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Author Topic: i'm thinking about very long term things
ooby
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Icon 5 posted June 28, 2005 08:35      Profile for ooby     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I've been with my girlfriend for over 6 months now and things have been absolutely terriffic. They've been so great that i'm thinking about asking a certain question. I'm not thinking about asking it very soon, but it has been on my mind.

Here's the skinny:

After next year, she'll have about 9 credits left before she finishes school, and we were planning on going on a trip in December. I was thinking about asking around then. By that time, I'd better prepared, financially.

The problem with waiting until after she graduates to pop the question is that once she is done, she'll most likely move in with me. One problem with that is that she has pets and I'd hate to make her give them up. I live in a place that doesn't allow pets. Thus, we'd need to find a place that would allow pets (possibly a house).

Another issue is that she seems a bit afraid of getting married. I think this is likely to subside and the completion of school is to draw near.

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"haven't you ever wondered if there's more to life than being really, really, rediculously good looking?"

Posts: 680 | From: South Jersey | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged
Serenak

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Icon 1 posted June 28, 2005 09:12      Profile for Serenak     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Personally I'd say let it ride...

You sound awfully young to be considering getting married. I am getting married next month but then again I *am* over 40!!!

The best advice my father ever gave me was "Don't get married before you are 30". I took that to heart and it served me well (I had a ten year relationship from my mid-twenties to mid-thirties and we considered getting married but never did - just as well really as we grew apart and ended up having nothing in common at all.

Of course if you have religious convictions which preclude living together, sex before marriage, etc. that might make a difference to your choice - but it won't change the fact that the person you are now and the person you will be in (say) 15 years are very, very different.

By all means take a long term view, get a house, whatever - but a marriage is a very serious business (and costly to get out of if it doesn't work out). Take it from me the pain of a broken relationship is bad enough without a load of legal hassles too.

Just my tuppence worth. YMMV etc...

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"So if you want my address - it's No. 1 at the end of the bar, where I sit with the broken angels, clutching at straws and nursing my scars..."

Posts: 1937 | From: Suffolk England | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged
drunkennewfiemidget
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
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Icon 1 posted June 28, 2005 09:15      Profile for drunkennewfiemidget     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I disagree with the great Serenak.

If you love her, and if she makes you happy, and if it works, then go for it. No statistics, other people's relationships, or anything else can tell you how it will work out or if you're right or not. Only your heart.

I fully intend on marrying my gf just as soon as it's financially feasible. If I could afford it, I would *RIGHT NOW*. I'm 22.

*shrugs*

Posts: 4897 | From: Cambridge, ON, Canada | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged
Serenak

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Icon 1 posted June 28, 2005 09:23      Profile for Serenak     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
OK,

But if he is love now why not wait a couple of years. If they're still in love then, think about it again. If thery're not then a lot of problems have been avoided.

By all means talk about it, share your hopes and dreams etc. but in a lifetime relationship a few years is a drop in the ocean....

Heh, I got no right to lecture anyway... 32 days and counting down now.
[Big Grin]

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"So if you want my address - it's No. 1 at the end of the bar, where I sit with the broken angels, clutching at straws and nursing my scars..."

Posts: 1937 | From: Suffolk England | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged
Callipygous
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Icon 1 posted June 28, 2005 09:42      Profile for Callipygous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well it all depends how emotionally mature you both are. In my experience, although there are exceptions, few men really know who they are, or where they are going, until they are at 25+ years old. If you make a commitment earlier than that you run the risk growing apart as you and your respective goals change, which can be very painful. I also think that relationships between people younger than that are often a sort of refuge against a scary world, and again they tend to crumble as the people in them gain self confidence.

Of course there are no rules in matters of the heart, but you better feel pretty darn sure about it, as some grit and tough times are almost certain in your future, however hard that is to imagine now.

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"Knowledge is Power. France is Bacon" - Milton

Posts: 2922 | From: Brighton - UK | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged
Cap'n Vic

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Icon 1 posted June 28, 2005 10:09      Profile for Cap'n Vic     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
There are pros and cons to early/late marriage.

Me: I got married when I was 28ish.....It took 7 years for the first baby to get here so we had a lot of time to just be a couple.

In hind sight, I'd have had kids a lot earlier so I won't be senile and wheelchair bound when the graduate high school/university. I'd like to see their kids grow up to.

On the flip side you can do a lot of living between 20 and 30. I really pushed the boundaries in regards to sex, drugs and rock and roll and I have a lot of memories (some are quite cloudy) I did some stupid shit, ended up in jail in foreign countries and learned a lot about myself and life. I wouldn't trade those years for anything. When I am an old man, sitting on the porch, swilling a mint julep heading deep into dementia the smile on my face will be because I am remembering those days.

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(!) (T) = 8-D

Posts: 5471 | From: One of the drones from sector 7G | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
ooby
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Icon 1 posted June 28, 2005 10:32      Profile for ooby     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, I'm not going to do it now. I'm probably going to start saving up for marriage related expenses, though. I suppose what would happen either way would be the buying of a place allowing pets and cohabitation following graduation. Even if we did get engaged soon, I probably wouldn't want her to suffer the burden of planning a wedding and finishing school. With that in mind, waiting until near the end of her schooling would probably be better than before the last full semester.
It would also take a while to save up for wedding expenses.

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"haven't you ever wondered if there's more to life than being really, really, rediculously good looking?"

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Zim'et
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Icon 1 posted June 28, 2005 11:42      Profile for Zim'et         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Sounds like you've got a great plan. It's good to let her see the finish line first though. I would hate to be thinking about a wedding while trying to finish school.

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3 2 1... Let's Jam

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Tom- geeking around

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Icon 2 posted June 29, 2005 14:22      Profile for Tom- geeking around   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
When my sister got married, they had the Rabbi, a concert-guitar player and the catering company with 3 people serving about 25 guests.
These 25 guests were the only ones at the wedding, and such a close circle made it a very nice and romantic wedding. (only best friends, and close relatives- no uncles and their wives with their kids, bla bla......)
My now brother-in-law's sister had a bigger wedding, and my bro-in-law thinks, that it was a wise choice to keep the people below a certain level.

So, especially if you dont like to be center-of-attention or get nervous easily- dont marry in a huge celebration. there ARE going to be a few people that were unhappy with the celebration and didnt like other wedding-guests.
Also, you are gonna save a bunch of money as well...

Just consider that, *gg*
Otherwise, I can't give you more serious advice with my poor 18 years...
Except: take it slow. People change damn fast. You do too, but maybe you two dont change parallel..
AND - statistics dont lie! (did you know that 67 percent of all statistics are made up?). All those guys that got married thought the way you do right now, but learned better.
Anyways.. 'nuff said..

Thomas

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Pizza and ginormous jugs is what I need!

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skylar
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Icon 1 posted June 30, 2005 04:42      Profile for skylar     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
It sounds to me as if you're thinking about it the right way, ooby, and as if you have a good plan. I haven't been through this myself or anything, so maybe my advice isn't worth alot. But I have been thinking about marriage a lot, lately. I always wanted to get married later, rather than earlier... say late twenties. But recently I have come to think that you can't predict when you'll want to tie the knot... you just have to wait until it feels like the right thing to do, be that now, or in 25 years.

Having said that, my mother told me the other day that she and my dad are going to start looking for a husband for me when I'm 23 [Roll Eyes] ... should be interesting to see how/if I can get out of that one...

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"arm, aber geeky"

Posts: 1994 | From: Deutschland | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged
Cap'n Vic

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Icon 1 posted June 30, 2005 08:53      Profile for Cap'n Vic     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by skylar:
It sounds to me as if you're thinking about it the right way, ooby, and as if you have a good plan. I haven't been through this myself or anything, so maybe my advice isn't worth alot. But I have been thinking about marriage a lot, lately. I always wanted to get married later, rather than earlier... say late twenties. But recently I have come to think that you can't predict when you'll want to tie the knot... you just have to wait until it feels like the right thing to do, be that now, or in 25 years.

Having said that, my mother told me the other day that she and my dad are going to start looking for a husband for me when I'm 23 [Roll Eyes] ... should be interesting to see how/if I can get out of that one...

You could always tell them you and I are dating [hearts]

--------------------
(!) (T) = 8-D

Posts: 5471 | From: One of the drones from sector 7G | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
ooby
Highlie
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Icon 1 posted June 30, 2005 10:02      Profile for ooby     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Tom- geeking around:
(did you know that 67 percent of all statistics are made up?).

78% of all people know that!

--------------------
"haven't you ever wondered if there's more to life than being really, really, rediculously good looking?"

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drunkennewfiemidget
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Icon 1 posted June 30, 2005 11:04      Profile for drunkennewfiemidget     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by ooby:
quote:
Originally posted by Tom- geeking around:
(did you know that 67 percent of all statistics are made up?).

78% of all people know that!
Made up or not, 66% of the time, they work always.
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Sxeptomaniac

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Icon 1 posted June 30, 2005 14:49      Profile for Sxeptomaniac   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by skylar:

Having said that, my mother told me the other day that she and my dad are going to start looking for a husband for me when I'm 23 [Roll Eyes] ... should be interesting to see how/if I can get out of that one...

My parents aren't that bad, fortunately, but I have a number of neighbors and friends who come from a traditional Mexican or Southeast Asian background, and they generally consider it a disaster that I'm not married at 28. [Roll Eyes]

I had one Thai neighbor tell me that she wanted to send me to Thailand to find a wife. I just did my best to be polite, keeping in mind that it's not an unusual approach to marriage in their culture. Fortunately, she only brought it up that one time, so maybe she realized it's not a method I would feel very comfortable with.

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Let's pray that the human race never escapes from Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere. - C. S. Lewis

Posts: 1590 | From: Fresno, CA | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged
skylar
BlabberMouth, the Next Generation
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Icon 12 posted June 30, 2005 16:07      Profile for skylar     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Cap'n Vic:
You could always tell them you and I are dating [hearts]

Can you imagine it...?

"Hey Mum, Dad, gues what?? I met this guy... well, I say 'met'... we both post at the same forums. Y'know web forums? The internet?? No? Never mind. Anyway, we're going out! Isn't that amazing?! He's only a few years older than me, and it's surely not that big a deal that he has a wife and kids that he's completely devoted to. Right? Right??

What's that you say? Is he religious? Well... he's not Muslim... but that's not that big a deal! We won't need a fancy Asian wedding ceremony, because he's already married! And he lives thousands of miles away, so we won't even have to worry about Grandma taking one look and cursing our descendants, like she usually would!

So what do you think? Awww, you really think he sounds perfect? I love you guys!"

*cue hugs all around in skylarville*

So Vic, what time do you wanna pick me up Friday night? [Razz]

Posts: 1994 | From: Deutschland | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged
skylar
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Icon 1 posted June 30, 2005 16:10      Profile for skylar     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Sxeptomaniac:
quote:
Originally posted by skylar:

Having said that, my mother told me the other day that she and my dad are going to start looking for a husband for me when I'm 23 [Roll Eyes] ... should be interesting to see how/if I can get out of that one...

My parents aren't that bad, fortunately, but I have a number of neighbors and friends who come from a traditional Mexican or Southeast Asian background, and they generally consider it a disaster that I'm not married at 28. [Roll Eyes]
28 for a (pseudo)Muslim girl would really be 'left on the shelf'... since all the 'good' boys would be married off by then [shake head] ... As I said, when I get married isn't so much of an issue any more... I'd just prefer to be able to choose who I was marrying!

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"arm, aber geeky"

Posts: 1994 | From: Deutschland | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged
Cap'n Vic

Member # 1477

Icon 1 posted June 30, 2005 16:18      Profile for Cap'n Vic     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by skylar:
quote:
Originally posted by Cap'n Vic:
You could always tell them you and I are dating [hearts]

Can you imagine it...?

"Hey Mum, Dad, gues what?? I met this guy... well, I say 'met'... we both post at the same forums. Y'know web forums? The internet?? No? Never mind. Anyway, we're going out! Isn't that amazing?! He's only a few years older than me, and it's surely not that big a deal that he has a wife and kids that he's completely devoted to. Right? Right??

What's that you say? Is he religious? Well... he's not Muslim... but that's not that big a deal! We won't need a fancy Asian wedding ceremony, because he's already married! And he lives thousands of miles away, so we won't even have to worry about Grandma taking one look and cursing our descendants, like she usually would!

So what do you think? Awww, you really think he sounds perfect? I love you guys!"

*cue hugs all around in skylarville*

So Vic, what time do you wanna pick me up Friday night? [Razz]

Well, when you put it that way it doesn't sound so great [Big Grin]

PS I'll be there at 7pm....the side door again so no one sees me.

--------------------
(!) (T) = 8-D

Posts: 5471 | From: One of the drones from sector 7G | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged
csk

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Icon 1 posted June 30, 2005 17:17      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Sxeptomaniac:
I had one Thai neighbor tell me that she wanted to send me to Thailand to find a wife. I just did my best to be polite, keeping in mind that it's not an unusual approach to marriage in their culture. Fortunately, she only brought it up that one time, so maybe she realized it's not a method I would feel very comfortable with.

You would have had no trouble finding one over there, either. Farang (foreign) men are very popular with the women over there. When I was over there one of the schoolteachers at a school we were visiting for some English teaching basically a) straight out enquired as to my availability and then b) asked if I had any friends that were looking.

On the original topic, marriage is a big decision. I don't know whether I was too young to get married at 23, but I definitely should have thought more about what I was doing, who I was marrying, and the family I was marrying into. There's no hard and fast rules about timing, though, as long as you think things through and carefully and discuss everything ad-infinitum with your girlfriend.

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6 weeks to go!

Posts: 4455 | From: Sydney, Australia | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged


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