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Author Topic: FW: Proof of stupidity
Snaggy

Sir Snaggalot!
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Icon 10 posted July 17, 2001 13:10      Profile for Snaggy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
from the list...

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through its own stupidity, the following are actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter special)

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how ...?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But its "just" a suggestion)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Too late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows day . . .)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope!)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(A veritable news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My Gosh!)


Posts: 8169 | From: Canada | Registered: Jan 2000  |  IP: Logged
Petethelate
Uber Geek
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Icon 10 posted July 17, 2001 17:54      Profile for Petethelate   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
My personal favorite: On a windshield sunscreen: "Do not drive with this in place".

Ptl


Posts: 864 | From: San Jose, CA, USA | Registered: Feb 2000  |  IP: Logged
Swiss Mercenary

Member # 330

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Icon 1 posted July 18, 2001 02:16      Profile for Swiss Mercenary     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The one that always sticks in my mind was the warning I saw on a ladder.
"Do not use on a ice-covered slope."
All I could think about was that someone, somewhere had done just that for the warning to be added onto the ladder.


Posts: 2275 | From: All the way from the land of Chocolate, Cheese and Cuckoo Clocks. | Registered: Feb 2000  |  IP: Logged
Xanthine

Solid Nitrozanium SuperFan!
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Icon 1 posted July 18, 2001 15:33      Profile for Xanthine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Next question: what percentage of these warnings are the results of lawsuits?

------------------
Take by surprise and the world gives up resistance.
- Tennesee Williams


Posts: 7670 | From: the lab | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged
EngrBohn
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Icon 6 posted July 24, 2001 05:06      Profile for EngrBohn     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 

Something I copied out of the July/August 1991 Mercury that, in turn, was reproduced from the January/February 1991 The Journal of Irreproducible Results


As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautinoary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in linght of the findings of 20th century physics.

We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists and science enthusiasts, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product in every category offered for sale. Our suggested listo f required warnings appears below:


WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.
WARNING: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them.
CAUTION: The mass of htis product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five h undred million miles per hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle", it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving.
ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a process known as "tunnelling", this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the Universe, including your neighbor's domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to certain suggested versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the primary particels consituting this product may decay into nothingness within the next four hundred million years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the Universe.
NOTE: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together by a "gluing" force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive power can therefore not be permanently guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite any othe rlisting of product contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of 99.9999999999% empty space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer may technically be entitled to claim that this product is ten-dimensional. However, the consumer is reminded that this confers no legal rights above and beyond those applicable to three-dimensional objects, since the seven new dimensions are "rolled up" into such a small "area" that they cannot be detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The subatomic particles (electrons, protons, etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in every measureable respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when lifting this product, since its mass, and thus its weight, is dependent on its velocity relative to the user.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire physical Universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently reemerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.

------------------
cb
Oooh! What does this button do!?


Posts: 987 | From: United States | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged
macwoman
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Icon 1 posted July 24, 2001 07:07      Profile for macwoman   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
A personal favorite is the warning on the documentation included with my birth control pills that says, "Caution: do not use if you have or may have prostate cancer."

------------------
Amber Rhea
(macwoman)

Windows 95 (win-DOH-z), n. A thirty-two bit extension and graphical shell
to a sixteen bit patch to an eight bit operating system originally coded for a four bit microprocessor which was used in a PC built by a two bit company that couldn't stand one bit of competition.


Posts: 260 | From: Plano, TX USA | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
ARJ
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Icon 1 posted July 24, 2001 16:48      Profile for ARJ   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
My favorite of these comes from high school. My mom would make my lunch for me most of the time (I hated the cafeteria food-- expensive and gross), and sometimes she'd put Fruit Roll-Ups in among other things. The package had a warning to the effect of "WARNING: Peel fruit from plastic before eating." Really? It's not edible plastic? And I so wanted the challenge of peeling off the plastic after I'd already eaten it.
Posts: 1197 | From: Sydney, NSW, AU | Registered: Jan 2000  |  IP: Logged
DoctorWho

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Icon 6 posted August 03, 2001 10:40      Profile for DoctorWho     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
On a blanket from Taiwan — NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists — REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

On a Taiwanese shampoo — USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink — AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

On a New Zealand insect spray — THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In a US guide to setting up a new computer — TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids — LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles — OPEN OTHER END.

On a packet of Sunmaid raisins — WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

On a Sears hairdryer — DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

On a Korean kitchen knife — WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

------------------
CrawGator

A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. Douglas Adams Mostly Harmless


Posts: 1694 | From: The TARDIS | Registered: Apr 2000  |  IP: Logged
bizzybody
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Member # 923

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Icon 1 posted October 09, 2001 14:22      Profile for bizzybody     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
On a packet of Ultra Downy fabric softener that came with a new clothes washer.

"Ultra Downy is available only in the United States. (Not in Canada.)"

Darn, I was _sure_ we'd assimilated Canada by now.

::EDIT::
I got a bit mixed up on that, but here's a scan for proof.
http://www.ruralnetwork.net/~gregg/notincanada2.jpg


Posts: 44 | From: Idaho, USA. | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
DivaGeek
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Icon 10 posted October 13, 2001 13:09      Profile for DivaGeek     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
There was a warning on the steering wheel of my 72 Valiant.

"Not for internal use"

...Of course I wrote it there, but you get the point.


Posts: 142 | From: The city by that great big dead lake | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged
Louie
Geek-in-Training
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Icon 1 posted October 13, 2001 17:10      Profile for Louie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter special)

I'm pretty sure most are aware, but just to make sure, when they say "No purchase necessary", it means you can call the company and ask them to mail you a game piece.


Posts: 36 | From: Staten Island, NY | Registered: Jan 2001  |  IP: Logged
WinterSolstice

Solid Nitrozanium SuperFan
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Icon 10 posted October 16, 2001 14:33      Profile for WinterSolstice     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I LOVE the JIR!

My favorite reading for humor's sake is 'Sex as a pile of broken machinery' or something to that effect. Very funny!!

-WS


Posts: 1192 | From: Los Angeles | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
LifetimeTrekker
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Icon 1 posted October 16, 2001 17:14      Profile for LifetimeTrekker     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I have seen the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Larry, Moe, Curly and Shemp.

If the world does come to an end, it'll be thru the sheer stupidity of humanity.


Posts: 669 | From: Albuquerque, NM, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged
quantumfluff
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Icon 1 posted October 18, 2001 07:20      Profile for quantumfluff     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Sometimes the stupidity disclaimers don't help.

True Story:

My old Honda Prelude (my favorite car ever, I miss her) had a warning in the handbook that I "should not open the sunroof when there is snow or ice on the roof". Well DUH! So, what happens. One night in the middle of the winter, I've got the two kids, in car seats, in the back. It's cold, it's dark and I'm trying to get somewhere in a hurry. The older one cannot get herself buckled in. I try to see what's going on, but I can't. So while contorting around to fumble for my daughter's seat belt with my right hand, I reach up with my left to turn on the overhead light.

Now, anyone who has ever owned a prelude knows that the light button is right next to the roof button. Ten years later and my kids still talk about how daddy made the avalanche of snow in the car.


Posts: 2902 | From: 5 to 15 meters above sea level | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged
SupportGoddess

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Member # 822

Icon 1 posted October 19, 2001 17:39      Profile for SupportGoddess   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by quantumfluff:
Sometimes the stupidity disclaimers don't help.

True Story:

My old Honda Prelude (my favorite car ever, I miss her) had a warning in the handbook that I "should not open the sunroof when there is snow or ice on the roof". Well DUH! So, what happens. One night in the middle of the winter, I've got the two kids, in car seats, in the back. It's cold, it's dark and I'm trying to get somewhere in a hurry. The older one cannot get herself buckled in. I try to see what's going on, but I can't. So while contorting around to fumble for my daughter's seat belt with my right hand, I reach up with my left to turn on the overhead light.

Now, anyone who has ever owned a prelude knows that the light button is right next to the roof button. Ten years later and my kids still talk about how daddy made the avalanche of snow in the car.


I clean off half my roof in the winter (over the driver's side). Dumping a whole pile of snow on a passenger strongly discourages misbehavior.

------------------
Nice computers don't go down...


Posts: 1150 | From: The Digital Temple | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
GrumpySteen

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Member # 170

Icon 1 posted October 21, 2001 18:43      Profile for GrumpySteen     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
SupportGoddess wrote:
I clean off half my roof in the winter (over the driver's side). Dumping a whole pile of snow on a passenger strongly discourages misbehavior.

That's evil! You've defnitely been doing technical support for a while


Posts: 6364 | From: Tennessee | Registered: Jan 2000  |  IP: Logged
quantumfluff
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
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Icon 1 posted October 21, 2001 19:41      Profile for quantumfluff     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by SupportGoddess:
I clean off half my roof in the winter (over the driver's side). Dumping a whole pile of snow on a passenger strongly discourages misbehavior.

Oh, I like you. You're devious. An additional fun thing is driving a car where the driver has a window lock, yet can still operate the individual windows from their control. Wait for rain.


Posts: 2902 | From: 5 to 15 meters above sea level | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged


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