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Author Topic: Draft senior citizens

Member # 3166

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Icon 1 posted July 25, 2007 15:05      Profile for garlicguy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
(Stolen from another forum)

I'm over 55 and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. (You can't be older than 42 to join the military.)

They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.

Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts! I'm hungry! Where's the remote?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to drink. The average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer, and a jaunt through the desert heat with a beer and an M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. (Note there are 24 hours in a day and 24 bottles in a case...another convenient way to measure time!)

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m.

Old guys always get up early to pee.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real braintease.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt now, "Get down and give me ... er ... one."

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his shorts sticking out. He's hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda can rupture an eardrum, and that a baseball cap has a brim to shade eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

I don't know what I was thinking... it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Posts: 3753 | From: Pluto, no matter what you call it, is still my home. | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged

Solid Nitrozanium SuperFan!
Member # 736

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Icon 14 posted July 25, 2007 15:30      Profile for Xanthine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Both hysterical and poignant. Two thumbs up!

And it's one, two, three / On the wrong side of the lee / What were you meant for? / What were you meant for?
- The Decemberists

Posts: 7670 | From: the lab | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged
Member # 5114

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Icon 1 posted July 25, 2007 16:28      Profile for stevenback7   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
nice - either way we get rid of people we don't want !!! ouch.

Comic Book Guy: There is no emoticon for what i'm feeling.

Posts: 1199 | From: Canada eh? | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged

Member # 2950

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Icon 1 posted July 25, 2007 19:07      Profile for Serenak     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Ha ha ha

Yup, just give us old (if unfit) grumpies guns, beers, smokes and a good reason to believe that all our day-to-day miseries are down to "that lot over there" and we WILL give 'em hell - and I bet any captured terrorists would talk a lot quicker faced with a barrage of "you kids don't know how good you got it... why in my day..." than any amount of "extended debriefing".

Only flaw in the plan is if they did the same... wars would drag on 5x as long (but the casualties would be 5x less) while all us old codgers ended up in the middle of the "battlefield" griping together about the state of the world, trading stories about the "old days" and stopping for a smoke... because "hell, at least no one will complain about me lighting my pipe out here"... [Big Grin]

"So if you want my address - it's No. 1 at the end of the bar, where I sit with the broken angels, clutching at straws and nursing my scars..."

Posts: 1938 | From: Suffolk England | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged
Mac D
BlabberMouth, the Next Generation
Member # 2926

Icon 1 posted July 26, 2007 09:09      Profile for Mac D     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I had a Srgt. in my RSP ask me why I joined at such an old age (He called me old ..... I'm only 28!!!!!) And I told him my reasons then he got down to another name. There is a girl that ships off to Basic in August and she is 46. We always talk because ummm yeah we are the 2 oldest in the group. Everyone else there is talking about how there graduation from High school went. So maybe I feel a little old when I am at drills. But I have noticed that these kids don't know squat about much really. But then again who learns anything in High school? I have learned more in the decade since high school then my 13 years in school tottal.

So maybe this isn't a bad idea.

There's nothing wrong with me, This is how I'm supposed to be.

Posts: 1449 | From: Where I am is very relative to my location at that time. | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged
The Famous Druid

Gold Hearted SuperFan!
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Icon 1 posted July 26, 2007 11:58      Profile for The Famous Druid     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Reminds me of Dads Army. [Applause]

If you watch 'The History Of NASA' backwards, it's about a space agency that has no manned spaceflight capability, then does low-orbit flights, then lands on the Moon.

Posts: 10705 | From: Melbourne, Australia | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged

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