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T O P I C     R E V I E W
Member # 712
 - posted February 03, 2004 17:00
For many years I had thought the arcane tome that brought woe and destruction was merely some mundane curiosity held by a mad hermit living in a cave. The MORONINOMICON.... He claimed that the book was crafted by some bizzare god, and within its pages, the purest extraction of a thousand years of lack-witted, inane humanity was set forth in chilling clarity. In large script, the words "MAKE MONEY FAST!" seemed to rise with a black luster from its dull paper-like cover.

When I touched the book it had the feel of cheap polyester. "Do not tempt fate," the old man hissed. "There was a man who read this from cover to cover and decided to strap rocket engines to his Chevy... the next day he was found embedded in a canyon wall fifty feet above the road."

I had always dismissed stories of the Moroninomicon as a bogeyman invented by Cardinal Giovanni Caraffa in the Dark Ages: " Do not read books; they make you STUPID! Do what we tell you and give us your money. Everything we do is for your own good." At least that was what the commoners were told. In light of the witch-burning and such acts, I found it hard to believe that a book existed to make people stupid.

Several days after my encounter with the hermit I began searching for ancient lore concerning the mythical book. Legend has it that two days before the burning of Rome, Emperor Nero read but a single chapter of the Moroninomicon.

Although the Roman philosopher Epictetus is best known for his assertion that men are the masters of their lives, some historians credit him with a remark made late in life: "The problem with Rome is stupidity. I do not say that there should be capital punishment for stupidity, but why not just refrain from the issue of adages for safety and let the problem solve itself?"

Scholars are not certain whether stupidity was actually increasing in the Roman Empire during Epictetus' life, but some believe that teaching in a public forum may have brought the philosopher much frustration. However, many who believe in the existence of the Moroninomicon say that Nero's possession of the unnatural text and the likelihood had passed to others in the region may created localized stupification of the populous, and this is what prompted Epictetus to make the terse statement.

When I first received e-mail saying "MAKE MONEY FAST!", it was annoying but seemed irrelevant. After seeing 500 pieces of the same spam in my e-mail, I saw the coincidence but not a threat.

I remained unconcerned until I read about a woman dropping hot coffee in her own lap and successfully suing the fast-food chain for $2.9 million. Naturally the corporate lawyers went back to contest the ruling. I felt a sense of dread that the country may be losing all capacity for reason and intellect. If a life insurance policy would pay $250,000 for someone being run over by a bus and killed, and every day two million cups of coffee are bought and consumed without incident, how is one person's accident is worth $2.9 million? In time I concluded that this case was not a matter of human stupidity, but rather, another example that lawyers are an unholy scourge that plagues mankind.

It was not until the mid-1990's that I heard something chilling which led me to believe in the existence and sinister power of the book. A Gulf War reporter made remarks about how the military used code words: "For example, when one M.I. officer said 'Saddam has the MORONINOMICON', it's impossible to know what he meant because there'sno such thing as the Moroninomicon." If only he knew.

Although the book never seemed to surface, it seems that there are more and more signs of stupidity in the world. For example, the Internet is littered with almost every conceivable kind of computer virus, so why would people open unknown e-mail attachments. It's disturbing.

More and more I found myself thinking of the book in the hermit's cave, and with that came nights of fitful sleep. The cave had been filled with assorted junk: household appliances, a TV, car parts, broken tools, scrap metal, and a few tools which were old yet serviceable. I resolved myself to find answers, and if that meant extreme measures to find the truth ... the ends justify the means.

After a three hour drive and a twenty minute walk on a long unused trail, the cave entrance was easy enough to find. It quickly became apparent that little or nothing remained inside. Against the far wall, a dusty quilt lay crumpled on the floor. I pulled thequilt aside and the haunting truth was revealed: a flat-bed scanner,a note which read "MAKE MONEY FAST!", and the empty promotional package for 600 free hours of AOL.........

copyright 2004 by author: [email protected], a.k.a. "Barry"
all rights reserved, yada, yada, yada .....
Member # 590
 - posted February 04, 2004 07:32
*** shudder ***
What a horrifying pre-apocalyptic vision!
Member # 1089
 - posted February 04, 2004 07:37
/me walks away in fear - dude, what are you on?
Member # 736
 - posted February 04, 2004 15:12
So, uh, who's your Cthulu equivalent? [Smile]
Member # 712
 - posted February 05, 2004 09:38
Hmmm .... the most vile, loathsome, and evil creature ? That would be ...

"The Thing that Practices Law in All Known Worlds, except where prohibited by divine authority. "

ie. in Heaven there is no litigation.

Word is that "It" took a personal injury case for Mephistophiles. The Dark Lord's tongue was frozen by a desert drink made with ice cream that was "too cold."

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