This is topic how can i get him to notice me? in forum Guys, Guys, Guys! at The Geek Culture Forums!.


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Posted by hopeless29 (Member # 2807) on June 23, 2004, 16:07:
 
there is this really HOTT guy at the pool i go to but his friend likes me but i don't know if the guy that i like likes me!? [thumbsdown] ...... does ne one know how i can get him to notice me (besides my top coming off cause my top fell off already but on accident, he did notice me though............) thanks! [Smile]
 
Posted by TMBWITW,PB (Member # 1734) on June 23, 2004, 16:58:
 
I think the best way to get noticed is to wear a bikini and tattoo his name everywhere you can on your body. Then march by the pool playing the euphoneum and waving a banner with the confederate flag.

Of course if what you really want is for him to like you then I would suggest something more along the lines of starting up a conversation and seeing if you have any mutual interests. [Wink]
 
Posted by Aditu (Member # 2340) on June 23, 2004, 16:59:
 
Well dropping your top might not be the attention you want. [Big Grin]

I would try to find out some of his interests, so you have something to talk about and something you could do. Does he like rock climbing or horror flicks, etc?

Then you could suggest doing something together in a casual way. Maybe even ask some other people to come, so it is low pressure the first time you meet away from the pool
 
Posted by Cap'n Vic (Member # 1477) on June 23, 2004, 17:12:
 
I dunno. I'm all for more top droppings. Post a pic while your at it [Wink]
 
Posted by illuminatus (Member # 2187) on June 23, 2004, 19:30:
 
every just walk by and say hi? you don't have to really say it verbally. you can just smile
 
Posted by Aves Corax (Member # 2533) on June 23, 2004, 20:14:
 
Well, the top dropping probably worked very well. Mainly though, I think the way to get him interested in you is to be interested in him. Strike up a conversation, smile, make eye contact. If you've got a good sense of humor, be funny. But definately relax. You might want to stick to the eye contact, smiling, and top dropping until you think you can get through a conversation without losing your cool.
 
Posted by spungo (Member # 1089) on June 24, 2004, 04:36:
 
Set fire to yourself and then write out your love message to him on the ground in scorch marks. [Smile]
 
Posted by sconzey (Member # 2347) on June 24, 2004, 13:26:
 
Move to OUTER MONGOLIA and over a period of SEVENTEEN YEARS SIX MONTHS THREE WEEKS TWO DAYS FIVE HOURS TWELVE MINUTES AND FORTY-THREE SECONDS train a TROUPE OF DANCING MONKEYS then you must return to the god-forsaken hellhole which is SOUTH DAKOTA, hand them all SEMI-AUTOMATIC DEER RIFLES, and make them do their WILD MONKEY DANCE.

Alternatively, you could just say 'hi'.

/me has discovered xemacs -f psychoanalyse-pinhead
 
Posted by ooby (Member # 2603) on June 24, 2004, 13:36:
 
Thinking for a bit about the original post, I don't like people until after I interact with them. Maybe you should reclassify your 'liking' him to 'has a crush on' or 'thinks he's cute.' Then you may be able to think of steps to get you to 'determining if he likes you and if you like him,' which, in many cases, is called a 'date.'
 
Posted by Too Cool To Quit (Member # 2217) on June 24, 2004, 16:16:
 
quote:
Originally posted by sconzey:
Move to OUTER MONGOLIA and over a period of SEVENTEEN YEARS SIX MONTHS THREE WEEKS TWO DAYS FIVE HOURS TWELVE MINUTES AND FORTY-THREE SECONDS train a TROUPE OF DANCING MONKEYS then you must return to the god-forsaken hellhole which is SOUTH DAKOTA, hand them all SEMI-AUTOMATIC DEER RIFLES, and make them do their WILD MONKEY DANCE.

Alternatively, you could just say 'hi'.

/me has discovered xemacs -f psychoanalyse-pinhead

Whoa whoa, wait...

You're telling me there is a NORTH DAKOTA?!? [Eek!]
 
Posted by Alan! (Member # 1261) on June 25, 2004, 02:12:
 
Best thread ever!

And I had almost forgotten about Zippy, king of non-sequitur.

Does this emacs addon work with OS-X?
 
Posted by dragonman97 (Member # 780) on June 25, 2004, 07:54:
 
[religious war]
Nooooo! Not emacs. Why does anyone want a kitchen sink? I use a real text editor, thank you very much.
[/religious war]
 
Posted by Jace Raven (Member # 2444) on June 25, 2004, 08:15:
 
Garr, I'ze be uzin da VI. Arrrrr.
 
Posted by hopeless29 (Member # 2807) on June 25, 2004, 14:07:
 
quote:
Originally posted by ooby:
Thinking for a bit about the original post, I don't like people until after I interact with them. Maybe you should reclassify your 'liking' him to 'has a crush on' or 'thinks he's cute.' Then you may be able to think of steps to get you to 'determining if he likes you and if you like him,' which, in many cases, is called a 'date.'

i Have "interacted" with him, i told everyone that his friend likes me, (which i agree with you when you say to LIKE someone you have to KNOW them)so OBVIOUSLY i have interacted with him and his friends
[crazy] ne way, i've talked to him before but not much but from what i've heard him say (and he seems VERY polite) and how he looks i DEFINETELY LiKe him [Big Grin] ! So i guess i should rephrase what i asked earlier, how do i know if he feels the same way about me that i feel about him? [Confused]
 
Posted by dragonman97 (Member # 780) on June 25, 2004, 15:37:
 
Please read some scripture.
 
Posted by v01d (Member # 2272) on June 25, 2004, 19:33:
 
I agree with ooby on this one. How do you know you *like* a person that you *don't know*? Would you still like the same hot dude if the entirety of his interests are (sorted by precedence): 1) getting laid 2) showing off in his lolly-pop Mustang convertible (red, of course) 3) having a beer with his gym-buddies, discussing 1 and 2?

Anyhow, quite the oposite, maybe he's just a good (decent) friend and won't make a move on you until his friend who got a crush on you takes his chance.
Well, unless he's a type that has no problem with dating his friend's girlfriends...

And a really good bit of advice: leave him be. Go back to the geek stuff. (Optional: make it easy to get your aim/icq/whatever.)
 
Posted by Xanthine (Member # 736) on June 25, 2004, 21:17:
 
So there's this book being passed around my lab called The Rules. I'll spare y'all the details by summing it up: play the hard-to-get-princess. According to the book, the more you make him work, the more he'll want you.

In short, ignore his ass and get on with your life.

I have no idea if this will work. I am, after all, not a man.
 
Posted by dragonman97 (Member # 780) on June 25, 2004, 21:37:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Xanthine:
So there's this book being passed around my lab called The Rules. I'll spare y'all the details by summing it up: play the hard-to-get-princess. According to the book, the more you make him work, the more he'll want you.

In short, ignore his ass and get on with your life.

I have no idea if this will work. I am, after all, not a man.

Fuggin' 'ell - must things get worse? What about the other possibility - you play so hard to get that he just says 'fsck it,' and quits trying. Enough kowtowing!
 
Posted by Xanthine (Member # 736) on June 25, 2004, 21:52:
 
Well, if he really wants you, he won't give up.

Disclaimer: I am not a "Rules Girl". If I have ever followed any of the rules, it was because I was shy. That said, acting desperate tends to turn men off. There's much to be said for self-confidence.
 
Posted by Alan! (Member # 1261) on June 26, 2004, 01:17:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Xanthine:
So there's this book being passed around my lab called The Rules. I'll spare y'all the details by summing it up: play the hard-to-get-princess. According to the book, the more you make him work, the more he'll want you.

In short, ignore his ass and get on with your life.

I have no idea if this will work. I am, after all, not a man.

That's really interesting that you mention that Xanthine, as some of our lab at uni (computer science) are passing around a link that i know to be followed massively (mostly by guys, but also condoned by girls) woldwide (Doc Love's "The System" which condones the exact same thing for guys. That is, play hard to get and be a 'challenge'.

quote:
You CAN be proactive by making sure that your woman gets what she needs from you in order to fall and stay in love, which is a sense of Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you]. Challenge is magical. Challenge is romantic. Challenge is the most powerful aphrodisiac on the planet. from doc love
My question is, if girls are ignoring and playing hard to get, and guys are ignoring and playing hard to get... where's the love?!
someone's losing out here, and it looks like its both of them. but then, speaking widely, if your goal is work/career and not love, maybe you're better off.

thoughts?
 
Posted by sconzey (Member # 2347) on June 26, 2004, 09:54:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Too Cool To Quit:
quote:
Originally posted by sconzey:
Move to OUTER MONGOLIA and over a period of SEVENTEEN YEARS SIX MONTHS THREE WEEKS TWO DAYS FIVE HOURS TWELVE MINUTES AND FORTY-THREE SECONDS train a TROUPE OF DANCING MONKEYS then you must return to the god-forsaken hellhole which is SOUTH DAKOTA, hand them all SEMI-AUTOMATIC DEER RIFLES, and make them do their WILD MONKEY DANCE.

Alternatively, you could just say 'hi'.

/me has discovered xemacs -f psychoanalyse-pinhead

Whoa whoa, wait...

You're telling me there is a NORTH DAKOTA?!? [Eek!]

Sad... But true...

quote:
Originally posted by dm:
[religious war]
Nooooo! Not emacs. Why does anyone want a kitchen sink? I use a real text editor, thank you very much.
[/religious war]


Hah... I use JOVE or pico for text editing, I could never get the hang of VI, but for development and general ASCII word processing, nothing beats emacs.
 
Posted by dragonman97 (Member # 780) on June 26, 2004, 11:01:
 
You know - after saying the emacs is a slow, bloated piece of crap, and that it probably almost needs a boot sequence, whereas vi starts in less than a second, I tried to start it, and was so happily surprised....
code:
[[email protected] dragon]$ emacs
bash: emacs: command not found
[[email protected] dragon]$

I forgot that I did that awhile ago to clear some clutter off my hard drive [Big Grin] . Now I don't even have to remember my emacs emergency training (C-x C-c) - except if I'm on a foreign machine, and get into it by grievous accident.
 
Posted by v01d (Member # 2272) on June 26, 2004, 13:28:
 
quote:
Well, if he really wants you, he won't give up.
-- myth.

dragon is right: playing "too hard to get" like playing *any* game, you're doomed to loose sooner or later.

Think about it for a second: would you be surprised if *your* hard-won prize suddenly starts voicing its own opinions?

I guess the whole issue changes with times and people. There were times when gender roles were defined more clearly but were totally different from present. Women were treated as kind of loot, but then, nobody was talking about treating them as equal to men either...

Anyhow, my point is -- if you play "loot", you may be perceived as "loot". Some people are quite persistent in getting "what they really want", but is it the thing that *you* want?
The whole "hard to get" and a host of other games are like selling yourself and buying others, it isn't about fair sharing of (part) of your life, is it?
 
Posted by snupy (Member # 1211) on June 26, 2004, 16:04:
 
Having any "plan" of action is bad. Period. No games, imho.
 
Posted by spungo (Member # 1089) on June 26, 2004, 16:10:
 
quote:
Originally posted by snupy:
Having any "plan" of action is bad.

Yeah - a plan of inaction is always better. [Wink]
 
Posted by dragonman97 (Member # 780) on June 26, 2004, 16:17:
 
Hmm, on a related note, somethign I've been curious about for awhile: How is an 'out of the blue' approach to someone in a coffee shop received? I.e. if someone's sitting alone, possibly with a book, and perhaps you were going to do the same, how does something like "Mind if I join you?" go about? Is it more common to get a "Go to hell" response, way too forward, or is there a ghost of a chance it'll work?
 
Posted by TMBWITW,PB (Member # 1734) on June 26, 2004, 16:21:
 
quote:
Originally posted by snupy:
Having any "plan" of action is bad. Period. No games, imho.

I don't think a plan necessarily means your're playing games. A plan could be something as simple as knowing you have an extra ticket for a concert and then asking him if he likes that band. Of course I've never really tried to spark a romance with someone I didn't know well. I've only dated people I was friends with. Although there can be a negative side to that as well...
 
Posted by dragonman97 (Member # 780) on June 26, 2004, 16:28:
 
quote:
Originally posted by TMBWITW,PB:
quote:
Originally posted by snupy:
Having any "plan" of action is bad. Period. No games, imho.

I don't think a plan necessarily means your're playing games. A plan could be something as simple as knowing you have an extra ticket for a concert and then asking him if he likes that band. Of course I've never really tried to spark a romance with someone I didn't know well. I've only dated people I was friends with. Although there can be a negative side to that as well...
I think by 'plan,' snupy means, 'ulterior motive.' i.e. Thinking 15 steps ahead.

My take on all things romantic is "Don't overthink things." It's way too easy for me to do that, and it's the best way to fsck things up. If you're thinking something - say it...don't just think it. Yeah, that last point is definitely an important one.
 
Posted by snupy (Member # 1211) on June 26, 2004, 18:09:
 
Thanks, Dman. Yes, I meant plan as in, "I'm gonna play hard to get" i.e., "The Rules". Rubbish book, imo. All about "catching" a man, basically. I think it cheapens the whole idea of romance and love.
 
Posted by Xanthine (Member # 736) on June 26, 2004, 18:20:
 
I think that following "The Rules" will get you a man...but I'm not sure it'll get you the kind of man you want. As a labmate said, "You'll get the quarterback of you HS football team." The quarterback on my HS football team was a drunken jerk. How about yours?

It's the guy who notices you and likes you when you're just being yourself that you want.
 
Posted by dragonman97 (Member # 780) on June 26, 2004, 18:43:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Xanthine:
I think that following "The Rules" will get you a man...but I'm not sure it'll get you the kind of man you want. As a labmate said, "You'll get the quarterback of you HS football team." The quarterback on my HS football team was a drunken jerk. How about yours?

It's the guy who notices you and likes you when you're just being yourself that you want.

Ahh...that makes a bit more sense. To me, a girl who follows "The Rules" would be a stuck-up little princess. Who needs that? Oh yeah, a dumb jock who says "Oooh, shiny." OTOH, my geeky friend says that about technology stuff (and that's where I took the brilliant quote from) [Wink] .
 
Posted by Xanthine (Member # 736) on June 26, 2004, 21:42:
 
Hehe, I say the same thing when looking at my crystals under polarized light...
 
Posted by csk (Member # 1941) on June 27, 2004, 05:51:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Xanthine:
That said, acting desperate tends to turn men off.

Oh, I don't know. My first "girlfriend" asked me out by saying "I'm really desparate, will you go out with me?" Yes, I said yes. What a sad period of life that was (she dropped me for one of my friends a week later, so no harm done [Big Grin] )
 
Posted by csk (Member # 1941) on June 27, 2004, 05:55:
 
quote:
Originally posted by dragonman97:
I think by 'plan,' snupy means, 'ulterior motive.' i.e. Thinking 15 steps ahead.

My take on all things romantic is "Don't overthink things." It's way too easy for me to do that, and it's the best way to fsck things up. If you're thinking something - say it...don't just think it. Yeah, that last point is definitely an important one.

Yep, know what you mean there. I've always over analysed way more than I've communicated, and now it's coming back to bite me since I'm driving myself nuts with over analysis since the communication lines are shot to pieces.
 
Posted by v01d (Member # 2272) on June 27, 2004, 07:06:
 
on the topic of coffee-shops:
I'd say it depends on the shop you go to, but in general, chances to strike up a conversation - fair,
chances to get to know somebody - very slim,
unless it's your local shop that you always go to
at 8:30 sharp every single day before work or something..
I had a buddy once who'd always hit on somebody every single time he went to a coffee-shop.
~10% of times the girl would respond in "yes-no", finish her "coffee" and get out.
another 20% - she'd stay but look so "bored" that anybody else would like to get out.
the other 70% - they'd have a tolerable conversation.
about 5% of these would eventually say "hi" if he sees them again.
~0.5% would join him next time on their own accord

What would you do to approach a stranger? It seems quite a bit more challenging than the original poster's question.
 
Posted by eDJ (Member # 1950) on July 07, 2004, 21:53:
 
Show up naked.....with beer!

eDJ
 
Posted by drunkennewfiemidget (Member # 2814) on July 08, 2004, 06:29:
 
OK, here's my two cents. You know you want it. [Wink]

First, dman, it's worked for me. NO decent human being will say, "go to hell." If they do, they're not even worth knowing, much less picking up.

The most common way they'll say, "I'm not interested" is one of:

"I'm waiting for someone."
"I was just leaving."
"I'm waiting for my boyfriend."
etc.

But I've done it and received plenty of, "sure! sit down!" Some of them turned out to be great people that I became friends with, some turned out to be total weirdos, but it never hurts to try.

Only other advice I can give on that one, is don't let someone turning you down be a distraction, solely because you can't seem attractive or interesting to everyone. That's just not possible.

As for the liking the guy at the pool thing, as a guy, I'll tell you that playing hard to get WORKS WONDERS with me. As long as I know or have somehow been given a hint that I will somehow or someway succeed. If I think it's a hopeless cause, I won't pursue, but if she plays hard to get, that really does make me want her more. Just watch out for mixed signals. Don't make him think he has a chance, and then talk about your date this coming Friday.

And on another note, the one general rule of thumb I've learned that seems to be consistent across all people and relationships, is when you're first talking, or on your first date, KEEP IT LIGHT. Don't start talking about your past relationships, don't talk about your lifeplan, don't talk about your depression, should you suffer from it, etc. Talk about the weather, current events, jokes, etc. Things that make you smile, or are just generally interesting, but not very deep. You scare people off that way.

Of course that's just my opinion, I could be wrong. (Dennis Miller rocks. [Wink] )
 
Posted by Rhonwyyn (Member # 2854) on July 23, 2004, 11:13:
 
quote:
Originally posted by ooby:
Thinking for a bit about the original post, I don't like people until after I interact with them. Maybe you should reclassify your 'liking' him to 'has a crush on' or 'thinks he's cute.' Then you may be able to think of steps to get you to 'determining if he likes you and if you like him,' which, in many cases, is called a 'date.'

YAY!! Someone else on this planet agrees that you can't really like someone until you know them. My sister gets annoyed with me when she points out a "hot" guy and I don't act impressed. Sorry, Sis, but while I judge books by their covers, I definitely don't judge men by theirs. Too many people have judged me on appearance (good or bad) that I'm determined to practice acceptance first and see where it goes from there.

Switching topics slightly...

My best friend is the type that I want to marry (found it out after we established our friendship) and to me it seems the natural thing to ramp it up a bit. I'd really like him to tell me that he appreciates who I am and that he wants to pursue the possibility of marriage. I'm endeavoring to be the best friend he'll have so that even if we don't marry, our relationship is still a positive one.

\me tells Jealousy and Envy to back away from vulnerable emotions.
 
Posted by spungo (Member # 1089) on July 23, 2004, 11:21:
 
quote:
Originally posted by eDJ:
Show up naked.....with beer!

[Big Grin] Damn straight.

Old Jo Brand joke: "People say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but I've always found a steak knife through the chest works pretty well."
 
Posted by typographer (Member # 2852) on July 23, 2004, 17:53:
 
quote:
Originally posted by TMBWITW,PB:
I think the best way to get noticed is to wear a bikini and tattoo his name everywhere you can on your body. Then march by the pool playing the euphoneum and waving a banner with the confederate flag.

(Euphoniums are such a pain up the posterior region. The only Pro is the fact that the case makes a good battering ram.)
 
Posted by supergoo (Member # 2280) on July 23, 2004, 18:48:
 
"Notice me, Horton, feather by feather, this is your next door neighbor calling! There's a new leaf your neighbor's turned over..."

Sorry, last year's musical revue coming to mind here...
 
Posted by Xanthine (Member # 736) on July 23, 2004, 20:18:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Rhonwyyn:

My best friend is the type that I want to marry (found it out after we established our friendship) and to me it seems the natural thing to ramp it up a bit. I'd really like him to tell me that he appreciates who I am and that he wants to pursue the possibility of marriage. I'm endeavoring to be the best friend he'll have so that even if we don't marry, our relationship is still a positive one.

If you really want to take this road, tread lightly. Very lightly. If things don't work out, you've lost the friendship, or introduced some extreme weirdness to it that you will regret. Your best plan is to just sit back, and if it's meant to be, it will happen.
 
Posted by dragonman97 (Member # 780) on July 23, 2004, 20:32:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Xanthine:
quote:
Originally posted by Rhonwyyn:

My best friend is the type that I want to marry (found it out after we established our friendship) and to me it seems the natural thing to ramp it up a bit. I'd really like him to tell me that he appreciates who I am and that he wants to pursue the possibility of marriage. I'm endeavoring to be the best friend he'll have so that even if we don't marry, our relationship is still a positive one.

If you really want to take this road, tread lightly. Very lightly. If things don't work out, you've lost the friendship, or introduced some extreme weirdness to it that you will regret. Your best plan is to just sit back, and if it's meant to be, it will happen.
Hell no. Nothing will happen if no action is taken. Do not tread boldly towards marriage or any such stuff, but do work in some way shape or form towards being 'closer' friends. Trust me - the odds that he'll realize the way you feel if you do nothing are quite slim. He'll probably just think you want to be good friends, and he will also be afraid of ruining your relationship. Of course, if he gets tired of this little charade, he might end up breaking your heart by finding someone else with whom he might share deeper feelings. Inaction begets inaction.
 
Posted by drunkennewfiemidget (Member # 2814) on July 23, 2004, 20:34:
 
Trust Xanthine. She gives good advice. [Cool]

It's absolutely true. When you're in a position such as that one, you're in a place where if you leave it alone, you have a wonderful friendship, but always wonder "could it have been?" If you do, and it doesn't succeed, the friendship will probably never be able to get back to where it was. As the old adage says, "with the greatest risk comes the greatest reward."

But like she said, if it's meant to be, it'll just happen. Good luck to you.
 
Posted by Xanthine (Member # 736) on July 23, 2004, 21:39:
 
Ah, but dman, if this is meant to be, if the chemistry is truly there, it will happen...just so long as you don't let the moment pass you by.
 
Posted by dragonman97 (Member # 780) on July 23, 2004, 21:51:
 
I disagree. That moment could come and slip by unnoticed, while looking for a bigger, clearer 'sign' of the 'real moment.'
 
Posted by csk (Member # 1941) on July 24, 2004, 07:54:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Rhonwyyn:
YAY!! Someone else on this planet agrees that you can't really like someone until you know them. My sister gets annoyed with me when she points out a "hot" guy and I don't act impressed. Sorry, Sis, but while I judge books by their covers, I definitely don't judge men by theirs. Too many people have judged me on appearance (good or bad) that I'm determined to practice acceptance first and see where it goes from there.

Any pics? [Wink]

Seriously, you're 100% right. Even if I consider the celebrities I find attractive (who I obviously don't know very well), there are elements about how they carry themselves, and so on, not just pure physical features.

quote:

My best friend is the type that I want to marry (found it out after we established our friendship) and to me it seems the natural thing to ramp it up a bit. I'd really like him to tell me that he appreciates who I am and that he wants to pursue the possibility of marriage. I'm endeavoring to be the best friend he'll have so that even if we don't marry, our relationship is still a positive one.

Given my extremely bad record of taking initiative in relationships, this is extremely hypocritical advice, but have you considered asking him if he wants to take the relationship further? Guys don't have the mortgage on starting relationships, you know...

Edit: Having read dman's and Xantines posts, I still think there's a certain amount of initiative required. But it's also good to work out the right time to take that initiative. You've got one advantage, you're not a guy trying to work out the inscrutable workings of a female psyche, whereas if he was to ask you out, there's a certain element of risk (in his mind) that you'll say no. You should have 100% certainty he'll say yes, since us guys are so predictable [Wink]
 
Posted by dragonman97 (Member # 780) on July 24, 2004, 10:22:
 
Quoth csk:
Edit: Having read dman's and Xantines posts, I still think there's a certain amount of initiative required.
Where in either of my posts did I disagree with this view? That's largely my point.
 
Posted by Xanthine (Member # 736) on July 24, 2004, 18:18:
 
Yeah, he's siding with you dman. Relax, be calm...

What I'm trying to get across and doing a piss poor job at it is this: do not try to take control of the situation. If it is meant to get romantic, it will. What you do need a dose of, and I suppose this could also be called intitiative, is courage. You will know when the moment happens, and it takes some guts not to let it pass by. But you can't and shouldn't force it to happen - you've got a beautiful friendship at stake here. Remember that.
 
Posted by csk (Member # 1941) on July 24, 2004, 18:26:
 
Yep, I was sort of taking the middle ground between the two. As I said before, I have a terrible record of working out whether girls are interested in me, so I didn't take that initiative very often[1] (and regret that). If you wait until you are 100% sure, you won't ever do it. On the other hand, you don't want to pursue every girl you have anything to do with.

What I've found, maybe as I've grown older, is that most of my good female friends are married (to my good male friends, particularly), so that makes it easier to have good friendships with females that are also "safe"

[1] Actually, on reflection, I didn't ever truly take the initiative. If I'm ever back in the dating game again, that's going to change, for sure
 
Posted by Rhonwyyn (Member # 2854) on July 25, 2004, 16:56:
 
quote:
Originally posted by csk:
What I've found, maybe as I've grown older, is that most of my good female friends are married (to my good male friends, particularly), so that makes it easier to have good friendships with females that are also "safe"

Argh, CSK, why do you have to be married and living on another continent?!?! I totally understand about "Safe" friendships. Somehow during a year or two in college I decided that men with girlfriends were safe because they wouldn't turn to me in a romantic light. I learned, however, that even that isn't great 'cause once you add alcohol into the mix (and add me--a sober girl with minimal understanding of how men and drunk men work), anything can happen. That makes me even more wary of spending time or discussing deeper-than-the-superficial topics with dating and married men. Such behavior slowly establishes an emotional or intellectual intimacy that should be reserved for a married couple.

Most of my secular peers say I'm odd and out-dated, but you know, they're the ones with STDs, broken hearts, and single-parent families. Maybe waiting for the completely acceptable man isn't so bad after all. [thumbsup]
 
Posted by csk (Member # 1941) on July 25, 2004, 18:24:
 
quote:
Originally posted by Rhonwyyn:

Argh, CSK, why do you have to be married and living on another continent?!?!

Good question. At least one of those is likely to change, unfortunately (and not the good one [Frown] )

But if I come across any guys who aren't, and are thinking of moving continents, I'll pass them in your direction [Big Grin]

quote:

I totally understand about "Safe" friendships. Somehow during a year or two in college I decided that men with girlfriends were safe because they wouldn't turn to me in a romantic light. I learned, however, that even that isn't great 'cause once you add alcohol into the mix (and add me--a sober girl with minimal understanding of how men and drunk men work), anything can happen.

That's for sure. I know of two Christian guys who deliberately went after girls who had a boyfriend at the time (and succeeded, and are now married to said girls). One is now an Anglican bishop, and the other a missionary. It's not strictly wrong, but I still think it's an act of bastardry neverthless.

quote:

That makes me even more wary of spending time or discussing deeper-than-the-superficial topics with dating and married men. Such behavior slowly establishes an emotional or intellectual intimacy that should be reserved for a married couple.

+1, Insightful. Most affairs start from unmet needs within the relationship (which don't have to be sexual, either). I don't think you need to totally avoid that discussion with "taken" people, but ask yourself "Would I still be comfortable discussing this with both of the couple present?".

quote:
Maybe waiting for the completely acceptable man isn't so bad after all.
Good move, just don't wait for the perfect man, since he doesn't exist (well, if he comes back, dating's going to be the last thing on your mind, anyway [Smile] ). And if you do end up finding the completely acceptable man, that doesn't make you immune to problems like you described above, either. Marriage is a hard struggle, as I know from bitter experience.
 


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