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Author Topic: I Wonder
TheMoMan
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 1659

Member Rated:
4
Icon 1 posted March 03, 2006 18:33      Profile for TheMoMan         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi to all________________Hi to everybody, a friend of Mrs TheMoMan sent this to her, The Mrs claims that
I would be tempted to try such an item upon myself, I doubt it, as I have been
educated in the arts of cattle prods, however please read.


Subject: Anniversary Gift, A Must Read for the Blues

Pocket Taser Stun Gun -- a great gift for the wife. (This was submitted
by a
guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their
anniversary.)


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my
interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO
COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
AAA
batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it
against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
the
face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right??!!! There
I
sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try
this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I
thought
about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) but thought better of
it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my
wife
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would
work as advertised. Am I wrong?


So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
Taser
in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with
two
itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What
happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side
as if to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs
to
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS
[email protected][email protected]$$!% <mailto:[email protected][email protected]$$!%> [email protected]*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a Taser, one
note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst
would
be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! Some time later (I can't be sure, as
time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
little I
had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses
were
on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps,
right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it
had
been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward
for
their safe return.


Still in shock,
Tommy

--------------------
Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.


Benjamin Franklin,

Posts: 5855 | From: Just South of the Huron National Forest, in the water shed of the Rifle River | Registered: Sep 2002  |  IP: Logged
Jace Raven

Solid Nitrozanium SuperFan!
Member # 2444

Icon 1 posted March 03, 2006 18:56      Profile for Jace Raven         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
We did a lot of detainee handling in Iraq and I know from personal experience what it feels to underestimate 2 AAA batteries and a pocket Taser.

Needless to say the demonstration was effective.

I feel for this guy. I really do...

Posts: 1791 | Registered: Nov 2003  |  IP: Logged
TMBWITW,PB

Member # 1734

Member Rated:
5
Icon 1 posted March 03, 2006 19:18      Profile for TMBWITW,PB     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I saw that in the best of craigslist! [thumbsup] Funny stuff! [Applause]

--------------------
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye."
—Miss Piggy

Posts: 4010 | From: my couch | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
dragonman97

SuperFan!
Member # 780

Member Rated:
4
Icon 1 posted March 03, 2006 21:20      Profile for dragonman97   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Why was he wearing a 'tank top?'

--------------------
There are three things you can be sure of in life: Death, taxes, and reading about fake illnesses online...

Posts: 9345 | From: Westchester County, New York | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Daniélín Aine
Mini Geek
Member # 4894

Member Rated:
5
Icon 1 posted March 03, 2006 23:07      Profile for Daniélín Aine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thanks... I needed that. That made me laugh so hard my ear hurt. (It's still not better yet.)

--------------------
"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
Abraham Lincoln

Posts: 96 | From: The resturant at the end of the universe | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged
Rhonwyyn

Solid Gold SuperFan!
Member # 2854

Member Rated:
4
Icon 2 posted March 03, 2006 23:19      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Why is this funny?

--------------------
Change the way you SEE, not the way you LOOK!

Posts: 3851 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged
Erbo
Discontinued


Icon 1 posted March 03, 2006 23:19            Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
You know, I've got to admire this guy's presence of mind. No, not in applying the taser to himself; he showed great presence of mind in purchasing the taser instead of, say, a Smith & Wesson .38 Special. [Big Grin]
IP: Logged
The Famous Druid

Gold Hearted SuperFan!
Member # 1769

Member Rated:
4
Icon 1 posted March 03, 2006 23:58      Profile for The Famous Druid     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:

I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

For the good of the Gene Pool, I hope they're never found. [Wink]

--------------------
If you watch 'The History Of NASA' backwards, it's about a space agency that has no manned spaceflight capability, then does low-orbit flights, then lands on the Moon.

Posts: 10702 | From: Melbourne, Australia | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged


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