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Posted by skylar (Member # 1422) on March 02, 2005, 04:01:
 
I was reading the 'Happy Endings' thread, and something that snupy said really struck me - about not entirely leaving behind the sadness and bitterness of old relationships, and I realised that that is exactly what I'm going through at the moment. The ensuing rambling seemed inappropriate for a 'happy' thread, so here it is, in all its 'bad-teenage-soap-opera' glory [Razz]

I'm beginning to think that's not always the case that bad memories and experiences fade [Frown] . I was hurt by an asshole I know, about a year ago now, and I know it was a mistake, and that he's quite a bad person (I later found out he has a history of even more appalling behaviour, including convincing his (very very Christian) ex-girlfriend to lose her virginity to him, even though he had been cheating on her with someone who had less qualms about putting out), but it still really wounds me to think about it.

He used to be one of my closest friends, and is still one of my housemates. He's now going out with one of my (former) best friends, and is a 'reformed character' through love for her. I know this is probably all bullshit, but I keep thinking 'why couldn't it have been me who changed his life?'. I'm also just soooo angry at the way it turned out between us, that I can't even bring myself to be in the same room as the two of them, or hear her name mentioned. It feels as if I won't get any respite until he sees what he's done and feels bad about it, or goes through something equally horrible himself. But that won't happen, because he's an arrogant bastard who doesn't believe he's done an immoral or selfish thing in his life (His family is some sort of German aristocracy, and he and his brothers have all been brought up to believe that they are God's gift).

The worst part is that I haven't said a word to him about how hurt I feel and how horrible the whole experience was, because it would cause a lot of tension that I wouldn't want my other housemates and friends to deal with. So, as far as he is aware, there's nothing wrong, and everything is sunshine and butterflies. It's so frustrating, because I can't talk to anyone about it, and on a day-to-day basis, he is intelligent, witty, helpful, interesting... damn him [shake head] . It's just when he makes a lewd comment about some girl, or I see him with his girlfriend, or I even when his hair is looking particularly good, that I get a pang of sadness.

And all of this is having a worrying effect on my life. My work is slipping, I'm finding trouble focusing on things and people (another reason why I've been quite inactive at GC lately), and I even almost started smoking (my cigarettes have been relegated to a drawer, from which they haven't moved in about a month, but I still haven't thrown them out, yet). What's worse is that, perversely, I keep doing nice things for him, like ironing his clothes, or lending him money... I'm not exactly sure why I do this, but I think a lot of it has to do with trying to convince him of what a great person I am, and how unjust it was to treat me the way he did, and to try and make him see that he missed out on something that could have been great.

Guess I just don't handle rejection very well, huh? [Wink]

*sigh*... I'm sorry for rambling on and on like this, but this is the only place I can let all this out without fear of repercussion, and the only place where I can get objective advice.

Am I overreacting and being ridiculous? Whether I am or not - how do I get past this, and improve my quality of life? Because at the moment, it couldn't be much crappier.
 
Posted by The Famous Druid (Member # 1769) on March 02, 2005, 04:11:
 
This guy's your housemate?

The solution to your unresolved hostility is obvious ... piss in his milk. [evil]


But seriously, why are you stll sharing a house with the guy?
That whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing is bunk, absence helps you forget all about the creep.
 
Posted by CommanderShroom (Member # 2097) on March 02, 2005, 04:33:
 
/tries to fond something good to say. Look at TFD's post...

Yeah piss in his cheerios, damnit!

Get a new place to stay. That's why they call it moving on.

Good luck.
 
Posted by csk (Member # 1941) on March 02, 2005, 05:08:
 
quote:
Originally posted by skylar:
He used to be one of my closest friends, and is still one of my housemates. He's now going out with one of my (former) best friends, and is a 'reformed character' through love for her. I know this is probably all bullshit, but I keep thinking 'why couldn't it have been me who changed his life?'

Well, if it makes you feel any better, she didn't change his life, either. Instead, he chose to change his own life in the circumstances he found himself in. Now this may either work long term, or it may all end in tears. Probably more likely to be option B if his true nature is being suppressed.

quote:
The worst part is that I haven't said a word to him about how hurt I feel and how horrible the whole experience was, because it would cause a lot of tension that I wouldn't want my other housemates and friends to deal with. So, as far as he is aware, there's nothing wrong, and everything is sunshine and butterflies. It's so frustrating, because I can't talk to anyone about it, and on a day-to-day basis, he is intelligent, witty, helpful, interesting... damn him [shake head] . It's just when he makes a lewd comment about some girl, or I see him with his girlfriend, or I even when his hair is looking particularly good, that I get a pang of sadness.
Hmm. Can I go out on a limb and suggest talking to him about this? If it works, you'll feel much better. If it increases tensions, you'll have tried, and then you can go about looking for somewhere else as others have suggested. The trouble with seemingly insensitive people such as him is that they go through life oblivious to the hurt they cause others. And if ever it's brought to their attention, they'll be totally surprised and not believe it, or talk around it. So I guess I'm suggesting talking for your own closure, not because I think it will help.

quote:
And all of this is having a worrying effect on my life. My work is slipping, I'm finding trouble focusing on things and people (another reason why I've been quite inactive at GC lately), and I even almost started smoking (my cigarettes have been relegated to a drawer, from which they haven't moved in about a month, but I still haven't thrown them out, yet). What's worse is that, perversely, I keep doing nice things for him, like ironing his clothes, or lending him money... I'm not exactly sure why I do this, but I think a lot of it has to do with trying to convince him of what a great person I am, and how unjust it was to treat me the way he did, and to try and make him see that he missed out on something that could have been great.
This is not necessarily a bad thing, but if you are singling him out for special attention, then I would say it is. If you do such things for your other friends, then it's probably OK. Anyway, he probably knows that you're a great person. I mean, if you can give that impression even through comparatively infrequent posting on an internet site (which you do, incidentally), then you must be at least equally as nice in real life. Oh, and if he's getting to the stage of expecting rather than appreciating any of these nice things you are doing, then that's a bad sign, too.

quote:
Am I overreacting and being ridiculous? Whether I am or not - how do I get past this, and improve my quality of life? Because at the moment, it couldn't be much crappier.
Sounds to me like you need closure on this relationship. How that happens only you can decide, but there's some hints above. Hope it all goes well for you.
 
Posted by SilverBlade (Member # 3541) on March 02, 2005, 06:07:
 
quote:
Originally posted by The Famous Druid:

That whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing is bunk, absence helps you forget all about the creep.

Well maybe, but coming from experience, absence DOES make the heart grow fonder first, then maybe forgetful.

I had a very messy breakup with some jerk who recently got expelled from my school (deserved it really) and I sometimes still think about him.
 
Posted by Xanthine (Member # 736) on March 02, 2005, 07:50:
 
Next time you iron his clothes, burn them. Next time you lend him money, charge interest.

WHy the hell are you ironing his clothes anyways??
 
Posted by spungo (Member # 1089) on March 02, 2005, 07:59:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Xanthine:
WHy the hell are you ironing his clothes anyways??

Just as I thought - Americans don't understand ironing! [Wink]
 
Posted by Cap'n Vic (Member # 1477) on March 02, 2005, 08:36:
 
/me hugs skylie

I suggest you ride out the school year (your in uni, right?) with your blinders on. Avoid him (and her) as much as possible. Immerse yourself in your studies. Find a new activity that takes you out of the house and away from *them*. With a new activity you will make new friends and possible house mates for next year. Don't waste your youth pining after someone who has already proven to be a top notch arsehole.
 
Posted by Mr.Gone (Member # 3543) on March 02, 2005, 08:39:
 
The most important part is not to let the bitterness and hurt feeling you develop cross over. If you meet another guy who is nice and treats you well, remember, he is not your ex boyfriend. That's just as important as moving out as far as moving on.
Don't give me more ammo for a thread. Cap'n knows what I mean.
 
Posted by Xanthine (Member # 736) on March 02, 2005, 09:01:
 
quote:
Originally posted by spungo:
quote:
Originally posted by Xanthine:
WHy the hell are you ironing his clothes anyways??

Just as I thought - Americans don't understand ironing! [Wink]
No, it's too subtle for us. THat's why we buy wrinkle-free clothing. [Razz]

Seriously sky, first you've got to let go. Second you have to understand that trying to be someone's saviour is more effort than it's worth and you have nothing to be jealous of. And listen to Vic. He's very wise. Men, especially nasty men, aren't worth pining over.
 
Posted by The Famous Druid (Member # 1769) on March 02, 2005, 12:44:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Xanthine:
quote:
Originally posted by spungo:
quote:
Originally posted by Xanthine:
WHy the hell are you ironing his clothes anyways??

Just as I thought - Americans don't understand ironing! [Wink]
No, it's too subtle for us. THat's why we buy wrinkle-free clothing. [Razz]

Real Americans iron by running over their clothes with one of these
 -
 
Posted by Xanthine (Member # 736) on March 02, 2005, 13:56:
 
See, since I lack a penis, I've never felt the need to compensate for anything by driving by one of those things.
 
Posted by neotatsu (Member # 1429) on March 02, 2005, 15:25:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Xanthine:
See, since I lack a penis, I've never felt the need to compensate for anything by driving by one of those things.

See, since I've one I'm particularly comfortable with, I havn't either... I just want to drive one for the testosterone kick, and to blow stuff up [devil wand] [evil] [thumbsup]
 
Posted by dragon34 (Member # 997) on March 02, 2005, 17:52:
 
Having been through relationship with inconsiderate a$$hole before (many years ago)
A.) To echo what others have said, stop doing nice things for him. He does not deserve it. Heck, I don't even iron my own clothes. [Smile] CERTAINLY stop lending him money. If I have learned anything over the years it's money in a friendship should never be given with any expectation of getting it back/never give money you can't afford to lose. I rented an apartment from a "friend" for my last place of residence and I *still* one year later have not gotten my deposit back nor any explanation as to why I haven't gotten it back. Of course it isn't worth suing over, but I could really use that money and she no longer responds to emails phone calls or letters. (and that was a legally binding contract and all, not even an off the record I need a few hundred bucks) I went out of my way for her many times, drove her around when her car broke down (this is several times for at least a month at a time), helped her paint, set up a computer which I upgraded with my money, and wrote her an applescript to automate some audio conversion, set up a network for her computer and the one I gave her and she still ripped me off. but anyway, I'm obviously still a bit sore on that issue.. (sorry for the rant)

B.) If he starts giving you a hard time about not being nice to him anymore tell him flat out (especially if the deal was "we'll stay friends"), that ironing clothing is not usually something friends do for friends and you are no longer going to continue treating him like a boyfriend, when he's not.

B-1.) The longer you continue treating him as you would when you were in a relationship the harder it is to let go. If your behavior doesn't change, seeing him with someone else will always make you feel like you are being cheated on. The effort and pain that results from trying to win his approval just so you can reject him in the unlikely event that he comes crawling back is not worth it. If being friends with him is too painful, then end the friendship, or at least put it on hold for a couple more years until the pain fades, which it WILL do. Don't make yourself suffer for his sake.

C.) staying friends with exes is always hard at first, but it can work out well when both parties are over eachother. (My current boyfriend used to date the current girlfriend of one of my ex boyfriends) It's actually kind of fun now that everyone is over everyone else [Smile] I don't know who to attribute this quote to, but "the best revenge is living well" Do well in your classes/work, find things to do out of the house to avoid the infamous couple, and otherwise make it obvious that you are doing just fine without him thank you very much. Added benefit is the more time you spend out of the house, in a coffee shop, in a library, etc. you have a greater chance finding someone else who will appreciate you for who you are. There ARE other fish in the sea, for everyone. Better to be without a significant other than with one who doesn't respect you.

/someone who has had a couple *very* screwed up relationships but thinks she finally found herself a good one.
 
Posted by skylar (Member # 1422) on March 03, 2005, 03:58:
 
quoting TFD:
piss in his milk
y'know, Socrates was put to death for corrupting the youth of Athens. Then again, Socrates didn't have such great ideas [Big Grin]

quoting csk:
Can I go out on a limb and suggest talking to him about this? If it works, you'll feel much better. If it increases tensions, you'll have tried, and then you can go about looking for somewhere else as others have suggested.
Thanks for the suggestion, but it's problematic because I don't really have anywhere else where I can live... unless it's by myself, or taking a room in a strange house (which could be disastrous, and would also leave my one female housemate in the lurch, having to live with three guys (not her militant feminist idea of a good time)).

if you can give that impression even through comparatively infrequent posting on an internet site (which you do, incidentally), then you must be at least equally as nice in real life.
right back at ya to the power ten (sorry, having one of those days where I start talking like my nine year old sister) [Beard of Peter Gabriel!]

quoting Xanthine:
Why the hell are you ironing his clothes anyways??
Good point. In fact, last night he asked me to return a book to the library for him this morning. If it was in late, he'd lose privileges for two weeks (two very essay-heavy weeks). Heck of a responsibility to put on my shoulders. It meant I had to get up at 6:30 am this morning to get there. The only reason he couldn't do it himself is because he was planning on getting drunk and staying over at him girlfriend's place and skipping morning lectures. A better person than I would have said "hell, no." But I'm nice, so I did it, but I told him I never would again, so he shouldn't even ask me and put me in the position of having to say no. Sounds trivial, but it was one of those "small step, giant leap" situations.

quoting the Cap'n:
I suggest you ride out the school year (your in uni, right?) with your blinders on. Avoid him (and her) as much as possible. Immerse yourself in your studies. Find a new activity that takes you out of the house and away from *them*.
/me hugs back
Thanks Cap'n... you helped me make a decision, actually, with that comment. I'm currently Vice-Pres of the uni's Fine Film Society, and they asked me to run for President next year. I was going to say no because I'm quite shy with new people, and would find it hard to do a job that requires so much networking. But to hell with that... I think I will. I can make friends who don't know the gruesome twosome, and it'll certainly get me out of the house [Big Grin]

quoting dragon34:
The longer you continue treating him as you would when you were in a relationship the harder it is to let go. If your behavior doesn't change, seeing him with someone else will always make you feel like you are being cheated on.
It made me laugh when I read that, because I hadn't seen the obviousness of it... of course that's what I'm doing. Maybe spending time away from him will help me over the bitterness... if worst comes to worst I can poke him repeatedly with a sharp stick until I get myself landed with a nice little restraining order [Wink]

Wish me luck... *goes sharp-stick-hunting*

[evil]
 
Posted by Callipygous (Member # 2071) on March 03, 2005, 05:18:
 
Good luck Sky, you are a diamond. Since he does not realise this he is a conceited twit.

Give him a kick from me.
 
Posted by Alephcat (Member # 2617) on March 03, 2005, 06:35:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Callipygous:
Good luck Sky, you are a diamond. Since he does not realise this he is a conceited twit.

Give him a kick from me.

hmm "luck in the Sky with diamonds"?
 
Posted by GameMaster (Member # 1173) on March 03, 2005, 07:22:
 
I always feel like I'm a really bad person posting in your threads that talk about your current status. I know that no matter what I say it'll come off wrong. Still, I can't let this one pass without putting in my 2 * 10 ^ -2 USD.

Sky, you deserve better. First, throw out the cancer sticks. Then the guy... Go out and meet new people. Your life shouldn't be bent outta shape just because he's an arse. The girl will see what he really is, eventually, and he'll move on. Don't try to stick arround until he does, or you'll be missing a host of opertunities. Go out hunting... You're a diamond, as Vic pointed out; and given some time you'll meet a guy who realizes that.
 
Posted by skylar (Member # 1422) on March 03, 2005, 07:46:
 
Thanks for the luck, Calli... I'll put it to good use [Smile] .

GM, don't worry about posting what you think. I promise I won't pick it apart, and I know that you have my best interests at heart, so I'll do my very best to take your (often extremely helpful) advice the right way.

And you shouldn't feel like a bad person. I may have given you the impression that I think you are, in the past, and for that I'm sorry. So eat cheese and be merry [Big Grin]
 
Posted by TheMoMan (Member # 1659) on March 03, 2005, 15:30:
 
Skylar________You have recieved many good suggestions as to what to do. YOU WILL BE TREATED AS GOOD OR POORLY AS YOU ALLOW, if you don't do goody things at every ones beck and call they will move on to someone else. These people that are using YOU are doing so because YOU let them, say NO just for yourself it's your life stop living for other people. As for hating some one that takes up too much of your own energy, you need that energy for YOU, He doesn't know or care if you hate him because he has gotten what he wanted, his feelings are probably along the line of she sure is a bitter B**ch. Remember people will treat you as good or poorly as you let them!!!!
 
Posted by csk (Member # 1941) on March 03, 2005, 15:45:
 
You know, sky, I think you would find this book helpful. It sounds to me like you've set fairly loose boundaries in the past, and it would be a good thing to tighten them up. Plus this guy needs to start taking responsibility for his own stuff and you, perhaps unwittingly, are hindering that process.

As others have said, you're way too nice for this guy. Go find a better one [Big Grin]
 
Posted by dragonman97 (Member # 780) on March 03, 2005, 17:33:
 
Hmm...I just wanted to take a quote of TheMoMan's and mangle it up a bit, mixing it with csk's sentiments:
if you don't do goody things at every ones beck and call they will move on to someone else

That...or follow my lead: Bill them a hell of a lot of money to fix their problems. [Wink] Actually, it doesn't have to be a ridiculous amount of money, but fair compensation nonetheless. There came a point at which I saw it as stupid to just volutarily help people with their computer problems - this is something I will only do for *very close* friends or immediate family. I just made $300/hr (ADJUSTED) helping an AOL user through a "Duh" moment.

[Big Grin]

/\
|--- See that? That's the big grin I have on my face right now. [Smile]

Seriously, though - this guy is a loser, and not worth your time at all. Don't waste another minute helping him, or paying any attention to him, for that matter. Just mind your own business, and have fun taking that presidency. [Smile]

P.S. That number is adjusted for the very small amount of time it took me to fix the problem, multiplying out the total bill out a few times to fill a real hour.
 
Posted by skylar (Member # 1422) on March 04, 2005, 08:04:
 
quote:
Originally posted by csk:
You know, sky, I think you would find this book helpful.
As others have said, you're way too nice for this guy. Go find a better one [Big Grin]

Thanks for the idea, csk, but I'm not sure that book would do much good for me, since I'm not a Christian (I don't really prescribe to any religion). I can sort of relate to the idea of setting boundaries, though...
 
Posted by skylar (Member # 1422) on March 04, 2005, 08:07:
 
quote:
Originally posted by dragonman97:
...follow my lead: Bill them a hell of a lot of money to fix their problems. [Wink]

Awesome idea [Big Grin] .

Mind you... that would mean I would have to let everyone who's replied to this thread charge me for their help...

/me whistles innocently, before hopping on the back of the nearest truck and zooming off into the distance

SUCKAZ!!111!!!

[Wink]
 
Posted by Xanthine (Member # 736) on March 04, 2005, 09:54:
 
Yes...charge him $5/min for any ironing, book-returning, dish-washing, homework, or shower-cleaning you do for the scum.

If that doesn't get it across, well, there's always the piss in his milk.
 
Posted by TheMoMan (Member # 1659) on March 04, 2005, 10:47:
 
Skylar_______If you look in the pictures section of this august board, you will find a picture of an old retread Biker. I appear that way to be a filter so that every soft touch artist will leave me alone, because deep inside I am a push over. Now suppose you took on the appearance of a U.S. Ashpalt Lady do you think that maybe some people would pass you by as don't bother. She looks like "WHAT ARE LOOKING AT **CK **AD" and move on to easier targets?
 


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