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Author Topic: Dilemma and a cure for depression???
mathewmammen
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Icon 5 posted November 29, 2005 18:51      Profile for mathewmammen     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
i know this girl whom i am absolutely crazy about. She was goin out wit a friend of mine n 2 weeks ago they broke up now i wanna ask her out but dont want2 coz she considers me to be a really good friend of hers someone she can count on. Now this girl is really miserable and depressed half the time coz of her ex. I really wanna know 2 things:
1. how can i cheer her up
2. how can i change the way she looks at me (take our frindship to the next level).
3. how long should i wait before i ask her out and keep from losin her if she says no???

Posts: 6 | From: Alaska | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged
HalfVast

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Icon 1 posted November 29, 2005 18:58      Profile for HalfVast     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Oh man, this should be good....
Posts: 795 | From: In the mitten around the abductor pollicis brevis. | Registered: Jan 2005  |  IP: Logged
The Famous Druid

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Icon 1 posted November 29, 2005 19:04      Profile for The Famous Druid     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by mathewmammen:
1. how can i cheer her up
Show up naked, with beer.
2. how can i change the way she looks at me (take our frindship to the next level)

naked, beer.

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Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted November 29, 2005 19:30      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hmm, sounds like you're more concerned about ownership/status than about the girl's feelings/emotions. Here's my advice to you:

1. Forget about the ownership/status thing. Just chuck it out the window. That should be the last thing on your mind.
2. Once your mind is cleared of your insecurities about your relationship with the girl, focus on her.
3. Ask her how she's doing on a daily/bi-daily basis. Don't criticize the ex-.
4. Provide a shoulder to cry on if she needs one.
5. Hold her while she's crying and gently pat her back.
6. Invite her to some social event to give her a change of scenery, or invite her over for sappy chick-flick watching (Ever After and Never Been Kissed are two of my faves 'cause they're tender, yet funny).
7. Become her best friend and #1 fan. Get her to the point that you're the first person she calls when something happens in her life or when she's bored and just wants to talk.
8. Always be there to support the girl.
9. Once you've become firmly entrenched in her life, I'd bet you practically anything that she'll start saying "I don't what I'd ever do without you" or "You're the BEST [friend/pseudo-brother/pal/guy/etc.] a girl could ever have." When she starts gushing, you know you've got her.
10. This is when you make your move. Step up to the plate and say something to the effect of "I'm glad you feel like you can depend upon me. I really admire you, too. In fact, I really like you. Would you do me the extreme honor of allowing me to escort you to [school event] as my girlfriend?"

It's really easy to achieve steps 1-9, at least judging by experience. Most girls I know complain about their guy friends wussing out at step 10; they've primed the girls for more than "just friends," but never step up to the plate. If you start down this path and somehow change your mind about liking the girl, gently pull away and don't take anymore of the steps. It'll be easier and less painful (and less frustrating!) for both of you if you stop earlier rather than later.

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Posts: 3849 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged
GameMaster
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Icon 1 posted November 29, 2005 20:30      Profile for GameMaster   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
All errors (except some spelling are sic for humor sake. Content of post is meant as real advice. That said...

i know this girl whom i am absolutely crazy about.
i no what u mean. i mean girls they just make u craZ. so, yo, u gotta get her outta ur mind, and not think about it or you'll go mad, and get cold feet when teh time cums.

She was goin out wit a friend of mine n 2 weeks ago they broke up
Yo, how close is dis friend of urs? i mean would he get upset b-cuz u wanna get wit her?

now i wanna ask her out but dont want 2 coz she considers me to be a really good friend of hers someone she can count on.
That ain't a bad thing. Friends first is always a good idea. But f you were someone she can count on, you'd be worrying more about what she is going through and helping her through it... Not so that you can come out looing like a knight in shinning armor; but, because she is a freind. Don't have altere motives yet; and, if you do, make them known right away. If you don't tell her now, and she finds out how you feel later, she will get mad because everything you did (are doing now) was so you could "get wit her". From the start, be open and honest.

Now this girl is really miserable and depressed half the time coz of her ex. I really wanna know 2 things:
you only wanna know 2 things? man, there is so much on the face of the earth to learn, so why limit your self to two questions.

1. how can i cheer her up
If you have to ask that, you don't really know her at all; and, should be looking for a relationship with her.

That said:
1.) Where is her favorite place to go?
2.) What does she like eat (sweets wise)?
3.) Does she like flowers (they don't only have to mean romance, but be careful in what flowers to get if your not going to tell her how you feel right away).


2. how can i change the way she looks at me (take our frindship to the next level).
Short answer: you can't.
Long answer: what she thinks of you is based on how you act, talk and present yourself to her. If you want her to think that your a doormat, act like a doormat; if you want her to see that your a sensitive caring guy who cares about the way she feels, be a caring guy who cares about the way she feels. That said, don't try to be something your not; "Sincerity is everything, once you can fake that you've got it made" (- G. Marx).

3. how long should i wait before i ask her out and keep from losin her if she says no???
If I could answer that, I'd be on the other end of a psychic friends network call. Honestly, I think your best bet to be perfectly honest with her.

I personally would say something like... "Look, I like you as a friend, first and foremost (even if you get together, this should remian true, if it doesn't it won't last). I'm also intrested in you romantically; but, I can see that your not ready for a relationship yet. I respect that. The last thing in the world I want to do is lose your friendship, and that's why I thought it important that you know how I feel now. I understand if you don't see me the same way, now or ever; but, above all I want to be your friend, and I want to see you happy (If her happiness isn't more important than you getting the girl, your not really intrested in her at all). I've been worried about how depressed you've been lately, and I think you need some time out away from it all. [I have tickets to ___(sport, movie, theater, concert you know she likes -- keep it something casual)___, | I'd really like to go ___(some place you know she likes -- again, keep it something casual)___ ] and you can escape your problems for a little while. So what do you think?"

Generally, I try to avoid "open answer" "closes" but in this case, your not intrested in a date (if you are, you really didn't get the point of this post, or anything Rhonie had to say), and she'll probably have more then a "yeah, lets go to _____".

My 2.0 * 10^-2 USD.

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Posts: 3038 | From: State of insanity | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
GameMaster
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Icon 1 posted November 29, 2005 20:41      Profile for GameMaster   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:

7. Become her best friend and #1 fan. Get her to the point that you're the first person she calls when something happens in her life or when she's bored and just wants to talk.
8. Always be there to support the girl.
9. Once you've become firmly entrenched in her life, I'd bet you practically anything that she'll start saying "I don't what I'd ever do without you" or "You're the BEST [friend/pseudo-brother/pal/guy/etc.] a girl could ever have." When she starts gushing, you know you've got her.

I was right there with you, untill we got here. My problem with these are:
7. Become her best friend and #1 fan. Get her to the point that you're the first person she calls when something happens in her life or when she's bored and just wants to talk.
If she calls you first, your on your way to the "friend zone," and chances of getting out are signigicatly low. If your the person they go to when she finds a new BF, and is complaining about him... You've gone to far.

8. Always be there to support the girl.
Definatly support the girl, but don't be afraid to disagree -- espeically when you think she is making a mistake (and not because of your feelings for her, but a real mistake).

9. Once you've become firmly entrenched in her life, I'd bet you practically anything that she'll start saying "I don't what I'd ever do without you" or "You're the BEST friend
Best friend... U-OH. If you make a move after this you asking for the LJBF (Let's Just Be Friends) speech.

pseudo-brother
And she just started the LJBF speech.

pal
Errr.. who uses that word anymore?

guy
Ah, more promising.

a girl could ever have." When she starts gushing, you know you've got her.
Or gone to far.

For the record. The proper LJBF speech starts out:

"You're so sweet. Your like a brother to me. I couldn't imagine anything comming up to hurt our friendship."

continues on with lines like:
"I just don't see you like that, it'd be weird."

And typically ends with:
"I hope understand. Let's just be friends."

Miss anything from the speech... feel free to add.

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Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted November 29, 2005 21:06      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
A bit of clarification since it's needed:

Support doesn't mean agreeing 100%. It means acknowledging respect for the person, no matter what (dumb) decisions they make. Right after a breakup, a person's prone to do some stupid stuff. A good supporter would be there to gently remind the person why those decisions wouldn't be good ones. Even more generally, though, if she's involved with co-curriculars, attend her events, even if you think they're boring. Take her flowers even if she's in the pit orchestra or an off-stage techie. That's the kind of support and fandom I meant.

If she calls you her brother, yeah, that's a bad thing. I was stretching for euphemisms there. I will disagree with GameMaster on one thing, though. If you get to a point where she does a "Let's Just Be Friends" speech, you've waited to long. Strike before she says that. A lot of girls will do the LJBF speech to protect themselves. It's their way of giving the guy an opportunity to bow out gracefully since he's taken such a long time to ask her out. Basically, she's saying "since you're too much of a wuss to step up and ask me out, let's just be friends. There's no way I'd date a wuss!" (Again, this bit is from a Lancaster County perspective, so YMMV.)

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alfrin
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Icon 1 posted November 29, 2005 21:51      Profile for alfrin     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Aye, I belive the term my girl used for me was:
"You are the closest thing to a God in my life"
To think I thought that was an alternative beginning to the LJBF speech.

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The Famous Druid

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Icon 1 posted November 29, 2005 22:54      Profile for The Famous Druid     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Stop trying to interpret the words and actions of women, that way lies madness.
Just go for it, it's the only way to know for sure.

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Callipygous
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Icon 1 posted November 30, 2005 02:58      Profile for Callipygous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Rhonwyyn:
Support doesn't mean agreeing 100%.

In my limited experience there are plenty of women who do not make that distinction, at least as far as close friends go. [Wink]

I'm with the Druid though. A little listening, and sympathising is OK, but after that it can be rather self indulgent. She needs to get over it, and back to normal life ASAP. So you might be better off trying to get her to cheer up and enjoy life, (unless you are a humourless nerd!)

I would also suggest you don't make your move until you are fairly sure she is over the previous boyfriend, as relationships on the rebound tend to be extremely short lived.

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mathewmammen
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Icon 1 posted November 30, 2005 06:25      Profile for mathewmammen     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
ok to clarify a few things:
1.> I AINT showin up naked wit beer.
2.> i aint interested in goin out with her first i want her to be happy and have some stupid re bound relationship, i know tht concentratin on a relationship with her wud be a big no no on my part first i want her to be happy den i shall pop d question.
3.> i am kinda close to her ex but i kno he doesnt have a prob wit me askin her out plus he knows tht i talk to her now n how much i used to talk to her b4 they broke up.
OK now back to the point i have tried everythin tht i kno to cheer her up like showin up at her college (which btw is about 20-30 k.m. from my college), takin her out for coffee n spendin some time wit her before droppin her home, made her know tht her happiness is the only thing that matters to me, makin her feel really special when she is wit me, i mean i m goin to a rock concert (i aint a huge fan of rock btw) just to meet her, and also i am takin her to a show that both of us want to watch, i have somehow managed to get her to trust me. i spend atleast an hour every night talkin to her on the phone othr than the huge amount of text msgs n short conversations tht we hav durin the day (advantages of free calls-he he he) but my main problem is that i have run out of ideas to cheer her up first i thought gettin her to open up n talk about her feelings may help but i dunno things seem to be gettin worse does the pain slowly build up and drop aftr it reaches its peak. i m thinkin bout gettin her candy, replacin the magic 8 ball tht she gave to her cousin bcoz her cuz took it. i also thought buyin her litlle things like a thumb ring wud b ok coz she liked the one i have n she wanted somthing like tht. i kno she pays too much attention to the smal little details n get cheap thrills outta the smallest of things like i got her a pack of chips some new flavour tht came out n she was real happy coz she has been wantin to try it out.
but thanx for the response so far. i would love some ideas tho on how to speed up the process of her somehow getin over her ex, oh and also cud u gimmie some ideas that generally cheer women up bcoz i just cant stand seein her so damn unhappy its killin her and at the same time killin me and a friend for hers (who is responsible for the 2 of us knowin each other).

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Aditu
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Icon 1 posted November 30, 2005 07:30      Profile for Aditu     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
" would love some ideas tho on how to speed up the process of her somehow getin over her ex, oh and also cud u gimmie some ideas that generally cheer women up bcoz i just cant stand seein her so damn unhappy its killin her and at the same time killin me'

It is hard to speed up getting over a break up. If you try to rush it, she will probably still be getting over it, but just not talk to you about it.

I think you are doing a good job of cheering her up. Just find little things to distract her and that emphasis to her that she is special. Not that you think she is special. She needs to acknowledge that she is special right now.

When I broke up with David, I thought I was never going to get over it. (Finance caught in bed with good friend.) The thing that helped most was not being left on my own all the time, which was what I thought I wanted. Also my friends found goofy things to do as a group that made me laugh.

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MacManKrisK

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Icon 1 posted November 30, 2005 08:37      Profile for MacManKrisK     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
1. how can i cheer her up

YOU, can't! Time will, eventually. As the punchline to an old joke goes: patience, jackass, patience. (I'm not calling you a jackass, it's just the way the joke ends.) You, however, will have to hear all the whining/crying/spontaneous emotional outbursts meanwhile. Being subject to them, though, is a good thing, it means she trusts you. There is a bell curve to these things, her depression will get worse before it gets better as she dredges up more memories, and realizes certain things that she misses about him, etc. Just support her and be sympathetic to her feelings, it's the best (and probably only) thing you can do to help.

2. how can i change the way she looks at me (take our frindship to the next level).

Uhm... you probably can't do this either. It's impossible to MAKE someone like you (you know.. like like you). Just continue being a friend, but be a good one and be sensitive to her feelings; if it happens it happens, if it doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be.

3. how long should i wait before i ask her out and keep from losin her if she says no???

If you're worried about losing her as a friend, don't ask her out. See my advice to #2. If you REALLY want to ask, wait at least a month or more to avoid any possible rebounding. Longer is better.

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mathewmammen
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Icon 1 posted November 30, 2005 10:14      Profile for mathewmammen     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Aditu:
" The thing that helped most was not being left on my own all the time, which was what I thought I wanted. Also my friends found goofy things to do as a group that made me laugh.

Thats not a bad idea. What exactly did your friends do that was so goofy mayb i cud do that?
Funny thing bout this girl tho is tht she clams up when things get too hard or heavy...like when too many memories come back. thats wen d real problem arises.

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Aditu
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Icon 1 posted November 30, 2005 10:39      Profile for Aditu     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
You could get a goofy board game like Pictionary. Go paintballing or some messy outdoor activity. We went sledding in Akron a lot. Cracked my skull on one trip, but didn't think about him. [Big Grin]
Posts: 1355 | From: Osten Ard | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged


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