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Posted by chicgeek (Member # 1556) on March 24, 2003, 19:18:
 
Inspired by a suggestion from Col. Panic, this is a rant all about redneckus ignoramus, the interesting species by which I am surrounded in Midland.
Like Jeff Corwin or The Crocodile Hunter, I am delving into the most dangerous and exciting habitats of these animals, the likes of which most self-respecting individuals would not go anywhere near.
These fascinating creatures, commonly known as rednecks, will be closely examined and discussed in this topic.
 
Posted by GMx (Member # 1523) on March 24, 2003, 20:04:
 
Why does it seem like that everyone that drives a pickup truck is an agressive a-hole driver? (more than just the regular agressive a-hole drivers)
 
Posted by SpikeSpiegel (Member # 1452) on March 25, 2003, 03:11:
 
i drive a pick up truck.. im not an aggressive a-hole driver.
 
Posted by GMx (Member # 1523) on March 25, 2003, 05:43:
 
Most aggressive a-hole drivers don't think they are. [Wink] I said why does it seem that most pickup truck drivers are aggressive. It may be different up there. [ohwell]
 
Posted by Colonel Panic (Member # 1200) on March 25, 2003, 06:24:
 
quote:
Originally posted by chicgeek:
Inspired by a suggestion from Col. Panic, this is a rant all about redneckus ignoramus, the interesting species by which I am surrounded in Midland.
Like Jeff Corwin or The Crocodile Hunter, I am delving into the most dangerous and exciting habitats of these animals, the likes of which most self-respecting individuals would not go anywhere near.
These fascinating creatures, commonly known as rednecks, will be closely examined and discussed in this topic.

While you're at it, don't forget basic studies in the common redneckus vulgaris. After you have that down, you can mov on to redneckus texas "Texas Whopper," "High Hair," "Bush's Ambush," "LBJ's Regret," and the ever popular "Lone Gunman."

Then there is the always deadly redneckus ayranus "White Power," and the related strain of redneckus religiousassus which includes "Waco Whackus," "McVeigh's Delight" "Weaver's Last Stand" and "Holier than Thou."

I find most of the redneckus species can also be identified by a distinct yellow belly. This is often typifieid by a distinct war cry, followed by demands that any war fought should be fought by another mother's son.

Colonel Panic
 
Posted by spungo (Member # 1089) on March 25, 2003, 07:58:
 
How do you know when you're a redneck? When you mow your lawn and find a pickup.
 
Posted by cheezi git (Member # 1598) on March 25, 2003, 08:18:
 
what do you call a redneck intellectual?

someone who doesn't shag their sister
 
Posted by spungo (Member # 1089) on March 25, 2003, 08:30:
 
Yup - the redneck motto - If it ain't kin, don't stick it in! [Wink]
 
Posted by spungo (Member # 1089) on March 25, 2003, 08:37:
 
... or your kids'll end up like this!

 -
 
Posted by raydreams (Member # 1897) on March 25, 2003, 08:51:
 

 
Posted by Colonel Panic (Member # 1200) on March 25, 2003, 09:10:
 
Your porch falls down and kills more than 6 dogs.

Colonel Panic
 
Posted by Xanthine (Member # 736) on March 25, 2003, 12:54:
 
Your dress is strapless but your bra isn't.
 
Posted by Colonel Panic (Member # 1200) on March 25, 2003, 13:04:
 
When the women lose their virginity, they shout, "Daddy, Stop! You're crushing my cigarettes!"

Colonel Panic
 
Posted by TMBWITW,PB (Member # 1734) on March 25, 2003, 13:37:
 
An old thread on the subject Here and a website on the subject Here.
 
Posted by spungo (Member # 1089) on March 25, 2003, 13:39:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Colonel Panic:
When the women lose their virginity, they shout, "Daddy, Stop! You're crushing my cigarettes!"

Colonel Panic

[Big Grin] Oh, Lordy!
 
Posted by GMx (Member # 1523) on March 25, 2003, 13:46:
 
What has ten heads and three teeth?

The front row at a Willie Nelson concert. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Cap'n Vic (Member # 1477) on March 25, 2003, 14:36:
 
quote:
Originally posted by GMx:
What has ten heads and three teeth?

The front row at a Willie Nelson concert. [Big Grin]

HAHAHAHAHAHA [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Xanthine (Member # 736) on March 25, 2003, 14:53:
 
You used parts from your brother's car to fix your mom's washer.
 
Posted by Steen (Member # 170) on March 25, 2003, 18:03:
 
You might be in the presence of a redneck if...

One of your co-workers, who has been known to get on the PA system and fart so everyone hears it, shows up giggling like an idiot for half the day and you finally give in and ask and he explains that he has played a practical joke on his wife. Seems he was really drunk the night before and came up with the idea of peeing in toilet tank so that when she flushed the toilet the next morning, it still needed flushed.

(true story, btw)
 
Posted by raydreams (Member # 1897) on March 25, 2003, 20:16:
 

 
Posted by chicgeek (Member # 1556) on March 25, 2003, 21:51:
 
I'm here, right middle of the natural habitat of the redneckus ignoramus: the bar. These are a fascinating species, indeed.

Right behind me are a few rednecks in the middle of a mating ritual.

After drinking out of a few brown bottles labeled "Bud Light", the male of the species begins to flaunt himself in order to attract the attention of the female. He struts toward her, tips his cowboy hat, and asks her to "dayance".

She, being rather intoxicated herself, takes his hand and they move toward the dance floor.

The male begins moving from one foot to another as the female moves her hips, alternately throwing her arms toward and away from her body. Yes, this is the mating dance of the redneck, a rather odd combination of girations and body spasms.

If you listen closely enough, you can hear the rednecks' brain cells voluntarily killing themselves off. Much like the lemming, the redneck brain cell seems doomed to extinction.

As the pair stumble off into the night, one can only hope that their nocturnal activities won't lead to more creation of their species.
 
Posted by Colonel Panic (Member # 1200) on March 26, 2003, 06:09:
 
quote:
Originally posted by chicgeek:
I'm here, right middle of the natural habitat of the redneckus ignoramus: the bar. These are a fascinating species, indeed.

Right behind me are a few rednecks in the middle of a mating ritual.

After drinking out of a few brown bottles labeled "Bud Light", the male of the species begins to flaunt himself in order to attract the attention of the female. He struts toward her, tips his cowboy hat, and asks her to "dayance".

She, being rather intoxicated herself, takes his hand and they move toward the dance floor.

The male begins moving from one foot to another as the female moves her hips, alternately throwing her arms toward and away from her body. Yes, this is the mating dance of the redneck, a rather odd combination of girations and body spasms.

If you listen closely enough, you can hear the rednecks' brain cells voluntarily killing themselves off. Much like the lemming, the redneck brain cell seems doomed to extinction.

As the pair stumble off into the night, one can only hope that their nocturnal activities won't lead to more creation of their species.

A particularly mushy part of this ritual is when the male redneck embraces the female redneck with a longneck in his hand, placing the bottle in the small of her back, thus declaring that he loves her enough for her to come between him and his beer. True love!

Colonel Panic
 
Posted by greycat (Member # 945) on March 26, 2003, 06:59:
 
quote:
Originally posted by raydreams:
You know you're a red neck if....

You've ever owned a stuffed Armadillo

Um... does this mean stuffed as in "toy stuffed animal" or as in "taxidermist was here"? If it's the former, I'm in trouble. Or my wife is.

quote:
You wake-up with a black eye and hicky
Y'know... that one actually sounds like fun. [crazy]
 
Posted by raydreams (Member # 1897) on March 26, 2003, 07:30:
 

 
Posted by Colonel Panic (Member # 1200) on March 26, 2003, 12:01:
 
quote:
Originally posted by raydreams:
quote:
Um... does this mean stuffed as in "toy stuffed animal" or as in "taxidermist was here"?
The later. You're safe.... as far as we know. [Smile]
So, Okay Mister raydreams-expert-on-Texas-redecks. [Wink]

Here's one for you? And I learned this down-a-your-way:

What's the difference between a cowboy and a pen rider?

Colonel Panic
 
Posted by raydreams (Member # 1897) on March 27, 2003, 12:09:
 

 
Posted by G-3PO (Member # 1851) on March 27, 2003, 14:28:
 
I live in Augusta, GA....I see rednecks everyday...not everybody here is, but it happens at least twice a day...overweight people in tight, sweaty undershirts with a beer in hand, or somebody with a confederate flag T-shirt....you get used to it fairly quickly, however.
 
Posted by chicgeek (Member # 1556) on March 29, 2003, 20:53:
 
What's particularly funny is the way Rednecks stroll around Wal-Mart like they're tourists or something. Wal-Mart in Midland isn't just a superstore -- it's an event.

It's really sad.
 
Posted by raydreams (Member # 1897) on March 30, 2003, 19:14:
 

 
Posted by Slurpy (Member # 2050) on April 05, 2003, 15:32:
 
What about the Redneck Neighbor?
 
Posted by SpikeSpiegel (Member # 1452) on April 06, 2003, 14:34:
 
hehe

somebody posted that earlier

funniest website ever.. well maybe not
but still one of hte funnier ones out there
 
Posted by cheezi git (Member # 1598) on April 06, 2003, 14:40:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Slurpy:
What about the Redneck Neighbor?

i found that site about a few months ago, and what struck me, apart from the fact that it would be a nightmare to live next to someone like that, is that the redneck neighbour sounds really sad and lonely, and to see someone that earnest, but ultimately crap, was depressing
 
Posted by Shapeshifter (Member # 2105) on April 06, 2003, 19:08:
 
quote:
Originally posted by raydreams:

You've had a boat parked on your driveway for more than a week

That's not strictly redneck. We actually don't have very many rednecks in this part of Virginia. I imagine they all got kicked out of this city because they were pissing in the ocean and scaring away the tourists.
 
Posted by Xanthine (Member # 736) on April 06, 2003, 19:32:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Slurpy:
What about the Redneck Neighbor?

I agree with cheezi. Funny at first, but ultimately depressing.
You know how some people are just a bit odd? As in, dysfunctionally odd? I mean, yeah, most of us have our quirks and all that, but we can contain that oddness. Others can't. I wouldn't call JD8 crazy, but he's definitely out of touch.
 
Posted by raydreams (Member # 1897) on April 07, 2003, 18:37:
 

 
Posted by Xanthine (Member # 736) on April 07, 2003, 18:51:
 
WTF?? What are they worried about? A Great Flood??
 
Posted by greycat (Member # 945) on April 08, 2003, 08:08:
 
"Most rednecks are content to have a dog under the porch, but Johnny Jim Bob wants an elephant under his."
 
Posted by Lossenelin (Member # 2093) on April 09, 2003, 02:45:
 
Geeks and Rednecks...
Am I only one who thinks "Hey, this could be an idea for a sitcom..."
 
Posted by TMBWITW,PB (Member # 1734) on April 09, 2003, 11:32:
 
I think the title for that show has already been taken
 
Posted by Slurpy (Member # 2050) on April 11, 2003, 03:59:
 
raydreams, that pic is awesome! The redneckiest (sic) neighbors that I have in the immediate neighborhood don't do anything worse than spraypaint the house numbers on the mailbox and the curb (no stencils, mind you). That, and have plastic pink flamingos next to the mailbox. I'd never seen any in real life until I saw this house. I'd always thought they were a myth, like the inbreeding jokes (if you ignore the blue people in Kentucky).
 
Posted by raydreams (Member # 1897) on April 11, 2003, 07:41:
 

 


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