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Author Topic: Frustrations
HalfVast

Member # 3187

Icon 1 posted April 29, 2005 18:34      Profile for HalfVast     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Rho, I'll second TFD on this. Being away at school is still not
quite the same a being on your own. Coming back to live with a
parent can be worse, (my brother has vehemently confirmed this
for me.) When I moved out I knew nothing about life and being
on my own (but I didn't know that I didn't know...). I had to go
before I could really get it and fully understand where my parents
were coming from.

They underwent an amazing transformation.
When I was 21 my parents didn't know a thing about life. By the time
I was 26 they had become absolutely brilliant in the subject and I sought
their advice and aproval in many things. Of course it helped that
we didn't share a house anymore. [Wink]

As for not getting good employment out of college I'm reminded of
a buhdist maxim. "Before enlightenment, cut wood, carry water.
After enlightenment, cut wood, carry water." Rewards are not always
swift or certain and sometimes the best thing you can do is make
sure the bills are paid and there's food on the table. That in itself
is somthing to take pride in. (and I haven't forgotten I owe you a
PM. Had an interesting work week myself [crazy] )

Posts: 796 | From: In the mitten around the abductor pollicis brevis. | Registered: Jan 2005  |  IP: Logged
maia
Alpha Geek
Member # 3778

Member Rated:
5
Icon 1 posted April 29, 2005 19:50      Profile for maia     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
My mom and I are best friends as long as I don't live with her. I moved back home for a few months in college after being on my own for a few years. She would tell me when to clean my room and when to brush my teeth. She even put a curfew on me. It drove me crazy that she couldn't accept that I was an adult. We would constantly argue about the details of my life. Needless to say, I quickly got out of there. Now, we get along great.

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Nothing is too petty to be thoroughly discussed.

Posts: 316 | From: United States | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged
drunkennewfiemidget
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 2814

Member Rated:
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Icon 1 posted April 30, 2005 08:28      Profile for drunkennewfiemidget     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I, too, get along better with my parents when I don't live with them. I'm fortunate enough to have never been in a position to have been put down by them or really really mad at them as others, but they do get on my nerves when I live there. I moved back for a few months in late 2003 before I moved out to Ottawa just to catch up on some bills and work out the move and stuff, and they got on my nerves a bit. They've pretty much let me do my own thing and not told me what to do since I was about 15 or so, but the freedom is definitely a good thing. And I get along better with them when I don't live there.
Posts: 4897 | From: Cambridge, ON, Canada | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged
TMBWITW,PB

Member # 1734

Member Rated:
5
Icon 1 posted April 30, 2005 12:49      Profile for TMBWITW,PB     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I guess I've been pretty lucky with my parents. One of them at least. My mother is wonderful. We have always gotten along, even when we lived together, even when I was a teenager. We can talk about anything at all, and growing up I never had to wonder if she was proud of me. My father, on the other hand, is a different story. When I was young and cute he played with me a lot. I remember naps on the couch, tickle fights, wrestling, and lots of good fun. Then I got older and the only things he wanted to do together were for me to help him out with a music gig. And strangely enough, he wasn't really supportive of me going into music for a career. One time in my freshman year of high school he told me he was ashamed of me and our relationship hasn't been the same since. We didn't get along for the last few years we lived together, and even after I had lived on my own for a year and moved back in temporarily he still treated me as though I was fifteen. I don't dislike the man, but I feel like I don't know him and don't really feel safe discussing my opinions with him. He's more like a distant uncle to me now than a dad. And it doesn't help that he moved to Michigan.

Sorry, this is becoming a pity fest. [blush] It's not easy when you want comfort and support but you don't know where to get it. Maybe try looking to a sibling, cousin, or friend for the venting you need to do. I'm lucky enough to have a mom that I can complain to. If you can't complain to yours, then you just need a substitute. It probably will never get easier to know that you can't confide in someone you want to, but having someone else to fill the gap can help.

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"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye."
—Miss Piggy

Posts: 4010 | From: my couch | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
dragonman97

SuperFan!
Member # 780

Member Rated:
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Icon 1 posted April 30, 2005 14:34      Profile for dragonman97   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm mostly going to keep my mouth shut on this matter and just wish you luck, and recommending taking the sage advice of the others who have posted before me.

I did wish to reply to one comment above:
Xanthine: Chopping off your hair would certainly be a change, but I don't think it'd be a change for the good. [Smile]

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There are three things you can be sure of in life: Death, taxes, and reading about fake illnesses online...

Posts: 9345 | From: Westchester County, New York | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
csk

Member # 1941

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Icon 1 posted April 30, 2005 18:40      Profile for csk     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
TFD hit the nail on the head, very succintly too. As a person recovering from an unhealthy relationship with my parents, it's so much better to be in control of your own life rather than someone else controlling it.

Now, if only a certain 32 year old single mother who's living at home with her mother for an indefinite length of time would take this on board.

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6 weeks to go!

Posts: 4455 | From: Sydney, Australia | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged
Rhonwyyn

Solid Gold SuperFan!
Member # 2854

Member Rated:
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Icon 1 posted May 03, 2005 20:47      Profile for Rhonwyyn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
So I got the official word today that it's too late to get funding for Fall 2005 so I should apply for Fall 2006. In the meantime, the International Guest House in Washington, DC, wants me to work for them for a year. I'd love to go... free room and board and meeting many brilliant people from all over the world. The only catch is that it's Voluntary Service, which means I wouldn't make any money doing it. That bites 'cause I have a bit under US$7000 to pay off on my car. Any suggestions on what to do with my car during the year I would be gone? I won't go if I can't figure out how to make payments on my car.

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Change the way you SEE, not the way you LOOK!

Posts: 3851 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged
GameMaster
BlabberMouth, a Blabber Odyssey
Member # 1173

Member Rated:
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Icon 1 posted May 03, 2005 21:02      Profile for GameMaster   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Ideas:
1.) Sell it? Use the money you get to pay it off and the rest to cover the move?

2.) Get an additional part time job to pay down the car and give you a little spending money.

3.) Rob a bank. Naked. And with a beer. I figgure they give the latter half for anything else... So why not?

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My Site

Posts: 3038 | From: State of insanity | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
Xanthine

Solid Nitrozanium SuperFan!
Member # 736

Member Rated:
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Icon 1 posted May 03, 2005 21:28      Profile for Xanthine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by dragonman97:

Xanthine: Chopping off your hair would certainly be a change, but I don't think it'd be a change for the good. [Smile]

Don't worry. I'm not getting rid of my trademark ponytail anytime soon.

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And it's one, two, three / On the wrong side of the lee / What were you meant for? / What were you meant for?
- The Decemberists

Posts: 7670 | From: the lab | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged
Serenak

Member # 2950

Member Rated:
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Icon 1 posted May 04, 2005 04:52      Profile for Serenak     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Peebs,

This might not be relevant but do you know any reason why your Dad might have been like that?

You see my Dad was a wonderful father until I turned about 12/13 and then he just didn't seem to be able to connect with me anymore, (and not just in the usual teenager-adult "you don't understand" sense either).

So from about 13 to 19 I hardly really knew my Dad, he was there but I seemed to somehow grate on him and yet be half invisible at the same time. Once I was 17 he bought me a motorcycle so I could be independent and from 18 we would go to the pub (bar) and have a drink and gradually through my 20's and 30's things gradually worked back to a "normal" father/son state.

Now what I didn't know at 13 but found out later was that my Dad's father died of a brain haemorrhage when my Dad was 11 - he went to live with his aunt for many years and only moved back in with his mother as a late teenager when she remarried.

So my Dad had no frame of reference as to how a father and son should be together between about 11 and 20 something (apparently he didn't get on with his stepfather at first and my dad and his brother made the man's life hell, over the years though my Dad told me he learned first to respect him and then to like him.)

Oh yes - when I was in my teens my Dad was in his 40s and his father died at 46 - when my Dad was 50 he had a huge party. He told me afterwards that he spent most of his 40s afraid that he would never see 50... Rationally a totally foolish fear, emotionally totally understandable I think...

Sorry, probably of no help to anyone, (except maybe me...).

Maybe you should see if you can't connect up a few dots and see a picture that you weren't aware of Peebs.

Was your father nervous or intimidated by your puberty? (Many men are you know, they find it hard to accept that their "little girl" is going to turn into a fully fledged sexually attractive woman...)

With my Dad it was Steam Rallies, he wanted to go so I *must* want to go and look at the steam traction too. Sometimes it was OK but at 14 one traction engine soon starts to look much like another... With your dad it was gigs.... Plus ça change...

As to the music career thing - I wouldn't take that too much to heart (though I expect you did at the time). Many musicians/actors/artists etc. wouldn't recommend their career to their children and/or try to actively discourage them from pursuing it (usually fruitlessly I might add...)

Just my meaningless tuppenceworth...

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"So if you want my address - it's No. 1 at the end of the bar, where I sit with the broken angels, clutching at straws and nursing my scars..."

Posts: 1938 | From: Suffolk England | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged
TMBWITW,PB

Member # 1734

Member Rated:
5
Icon 1 posted May 04, 2005 08:30      Profile for TMBWITW,PB     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Serenak:
Peebs,

This might not be relevant but do you know any reason why your Dad might have been like that?

Absolutely. Prior to that he was the primary breadwinner for the family and fixed copy machines. Then he got carpal tunnel syndrome and had to quit that job. Mom went to work to support the family and Dad got to finally pursue his dream of being a full-time musician. (Why playing keyboards doesn't aggravate carpal tunnel I'll never know. [Roll Eyes] ) Once he got to do nothing but play his music everything took second place. That is a major reason why Mom and Dad are in counseling right now, but even that doesn't seem to be helping...

--------------------
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye."
—Miss Piggy

Posts: 4010 | From: my couch | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged


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