he commits, he steps out onto the fire escape, you.

____ Lock the escape door, or just leave the building you deserve better than a goto.

That I know. I don't love him anymore either. He still is a nice guy and somewhat of a friend, but I don't get emotionally involved now. The though thing is, this is still the closest I have been to a *real* relationship - in all of my life. And "40 years old" is just around the corner.
 
TheMoMan
Member # 1659
 - posted January 24, 2011 08:59
____ Its mind over matter, If you don't mind it doesn't matter!!

____ We do not stop having fun because we grow old, we grow old when we stop having fun. Just go out side and enjoy.
 




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