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T O P I C     R E V I E W
Member # 1659
 - posted March 03, 2006 18:33
Hi to all________________Hi to everybody, a friend of Mrs TheMoMan sent this to her, The Mrs claims that
I would be tempted to try such an item upon myself, I doubt it, as I have been
educated in the arts of cattle prods, however please read.

Subject: Anniversary Gift, A Must Read for the Blues

Pocket Taser Stun Gun -- a great gift for the wife. (This was submitted
by a
guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it
against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right??!!! There
sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I
about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) but thought better of
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with
itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What
happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
as if to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS
[email protected][email protected]$$!% <mailto:[email protected][email protected]$$!%> [email protected]*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a Taser, one
of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst
be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! Some time later (I can't be sure, as
time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
little I
had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses
on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps,
right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it
been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward
their safe return.

Still in shock,
Jace Raven
Member # 2444
 - posted March 03, 2006 18:56
We did a lot of detainee handling in Iraq and I know from personal experience what it feels to underestimate 2 AAA batteries and a pocket Taser.

Needless to say the demonstration was effective.

I feel for this guy. I really do...
Member # 1734
 - posted March 03, 2006 19:18
I saw that in the best of craigslist! [thumbsup] Funny stuff! [Applause]
Member # 780
 - posted March 03, 2006 21:20
Why was he wearing a 'tank top?'
Daniélín Aine
Member # 4894
 - posted March 03, 2006 23:07
Thanks... I needed that. That made me laugh so hard my ear hurt. (It's still not better yet.)
Member # 2854
 - posted March 03, 2006 23:19
Why is this funny?
Member # 199
 - posted March 03, 2006 23:19
You know, I've got to admire this guy's presence of mind. No, not in applying the taser to himself; he showed great presence of mind in purchasing the taser instead of, say, a Smith & Wesson .38 Special. [Big Grin]
The Famous Druid
Member # 1769
 - posted March 03, 2006 23:58

I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

For the good of the Gene Pool, I hope they're never found. [Wink]

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