This is topic Female's choices... in forum All about Love! at The Geek Culture Forums.


To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.geekculture.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=6;t=000479

Posted by neotatsu (Member # 1429) on September 21, 2004, 20:48:
 
I've found myself wondering in recent weeks, why so many females make such bad choices regarding men? Why is it that they get into a habit of going out with the wrong kind of guy, when they *know* it's the wrong kind of guy?
 
Posted by Katie (Member # 2502) on September 21, 2004, 22:07:
 
Well it really depends on the woman but for most,that I know of,it seems to be for the thrill of the drama.Either that or we look at him as kind of a "fixer-upper".
[Beard of Peter Gabriel!]
 
Posted by zushiba (Member # 2731) on September 22, 2004, 00:01:
 
Women go into a relationship hope'n to change the man
Men go into a relationship hope'n the woman will never change.
 
Posted by skylar (Member # 1422) on September 22, 2004, 01:57:
 
<gross generalisation>

In addition to that, there is also very often an attraction to the wrong type of guy precisely because he is the wrong type of guy. The thought of doing something you really shouldn't be doing is often very tempting.

Or, perhaps, there's the feeling that "this one will be different", and retain all the qualities you find attractive, but without hurting you the way you secretly know he will.

Plus, most guys with really crappy qualities also have some really charming aspects to their personalities. For example, "he might be a really heavy drinker, but he's so charming and sweet when he's only had a couple!"

</gross generalisation>
 
Posted by csk (Member # 1941) on September 22, 2004, 02:02:
 
I think skylar's nailed it pretty much, it's that "forbidden fruit" thing. Of course this doesn't apply to all females, quite a few bemoan the fact that all the good ones are married (or batting for the other team).
 
Posted by spungo (Member # 1089) on September 22, 2004, 03:25:
 
Yup, they're a bunch of maddening hypocrites. The only thing you can do is dig a nice, deep pit and warm up the fava beans. [Smile]
 
Posted by neotatsu (Member # 1429) on September 22, 2004, 03:37:
 
lol

I used to deal with 'helping' my female friends through such difficulties with their "love" lives... And now that I have friends again, it's starting once more [Razz]

Figures women want to have their cake and eat it too (every time I use that phrase I realize that the people I'm saying it to probably know the context, but not the meaning... feels good tok now at least the vast majority of you will know the meaning [Razz] )... And yet, females wonder why guys want them to look perfect? *shrug* Fine with me in the end, because I generally prefer not to be too close to such hypocrits.. (So, I wind up friends with the "freaks", heh)
 
Posted by Callipygous (Member # 2071) on September 22, 2004, 05:23:
 
Low self esteem is often a big factor here, and it also dovetails into that feeling that Groucho expressed so well, "I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member". One of my very good friends has had two long term relationships with charming no goods, and though she is wonderfully kind and giving, she is also obviously uncomfortable about receiving any kindness or indeed anything much else! I get the feeling she is in some way trying to redeem herself by "saving" these rather useless men.

Still it is good news for us no goods! [Wink]
 
Posted by neotatsu (Member # 1429) on September 22, 2004, 13:04:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Callipygous:
Low self esteem is often a big factor here, and it also dovetails into that feeling that Groucho expressed so well, "I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member".

I believe you've hit the nail on the head, heh. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do to help a female who's truly convinced herself she's "not good enough".. I don't mean to sound like a 'bleeding heart', but it really makes me sad [Frown]
 
Posted by Aves Corax (Member # 2533) on September 22, 2004, 15:47:
 
It's not just "the wrong kind of guy" that's the problem. Take one of my friends. In the past several years she's gone out with the following:

1. A guy she caught cheating on her.
2. A guy who dumped her because she wouldn't have sex with him.
3. The clingiest man I have ever met or heard of.
4. Me (in my first romantic relationship with a girl, so I was incredibly insecure et al).
5. The guy who decided his booze and marijuana were more important than her relationship.
6. The bad boy who was actually fairly good to her.
7. The bad boy who is borderline abusive.

Of those, only the last three really resemble the stereotypical bad boy in any manner. The rest of us have either just been jerks or were unpleasant because, quite frankly, number 3 and I were pansies.
 
Posted by Colonel Panic (Member # 1200) on September 24, 2004, 14:17:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Katie:
Well it really depends on the woman but for most,that I know of,it seems to be for the thrill of the drama.Either that or we look at him as kind of a "fixer-upper".
[Beard of Peter Gabriel!]

Kind of like an old Mustang, eh?

Or maybe an old 040 Mac?

Thing is, where there are parts stores for old Mustangs and Macs there are no parts stores for guys.

Think about it. If there were any parts stores for guys ...

Colonel Panic
 
Posted by Xanthine (Member # 736) on September 24, 2004, 17:02:
 
That would certainly make the late-night TV ads even more amusing...

I wonder what the return policy would be.
 
Posted by Zim'et (Member # 2448) on October 08, 2004, 12:55:
 
Though I constantly tell myself not to, I'm just attracted to the sort of masculine guy that will order me to make a sandwich. There seems to be nothing I can do about this because sweet, sensative, nerdy guys just aren't into me. I work at a comic book store and they still won't talk to me aside from requesting their books.
 
Posted by Aditu (Member # 2340) on October 08, 2004, 13:14:
 
I think it is because men don't come with subtitles. I have often thought I would make better choices, if I knew what was going on really. I have a terrible habit of believing what people say in relationships .. at least in the beginning.

When do guys start coming with subtitles? You are geeks... work on this! LOL
 
Posted by ooby (Member # 2603) on October 08, 2004, 13:20:
 
I knew a guy who would not only tell every girl he knew to make him a sammich, but he actually got them to tie his shoes. Sometimes, as a joke, a sandwich would be made. One girl drew instructions on how to make a sandwich. Oh, and these weren't girlfriends.

Somehow, he retained lots of female friends.
 
Posted by csk (Member # 1941) on October 08, 2004, 16:53:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Zim'et:
Though I constantly tell myself not to, I'm just attracted to the sort of masculine guy that will order me to make a sandwich. There seems to be nothing I can do about this because sweet, sensative, nerdy guys just aren't into me. I work at a comic book store and they still won't talk to me aside from requesting their books.

I think it's possible that "what we've got here is failure .. to communicate". Those nerdy guys could will be thinking "gee that girl that works at the comic book store is nice, but she's so attractive and into nerdy stuff that some other guy will have asked her out long ago. I better play it safe and not get my hopes up". It's quite plausible, because geeks are generally not known for their self confidence. Plus, I know I've been there myself (Met a nice med student at a party when I was at Uni, she was the one hinting that we should get together and have a game of tennis, and I was still too chicken to call her. Even though one of my male friends was a med student in her year, knew her, and she had mentioned meeting me to him)

Anyway, I think a variant on subtitles is needed for both genders. Perhaps we can use coded rings worn on the wedding ring finger, one colour for "single and looking", another for "currently going out with someone", another for "single and not looking", etc. Although girl geeks like Zimet might end up being overwhelmed once they put on the "single and looking" ring [Wink]
 
Posted by TMBWITW,PB (Member # 1734) on October 08, 2004, 17:11:
 
Claddaghs for everyone!
 -

Edit: For those who don't know, the location and orientation of the claddagh on your hand(s) lets people know your dating status. I don't remember exactly what is which, so Google it people! [Wink]
 
Posted by csk (Member # 1941) on October 08, 2004, 18:00:
 
OK, from here

1--On the right hand, crown in heart out, the wearer is free as the birds in the sky. If you want her, go a courtin'.
2--On the right hand, crown out heart in, the lass is spoken for, so lay off.
3--On the left hand, place of choice, heart in crown out, she is happily married for evermore.

Gotta get me one of those [Wink]
 
Posted by Rhonwyyn (Member # 2854) on October 09, 2004, 00:27:
 
Umm, I doubt they have one for "divorcing, but it wasn't all my fault, so wait a few months and then I'll be free to start something with you" rings, CSK. Too bad, 'cause I've met too many men like that who seemed charming on the outset, but then I found out that they really were married, even if they weren't still living together.
 
Posted by CommanderShroom (Member # 2097) on October 09, 2004, 05:08:
 
Maybe everyone can wear 'open for business' signs. [Smile]

Then again even with rings of status I think that a true geek guy might still say to themselves 'she may be single, but I could never get with her.'

Since it's morning I just want someone to go make me some bacon and eggs. Any takers? [Wink]
 
Posted by csk (Member # 1941) on October 09, 2004, 06:26:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Rhonwyyn:
Umm, I doubt they have one for "divorcing, but it wasn't all my fault, so wait a few months and then I'll be free to start something with you" rings, CSK.

Yes, but my religious beliefs forbid me from remarrying, so I'd wear one in the "I'm taken, so buzz off" position indefinitely (or until Mrs csk remarries someone else)
 
Posted by drunkennewfiemidget (Member # 2814) on October 09, 2004, 09:24:
 
This would be an appropriate time for me to wear my t-shirt:

Great legs! What time do they open?
 
Posted by yuG8161 (Member # 3006) on October 09, 2004, 12:58:
 
I agree with csk. I've actually been thinking about love and relationships for the last ten years of my 32-year life and pretty much came up with one conclusion.

The problem with people nowadays is they have the wrong expectations of relationships and the way they go about it. Some people think of relationships as a defining factor in one's life. Something that gives meaning to living.

Getting back to the topic, I believe the problem is a matter of communication AND honesty. A lot of people aren't communicating properly, and even if they were, they're not communicating the right ideas. People should learn to listen to each other and be honest with themselves. A lot of people have this expectation they have with relationships and try to mold/fit the person they're getting to know with their own idea. Some people convince themselves that the person they're with will eventually change into the one that they want.

I believe that people getting into a relationship should come to an understanding at the onset that they're trying to find their ideal mate and that's all they're doing. No promises, no nothing. They should be honest and tell the other person exactly what they're looking for. And they should cover as many aspects as they can including things like personal hygience, personality, sex preferences, etc. No false preconceptions.

It's not really removing the romance out of the dating scene ... dating SHOULD be about getting to know each other and romance should just supplement that.
 
Posted by CommanderShroom (Member # 2097) on October 10, 2004, 06:27:
 
yuG8161,

I am going to have to disagree because it is what I love to do.

I think people expect too much from their partners. I remember when the sign of a good husband was works hard, is faithful, treats his family with respect. And a woman was works hard, is faithful, and treats her family with respect.

Now I hear people nit-picking about all the stupid things that they don't do. Everyone wanders around and expects a form of perfection and compatibility from a mate that just does not exist at all.

csk has got it right, too bad the Mrs. didn't see it the same. When you choose to marry someone there is no line that says 'until something better comes along' or 'until I get bored.' Unless those Aussies have made some changes to the rite. It is a serious commitment and it shows a definite failing in society that something like marriage that people say they still revere so much is treated so lightly. This same lack of true commitment shows up in every aspect of modern society. In order to treat something that is supposed to a lifelong commitment as a trivial thing then what about the smaller things in life? They are treated even more so as an annoyance.

Damn! I think I need another cigarette and a cup of coffee.
 
Posted by Callipygous (Member # 2071) on October 11, 2004, 04:47:
 
I think the reason so many marriages fail is not that people take the vows less seriously, I just don't believe that a significant number of people enter into marriage without intending a lifelong commitment.

It is simply a different world now. It may be true that unfortunately loyalty and duty are qualities regarded with as much suspicion as admiration now, but that is because they are too often used as a mask for dishonesty or discreditable behaviour of one form or another. It is also definitely true that there is not the social stigma that attached to divorce even a generation ago, and women have more economic power and opportunities than before as well as higher expectations in life. These last are surely good things.

It is just a harder world to make a marriage work, and I cannot say that I view the increase in divorce rates as necessarily wholly bad, as I remember well the substantial number of women of my parent's and grandparent's generation who were either crushed or driven slightly batty by a lifetime spent in an unsuitable or loveless marriage.

For this and other reasons, until I met my future wife I really thought it highly unlikely that I would ever marry. Curiously, like Xanthine, it was only when I accepted that, and decided to be happy and make the most of my freedom and single life, that I met her. Maybe if you are looking for love, it runs away and hides, but when you don't, it comes to find you.
 
Posted by Zim'et (Member # 2448) on October 11, 2004, 13:44:
 
I tried wearing a claddagh once... no one knew what it was. Maybe I could just get a special tatoo that secretly and subliminaly alerted guys to the fact that I am single and desperately looking. I wonder what that would be though? What do men like, just a symbol I mean? A symbol which held such power would be the most sought after knowledge of women EVERYWHERE. I must invent this immediately...
 
Posted by MTB Babe (Member # 2297) on October 11, 2004, 15:58:
 
Its already been invented! Its the see-through shirt. I'm sure it would fetch you a guy in no time!

[crazy] [Eek!] [crazy]
 
Posted by Xanthine (Member # 736) on October 11, 2004, 16:01:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Callipygous:
For this and other reasons, until I met my future wife I really thought it highly unlikely that I would ever marry. Curiously, like Xanthine, it was only when I accepted that, and decided to be happy and make the most of my freedom and single life, that I met her. Maybe if you are looking for love, it runs away and hides, but when you don't, it comes to find you.

I have another thought, and feel free to argue as I am quite young and naive in these matters.

They say you can't be loved until you love yourself. There's a lot of truth in that I think. Furthermore, I've heard myself in the past and a lot of lovelorn people in the present bemoaning how they feel like they're unfulfilled or less than a whole person without a relationship. That's not loving yourself. Loving someone, even yourself, means you accept them wholly, warts and all, for who they are and not for any other reason, and you forgive them for their faults without any reservation. Accepting your single status is part of that global acceptance of yourself. If you can get past that "I must be with someone" and just say "this is who I am, and I'm happy with that", then you've made a crucial step towards loving yourself, and it's that much easier for others to love you. That and by accepting yourself for who you are, your self-esteem gets an automatic boost and you'll have more self-confidence, which seems to be highly attractive, and you'll also gain some emotional independence, which, unless you've scored yourself a weirdo, is very much appreciated by your partner (though I've found that's it is possible to err on the side of too much independence).

Caveat: there's a line between self-acceptance and self-absorption. One's healthy. The other isn't.

So I strongly encourage all you singletons to get over your singleness. There's nothing wrong with you. In some ways, being single is better. I recently embarked on another relationship and am now re-living the whole expereince of sweating over someone else's job as well as my own (ever tried to dress a man with no dressy clothes for a job interview? It's kinda like clipping a guinea pig's nails...).

And Zi'met, you've probably figured in a few of those guys' wet dreams by now. I suggest talking to them. Take it slow, but be consistnetly attentive and you'll eventually get past their shyness. You may not end up with love, but you'll make some friends, and those are pleasant things to have.
 
Posted by Callipygous (Member # 2071) on October 11, 2004, 17:08:
 
Xan you are so far from naive that it.... well it seems a particularly long way from where you are!

You nailed it there, and the other thing is that when you run into someone you find attractive in this frame of mind, instead of trying to fit them into a hole in your life, you are more likely to be interested in entertaining, laughing, giving, and sharing the more interesting life and friends that you will by now have, which is surely more alluring to the other party than being some pathetic loser's saviour.

I wish it was you running for President, not these peculiar middle aged men. [Wink]
 
Posted by csk (Member # 1941) on October 11, 2004, 18:14:
 
Yep, Xanthine, once more you prove to be wise beyond your years.

The other advantage of this approach is for those of us with chameleon-like tendencies, it should cause us to be less likely to completely change ourselves for the sake of "the one". If you work out who you are, then fit a relationship around that, it's much healthier, I think. Otherwise you aren't grounded, and inherently unstable (which isn't good for the relationship, either, since the other person is trying to work you out, and you keep shifting).
 
Posted by Xanthine (Member # 736) on October 11, 2004, 18:22:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Callipygous:

I wish it was you running for President, not these peculiar middle aged men. [Wink]

Hehe. I'm 11 years too young to even be eligible, and I'm far too honest to ever be a politician.

I agree csk. All I can add to that is that finding out who you are usually involves an unpleasant ass-kicking or two or three or four...
 
Posted by csk (Member # 1941) on October 11, 2004, 18:26:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Xanthine:
All I can add to that is that finding out who you are usually involves an unpleasant ass-kicking or two or three or four...

Bwhaa .. I just had a bizarre thought.

"WWCVD - helping trolls develop a strong sense of self since 2004!"
 
Posted by GameMaster (Member # 1173) on October 12, 2004, 07:48:
 
The problem with the Claddagh is that no one remembers which way is which, and so I personally would always see the claddah and assume it was a promise ring of sorts (as they are sometimes used).

There is something to be said X for needing to know who are and where you are going (and feeling you have self worth) seperate from the relationships you may be in or are trying to get into. Remember that no one needs a romantic relationship, though they are what most of us want.
 


© 2015 Geek Culture

Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM 6.4.0