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Author Topic: Ghosts of My Past
alfrin
Uber Geek
Member # 3836

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Icon 2 posted December 05, 2005 19:24      Profile for alfrin     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
After seeing Steen's post, something he wrote a good while ago I decided to do my own reflecting. Boy was I horrified from what I saw. This post is from May 24th, this year.

quote:
It has come to my attention that the world is out to kick me in the bawls and push me in a ditch


Something I posted on my Xanga a long time ago, but now I'm realizing that my observeration was wrong, and the world is making alot more sense to me
Here is a revised version:


It is not that the world is out to get me,
It is that I am out to get myself
I can't just let my life be a nice decent one
I have to have more
I do what i can to get more power
But my search for power and respect
Leaves me all alone
Is this what happens to all those who seek power and mutual respect?
Can power and happiness ever work together?
My life has answered that question, it is a firm No,
I have come to tell all who want to hear that there is no way,
For these two great things to work together,
Isn't gonna happen,

The people who want Power, true Power
Will do whatever it takes to get it
When they discover that they have this amazing power
They think they can use it to get loved
To be loved
It doesn't work
Power only gains respect, power does not gain love, or pride, or admiration,
There is no way to use power for those things, look at God;
All alone on the top of the world, though respected, he isn't loved
He isn't surrounded by love
He is (theoretically) sitting all alone on some glad somewhere

It's too late for me, i have pushed everyone that once liked me away.
I'm just like god sitting all alone on the cloud,
Instead of building a world though,
I'm trying to warn, or inform, people
Of what comes from power.
beware...


Dictionary
Power
see Estrange

Estrange
es·trange
tr.v. es·tranged, es·trang·ing, es·trang·es

1. To make hostile, unsympathetic, or indifferent; alienate.
2. To remove from an accustomed place or set of associations.
3. adj : caused to be unloved [syn: alienated]

Wow, I have had LiveJournal for a year Today, good time to end it
Also, have a great rest of your life
Good Bye
May. 24th, 2005 @ 06:17 pm

I guess to really understand this you'd need some background.

A. That was not a suicide threat at the end, its me saying I'd stop this blogging bullshit.

During this time I was nearing the end of my 8th grade year. It had been the worst school year of my life. The people I had befriended in 7th grade slowly turned their backs on me. People I had always been there for. The entire year it slowly killed me away, driving at me.

First I used a video game to escape, yes of course, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. But that also started my self dreading stages. Not the game itself mind you, the soundtrack. It was a catlyst that led me to listen to Marilyn Manson and such. Of course I didn't listen to it for entertainment value, I listened for the message. But in my immaturity I took the messages too literally and felt to strongly about certain things that I ended up destroying myself. It was horrible

Last summer was my liberation, as I ended those friendships for good and began enjoying life again. I eventually went back and reevaluated my interpretations of the songs and albums.

What scares me is that, it seemed like only yesterday that I posted that message. When it's been a 7 months. I can see myself posting it right now. Except from out of my body. Like it wasn't me. I just can't seem to pull those emotions back. (Not that I want to).

My life still isn't perfect, it's bad in new ways. But at least I don't have to go to a place with those people anymore. (In a class of 8, if two people ignored you and talked to the others instead, it wasn't fun).

--------------------
Art is Resistance / Resistance is Art

Posts: 813 | From: Nevada, USA | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged
Rhonwyyn

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Member # 2854

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Icon 1 posted December 05, 2005 19:44      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hmm, so do you have a Xanga or a LiveJournal, or both? [Wink]

On the serious side, though:

Sometimes (well, a LOT of the time), I forget you're so young (comparatively). I'm sure you can agree (having read my thread last week) that I can relate to your struggle. It's absolutely a struggle to keep your head up when circumstances would conspire to tell you otherwise. Some things I wish I would've known when I was in your shoes:

1. My classmates are not here by my choosing. Thus, I have no obligation to make them good friends and vice versa. It IS my responsibility to be a good student and do what I can to promote an environment of learning.
2. Popular people really aren't as shiny on the inside as they are on the outside. By that I mean, popularity has its responsibilities, drawbacks, and cattiness, too. Just because someone is popular, it doesn't mean they have a perfect life or that they themself are perfect. In fact, doesn't it often seem tha the popular kids are the meanest, most self-involved kids in class/school?
3. It's super-important to make friends who aren't in your class and who don't go to your school. They will be there to help you gain perspective on things that happen at school and will provide continuity as you transition to high school and later college.
4. As you've already shown, music lyrics have an incredible impact upon their listeners, some times more latent than other times. Be wary of what you feed your brain, because brains have been known to do all sorts of weird and twisted things to information they're given. As a corollary, don't always believe what your brain and/or emotions tell you.
5. Writing out your feelings will help you process them, relieve stress and pent-up emotions, and provide a way for you to track your improvement (and later provide material to include in your best-selling autobiography/memoir!).

Keep hanging in there, Alfrin! [Smile]

--------------------
Change the way you SEE, not the way you LOOK!

Posts: 3849 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged
alfrin
Uber Geek
Member # 3836

Member Rated:
4
Icon 1 posted December 05, 2005 22:03      Profile for alfrin     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Rhonwyyn:
Hmm, so do you have a Xanga or a LiveJournal, or both? [Wink]

I had both. Since then I have deleted my Xanga.


Sometimes (well, a LOT of the time), I forget you're so young (comparatively).

Aye, that is why I love the internet so. Age becomes non important. Your actions speak for themselves.


I'm sure you can agree (having read my thread last week) that I can relate to your struggle. It's absolutely a struggle to keep your head up when circumstances would conspire to tell you otherwise. Some things I wish I would've known when I was in your shoes:

1. My classmates are not here by my choosing. Thus, I have no obligation to make them good friends and vice versa. It IS my responsibility to be a good student and do what I can to promote an environment of learning.
2. Popular people really aren't as shiny on the inside as they are on the outside. By that I mean, popularity has its responsibilities, drawbacks, and cattiness, too. Just because someone is popular, it doesn't mean they have a perfect life or that they themself are perfect. In fact, doesn't it often seem tha the popular kids are the meanest, most self-involved kids in class/school?
3. It's super-important to make friends who aren't in your class and who don't go to your school. They will be there to help you gain perspective on things that happen at school and will provide continuity as you transition to high school and later college.
4. As you've already shown, music lyrics have an incredible impact upon their listeners, some times more latent than other times. Be wary of what you feed your brain, because brains have been known to do all sorts of weird and twisted things to information they're given. As a corollary, don't always believe what your brain and/or emotions tell you.
5. Writing out your feelings will help you process them, relieve stress and pent-up emotions, and provide a way for you to track your improvement (and later provide material to include in your best-selling autobiography/memoir!).

Keep hanging in there, Alfrin! [Smile]

Aye, I guess I forgot to mention, the last month fo that year, I had a sort of personal revolution. All that popularity crap, stopped mattering. That attitude has continued through this year (which had an adverse affect, I've got a great number of friends in High School).
The said people have attempted reconciliation. I happily declined.
Now adays it's mostly home issues, not school, that is destroying me.
I'll talk about this a bit more later, I must sleep.

--------------------
Art is Resistance / Resistance is Art

Posts: 813 | From: Nevada, USA | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged


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