This is topic Is this a throat-punch situation? in forum All about Love! at The Geek Culture Forums!.


To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.geekculture.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=6;t=000601

Posted by skylar (Member # 1422) on March 12, 2007, 01:34:
 
I'll get straight to the point:

My boyfriend kissed another girl.

Now here's the context to put it in:

We have been going out for nearly 5 months. That may not seem like long, but we're pretty serious about each other, and in love. Probably still in the infatuation stage, but I feel confident we have something a lot stronger than that. We have plans to go traveling together next year.

He's currently in Canada, to be the best man at his friend's wedding. The wedding was on Saturday. He got very, very drunk. Some girl he was talking to kissed him... he kissed back before realising it was a mistake, and pulling away. He told me the next time he spoke to me.

He keeps telling me how sorry he is, how truly terrible he feels, and how scared he is of losing me. I believe him. I love him very much. But I don't know where to go from here.

Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated.
 
Posted by littlefish (Member # 966) on March 12, 2007, 01:40:
 
Simple. If you really *are* serious about him, and in love, then forgive him.

If you aren't then it is a bit trickier.
 
Posted by The Famous Druid (Member # 1769) on March 12, 2007, 03:34:
 
The guy was drunk, made a silly mistake, fessed-up immediately, and is remorseful.
I'd say he deserves a second chance.

I'd also say he's an idiot, I'd have kept quiet about it. </wise-old-married-bloke>
 
Posted by Stibbons (Member # 2515) on March 12, 2007, 04:20:
 
I'd say forgive him. People do very stupid things when drunk, and the fact he stopped and then even told you about it shows that he really, really cares for you.
 
Posted by Steen (Member # 170) on March 12, 2007, 04:34:
 
If you believe him, tell him that you forgive him this time but that he can't count on being forgiven a second time if he ever does it again.

If you don't believe him, then it's sort of a moot point, isn't it?
 
Posted by skylar (Member # 1422) on March 12, 2007, 05:09:
 
The problem is that I want to forgive him and get over it and move on, but every time I think about kissing him, the image of him with someone else pops into my mind and makes my skin crawl. Is there any way of getting past that with as little pain as possible? [Frown]
 
Posted by WinterSolstice (Member # 934) on March 12, 2007, 06:06:
 
If it helps any, it was probably just reflex. Someone kisses you, you tend to kiss them back, especially when drunk.

The "oh shit" reflex is typically a bit delayed.
 
Posted by Callipygous (Member # 2071) on March 12, 2007, 06:13:
 
which sort of brings us back to TFD's point, that if it was as he said he should have buttoned his lip and dealt with his feelings of guilt shame and remorse himself. I always wonder whether a confession of this sort is actually slightly self indulgent, as I am uncertain whether he is actually considering the pain he is causing you in asking for your forgiveness. If he had to tell you, he should have waited until you were in the same room, so you could knock his block off before forgiving him. So top marks for honesty, but poor marks for common sense.

I suggest that because of his foolish behaviour, and the insensitive manner of his confession that you keep him dangling for a while longer, until you feel ready to forgive him, not for punishment, but to let him reflect on how his action and subsequent confession has affected you.

I personally think that though complete honesty with one's beloved is an admirable ideal, in practice things are not quite so straightforward. Most of us are at least slightly fscked up, so it's only a few who can be completely honest with themselves, and thus what chance do we have with anyone else? I believe simple kindness, tolerance, and that rather unfashionable virtue, loyalty, are actually more important than complete transparent honesty.
 
Posted by Astronomer Jedi (Member # 4699) on March 12, 2007, 06:17:
 
quote:
Originally posted by WinterSolstice:
The "oh shit" reflex is typically a bit delayed.

Know this well I do. Not from being drunk, but from saying something and the moment it comes out of my mouth realising how dumb it was to say it.

Oh skylar, I think whatever you decide to do, you should probably throat punch him either way.
 
Posted by dragonman97 (Member # 780) on March 12, 2007, 06:20:
 
quote:
Originally posted by skylar:
The problem is that I want to forgive him and get over it and move on, but every time I think about kissing him, the image of him with someone else pops into my mind and makes my skin crawl. Is there any way of getting past that with as little pain as possible? [Frown]

Eh...I'm sorry to hear about that, but I would second what every other guy has said. [Smile]

His intelligent reaction time was greatly affected by alcohol - this is why you /do not/ drive after drinking. If you can kiss someone you shouldn't after drinking...what the hell might one do behind the wheel of a car?

But serious life-and-death matters aside, the bloke seems honestly remorseful for his error, and ought to be allowed a chance. [Smile] Now...if he makes a habit of kissing girls while drunk, then you need to tell him to bugger off - but for now, just put this bunk out of your head. Just look at it like an overly nice handshake...I guess I simply can't see it as such a terrible thing at the moment, but we're surely looking at it from diff. points of view.

Cheers,
dragon
 
Posted by skylar (Member # 1422) on March 12, 2007, 07:23:
 
quoting WinterSolstice:
If it helps any, it was probably just reflex. Someone kisses you, you tend to kiss them back, especially when drunk.
Thanks, a couple of my friends pointed that out to me, too. I'm just hoping "drunk" isn't going to become an excuse for him [Razz]

quoting Calli:
I suggest that because of his foolish behaviour, and the insensitive manner of his confession that you keep him dangling for a while longer, until you feel ready to forgive him, not for punishment, but to let him reflect on how his action and subsequent confession has affected you.
Well, his flight gets in tomorrow, and I'm meant to be meeting him in London, so we can spend the day together. I was thinking about skipping out, but then I realised that I'm the one in possession of his bus ticket back to Bristol...! So, hopefully by tomorrow, enough time will have passed, for both of us...

quoting Astronomer Jedi:
Oh skylar, I think whatever you decide to do, you should probably throat punch him either way.
Well, he told me that I can put his balls in a blender if it makes me feel better - so I just might [evil]

quoting The Dragon:
Now...if he makes a habit of kissing girls while drunk, then you need to tell him to bugger off - but for now, just put this bunk out of your head. Just look at it like an overly nice handshake...I guess I simply can't see it as such a terrible thing at the moment, but we're surely looking at it from diff. points of view.
He's done in once before, but in a different relationship, so I feel guilty for judging him based on that.

Thanks for all the input so far, everyone... it's helping me make a little sense of the mess...
 
Posted by stevenback7 (Member # 5114) on March 12, 2007, 07:51:
 
I will go with everyone elses suggestion to forgive the guy - he made a stupid mistake while drunk a mistake anyone could have made. I would also suggest not holding this over his head - a few jokes about it and a couple friendly punches (no throat punches those really hurt) and then just let it go. Because there will probally come a situation in the relationship where you do something stupid and he will be the one to forgive you.
 
Posted by Snaggy (Member # 123) on March 12, 2007, 08:17:
 
The best response is revenge. And I am here to help you with that.

/me offers skylar a six pack of beer before kissing her.

[Big Grin]
 
Posted by skylar (Member # 1422) on March 12, 2007, 08:49:
 
ahhh, sweet revenge ... and dwunkenness...

[crazy] [Beard of Peter Gabriel!]
 
Posted by drunkennewfiemidget (Member # 2814) on March 12, 2007, 09:00:
 
I'm gonna have to go against everyone else here.

Drunkenness is not an excuse for anything. Period.

He didn't do what he should have done and pulled away.

What's to say 5 years down the road he won't be in the middle of humping someone else and then realise it's a bad idea?
 
Posted by Sxeptomaniac (Member # 3698) on March 12, 2007, 09:35:
 
quote:
Originally posted by skylar:
quoting The Dragon:
Now...if he makes a habit of kissing girls while drunk, then you need to tell him to bugger off - but for now, just put this bunk out of your head. Just look at it like an overly nice handshake...I guess I simply can't see it as such a terrible thing at the moment, but we're surely looking at it from diff. points of view.
He's done in once before, but in a different relationship, so I feel guilty for judging him based on that.

I don't know about judging him for it, but it seems to me that he should learn from his mistakes, and that would be a sign that he hasn't.
 
Posted by boo (Member # 5991) on March 12, 2007, 09:44:
 
Skylar, I think I'm the first girl to respond and I can understand your feelings. I know I'd feel crushed if this were to happen to me.

Having said that though, I do think it's worth giving him a second chance, considering that you are in love with him and all. BUT, I would not let the state of drunkenness be an excuse (why was he drunk, anyway? can't anyone drink without getting *drunk* and doing stupid things?) Anyway, I wouldn't let it be an excuse but I do think it is part of the reason. However, the fact that he did this one other time isn't a good sign, I don't think. Yes, it was in a different relationship, but it doesn't bode well.

It seems he might be the type who has a hard time realizing 'this is it. this is the only woman for me for the rest of my life.' And honestly, I can understand that. It's a scary proposition, for anyone.

If you do decide to "forgive" him, as he requested, then do it and be done with it. I don't think you should drag it out or 'punish' him or anything like that. Talk about it, lay it on the line, and be done with it. Don't be one of those women who brings things up years later. But make it clear that if it happens again, you're done (if that is actually the way you feel) because then it will have been three times (that you know of) and the third strike means you're out.
 
Posted by Xanthine (Member # 736) on March 12, 2007, 10:24:
 
I'd tell him I want to punch him in the throat. I might even tell him how digusted I am. And then I'd forgive him. He needs to know you took it hard. If he does it again, then you need to serisouly rethink a few things.
 
Posted by skylar (Member # 1422) on March 12, 2007, 13:28:
 
Thanks guys [Smile] . Now that I've had a bit more time to reflect, I've realised that he does seem to be really suffering, and feeling remorseful over what he did. I don't think he's cast it off lightly. And the honesty does count in his favour. But I will have to wait and see until tomorrow, as to what I will do when I see him. On the one hand, I just want to jump with joy at seeing him again, and hug him. On the other, I want to throat punch him so hard that my elbow protrudes from the back of his head.

I think I'll begin with the latter, then proceed to the former... *sigh*. He's already been told: one more strike, you're out. And I mean it. I just hope it never comes to that. Eesh, the next few times he gets drunk and goes out with his mates are going to be painful ... [ohwell]
 
Posted by Colonel Panic (Member # 1200) on March 12, 2007, 15:12:
 
Sky,

Kissing has a tendency to break out at weddings.

And you weren't there.

You could have caught the bouquet. He the garter.

But no, there he was at a celebration of love and kisses with no sweetie to kiss?

Hmmmmmmm.

Either forgive and forget, or the other gal wins.

Colonel Panic
 
Posted by Rednivek (Member # 1148) on March 13, 2007, 01:39:
 
I would be more concerned with why he got drunk enough to make a stupid mistake. How often does he get drunk and what mistake will he make next time?
 
Posted by drunkennewfiemidget (Member # 2814) on March 13, 2007, 08:55:
 
Oh yea, and I'll have to agree with some people on the second part.

If you do choose to forgive him, which is your perogative, you must forgive him, forget about it, and move on.

If it happens again, his ass is out the door, but this can't be fodder or reasoning to start or escalate any future issues.
 
Posted by Reedius (Member # 7130) on March 13, 2007, 09:57:
 
Give him another chance but make it the last, anyone makes 1 mistake but 2 mistakes is too much. [Wink]
 
Posted by nerdwithnofriends (Member # 3773) on March 13, 2007, 13:20:
 
quote:
Originally posted by drunkennewfiemidget:
I'm gonna have to go against everyone else here.

Drunkenness is not an excuse for anything. Period.

He didn't do what he should have done and pulled away.

What's to say 5 years down the road he won't be in the middle of humping someone else and then realise it's a bad idea?

Seconded. Drunkenness just increases stupidity, and it's a well-established fact that stupidity isn't an excuse for anything, except being throat-punched. I always hate when I hear guys/girls tell me about their relationship problems and then say, "But I was drrruuuuunkkK!!!".

Oh really? And who decided to get you drunk? that's right, you did. Nobody forced alcohol down your throat (unless they did, then that's a fucked up situation).I would not be so forgiving, but I'm a heartless asshole.

I'll also second DNM in saying that if you're going to forgive and forget, do it 100% and don't do the usual female thing of stockpiling it for later use as ammunition.
 
Posted by Just_Jess_B (Member # 2161) on March 13, 2007, 13:35:
 
Well, he confessed, which means he felt like he screwed up and then really wanted to fix it.

I can't tell you one way or the other, because some people would say "He shouldn't have gotten into that situation into the first place" and others would say "At least he didn't screw her."

It's what's in your heart. But yeah, of course you feel hurt. It would hurt anyone in your place.
 
Posted by calenril (Member # 695) on March 15, 2007, 06:02:
 
quote:
Originally posted by drunkennewfiemidget:
I'm gonna have to go against everyone else here.

Drunkenness is not an excuse for anything. Period.
...

I agree. Only the most naïve would not know how alcohol lowers inhibitions. Responsibility for what happens afterward comes with the decision to take the first drink. Perhaps he had a thought of getting a kiss and the drinking allowed him to actually do it, or perhaps it was purely impulsive. Either way, we know ahead of time that we are gambling when we start to become intoxicated -- it is reckless behaviour.
 
Posted by skylar (Member # 1422) on March 15, 2007, 09:17:
 
Further input has given me a lot of food for thought - so thanks everyone, you've really helped.

We met up again the other day when he got back from Canada. I needed to see him face to face before making a decision. After seeing him, I'm pretty certain he's suffered more from remorse than I have from the betrayal... I've never seen him in such a state. After a long drawn-out discussion, I decided to forgive him, but I'm not sure if he has forgiven himself...

I guess these things take time, don't they? We've set the ground rules for starting afresh, which include:

a) One more strike and you're out.
b) 'Drunkenness' is never again to be an excuse.
c) Lie to me, get a steel capped boot to the balls. [Razz]

Yet, it saddens me to know that things will never be the same as they were. Innocence lost, I guess. We just need to work on making things even better than they were, once trust has been rebuilt... 2.0, so to speak... [Smile]

I can't help but feel (though I'm sure many of you will disagree) that when I weigh up all the positive changes he has made in my life, against the hurt he has caused, the goodness wins out, and is not worth letting go of just yet.
 
Posted by boo (Member # 5991) on March 15, 2007, 09:34:
 
quote:
Originally posted by skylar:
Yet, it saddens me to know that things will never be the same as they were. Innocence lost, I guess. We just need to work on making things even better than they were, once trust has been rebuilt... 2.0, so to speak... [Smile]

I can't help but feel (though I'm sure many of you will disagree) that when I weigh up all the positive changes he has made in my life, against the hurt he has caused, the goodness wins out, and is not worth letting go of just yet.

Skylar, sounds like you're relationship has made a positive step. I like your 2.0 analogy. [Smile] And it's a good attitude. Stronger, better .. it's here now. I know what you mean about the innocense lost, but meh. That was just a matter of time, anyway. And as for your last comment, I totally think that's great. You are the one who knows and loves him, after all. Sometimes you have to trust your gut (or in this case, your heart) take a risk, and have confidence in the one you care about. [thumbsup]
 
Posted by Jace Raven (Member # 2444) on March 15, 2007, 10:30:
 
we have a saying where i come from.

"When in doubt, whip it out"
 
Posted by boo (Member # 5991) on March 15, 2007, 10:46:
 
!!
 
Posted by Just_Jess_B (Member # 2161) on March 17, 2007, 08:28:
 
It sounds like he's on his way to completing the 4 R's. What are the 4 R's?

(I pulled this from a website http://www.drtalley.com/forum/index.php?thread=9&page=1):
Few people understand how devastating infidelity can be to a relationship. Affairs rape the emotional trust at the core of love. However, there is a way to repair the damage wrought by an affair. Be aware -- it's not for the faint of heart or the uncommitted.

The Four H's
When one partner has an affair, it triggers Four H's in their mate: Hurt, Hate, Hesitation to Trust, and Holding on to Resentment.
If you had the affair, your partner felt hurt by having his or her emotional trust betrayed. Your partner hated you for taking away that trust -- the most important element for love -- and having to worry over what else you might be lying about.
Your partner is hesitant to trust you only to risk being betrayed again (many people who have been cheated on say that if they made it through one infidelity, they know they wouldn't be able to make it through another).
And finally, your partner is going to hold on to resentment. He or she will not want to, but may feel powerless to let it go.

The Four R's
The corrective responses to the Four H's are the Four R's: Remorse, Restitution, Rehabilitation and Request for Forgiveness.
In order to heal the hurt, your partner needs to see and feel your genuine remorse. This means looking your partner straight in the eye and saying how sorry you are for the hurt you've caused. Your "I'm sorry" must be simple and clear and not followed by excuses or "but it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't ..."
As much as your partner's hurt needs remorse in order to heal, his or her anger needs vengeance in order to be expunged. The best restitution is for you to let your partner verbally vent every bit of revulsion, disgust, disappointment and hurt that you caused. He or she needs to feel completely drained of all the negative feelings your betrayal engendered. And you need to stand there and listen and take it without defending yourself. This outpouring of emotion will help satisfy your partner's need for revenge and help clear the air so you can move on to the next step.
Your partner's hesitation to trust you needs to see you rehabilitating yourself. You need to learn how to cope with upsetting issues in your life or marriage without resorting to an affair. You also need to reach the point where you actually favor your new and improved way of handling issues over resorting to deceit.
Finally, your partner's resentment needs you to request forgiveness. Make this request only after you have built up a track record of remorse, restitution and rehabilitation for at least six months (and perhaps even as long as the length of the affair). Forgiveness is something that must be earned.


I hope he does them all and you accept your feelings are natural. I'm sure you're thankful it was a kiss and not making out or (especially) sex. He trusted you to forgive him, putting his comforts on the line over a mistake.

Agreed that booze isn't a reason, but people drink when they party, especially young people. I dunno. Maybe get marrried and next time you'll go, too, or at least the wedding ring will either strnegthen his resolve or shy the women away. As a married woman, however, the women don't always walk away if they see the ring. Sometimes they work harder.
 
Posted by skylar (Member # 1422) on March 17, 2007, 09:49:
 
Thanks, boo, for the kind words (and Jace [Wink] ) ... and that article was really insightful, Jess - thanks for sharing [Smile] . It helped to be able to compare my boyfriend's behaviour to what was set out there, and it makes me even more confident of his good intentions and genuine remorse... 2.0 seems even more within reach, now.
 


© 2018 Geek Culture

Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM 6.4.0