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Author Topic: Need some advice...
ChildeRoland
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Icon 1 posted October 24, 2005 21:08      Profile for ChildeRoland     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I don't really know how to ask this, so I guess I'll just try to get to it.


There's this young woman in one of my classes (Applied Probability and Statistics) at University. I think she's pretty cute. I've talked to her a few times in the computer lab, just trying to make small talk (which I am NO good at), and she seems real nice. I don't know how geeky she is, but she is an Architectural Engineering major (whereas I am Civil Engineering)
I would like to ask her out, but I've never really been too good at that. I think I can pull it off, after an 'official' introduction maybe a "Do you like to _____?" and if she says yes then "Would you like to go do _______ sometime with me?"

Here's where I'm stuck. I don't really know what she's into. I've found that bowling and pool (billiards) are pretty fun activities for a date, and I know that a movie really sucks for various reasons, and I don't drink coffee (which has been suggested by a friend of mine). But, I'm not sure what to ask her. Are there any ladies here that could offer some insight into the whole thing? Are my ideas awefull, wonderful, or just stagnent?

Also, I'm not sure what to say if she says "No, I'm not really interested/don't like ________." Should I then offer another suggestion, or take it as her showing no interest. I would think if she's interested she'd at least provide a counter-offer, but I don't want to expect something that she may not provide, even if interested.

Maybe I should just try "Wanna go out sometime?" but, I dont know if I can pull that off without sounding weird.

I know, this is a long topic, but it has been a while since I've dated and I really need to get back on the horse. This is already difficult enough for me. What with my extreme shyness towards strangers, and the lack of experience of dealing with this kinda thing.

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Childe Roland

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Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted October 24, 2005 21:48      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
You're on the right track, Childe. I like your method of asking her to someplace specific. If she says no, ask her if there's some place she'd like to go. That way, if she picks a spot, you know she wants to hang out with you, but if she doesn't, she's probably not interested in dating at the moment.

You'll never know unless you ask! [Smile]

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Change the way you SEE, not the way you LOOK!

Posts: 3849 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged
ChildeRoland
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Icon 1 posted October 24, 2005 21:49      Profile for ChildeRoland     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
You'll never know unless you ask! [Smile]
That's the key, but much easier said than done...


BTW - I finally reached geek leve here on the forums. Not sure when it happend, but I'm up to more than 110 posts!

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Childe Roland

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Rhonwyyn

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Icon 1 posted October 24, 2005 21:56      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Send her an e-mail or drop a sticky-note on her desk?

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Change the way you SEE, not the way you LOOK!

Posts: 3849 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged
csk

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Icon 1 posted October 24, 2005 22:16      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
A couple of points. Firstly, asking someone out for coffee isn't literally a case of having to have coffee. It's a shorthand way of saying "hang out at a cafe with me and we can have a chat". I'm sure that they'll make something that you each like. So don't write off the coffee idea so fast.

Secondly, in terms of the actual asking. I'm terrible at practicing this myself, but there really is no way other than "just doing it". This may be easier for you not face to face, but then if you're anything like me, even though that's more comfortable, it won't feel right either. Try to have a pretty good idea of what to say etc, but also be prepared to go with the flow if necessary, too.

Good luck!

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6 weeks to go!

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YaYawoman

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Icon 1 posted October 24, 2005 22:31      Profile for YaYawoman     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi. You can do this. Don't forget to keep eye-contact when you are asking her out, and try not to fidget.

You could always try asking her to have coffee with you after class, so you can discuss it with her.(Either ask for her help if she is stronger in that class, or just say something like Im slightly confused about this class, are you? And if she says yes, suggest getting together to go over it)
If she says yes, then when you are at the coffee shop and things are going ok, casually ask her what other things she likes to do besides this #[email protected]% class. Wait a bit, then ask her if some time this week she would like to go do blahblah.

It never ever hurts to ask or to try. Good luck.

P.S. please let me know how it goes ok? Enquiring minds want to know. HeeHee

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fs

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Icon 1 posted October 25, 2005 08:09      Profile for fs   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
You have a made-for-asking opportunity here. Ask her if she'd like to study together. You can opt for something like the library and then suggest something to eat after or maybe even grab a table at Denny's and eat while you go over notes from class. You also have an opportunity to get to know her a little better, find out what she is into, and ask her on a "real" date.

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I'm in ur database, makin' moar recordz.

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drunkennewfiemidget
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Icon 1 posted October 25, 2005 12:51      Profile for drunkennewfiemidget     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Show up naked.
With beer.

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quantumfluff
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Icon 1 posted October 25, 2005 13:14      Profile for quantumfluff     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Carpe Diem!
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dragonman97

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Icon 1 posted October 25, 2005 13:28      Profile for dragonman97   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
It might not always work, but you can try and form a study group, and be sure you make extend a warm invite to her. This can lead to a more comfortable out-of-class environment, and a better segue is possible after that. You might even do better in the class! Mind you, this didn't work for me, as:
a. She seemed disinterested.
b. Getting a bit closer to her scared me off, as I learned a thing or two about her that I could really do without.

*shrug*

Good luck, man. [Smile]

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There are three things you can be sure of in life: Death, taxes, and reading about fake illnesses online...

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magefile
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Icon 1 posted October 25, 2005 15:06      Profile for magefile     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by quantumfluff:
Carpe Diem!

Carpe scholasticum! But a word of advice - while you're having not-coffee with her, make sure you ignore anything DMan says along the lines of "carpe barista". [Razz]
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ChildeRoland
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Icon 1 posted October 25, 2005 18:42      Profile for ChildeRoland     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
*long whistling sound increasing in pitch*
bombbbb....

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Childe Roland

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The White Tree
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Icon 1 posted October 25, 2005 18:54      Profile for The White Tree     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Just go with "hey you want to go out sometime." I did it, and even though it really sucked, and I was more nervous then I ever was rock climbing (women seem to do that...) she said "yea I'd love to!"
Posts: 201 | From: York, PA, residing/school at NNPTC at NWS Charleston, SC. | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged
CommanderShroom
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Icon 1 posted October 25, 2005 19:11      Profile for CommanderShroom     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by ChildeRoland:
*long whistling sound increasing in pitch*
bombbbb....

At least you tried..

You did try, right?

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Does he know our big secret?
Has one of us confessed?
'Bout the wires circuits and motors
Buried in our chest

Posts: 2465 | From: Utarrrrggggghhh!!!!!!!! | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged
csk

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Icon 1 posted October 25, 2005 19:18      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by CommanderShroom:
quote:
Originally posted by ChildeRoland:
*long whistling sound increasing in pitch*
bombbbb....

At least you tried..

You did try, right?

It's better to have tried and bombed, than never to have tried before. Then again, the last time I asked someone for coffee (over email, sorta), it resulted in a deafening lack of reply. I still feel a bit ripped off that I didn't even get a rejection on that [Wink]

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6 weeks to go!

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ChildeRoland
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Icon 1 posted October 25, 2005 19:47      Profile for ChildeRoland     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, I sure as hell didn't get a yes, but I didn't exactly get a "no". That's the worst part. I think I would've rather had a 'no I'm sickened by the very thought.' That and knowing that I could have asked much better.

Was pretty much "You wanna go out this weekend or something?... You know, with me" And her saying something about family obligations or something like that. I was like 'maybe some other time' She said "Maybe." So I, being the pessimist that I am, said "Maybe not" and she responded with a "Maybe not" in the same exact cheerful voice that she said "maybe" with. I mean, WTH is that supposed to mean?

I forgot the eye contact, and I do realize that my interpersonal skills are HORRENDOUS. Shit, I even finally shaved (after about a month or more of letting my beard go untrimmed) One of my biggest problems is I can think and think about what I'm going to say, but when the time comes to say it it goes to fast and before I know it I've already missed out on a good line, or I've said something stupid or out of place. Only seems to happen with the few people that I actually care about making an impression with.

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Childe Roland

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fs

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Icon 1 posted October 26, 2005 17:35      Profile for fs   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by ChildeRoland:
I was like 'maybe some other time' She said "Maybe." So I, being the pessimist that I am, said "Maybe not" and she responded with a "Maybe not" in the same exact cheerful voice that she said "maybe" with. I mean, WTH is that supposed to mean?

I think that might mean "OK, you had a chance but you just totally blew it and now I think you are kind of a dick." That's what it would mean if I had said it. Sarcasm and a poor attitude are never going to get the girl. You could have just said "well, if stuff falls through, here is my number," and walked away from the situation letting her know you were interested and putting the ball in her court.

From a female perspective: "This guy gets that annoyed and acts like that because I have to go to my grandma's birthday party on Saturday? How's he going to act when I don't want to have sex on the third date?"

Honestly, blatant displays of irritation and annoyance are a huge put-off for me. I don't think I have ever gone out with a guy the first time he asked. Not because I want to keep him hanging, but because generally guys ask before I'm comfortable with the idea. There have been plenty I've gone out with later on after we knew each other better, but never some guy that got snotty because I said no.

We all applaud that you got the courage to ask, but there is no law that says when you do that she has to accept. Acting like now she owes it to you isn't going to get you anywhere.

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I'm in ur database, makin' moar recordz.

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nerdwithnofriends
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Icon 1 posted October 26, 2005 17:59      Profile for nerdwithnofriends     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by FireSnake:
quote:
Originally posted by ChildeRoland:
I was like 'maybe some other time' She said "Maybe." So I, being the pessimist that I am, said "Maybe not" and she responded with a "Maybe not" in the same exact cheerful voice that she said "maybe" with. I mean, WTH is that supposed to mean?

I think that might mean "OK, you had a chance but you just totally blew it and now I think you are kind of a dick." That's what it would mean if I had said it. Sarcasm and a poor attitude are never going to get the girl. You could have just said "well, if stuff falls through, here is my number," and walked away from the situation letting her know you were interested and putting the ball in her court.

From a female perspective: "This guy gets that annoyed and acts like that because I have to go to my grandma's birthday party on Saturday? How's he going to act when I don't want to have sex on the third date?"

Honestly, blatant displays of irritation and annoyance are a huge put-off for me. I don't think I have ever gone out with a guy the first time he asked. Not because I want to keep him hanging, but because generally guys ask before I'm comfortable with the idea. There have been plenty I've gone out with later on after we knew each other better, but never some guy that got snotty because I said no.

We all applaud that you got the courage to ask, but there is no law that says when you do that she has to accept. Acting like now she owes it to you isn't going to get you anywhere.

If I were him, and I could go back, I still wouldn't have just given her my number. I've heard the family/work/stamp-collecting/preparing for armageddon excuse too often before. I wouldn't react in the same way, not because I would be afraid of offending/angering her, but because women have this thing called communication, and it means that if you treat one bad, they al l know about it... instantly. I would have just said 'Well, y'know, whenever." and NOT given her my number, because you KNOW she's never gonna call it and you don't want to get your hopes up.

The people I feel most comfortable asking out on a date or asking to see if they just want to hang out are the ones that I see relatively often, but not on a daily basis. Like kids that I had in class last year whom I see around the school, but I don't have a class with them this year so I don't see them every day.

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"The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top of a mountain or in the petals of a flower." - Robert M. Pirsig

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ChildeRoland
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Icon 1 posted October 27, 2005 03:51      Profile for ChildeRoland     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, before I left I asked if it'd be okay if I emailed her sometime. She said "sure" or something along those lines. I am having a real hard time drafting the letter tho.

I want to let her know that I like her and would like to study sometime together (unlikely, as we are both doing rather well in our common class, and she seems smart enough to not need help in her other classes) or go out. But I don't wanna sound creepy or weird by being too forward. I still havent figured out a way to do it.

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Childe Roland

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ewomack
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Icon 1 posted October 27, 2005 11:35      Profile for ewomack   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Go sloooooooowwwwwwwwwwww...

Eency weency baby steps.

Don't barge in like a five hundred pound hamster with a bellowing "I LIKE YOU!!!!" That will probably scare her off. And do you really know her enough to say that anyway? You're definitely interested in her. Just go slow, be yourself and while you're on the date try not to imagine her naked. Be friends first. Then you'll know.

And remember that life without romantic risk is life without much romance at all.

Good show posting here for support. It will help regardless of what happens.

Good luck!! [Big Grin]

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Ed Womack
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Grummash

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Icon 1 posted October 27, 2005 12:50      Profile for Grummash     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Drop her an email.
Apologise for the clumsy way you approached her.
Just say that you would like to hang out sometime, and if she would like to as well, she knows where to find you.
Then forget about it.
If you get a positive response at any time, it's a bonus [Beard of Peter Gabriel!]

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...and yet, across the gulf of space, minds immeasurably superior to ours regarded this earth with envious eyes...

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The White Tree
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Icon 1 posted October 27, 2005 18:06      Profile for The White Tree     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by ChildeRoland:
One of my biggest problems is I can think and think about what I'm going to say, but when the time comes to say it it goes to fast and before I know it I've already missed out on a good line, or I've said something stupid or out of place. Only seems to happen with the few people that I actually care about making an impression with.

Damn. That's life, isn't it? I think nearly all of us can say this has happened to us at one point or another.
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YaYawoman

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Icon 1 posted October 29, 2005 19:15      Profile for YaYawoman     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi. I'm sorry to hear that it didn't go as well as you/we had hoped. I think this may sound a bit sappy, but here goes. At least you tried. You are not walking around wondering what if.(trust me, that is a real killer) Just drop her a polite, short e-mail along the lines of "hey there, just writing to say hello. Here is where you can reach me if you change your mind". Then chill out. Be courteous and friendly in class but chill out there too.

I understand what you are saying about everything going too fast and too wrong while asking. I've asked guys out. Everyone doing the asking has that happen. DEEP BREATHING before, during and after. Also, next time you ask a girl out, try doing the shaving and clothing thing a week or two before asking, and maintaining it everyday. Oh my, now I sound like a granma... I'm sorry.Bye.

Posts: 765 | From: virginia | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged
ChildeRoland
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Icon 1 posted October 31, 2005 04:31      Profile for ChildeRoland     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yeah, deep breathing and all that. I am extremely shy and it doesn't matter what I intend to do before I get in front of groups of strangers, or some individual strangers, it's unlikely to occur that way.

So, finally sent the email. Was somewhat late, but I figured it was better than nothing. I don't have class till Tuesday. I'm kinda hoping she sends some kind of reply by then. Even a 'hell no, get away from me' would be better than silence.

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Childe Roland

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YaYawoman

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Icon 1 posted November 01, 2005 17:24      Profile for YaYawoman     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi. I saw your post yesterday. I guess all I can say would just sound sappy. You know, all the "at least you tried" and "hang in there". Sappy..... but true. Hey,at least you have a cheering section wishing you well and listening to you.
Did you ever think of looking up your local chapter of Toastmaster's? You might want to look into it. Public speaking practice in front of friendly people with good suggestions, and yet you can avoid the sweaty-palm syndrome because there is no personal link with the group. It could help maybe with being so shy. Just a suggestion from your nag YaYa. Bye.

P.S. Your homework today is go up to two(2)fellow students and make eye-contact and say Hello. [Wink]

Posts: 765 | From: virginia | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged


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