This is topic I dated a nerd, and got burned. My sad story in forum Guys, Guys, Guys! at The Geek Culture Forums!.

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Posted by SaSa (Member # 4494) on October 18, 2005, 19:55:
Ok, so I'm not a nerd or a geek. I'd like to be one, and am TRYING to become one, or at least try to be smarter then I am. I have a nerd-fetish, you see. Glasses turn me on, an guys who are smarter then me impress me. I always thought I'd be happy with a smart guy, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe nerds aren't so nice [Frown]
It all started with my dad. He's a huge nerd. He used to work for PBS, and as a little girl I used to brag to my friends "My daddy's so smart, he knows EVERYTHING". So of course, my dad has nerdy hobbies. He's a history buff, who travels all over the state and lectures. Well, one day I went with him to one of his events and I met this devistatingly attractive and smart guy there. I fell hard, and we hit it off.
See, at first everything was great. I felt secure in the fact that he was so smart, because it felt like if I ever had a problem, all I had to do was ask him, and he'd know what to do. He was my hero. But then...
He and his super-smart friends would tell jokes that were way over my head, or discuss intense political topics of which I had no understanding, and I felt like such an idiot because I wasn't as smart as they were. And then it eventually felt like he KNEW he was smarter then me, and felt superior because of it. I remember one time we were sitting on a porch, watching the sunset. It was so romantic, I commented on how beautiful the pink horizon looked. He looked at me as if I was a moron and said, "Well, the only reason why it's pink is because of the light polution caused by the citylights, not to mention the smog. But yeah, sure, whatever you say; smog and neon lights are sooo romantic." I felt so stupid.
He was also very judgemental, cynical and arrogant. He said that anyone who listened to rap music shouldn't be allowed to reproduce...I immediately hid all of my Eminem cds and hoped he never found out.
I'm a model and actress, and so I do alot of silly commercials and printwork for magazines. I had to once do a photoshoot for a teen-pop fashion mag. My ex thought it was sooo uncouth and only idiots read those types of magazines, etc. I used to turn down paying jobs because I was always afraid of what he'd think.
Then one day he was talking about this girl who was a lecturer of music theory in the state university. He kept blathering about how SMART she was and how HOT he found that. It was at that moment that I knew the truth. He didn't want me... because I wasn't geeky enough.

And so that's my sad story. I've found that geeks and nerds can be just as snobbish and mean as "populars."

Guys, PLEASE tell me that not all intellectual men act like this!
Posted by SaSa (Member # 4494) on October 18, 2005, 20:08:
p.s. But all joking aside, do geeks think nongeeks are inferior?
Posted by dragonman97 (Member # 780) on October 18, 2005, 21:51:
You should go out with a geek, not a nerd. [Wink]

Regarding the geek/non-geek situation when dating - good question. What's the answer? I don't know. I just spent my evening with two lovely, smart ladies*, and had a pleasant time... Would I have preferred the company of non-geeks? I'm not sure. I concede that I haven't really dated anyone who wasn't a geek in some capacity, but I do realize it would be a *lot* easier to find a non-geek who isn't taken. :shrug: I do enjoy time spent with geeks a whole bunch, though, so I tend to think I do have something of a preference. Being able to discuss exactly how I feel about certain practices of Google and get real feedback is preferable to being met with a blank stare followed by soemthing like "Huh? I thought Google was just a search engine - and a so-so one at that."** I'd never make the remark about the pink sky, but I might have a choice word or two to say about some music that is 'popular.' (I'd not criticize it's listeners, though. For instance, I like, but some people consider it pretentious bollocks. [Wink] ) Oh, and OTOH, I'm presently just a tad smitten with a cute waitress from tonight - probably an NYU student, and likely not a CS person, but I don't think I'd care much right about now. [Wink] [Razz] She brought me coffee, therefore she's an angel. [Wink] (She wasn't even my 'wait person. Whee!) Okay, I'm going to stop babbling now, and get some rest or something - I've got a long day ahead of me.

*Geek friends of mine, I should add, heaven forbid anyone were to misread that. [Wink] [evil]

**Long story - there are some people who have no clue how to use Google.

P.S. I wonder if something like a certain curiously named search tool could be set up for GC. 'Twas damn useful for finding those links above.

P.P.S. Apologies for any typos - I'm experiencing a lot of lag composing this post. (Using an iBook to VNC into my Mini via 802.11b [128 bit WEP, though].)
Posted by CommanderShroom (Member # 2097) on October 18, 2005, 23:18:

There is an old saying I remember from growing up. No matter how much perfume you spray on sh** it is still sh**. He sounds (without actually being there) like an ass. Geek, nerd, jock or socialite. An ass is an ass. So yeah geeks and nerds can also be mean and snobbish.

Don't think of yourself being not as smart as someone else. Perhaps unlearned in certain areas. But the simple fact that you even hunger for more knowlege takes you out of the dumb category. Now, that said, the fact that you were willing to change yourself for someone else's gratification is not the brightest thing to do. If you are not allowed to be yourself in a relationship, then it is already over.

Note: I was admiring the sky tonight coming in from out of town. Yes I know the fact the sky looked so wonderous was due to fact the the lights of town were reflecting off a mix of smog and rainclouds. But who cares it sure looked nice.
Posted by The Famous Druid (Member # 1769) on October 18, 2005, 23:53:
Sasa, I've got to agree with the Commander here, the guy sounds like an ass.

/me has been happily married to a non-geek for 21 years.
Posted by skylar (Member # 1422) on October 19, 2005, 03:11:
Hey Sasa... I agree with those who have said that this guy you were going out with sounds like a complete and total idiot. In my experience, anyone who makes you feel stupid or down on yourself is one of the worst types to be stuck in a relationship with, so don't lament the relationship - celebrate the fact that it's over!

Regarding the issue of geeks feeling superior to non-geeks, I don't think that is the issue. I know a lot of geeks take issue with those who have been cruel to them or bullied them because of their geekiness... However, essentially, if you're nice to the right kind of geek, then they'll be nice back. They just love it, I tell ya [Big Grin] .

The "right kind of geek", to me, is the kind that not only loves knowledge, but loves sharing it, and wants you to love it, too. They don't want you to feel bad because they have it and you don't. So look out for that type - they're far more common than the other, methinks.
Posted by Stereo (Member # 748) on October 19, 2005, 07:54:
I'll be the discordant voice here.

Sasa, you say you felt dumb when he joked and discussed with his friends. But was it what he wanted? Did he intend to make you feel dumb? I know that for one, I wouldn't stop a heated discussion nor avoid telling jokes because someone might not get it. He was just doing his own things. You can't ask him to stop and explain everything so you can follow, that would kill the discussion. When it happens, I see two options for you.

Option one: wait afterward, and ask him to explain. Read the newspaper, document yourself, until you can join the discussion with your own point of view and tell your own jokes. (Yes, your own. I thing most geeks will agree with me: there's nothing more boring than someone who always agree with you.)

Option two: do your own thing when it happens. Go out with your girlfriends and talk about girly things your boyfriend has probably no interest in. There's no need to be always together.

But first and foremost, talk to him about it. See what he really thinks about you and your relationship. Find a middle ground, or break up if there's none. But lamenting about how dumb you feel to strangers while doing nothing about it won't help.

Good luck!
Posted by Fictional24m (Member # 4469) on October 19, 2005, 07:56:
The "right kind of geek", to me, is the kind that not only loves knowledge, but loves sharing it, and wants you to love it, too. They don't want you to feel bad because they have it and you don't. So look out for that type - they're far more common than the other, methinks.
I got to agree. I myself yearn for knowledge and anyone who wants to learn something new. If I was watching the sunset with someone else it would thrill me to death if they asked why is it pink? If I didn't know I would want someone who would be like lets go look it up. Now if we could only use Google to find good Geeks.
Posted by illuminatus (Member # 2187) on October 19, 2005, 08:59:
He may be an intellectual, but (IMHO) it seems he lacks moral standards. Ironically enough, his personality sounds similar to my own and many colleagues of mine.

I try to not be so judgemental, cynical, and arrogant. Unfortunately so many things irritate me in this world that those traits just materialize.

Anyway, to answer your question: no, not all intellectual men are like this. This guy sounds like a grade A asshole.

Never feel "inferior" or "stupid" just because someone is talking over your head. The only time you should feel bad is when you do not care to discover more about things which interest you, or if you simply lack interest in everything.
Posted by Doco (Member # 371) on October 19, 2005, 09:07:
hmmmm - only 2 posts, both in this thread, and they basically rip on geeks/nerds in a forum for geekculture.

Sounds like a troll to me.... please don't feed.
Posted by Sxeptomaniac (Member # 3698) on October 19, 2005, 10:30:
I'll check the box next to "The guy's an ass." The way he used his knowledge to crap all over your enjoyment of a beautiful view tells me he's far too immature for a real relationship.

I think you should probably get some counseling, though, SaSa. The way you changed yourself and subordinated your desires to his tells me that you have some issues to deal with.
Posted by CommanderShroom (Member # 2097) on October 19, 2005, 11:44:
Originally posted by Doco:
hmmmm - only 2 posts, both in this thread, and they basically rip on geeks/nerds in a forum for geekculture.

Sounds like a troll to me.... please don't feed.

Doco, you may very well be correct. But SaSa does pose an interesting question.

Do we, in the sub-culture of geek, use our intelligence to belittle others?

I know for certain that many of us do like to show our intelligence. We are proud of that fact. We love our conversations about the programming languages we use or the bizarre hardware/software/social engineering feat we just accomplished.

So is this attitude equal to a snobbish attitude? Or is it others insecurity about their own abilities that make them feel this way. Was her b/f truly a mean and selfish person as he appears to be from the textual account? Or are we merely getting the view from someone that is outside of our clique?
Posted by GameMaster (Member # 1173) on October 19, 2005, 13:12:
Couple points:
- If he meant to make you feel stupid, he's an ass
- If he thought himself better than you, he's an ass.

Some geeks are elitest just as some popular people are elietest... In order to hang arround with them, you must be 1337 and k3w1. Some geeks realize that "Every man is in someway [their] better. In that, [they] learn from them." -- Twain (I think). Personally, I feel sorry for someone who isn't able to look at the sunset and see it as glorious thing; even, if the effect of certian sunsets is light polution.
Posted by BJE (Member # 4498) on October 19, 2005, 16:36:
There's another thing to remember about this whole (sad) deal. There is a theory about intelligence. Actually, it's the theory of multiple intelligences. Not sure if it will stand the test of time, but it does help to explain some things we observe.

Bottom line: your ex may be possess certain intelligences, but he is obviously lacking in others. He may be "word smart" or ""number/reasoning smart", but he obviously ain't so "people smart." The older I get (I'm probably close to being old enough to be your dad), the more I marvel at home people so obvioulsy gifted in some areas can be tremendously deficient in others. You feel burned. That is completely legitimate. But don't continue to feel inferior to him. You're obviously not!

In case you're interested, you can learn more at: this site

No guarantees about the veracity of everything you find at this site, btw. :-)
Posted by Too Cool To Quit (Member # 2217) on October 19, 2005, 17:31:
I feel bad, because I have done this before with my ex-girlfriend/girlfriend (I honestly don't know which one she is anymore) ...

That's all I can contribute to this thread though...

But, yes, geeks can be assholes...
Posted by Rhonwyyn (Member # 2854) on October 19, 2005, 17:51:
Originally posted by Too Cool To Quit:
But, yes, geeks can be assholes...

Everyone can exhibit that behavior. Geeks just know how to do it with CLASS!
Posted by Doco (Member # 371) on October 19, 2005, 18:47:
Originally posted by CommanderShroom:
Do we, in the sub-culture of geek, use our intelligence to belittle others?

I guess that is an interesting question... And one that is really hard to answer. Of course in any group (or sub-culture) there are people who will belittle others and in general be jerks. The real question is - is it any worse than "normal" for geeks.

To give my own take on that - I think that a fair number of geeks are jerks, but most are pretty good people. They mirror the general population in that respect. Most people are pretty good. This is especially true once you get to know the person.

When you are an outsider to a group it can be very easy to take comments or actions as slights against you, even when they aren't intended to be. It is just that as an outsider you don't know the in-jokes or what is considered "normal" behavior for that group. If you came to visit me when I was with my uncles doing chores in the barn you might be offended by the profanity, girly calendars in the milk house, and general name calling that is done. "Shithead" is a term of endearment in that group.
Posted by SaSa (Member # 4494) on October 20, 2005, 10:10:
Thanks, guys. I guess you're probably right. I mean, I really tried hard to fit in with him...Maybe alittle too hard. Most of his "geeky" friends liked me... it just seemed like HE didn't. I remember once his best friend (also a smart guy) actually told him (good-naturedly) to quit snubbing me.

Anyways, if the majority of intellectuals are as nice as you guys, I guess I don't have anything to worry about [Smile]
Posted by SaSa (Member # 4494) on October 20, 2005, 10:18:
Hmm... I may not be smart enough to be a geek or a nerd. I'm more of a sub-species known as a first-class flake! LOL

Hey, Doco, what's a "troll"?
Posted by CommanderShroom (Member # 2097) on October 20, 2005, 11:23:
Originally posted by SaSa:
Hey, Doco, what's a "troll"?

Well to give the Cliff Note's version. A troll is someone that posts just for the purpose of stirring up trouble. Doco was concerned that since the only posts that you made were two talking about a geek thwith a terrible attitude that perhaps it was an attack.
Posted by SaSa (Member # 4494) on October 20, 2005, 11:26:
Oh no! I didn't mean to make any trouble. It's just that I just found this place yesterday and those were the only posts I did so far. I hope I didn't offend anyone [Frown]
Posted by Grummash (Member # 4289) on October 20, 2005, 12:36:
Hi SaSa

Welcome to the forums [Smile]

You may find that you fit in easier it you don't try so hard to fit in.....If the asshole was only interested in someone just like himself well, hey, I'm sure he has a mirror!
As the late lamented Frank Zappa said -
"Do you know what you are
you are what you is"

..and for anyone who treats other people with respect, that is usually enough.
Forget him, move on, have fun [Wink]
Posted by drunkennewfiemidget (Member # 2814) on October 20, 2005, 15:52:
There are asses that fit into every stereotype.

He was just an ass. Move on, you'll be fine.
Posted by Callipygous (Member # 2071) on October 20, 2005, 16:34:
You should not in most circumstances either look up or down at anyone. We all have our various gifts and talents, and are smart in some areas and completely shtoopid in others. I try (unsuccessfully) to be like my father, who had a rare ability to see the best in just about everyone, and which somehow usually made them want to live up to his estimation of them.
Posted by ubergeekprincess (Member # 4428) on October 21, 2005, 02:13:
There are people from every stereotype(whether geeks, jocks, nerds, artists, etc) that will use their particular specialty to make someone else feel stupid. People are just that, people. Some like to feel superior, however, in my experience, most are fairly decent [Smile] .
Posted by Black_Pearls_and_Lace (Member # 4586) on November 14, 2005, 21:29:
Sasa, the guy was an asshole. He didn't have to be so patronizing. You can be smart and enjoy the simple things without overanalyzing them.

On the other hand, it doesn't sound like you were a good match. If you can't fit in in each other's world, it's not going to work. It wasn't fair that he looked down on your work - he should have understood that it's a big part of you and that if he wanted you, he should have attempted to understand what makes you tick. BUT, the fact that you couldn't keep up with the things they were talking about was probably unattractive to him too.

The way I see it, since you like the intellectual type, you might have to make some changes if you'd like to date other guys like that. Not all will be allergic to pop culture, but if you want to maintain their interest, you'll have to learn how to function in their world. You'll have to start educating yourself about subjects you're interested in, because, ultimately, a guy like that will not stay interested for long without intellectual stimulation. Once the magic of getting such a beautiful girl wears off, they'll start missing the intellectual challenge of an equal. And when that happens, they start resenting you.

The same thing is happening to me, but in reverse. I've tried very hard to date non-academics, and while they are fresh at the beginning, it becomes mind-numbing to not be able to share my interests with them. Remember that for an academic, for example, his work is not 9-5. We take it home to bed. And it's nice to have someone in bed to talk about what's so important to you.

Alternatively, there are guys with geeky interests, but who are more main-stream. You might find that you'll be happier with one of them, who'll find your world exciting and in whose world you could participate without altering who you really are.
Posted by SaSa (Member # 4494) on November 16, 2005, 00:03:
Well...Kinda...sorta....Here's the thing. I'm now realizing that it wasn't that the stuff he talked about was over my head... it's more along the lines of I TOTALLY DISAGREED WITH HIM on most things. Like, he was always preaching how people who live in cities sub-divisions are the scum of society. Whereas I think it's foolish to generalize and judge someone based on the location of their residence.

But that's just an example... [Wink]
Posted by Black_Pearls_and_Lace (Member # 4586) on November 17, 2005, 01:19:
So you should have told him exactly how you felt and why. If he always needed to be right, then methinks he had a bit of a psychological problem.
Posted by Demosthenes (Member # 530) on November 17, 2005, 06:33:
Originally posted by CommanderShroom:
There is an old saying I remember from growing up. No matter how much perfume you spray on sh** it is still sh**.

You know, when I started reading that paragraph, I thought you were talking about the original poster...I gave up on her as soon as I read "trying to become a geek."

Sigh. [Roll Eyes]
Posted by Wick (Member # 4608) on November 17, 2005, 07:34:
Originally posted by SaSa:
Ok, so I'm not a nerd or a geek. I'd like to be one, and am TRYING to become one, or at least try to be smarter then I am. I have a nerd-fetish, you see. Glasses turn me on, an guys who are smarter then me impress me.

Wait? I thought most people was trying to avoid nerds yet your wanting to become one. Interesting.

Hey, I got glasses. Though I am not going to claim to be smarter [Wink]

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