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Posted by Aphex (Member # 2699) on May 07, 2004, 23:16:
 
Hi everyone... I've been reading this forum for quite a while, and I've gained some tips along the way! Huzzah!

Here is my plight: I am nearly 18 (bday is end of july) and I have never had a girlfriend... I've never even kissed a girl (not counting relatives, obviously). [cry baby]
Yeah, I know all about the "don't follow the standards that society imposes on you" thing, but I *want* a girlfriend. I'm not like most high school guys... I don't want a girlfriend simply for status or acceptance, I'm not picky about appearance (to a reasonable extent), and I'm not in it for the potential sex... I just want someone who is interesting to talk to, be with, and someone that can understand me. Sometimes I think that I'm the only one among my peers who thinks that way.
It seems that everyone around me has a girlfriend, and I constantly have to listen to people talk about how happy they are with their bf/gf and how awesome it is to have someone, ad nauseum.. I do realize that some of the relationships I see are either shallow, or a total facade, but some must be for real.
I'd have to say I'm not bad looking at all (girls have told me this), but it seems that whenever I try to start a relationship, I end up with the dreaded LJBF syndrome, or the girl tells me she "doesn't like me in that way"...
Granted, I am a major computer geek, but I do have social skills to some extent (e.g. I don't try to impress girls by starting a conversation on the merits of protected memory space for programs, and other stuff like that [Roll Eyes] ). I do have a couple of girls that are my friends, but that's basically it. I've thought about it, and even asked other people, and they don't seem to see anything wrong with me (personality or appearance-wise).

In short, my question is "What is wrong with me?"


PS- Sorry for the huge post!
 
Posted by Xanthine (Member # 736) on May 07, 2004, 23:33:
 
Go to college. Problem solved.
 
Posted by MacManKrisK (Member # 955) on May 08, 2004, 00:37:
 
Dude, I'm 22, and as of yesterday (May 7th), I celebrated my one month annivarsary with my first ever girlfriend. [Big Grin]

The only thing I can say is so cliche that it's just sick, but I understand it better now. Worrying about it will get you nowhere, it'll happen when it happens. It'll also probably happen when you least expect it and when you're least looking for it.

Waiting anxiously will only make you more nervous about any potential relationship you might have, causing you to second guess yourself (and the substance of the relationship) all the time. Second gussing is bad! Just let it happen when it does.
 
Posted by Alan! (Member # 1261) on May 08, 2004, 03:19:
 
Congrats krisk.

I have no recommendations.
 
Posted by The Famous Druid (Member # 1769) on May 08, 2004, 03:31:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Aphex:
I am nearly 18 (bday is end of july) and I have never had a girlfriend... I've never even kissed a girl (not counting relatives, obviously).

So, you're from the Deep South then?

(sorry, couldn't resist)
 
Posted by Inexile (Member # 2700) on May 08, 2004, 04:52:
 
quote:
In short, my question is "What is wrong with me?"
Nothing. You're just doing a couple of things wrong.

Ok, I've never posted here before but I'm a geek through and through, always have been and have, over the years, been successful in getting girls. Sometimes MUCH more successful than others, with admitted year long dry spells here and there, but I do know what I was doing that got girls at various ages and what I was doing when I didn't.

Basically, get confident. And if you can't, learn to fake it. If you have a shy guy routine, drop it. Girls do not respect guys who they think of as "nice". They respect guys who they think of as interesting, confident etc. If you're nice on top of that, even better, but if it's your defining character trait, you're screwed.

Relax about girls, start thinking about something else and you'll find someone. I've met girls by playing pickup soccer, friends of my friends girlfriends, or just being a little agressive. Don't fear rejection and you'll succeed.

Also, my last EX runs a web magazine that published this article and I have to tell you - after 15 years of dating, this is solid gold.
 
Posted by Ivan (Member # 2622) on May 08, 2004, 10:04:
 
Wow. That was basically my situation, at least until I met my current girlfriend of 3 months [hearts] . I didn't really want a girlfriend, I was content w/ my friends. But then we became friends somehow and gradually grew on each other until the next thing you know we were dating. I have never gone out of my way to make friends, and people dont go out of their way to make me their friend (that's why i value my current friends so much), and I usually take a cynically apathetic view on anything social. The reasons are like you said, everyone is just trying to impress everyone, etc. But since hardly anyone knows of me and Rhimey, I know we have something special and unique. At least that's what i tell myself [Razz]

I dont suggest anyone follow my example (at least if they want a girlfriend) b/c it's incredibly hard to make friends if youre paranoid and hate people. [evil] [hearts]
 
Posted by Jace Raven (Member # 2444) on May 08, 2004, 13:07:
 
quote:
Basically, get confident. And if you can't, learn to fake it. If you have a shy guy routine, drop it. Girls do not respect guys who they think of as "nice". They respect guys who they think of as interesting, confident etc. If you're nice on top of that, even better, but if it's your defining character trait, you're screwed.

Relax about girls, start thinking about something else and you'll find someone. I've met girls by playing pickup soccer, friends of my friends girlfriends, or just being a little agressive. Don't fear rejection and you'll succeed.

This is absolute intelligence. I am a really shy, well make that more timid, guy but I have a lot of confidence in everything that I do. I have had people describe it as being smooth. I consider it more of being confident and a combination of not being afraid of rejection. These two are a great combination. I try to live my life without fear. I do however respect. i.e. When i hit a massive table-top, I hit it with all I have, only I respect the danger in what I am doing, I do not fear it. I live my life as if there is nothing to loose, not because I do not have anything, but because I will not let go of that I love dearly and will fight to the death for it. That and I will try anything, within reason, once.
 
Posted by NicoleTheStrange (Member # 2625) on May 08, 2004, 19:53:
 
I'm nearly 19, and I've never been in a relationship with another person.

Not to seem cynical about it, but I do not see what the big deal is. If you have a significant other, that's fine. If you don't, that's fine, too. It'll happen when it happens.

Just think of all the free time you have when you are not tied down to another human being.

(The sarcasm makes up for past experiences with unrequited love.)
 
Posted by Chesty (Member # 2460) on May 08, 2004, 22:27:
 
I spent my high school years without "dating" I went out with tons of chicks but never "went steady" (what do they call it today?)

In college i had a few steadies but that changed every year. I enjoyed the presence of many women but gave myself to none.

I ended up finding the love of my life - the only one i couldn't find anything wrong with - when i was 33 - and have been extremely happy ever since.

I have many friends that were quick to glom on and didn't realize the choices they had. I have many divoerced friends.

The ones I know that have the happiest marriages waited and weeded out the runners-up.

Have fun talk to lots of chicks and learn to relax around them - then start narrowing the field.
 
Posted by Sinn (Member # 2111) on May 08, 2004, 22:46:
 
I'm currently 21, with a steady girlfriend of ~2 months or so.

I'm doing ok now, but when I was in highschool I was in much the same boat as you.

My only advice to you is BE CONFIDANT! Sure, waiting around until a girl falls into your lap (figuratively or literaly) MIGHT work, but chances are it won't. You have to put yourself into the position to meet girls, and have an excuse to start talking to them.

I realize now that while I may not be model material, I'm a reasonably attractive person... I wish I had come to this conclusion while in school, because it would have boosted my confidence greatly.
 
Posted by csk (Member # 1941) on May 09, 2004, 04:32:
 
Let me add a counterpoint to all of the "be confident" advice. I'd say it's most important to be yourself. That's a good policy, and it sets the tone for the rest of the relationship. Plus, if you're comfortable enough to be yourself, you won't be so nervous as to spoil your chances with someone. As MMKK said, relationships tend to come along more easily when you're not looking for them, so chill out, be yourself, and you might be suprised what comes along.
 
Posted by Cathy (Member # 2673) on May 09, 2004, 07:39:
 
Hi ya,
As a female that doesn't know you, or anyone at this forum for that matter... I'd have to agree with everyone of them. Be confident, but most importantly be yourself.

quote:
Basically, get confident. And if you can't, learn to fake it. If you have a shy guy routine, drop it. Girls do not respect guys who they think of as "nice". They respect guys who they think of as interesting, confident etc. If you're nice on top of that, even better, but if it's your defining character trait, you're screwed.

It's true that females respect interesting people etc, but it's not true they don't respect guys they think of as "nice".

Given the increasing number of absolute *** out there, "nice guys" are more precious than anything to a well matured, understanding female.

As for the guys who are not "nice" and are "over confident", you and I both know girls aren't with them through love but through a whole "status" thing.

You'll find "Miss Right" some day. May be easier said than done, but believe me you will.

It does help when you get out there and have the opportunity to make new friends. Through past experiences, I've learnt to know the person well and not date a complete stranger! It could well be that some of those girls who dont like you in that way just dont know you well enough yet.

On second thoughts, did you ever notice some females are attracted to guys who already have girl friends? It's all the silly social status game.

You might argue I have no idea what I'm talking about...and maybe I don't. Although I felt like replying to your post!

No right way to pick up a girl, but there are a number of ways that are wrong.

Cathy.
 
Posted by sconzey (Member # 2347) on May 09, 2004, 16:20:
 
<cent>Dude, chill... When it happens it'll happen. That doesn't mean get apathetic and hope a girlfriend walks into your life, but it does mean you don't have to ask out anything that moves.

Oh, and potential girlfriend material crops up in the strangest places... My current girlfriend thought I was a right nerd and completely took the piss when we first met. (Though thank goodness I was so naive I didn't know it at the time).

The one before that was a big piss-taker too, then that gradually faded out as she got to know me. We're still good friends!
</cent>

<cent>
As to the nice guy thing. If a girl is not looking for a nice guy, or doesn't respect nice guys, she deserves the a$$hat she'll end up with.
</cent>
 
Posted by MTB Babe (Member # 2297) on May 10, 2004, 10:05:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Xanthine:
Go to college. Problem solved.

Exactly.
 
Posted by Orpheus (Member # 2397) on May 10, 2004, 16:23:
 
quote:
Originally posted by MTB Babe:
quote:
Originally posted by Xanthine:
Go to college. Problem solved.

Exactly.
so that's why I'm in grad school now...
 
Posted by Crimson Rider (Member # 2709) on May 11, 2004, 07:22:
 
Hmm, the eternal geek guy and girlfriend troubles.

Not to offend you Cathy, but I disagree.

I think there is something very wrong with a lot of woman considering the nice guy thing. They say they want the nice guy, but nine times out of ten they go for the stereotype outlaw biker. He is probably more of an alpha male I guess.

Sure the nice guys are respected and all, but almost never considered as a potential mate.
 
Posted by Cathy (Member # 2673) on May 12, 2004, 06:33:
 
quote:

I think there is something very wrong with a lot of woman considering the nice guy thing. They say they want the nice guy, but nine times out of ten they go for the stereotype outlaw biker. He is probably more of an alpha male I guess.

Sure the nice guys are respected and all, but almost never considered as a potential mate.

Unfortunately, that does happen. No denial there. No offence taken.I think it also depends on what female you're trying to get. The age too. Jerks deserve bitches. Nice girls deserve nice guys, and it takes longer as the nice people have "standards" and don't just go for any random person that walks past.

To be honest, I haven't been in a relationship for 3 years now as only complete idiots ask me out. I don't want a male who will take advantage of me, or will end up working in a fast food store all of his life. A career orientated guy is attractive to me, especially if I ever feel doomed!

My personal problem is I'm quiet and shy to start with, so it takes lots of work to get a date with a person such as myself. I've always been different to others. I was born with a club foot. I sound like a five year old, sometimes I cannot pronounce words that begin with the letter "R". It gets me into bad situations though. I dated a complete idiot for 5 months when I was younger. I learnt from it. I was also forced into that relationship by the guy. As stated before, I am very passive.

Cathy
 
Posted by Crimson Rider (Member # 2709) on May 12, 2004, 06:46:
 
Most geek guys are shy and timid as well.

On the avarage I since about 5 years refuse to play the dating game on the simple pretense that while girls are evil, guys are dumb. (Most girls & guys that is)

The exceptions to this rule are the people worth hanging out with, and at some times, have a relation with.

Unfortunatly one of the things that woman seem to like in geek guys, is the amount and level of dedication and loyalty said geeks give. This places a lot of power into one half of the relationship, and power corrupts. The bitches will take advantage of this, and I know quite a few geek guys that are so desperate that they'll take it.
 
Posted by Cathy (Member # 2673) on May 12, 2004, 06:59:
 
quote:
Unfortunatly one of the things that woman seem to like in geek guys, is the amount and level of dedication and loyalty said geeks give. This places a lot of power into one half of the relationship, and power corrupts. The bitches will take advantage of this, and I know quite a few geek guys that are so desperate that they'll take it.
Unfortunately, I don't think there will ever be 2 people who have the "perfect relationship".

I wouldn't go so far as to class geeks as the same. So long as I find a male who wouldn't cheat, expect sex only, try to gold dig off me (some have tried), date me to get with a friend, or so their friend can get with my friend etc.

The guy I like wears boxer shorts in some IT classes. Needless to say, he doesn't know i like him [Smile] . The irony is I think he likes me, but hey I hide my emotions...and really want him to get a haircut hehehe.
 
Posted by spungo (Member # 1089) on May 12, 2004, 07:03:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Cathy:

The guy I like wears boxer shorts in some IT classes.

Doesn't he get cold?
 
Posted by Crimson Rider (Member # 2709) on May 12, 2004, 07:06:
 
I suffered the gold dig problem myself, it stings when that happens. So I guess, I've grown a bit bitter.

Anyways, good luck with your boxers wearing IT guy, I hope you guys hook up some how.
 
Posted by Cathy (Member # 2673) on May 12, 2004, 07:17:
 
You would think he would get cold for sure. Especially in Canberra, Australia!!

It'll be interesting. I wonder if we ever will hook up. I'll see him tomorrow! I'll keep everyone posted [Smile]

Cathy
 
Posted by csk (Member # 1941) on May 12, 2004, 09:20:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Cathy:
The guy I like wears boxer shorts in some IT classes ... The irony is I think he likes me

If he wears boxer shorts around the place, you should be able to tell [Wink]

Yeah, I've been caught by that one before when wearing tracksuit pants [blush]
 
Posted by Chesty (Member # 2460) on May 12, 2004, 21:51:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Crimson Rider:
nine times out of ten they go for the stereotype outlaw biker. He is probably more of an alpha male I guess.

Sure the nice guys are respected and all, but almost never considered as a potential mate.

It's true, I see it all the time in my beach shack rentals- She bails out the guy who knocked the crap out of her. And then, upon celebrating his release from jail he gets drunk, knocks the crap out of her again and violin! she's scraping up bail loot again.

I got around that whole nice guy/bad boy thing by cheating. She fell in love with this guy:

 -

And ended up marrying ...


 -
 
Posted by Crimson Rider (Member # 2709) on May 13, 2004, 01:00:
 
Yeah, ok.

I never did understand WHY those woman hang out with those abusing bastards. Just observerd that they do.
 
Posted by Jace Raven (Member # 2444) on May 13, 2004, 12:58:
 
quote:
and really want him to get a haircut hehehe.
In general:

Men want the perfect girl, out of the box. No assembly required.

Women on the other hand want a man that they can make perfect.
 
Posted by Xanthine (Member # 736) on May 14, 2004, 12:40:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Crimson Rider:
Yeah, ok.

I never did understand WHY those woman hang out with those abusing bastards. Just observerd that they do.

Well, bad boys seem exciting, and then they get some sort of power over you...and then you're fscked.

Nice guys (or guys who appear that way) can turn out to be abusing bastards too. Trust me.

I think the big secret is to just stop looking. You don't find love. Love finds you.
 
Posted by Crimson Rider (Member # 2709) on May 17, 2004, 03:01:
 
Amen [Smile]

Hey kinda reminds me of that McBeal line;

Woman spend years trying to snare the perfect guy, then they spend even more years molding and shaping that guy, until one morning, they look at him over breakfast and say; "Hey, you are not the man I married"
 
Posted by CommanderShroom (Member # 2097) on May 17, 2004, 05:59:
 
Aphex,

I don't think there ever is a proper time to find a girlfriend.

I have been married for six years and messed with quite a few people in the years before. And if I look at it none were ever true girlfriends. I just ended up with them and stayed for a while and went our seperate ways.

My dating life didn't even truly get started until I was out of high school and after I got out on my own. I think part of it was that I was no longer dependant or truly needy. ALL women hate that.

Women seem to like to be needed, not depended on. I think there lies part of the appeal of the tough guys. Too many are trying to be mother hens to someone that needs them but doesn't NEED them. Crazy, huh?

Or in other words. I need my wife. I need her to be around and to share in my life but, if it ended tomorrow I would keep ticking. Just be comfortable with who you are and the rest seems to fall in place. Look but don't hunt for someone. When you hunt there is always a predator and a prey. Most of the time the hunter becomes the prey. Then you set yourself up for a fall and bitterness.

Take your time. It will happen if you are dilligent and patient.

CommanderShroom

How I miss the good old days. But I'm so glad they're gone. - Ben Harper - Burn to Shine
 
Posted by maven (Member # 2714) on May 17, 2004, 15:39:
 
chesty--NICE, haha.

original poster--trust me, they're not all they're made out to be.
 
Posted by spungo (Member # 1089) on May 17, 2004, 16:35:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Xanthine:
I think the big secret is to just stop looking. You don't find love. Love finds you.

That's what I tried to tell her attorney when they asked me about my infra-red goggles. [Wink]
 
Posted by mephisto (Member # 666) on May 29, 2004, 07:23:
 
to speak from my own experience about the right time to get a girlfriend, get one when you're mature enough to handle the relationship or you will end up killing it a long time down the road. See the thing is when you're young, you have preconceived notions and all kinds of crap in your head, give yourself time to experience life and learn what it is truly about before you start thinking about sharing it with others. And make sure that you can handle the kind of intimacy (i mean the emotional part) that comes as part of a relationship, atleast a long-term one.
you dont want to be at a point when maturity comes, the right girl is gone because of shit you did when you were immature.....
these'r my .002 canadian cents [Razz] feel free to take em or leave em....
 
Posted by mephisto (Member # 666) on May 29, 2004, 07:48:
 
btw, focus on getting a good woman not a hot one...
 
Posted by csk (Member # 1941) on May 29, 2004, 08:06:
 
quote:
Originally posted by mephisto:
btw, focus on getting a good woman not a hot one...

Since those two traits are mutually exclusive, right ? [Wink]
 
Posted by mephisto (Member # 666) on May 29, 2004, 10:17:
 
not always. there was my "one that got away after 4.5 yrs".... she was both and a geek to add to it...lol....just dont focus on the hotness is what i say. go for a girl that seems to be nice and kind and caring.....if she turns out to be hot...all the better. if she aint, well be happy with the love and completion that the relationship will bring you.....
 
Posted by Xanthine (Member # 736) on May 29, 2004, 14:05:
 
quote:
Originally posted by mephisto:
btw, focus on getting a good woman not a hot one...

The same could be said for men. Yes, girls do like bad boys (or some do, I prefer geeks myself...I'm enough of a badass for two people [Razz] ), but ladies, keep in mind that unless your bad boy has a good heart, he's only going to hurt you in the end. Of course, good boys can also turn out to have bad hearts...the dating game can resemble Russian roulette at times.

Here's my question. I have been called a good woman numerous times, always in a complimentary fashion. I don't really understand the compliment, especially since more often then not when it's given to me I haven't really done anything that I'd consider praise-worthy or even particularily feminine. I honestly though that such a label would never apply to me, given my tom-boy nature and the fact that I'm not all that interested in the traditional female role of housewife and mother (some women can do this, and that's great, it's a hard job, but I can't). Given the rise of conservatism in this country, desiring a career seems to discount any woman from ever being "good". So, can someone please help this poor clueless lab rat and explain exactly what a "good woman" is?
 
Posted by csk (Member # 1941) on May 30, 2004, 03:10:
 
quote:
Originally posted by mephisto:
if she turns out to be hot...all the better. if she aint, well be happy with the love and completion that the relationship will bring you.....

IMHO looking for "completion" from a single (romantic) relationship is asking for trouble. Puts too much pressure on that relationship, and if it breaks down, then one/both parties are stuffed. I'm not recommending multiple romantic relationships, but just don't put all your eggs in the one basket.

quote:
Originally posted by Xanthine:
Here's my question. I have been called a good woman numerous times, always in a complimentary fashion. I don't really understand the compliment, especially since more often then not when it's given to me I haven't really done anything that I'd consider praise-worthy or even particularily feminine. I honestly though that such a label would never apply to me, given my tom-boy nature and the fact that I'm not all that interested in the traditional female role of housewife and mother (some women can do this, and that's great, it's a hard job, but I can't). Given the rise of conservatism in this country, desiring a career seems to discount any woman from ever being "good". So, can someone please help this poor clueless lab rat and explain exactly what a "good woman" is?

It's a matter of character, IMHO. From my observation, you manage to do a good job of being strong, independent and courageous without being overbearing or insensitive. Not many people (especially females, IMHO) achieve that balance. I've been impressed with your character ever since I've been posting here, so count me amongst the "good woman" supporters.

/me just gets "really nice guy" a lot, which I translate as "spineless, weak pushover". Who, me, cynical?
 
Posted by nekomatic (Member # 376) on June 01, 2004, 05:59:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Xanthine:
So, can someone please help this poor clueless lab rat and explain exactly what a "good woman" is?

Maybe what they really mean to say is you're a good person, who just happens to be a woman?
 
Posted by priscilch (Member # 2727) on June 01, 2004, 16:50:
 
It's very hard to extrapolate what people mean.
You have to look at the age of the person and what nots.

If it be them older folk - a "good woman" might translate into the traditional role of being a woman. Nuturing, caring, motherly, basically a good wife.

A "good woman" can translate into a good heart. To see the kindness in you. Eh, hard to say.
 
Posted by Stereo (Member # 748) on June 02, 2004, 06:27:
 
Well, when I was around 10, my aunts use to say I was 'good to marry', as I could cook and sew. I'm now going on 31 (in a little more than a week [Eek!] ), and not only I'm not married, but there's no potential husband on my radar. A sign that times are changing, I guess.

Or maybe it's because I'm so independant - of mind and money. Scares the hell out of most men, it seems. Though I prefer to think that's because someone better (for me) is waiting a little further down the road. Oh well. [Roll Eyes] [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Dogbert (Member # 2513) on June 02, 2004, 08:52:
 
I was 5 or 6, but it didn't mean anything...
It was a bit like:
Me: "Hey Jenny, i dont like Bob anymore, you can have him if you give me Joe"
Jenny: "yea sure"
 
Posted by Stibbons (Member # 2515) on June 02, 2004, 09:02:
 
I was a polygamist aged 4. Got married to 2 people on the same day at playgroup. I later got to see one of them in the bath on Christmas, when I took a present round to her. However, being 4, it didn't have the same thrill as it would now* - actually, knowing what she's become now, I'm not sure I'd want to.

Here's wishing I'd married Natalie Portman when I was four... [evil]

*that is, seeing a young lady my age in the bath. Not a four year old [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Dogbert (Member # 2513) on June 02, 2004, 11:53:
 
Ohhh, i remember getting married in primary school.... [Razz]
With gummy rings, and the boy with the deepest voice as the "priest"
Yea.... those were the days....
 
Posted by The Famous Druid (Member # 1769) on June 02, 2004, 16:40:
 
My daughter was heart-broken when her fiance broke off their engagement during the last week of kindergarten. [cry baby]
 
Posted by Xanthine (Member # 736) on June 02, 2004, 21:05:
 
quote:
Originally posted by csk:
IMHO looking for "completion" from a single (romantic) relationship is asking for trouble. Puts too much pressure on that relationship, and if it breaks down, then one/both parties are stuffed. I'm not recommending multiple romantic relationships, but just don't put all your eggs in the one basket.

Yes, I think it is far better to be with someone just because you enjoy their company, not because you *need* them. DOn't get me wrong, I like it when there is something I can do for a guy, but when I'm given the "you are my everything" or "I can't live without you" lines (or one of their relations) I get kinda nervous. That's a heavy burden to place on someone, especially a fellow human. I ran into double trouble in this scenario once because not only did the guy have me on some sort of "you complete me" pedestal but he resented it that I didn't need him the way he needed me. It turned into some sick twisted thing where I felt guilty because I refused to be anything other than my own person. You would think a guy or girl would appreciate emotional independence, but apparently not.

quote:

/me just gets "really nice guy" a lot, which I translate as "spineless, weak pushover". Who, me, cynical?

Well, it can mean that. I've met my share of doormats. Do you feel like you're being treated as a doormat? I ask because what sometimes happens, and I have been guilty of this in the past, is, in order to prove that you're nice, you let yourself be a doormat. It is quite possible to be nice and still have a spine. People will even still believe that you are nice. In fact, they will respect you more if you stand up for yourself now and then. You will also resepct yourself more.
 
Posted by Elvermere (Member # 2456) on June 02, 2004, 22:06:
 
I'll ask the obvious question.....Why date at all? I think that having friends (as Xanthine mentions) is more important than "dating". Of course this is in a "whole of life" thing, rather than just the sex.

If dating implies sex, then I am sure that there are a lot more informative websites (probably with pretty pictures [Big Grin] ) to see how to talk a girl into bed.

My story: I am now 31. I went out with my first girlfriend at 20. This was a mistake, and pretty much at her behest. A peer pressure thing also caused this. It lasted 6ish months before I broke it off. Second girlfriend 6months after that (21). Married said girl after going out for 6 years and have now been happily married 4.

I'll just say that we both agree that we never "dated". We went round each others places, went to movies and dinner, but it always felt like friends, rather than a stressful overtone of "Date"

Please also note that I am sure that the concept of "Date" is different in different cultures (ie. Aussieland and Yankland) and this may make some comments invalid (particulary as you seem to come from the depths of hell [Cool] )

Xanthine:
Take being called a "good woman" as a compliment. I think the days are gone where that means you have to stay at home and cook/clean/sew/breed. I feel that this means that you are appreciated for who you are, not as a potential mate.

Hey, my wife and I support each other in whatever each of us want to do. This is career, home life, children etc, whatever is most important at the various stages in life. She's a good woman!

I'll say that in my social circle, being called "Good Woman" implies a compliment, whether you are career oriented or appear feminine or anything else.

Cheers
 
Posted by csk (Member # 1941) on June 03, 2004, 08:42:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Xanthine:
Well, it can mean that. I've met my share of doormats. Do you feel like you're being treated as a doormat? I ask because what sometimes happens, and I have been guilty of this in the past, is, in order to prove that you're nice, you let yourself be a doormat. It is quite possible to be nice and still have a spine. People will even still believe that you are nice. In fact, they will respect you more if you stand up for yourself now and then. You will also resepct yourself more.

Yes, this sounds like good advice. Now to try to practice it. I still find it hard to get my head around the fact that it's not good for other people to get their way 100% of the time...
 
Posted by mephisto (Member # 666) on June 03, 2004, 16:13:
 
quote:
Originally posted by csk:
quote:
Originally posted by Xanthine:
Well, it can mean that. I've met my share of doormats. Do you feel like you're being treated as a doormat? I ask because what sometimes happens, and I have been guilty of this in the past, is, in order to prove that you're nice, you let yourself be a doormat. It is quite possible to be nice and still have a spine. People will even still believe that you are nice. In fact, they will respect you more if you stand up for yourself now and then. You will also resepct yourself more.

Yes, this sounds like good advice. Now to try to practice it. I still find it hard to get my head around the fact that it's not good for other people to get their way 100% of the time...
haha. its never good for other people to get their way instead you should just have it your way and convince them that its what they want....
atleast thats how i feel [Smile]
ok completely seriously, being nice doesn't involve being a doormat nor does it involve letting the other person have what they want. being nice means being a person who has empathy for other people's feelings and reacts in a manner that will make the other person happier as and when situations dictate.
and no, lying to make someone feel better is verboten, rather honesty than the crap that comes with the "i'll make her feel good if i say this" lying just my 0.0002 cad [Smile]
 
Posted by spungo (Member # 1089) on June 03, 2004, 16:35:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Elvermere:
I'll ask the obvious question.....Why date at all?

'Cos women at bus stops get very upset when you ask to see their dirty pillows.
 
Posted by The Famous Druid (Member # 1769) on June 03, 2004, 19:30:
 
quote:
Originally posted by spungo:
quote:
Originally posted by Elvermere:
I'll ask the obvious question.....Why date at all?

'Cos women at bus stops get very upset when you ask to see their dirty pillows.
Then you're living in the wrong part of the world.
<true_story>
I'm standing outside a Metro(Tube/Subway/whatever) station in Rio.
Bus pulls up, passengers get off, most head straight down the escalators.
One young lady in office-worker clothes stops just outside the metro entrance, strips down to just her nickers, puts on little black party dress and high-heels, stuffs office-worker clothes in her bag, and then heads on down the escalators.

No-one other than me thought this event was at all noteworthy.
</true_story>
 
Posted by csk (Member # 1941) on June 04, 2004, 06:03:
 
quote:
Originally posted by The Famous Druid:
I'm standing outside a Metro(Tube/Subway/whatever) station in Rio.
Bus pulls up, passengers get off, most head straight down the escalators.
One young lady in office-worker clothes stops just outside the metro entrance, strips down to just her nickers, puts on little black party dress and high-heels, stuffs office-worker clothes in her bag, and then heads on down the escalators.

No-one other than me thought this event was at all noteworthy.
</true_story>

Good thing for her phone cams probably weren't invented then, huh [Big Grin]
 
Posted by The_Psychogenius (Member # 2366) on June 04, 2004, 13:32:
 
quote:
Originally posted by The Famous Druid:
quote:
Originally posted by spungo:
quote:
Originally posted by Elvermere:
I'll ask the obvious question.....Why date at all?

'Cos women at bus stops get very upset when you ask to see their dirty pillows.
Then you're living in the wrong part of the world.
<true_story>
I'm standing outside a Metro(Tube/Subway/whatever) station in Rio.
Bus pulls up, passengers get off, most head straight down the escalators.
One young lady in office-worker clothes stops just outside the metro entrance, strips down to just her nickers, puts on little black party dress and high-heels, stuffs office-worker clothes in her bag, and then heads on down the escalators.

No-one other than me thought this event was at all noteworthy.
</true_story>

Ah, you know them' city folk' ain't sup'ised at nuttin' no more!
 


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