This is topic just a quick one for now! in forum The Joke Bank! at The Geek Culture Forums.
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Posted by orion (Member # 3439) on February 17, 2005, 05:52:
A man walks into a bar. ouch. :-)
think about it...got it yet?
Posted by drunkennewfiemidget (Member # 2814) on February 17, 2005, 06:20:
Yes, but unfortunately, it isn't funny.
Posted by orion (Member # 3439) on February 17, 2005, 06:27:
I will admit, its not the funniest joke you will ever hear! :-)
but we all have to start some where dont we?
Posted by TMBWITW,PB (Member # 1734) on February 17, 2005, 07:51:
My favorite variant on that joke:
Two guys walk into a bar...you'd think the second would have ducked.
Posted by orion (Member # 3439) on February 17, 2005, 07:57:
your version is better.
Posted by littlefish (Member # 966) on February 17, 2005, 08:08:
A bloke walks into a bar, and the scene unfolds with a tedious predictability.
Posted by orion (Member # 3439) on February 17, 2005, 08:10:
"three blind mice walk into a bar, but our unawhere of there surroundings, and to derive humour from it would be cruel"
bill bailey rules
Posted by CrawGator (Member # 392) on February 17, 2005, 11:36:
A priest, a rabbi, and a buddist monk walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?".
Posted by orion (Member # 3439) on February 17, 2005, 13:21:
nice one crawgator!
Posted by Serenak (Member # 2950) on February 17, 2005, 14:08:
Have you heard about the Irishman who fell of a cliff?
All: "No? What happened...?"
He broke his flaming neck stoopid, what'd you expect?
(Best told after everyone has told their own round of "Irishman gags...)
Posted by garlicguy (Member # 3166) on February 17, 2005, 15:33:
A man walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
Bartender says: "How may I help you."
Frog says: "You could take this wart off my butt!"
(Oldie, but you all had it comin' to ya)
Posted by Chesty (Member # 2460) on February 17, 2005, 17:03:
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
Then he is eaten by a boobah
Posted by orion (Member # 3439) on February 18, 2005, 04:27:
A mint walks into a bar.
He says to the bar tender, "im the biggest, badest mint in the whole world. give me a fucking drink"
so the bar tender serves him.
and then, annother mint walks in and the first mint cowers like scardy cat.
when the second mint leaves, the bar tender says to the first mint, "I thought you were the biggest baddest mint in the whole world?"
and the mint says:
"I am, but that mint is menthol"
bada boom bada bing.
Posted by The Famous Druid (Member # 1769) on February 18, 2005, 04:51:
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, and order2 2 drinks, one for him, one for the giraffe.
Then 2 more.
Then 2 more.
And so on, until the giraffe collapses in a drunken heap.
The guy then gets up and starts to leave, and the bartender says
"Hey you can't leave that lying there !"
to which the guy replies....
"That's not a lion, that's a giraffe".
Posted by Moe Monkey (Member # 1900) on February 18, 2005, 05:23:
A neutron walks into a bar, and promptly gets served a beer by the bartender.
The neutron says, "What do I owe you?"
And the bartender replies, "For you, no charge!"
Posted by gapstr (Member # 2689) on February 18, 2005, 05:48:
A string walks into a bar, the bartender sneers down at it and says "We don't serve strings in here!", and throws the string out the door. The string ties itself into a sloppy bow and rubs itself on the sidewalk to unravel its fibers a little bit, then walks back into the bar. The bartender sees it and says "Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
"No," the string replied, "I'm a frayed knot."
Posted by drunkennewfiemidget (Member # 2814) on February 18, 2005, 06:48:
Guy walks into a bar, sees a little 12" man playing the piano, and is quite amazed by it.
He asks the bartender, "how'd you get the little man playing the piano?"
Bartender says, "there's a guy in the alleyway.. he'll grant you one wish if you ask him."
The guy runs out to the alley way.. comes back SURROUNDED by ducks.. thousands and thousands of them.
He says to the bartender, "you didn't tell me the guy had a hearing problem, I asked for a million BUCKS not a million DUCKS!"
The bartender leans in real close and asks, "and you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist"?
Posted by Cap'n Vic (Member # 1477) on February 18, 2005, 08:32:
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says sorry pal, we don't serve food.
/veal,waitress, all week
Posted by orion (Member # 3439) on February 18, 2005, 09:08:
wow. this is quiet a popular topic! yay for me! keep your bar jokes comming.
Posted by Cap'n Vic (Member # 1477) on February 18, 2005, 10:01:
Posted by garlicguy (Member # 3166) on February 18, 2005, 10:11:
The 5'4" cowboy hitches his horse outside the saloon, strolls in, orders a beer and drinks it down. He orders a second cold one, and this too he drinks down. His thirst quenched, he leaves the bar. While preparing to get on his horse, he notices that someone has painted the balls on his horse *yellow*.
Now he's really pissed off. He rushes into the bar and yells out in an angry voice, "Which one of you assholes painted the balls on my horse yellow"?
A huge, 6'6" ornery-looking cowpoke straightens up, downs his beer and answers, "I did. What of it"?
The little cowboy says, "I think they're ready for a second coat...".
Posted by orion (Member # 3439) on February 18, 2005, 10:17:
On the subject of jokes and that, anyone hear got ross nobels new DVD "unrealtime"?
Posted by disgruntled goat (Member # 3199) on February 18, 2005, 11:13:
A large menacing man walks into a bar. He sinks a drink then eyes everyone to the left of him: "All the guys on this side of the bar are c**ksuckers.Anyone got a problem with that?"
Everyone remains silent.He throws back another beer then then eyes everyone to the right of him:"All the guys on this side of the bar are motherf**kers! Okay?"
Nobody says a word.Then a small man stands up from his stool and walks towards the end of the bar. "You got a problem, pal? Shouts the beer necking madman. "Oh no," explains the punter,"I`m just on the wrong side."
Posted by garlicguy (Member # 3166) on February 18, 2005, 12:38:
A guy in his early twenties leans on the bar and tells the bartender to set up 10 shots of Jack Daniels Whiskey in a row in front of him. This the bartender does and customer pays for order. He then proceeds to go right down the line, tossing back one shot after another until he finishes all ten.
The bartender says, "I can't help noticing that you seem to be celebrating something."
The young man says, "I am. Today I had my first bl**job."
"Well let me give you one on the house to help," says the bartender.
"Nah. If 10 won't kill the taste, nothing will."
Posted by CrawGator (Member # 392) on February 18, 2005, 13:03:
This is one of my favorites
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet"
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replied "I work for the IRS."
Posted by garlicguy (Member # 3166) on February 18, 2005, 13:47:
The sign in the bar read: Make the sad horse tied-up in back laugh to win all the money in this jar. It was propped up against a huge glass vessel containing over a thousand silver dollars.
In walks the dusty worn out cowboy. He orders a cold beer, looks at the sign and asks the bartender for details. He is told he must put a silver dollar into the jar, and then the bartender will accompany him to observe the horse's reaction to whatever antics he might employ.
The old cowboy shrugs, nonchalantly pitches his silver dollar into the jar and saunters through the back door, followed by the bemused bartender and several patrons. They are expecting to see the usual clowning around, but are surprised to witness the cowboy lean close to the horse's ear and whisper something. They are even more shocked when the horse, normally a morose creature, falls laughing to his knees, rolls on his back and guffaws hysterically as they all troop back into the bar. The bartender gives the cowboy the money, who then finishes his beer and leaves.
A few months later, the cowboy enters this same bar, only to find a new sign propped against the same jar (equally filled as before). The new sign says: Make the horse out back stop laughing and win the money in this jar.
The bartender recognizes the cowboy, who is already making his move to put a silver dollar in the jar. The cowboy says, "This time I'm going out there by myself, and when I lead that horse in here, he won't be laughing." The bartender agrees to this slight modification in the rules.
Three minutes later, the cowboy leads the weeping, inconsolable horse into the barroom and demands his money. The bartender says: "Before I pay you, you're going to have to tell us how you did it."
The cowboy looks at the horse, then at the money then at the bartender and says: "When I was here the first time, I simply told the horse I was hung better than he was...."
"Today I showed him."
Posted by The Famous Druid (Member # 1769) on February 18, 2005, 14:09:
A section of road walks into a bar, and announced "I'm the meanest m***-f***ing stretch of road in the world, and I can give any other road a beating", then buys a drink.
A few minutes later, a section of 2-lane highway arrives, and the bit of road announces "I'm the meanest m***-f***ing stretch of road in the world, and I can give any other road a beating", the 2-lane highway looks at him, and meekly goes over into the corner to have his drink.
A few minutes later, a section of 5-lane freeway comes in, again the stretch of road announces "I'm the meanest m***-f***ing stretch of road in the world, and I can give any other road a beating", the 5-lane highway looks at him, and meekly goes over into the corner to have his drink.
A few minutes later, a tiny section of bitumen only a metre or so wide comes in, the section of road looks at him, and meekly goes over into the corner to join the highway and the freeway for a quiet drink.
The barman goes over and asks the section of road why he didn't challenge the newcomer...
"Are you kidding? He's a cycle-path"
Posted by HalfVast (Member # 3187) on February 18, 2005, 16:50:
A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer. The Bartender looks up and says, "We don't serve bears beer in this bar." The bear says, "If you don't give me a beer I'll eat that guy over in the corner." The bartener refused and the bear went over to the corner, consumed the hapless patron and returned to the bar. "Well?", said the bear. "Sorry we don't serve bears beer in this bar." The bear said, "If you don't give me a beer I'll eat that guy over at the end of the bar." The bartender shrugged and the bear proceeded with his feast. "Now this time," quoth the bear, "Gimme a beer or I'll eat the woman at that table." "As I have explained to you already," continued the bartender, "we don't serve bears beer in this bar." So the bear went to the table and ate the lady sitting there. The bear returned to the bar. "Now will you give me a beer?" The bartender said, "Sorry we don't serve druggies beer in this bar." This suprised the bear. "Druggie, what makes you think I'm a druggie?" The bartender replied. "Well that was a bar-bitch-you-ate."
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