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Author Topic: *Pulls Hair Out of Head*
Too Cool To Quit
SuperBlabberMouth!
Member # 2217

Icon 1 posted November 05, 2006 08:39      Profile for Too Cool To Quit     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
So, last night I hung out with Brent, Tabatha, Jason and Megan and now, finally, after all of these years of sweating him, Tabatha finally has Brent. Never would have thought after talking to her for all this time about it that she'd ever get back where she wanted to be, but she's happy now it seems. But I'm not. It REALLY, REALLY fucks with my head. Not because I want to be with her, because I don't, I've got too much respect for my boy, and she's just as much equally my girl as he is my boy. I'm not even going to venture that one.

No, it fucks with my head, because seeing the way these little fucking kids (I full well realize that in saying that some of you are rolling your eyes) are, and I know I can't have that kind of stuff any more. They're young. They're unharmed, unscarred. I'm fucked up, and fucked over. It all reminds me though, of a time when I was like that. I mean, yeah, I'm happier now more than ever, but that's because I've removed myself of the thought of the dreams I used to have.

Grr... what am I trying to say?

Am I jealous of them, what the fuck?

No, I'm not jealous of them, I'm jealous of my past.

What really fucks with my head is that I can't have S****. I know exactly who she happens to be, and she ought to, but that's all I could think about last night. S****, S****, S****. (I censor it to protect the innocent, not myself.)

I wish I still had what I used to have, and I don't blame her for me not having it. I blame the cruelty of my own bottomless luck, because despite the fact that she did some things that sort of fucked things up, that would be no excuse for me to be mad at her forever, because it isn't an excuse, and I'm not mad, but now she's in a place where anything is impossible. Completely. Fucking. Impossible. And talking to her on the phone really trips me out. Because it's like all of the bad things that existed in our relationship and thusly our phone conversations, just disappeared. We're at a level of freedom that is unquestionably a good thing, but then, if we were to be in a relationship again, would that still be the case?


And so Anthony calls me, and he's questioning some things in his relationship, and I give him all of this "sage advice" I'm known so well for giving to others abundandtly, and I realize, I'm sitting here trying to tell someone else how to make sense of the dynamics of a heterosexual relationship, and yet, I still haven't come to terms with my own losses.

I tell her that I'm happier single, I tell her that I don't want to ever get married, I tell her I don't want to have kids. I still really don't want to have kids, I mean, god damn, I don't want kids. And maybe marriage is just a word, but we were married, in my mind, and I think even in hers sometimes. (Knowing we weren't...) But I'm not happier single, and I wish to this day nothing different than I did the whole time I knew her....... and that is to be with her......... and it just isn't going to happen, and I've got to keep telling myself that.


--------------------

This has been really messing with me for a while now, and I don't know what else to say about it besides what I said above. I know there is going to be the usual "you're young, you're just starting in life," I know that, "you'll get over it," maybe I will, but maybe I won't.

Aside from that... if any one has anything to help me out with this... [Frown]

P.S. This is all about my past relationship, the "perfect one" that ended abruptly and unexpectedly this summer.

 -

[What a fugly beast that is on the left...]

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Alright now, that's the last straw, I'm calling the ass taxidermist to tell him to stop making hats in your size RIGHT NOW.

Posts: 1097 | From: North Carolina | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged
dragonman97

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Icon 1 posted November 05, 2006 08:52      Profile for dragonman97   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Okay...I think you need to give the cosmic bong back to MMKK. [Wink]

I'm sorry, but I can barely make heads or tails out of the above, and will just give you a perfunctory "Chin up, lad, it'll get better." [Smile]

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There are three things you can be sure of in life: Death, taxes, and reading about fake illnesses online...

Posts: 9332 | From: Westchester County, New York | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Too Cool To Quit
SuperBlabberMouth!
Member # 2217

Icon 1 posted November 05, 2006 08:55      Profile for Too Cool To Quit     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I've been losing a lot of sleep lately. Not over this... but just losing sleep, so if I seem jumbled, it's probably because I am...

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Alright now, that's the last straw, I'm calling the ass taxidermist to tell him to stop making hats in your size RIGHT NOW.

Posts: 1097 | From: North Carolina | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged
Mel
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Icon 1 posted November 05, 2006 09:08      Profile for Mel     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Society makes us feel like we have to be paired up with someone all the time, and it puts a lot of pressure on people. Sometimes it makes us have blind crushes too, then when you take a step back, you think "why the heck did I like that person?!?!" But of course relationships come and go, and it's hard to deal with now, but when you look back at it, it's just a blip in time. So just relax and don't get too hurt by this. All-in-all, life is full of disappointments. If you put too much emotion into them, you'll wear yourself out.

And women are teases. Don't be misled by us. We like to flirt and love attention (which obviously makes guys mad when they can't have us). So don't let her play with your emotions either. Make sure you can see through our little tricks...lol

Your post was full of holes that I don't know how to fill in because I don't know you, so that's all I got. I can only assume what your issue is.

Posts: 309 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged
Mel
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Icon 1 posted November 05, 2006 09:10      Profile for Mel     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
P.S. I realized your only 17...so yeah...you have lots of drama to go through yet!
Posts: 309 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged
Too Cool To Quit
SuperBlabberMouth!
Member # 2217

Icon 1 posted November 05, 2006 10:27      Profile for Too Cool To Quit     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I realize there are a lot of holes, I haven't quite managed to fill them myself.

As far as that is concerned, the reason we are not together truly is completely beyond our control. The reason why we broke up was because of a mistake she made, and partially a mistake we both made. The former is her buisness and mine, the but the latter is that we spent all day every day together. I'd pick her up in the morning every day and take her school, and then go pick her up when she got out of school, and then we'd stay at the house and cook for the kids (her little brothers 6 and 10, and her step-niece and step-nephew who were 3 months and 2 years respectively at the time) and watch tv and then I'd leave at like 11:30 and go take care of stuff through out the night and then get up and do it again. I did that from January (after we had been dating for 3 or four months) to July non stop. I mean, seriously, not a single day missed.

We spent every waking moment together, and it got old. So, about 4 months into all that, she asks me if she could try some pot, knowing that I did it but never having done it herself, and she started smoking pot with me and my friend that I used to sling with back then and had known and been best friends with all of my life. She only smoked with me, and that was the rule. We made that rule because I had warned her that other people (specifically a certain crowd she hung out with) might lace it with something (I know because I've smoked with them before and they did all those times I smoked with them) and some people have adverse reactions to cocaine.

Then I started smoking when she wasn't around, and it was never stated that I couldn't, but she started to think it was unfair, and I did too, so we forgot about the rule, and she started smoking with them (I never told her she couldn't hang out with them, just that I'd prefer she didn't smoke with them), and then she started drinking and doing pills, and I let it slip by me for a little while, I didn't want to seem like I was trying to be over protective.

Well, I was over protective and I pushed her away and she got drunk one night and a couple of the guys that were there started trying to take advantage of her. And, of course, she was a little on the sweet side to them, but that wouldn't be what bother me. But any way, this got relayed back to me through another girl (that was just trying to stir things up, I discovered, so it's also majorly my mistake) but in slightly different sequence. Stirgirl's reproduction of the night, in her words, was that the my girlfriend was hanging all over the two boys, (believeable, but again, this wouldn't have bothered me), and that she had been kissing them and making out with them (Again, believeable, wouldn't have bothered me), and that she had given them oral sex (the clincher) and I kept this to myself, but one day confronted her about it.

I told her I knew there was something she was not telling me (I knew she had been where stirgirl said she was that night, and I knew stirgirl was there too) and she said "Bre?" and that was all I needed to hear. But then she said "Oh. You heard." and we didn't talk after that until some time later.

Later I confirmed that she hadn't actually done anything with them (it took a 2:00 confrontation at my other friend's house with me and one of the guys she was said to have done something with).

It's a bunch of screwed up stuff.

And it's really been wracking my nerves for a very long time now.

--------------------
Alright now, that's the last straw, I'm calling the ass taxidermist to tell him to stop making hats in your size RIGHT NOW.

Posts: 1097 | From: North Carolina | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged
Too Cool To Quit
SuperBlabberMouth!
Member # 2217

Icon 1 posted November 05, 2006 11:19      Profile for Too Cool To Quit     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
This thread was a waste of you guys' time. I could have predicted the responses just because of the subject matter.

But I will atleast take a moment out of time to clarify things for the people that did take the time out of their day to respond.

Dragonman already knows how jumbled I can be sometimes. But now instead of making shit up, it's too real for me to handle. Cosmic payback is a bitch.

Mel, I'm not quite sure you have zeroed in on it either, but I don't reckon I expect you to. I appreciate what things you have said though. Unfortunately, this is the same advice that I give day in, day out, day in, day out but I need to clarify that I'm not saying I feel like I have to be paired with somebody. I'm very happy single, I'm just not very happy that I lost possibly the best friend I've ever had. Life is very full of disappointments, I live my life each day knowing this. This isn't necessarily a disappointment anymore. I was disappointed then, now I'm longing to be close to a friend again.

As far as little tricks are concerned, I don't believe in it in that way. I mean, I believe women and men have different agenda's and it is an unspoken thing but they do have agendas. Everyone has an agenda. (Holds up his agenda.) See? Even I've got one. The difference are where these "tricks" occur. BUT, this is not the case in this situation. I know a little bit about love, I know a little bit about girls. I know a little bit about a lot of things and a lot about nothing. But this is not the issue.

She didn't do any tricks. This isn't about someone playing hard to get.

She moved to Kentucky shortly after we broke up. I broke up with her, but it was long over due us having some time apart, but just not in such a permanent manner.

On second thought though, this thread has been very helpful for me. It's helped me put my hands on some insight that was a little above my reach. I just had to stand on your heads for a little while and stretch a little bit to get to it.

--------------------
Alright now, that's the last straw, I'm calling the ass taxidermist to tell him to stop making hats in your size RIGHT NOW.

Posts: 1097 | From: North Carolina | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged
Callipygous
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Icon 1 posted November 05, 2006 14:47      Profile for Callipygous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
TCTQ though you are still not over this last relationship, and though your post is rather rambling, indicating that you haven't fully got your head around it, you have obviously learned much, that with a little time you will be grateful for.

Firstly I hope that by describing that relationship as "the perfect one", you were being ironic, as from your description it had more than a whiff of co-dependence about it. The most important thing, I suggest, is by spending that much time together, you made the relationship too inward looking, and you were perhaps trying to make the relationship into something that gave your life meaning, which is the wrong way to go about things. Find the life and work you enjoy and then you will have something to share which will make your next relationship stronger and more real.

It may be that only in "that first fine careless rapture" that you do commit so deeply, (and foolishly), but only a complete fool would want to have their heart broken utterly twice, as it wastes so much time, and life is too short. The relationships that follow this one will be more real and stronger, and sooner or later someone will quietly sneak into your heart past your defences and you will find yourself more committed than you dreamed possible, but in a real way.

Lastly as a general point I have noticed that there is more swearing in posts than we used to have here. I prefer it that we try not to, and I believe that the meaning of your initial rant would not be changed if you took out all those "fuckings" etc.

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"Knowledge is Power. France is Bacon" - Milton

Posts: 2922 | From: Brighton - UK | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged
Mel
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Icon 1 posted November 05, 2006 14:47      Profile for Mel     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
So what is the problem, exactly?
Posts: 309 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged
Serenak

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Icon 1 posted November 05, 2006 16:20      Profile for Serenak     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I do believe the problem is that TCTQ has got himself emotionally busted up (as we all do) over a very intense relationship that has turned sour...

I would have said "teenage relationship" which whilst true tends to debase it - because many of us past those years just roll our eyes and go "and the problem is....????"

Yes - it is a function of the teens to 20s that we experience those "burn bright and leave a nasty scar" violent and intense relationships... but without those we would all be lesser people; and even 20+ years on I still feel the pain of my first girlfriend leaving me... and that is 2 long term relationships and 2 children later... (Hey! The fact that 15 years on she named her firstborn after me was not deeply ironic or anything... or maybe coincidence... what do I know...?)

I don't regret it... it made me who I am - but "the first cut is the deepest" as the song says.

I think back and I can feel his pain... it is my pain, it is all our pain when stuff fails. If you cannot remember that pain then you have had an emotional bypass or are a deep bred into the bone liar...

Maybe we have to have that stuff to grow up and be aware of how interations affect not just us but all around us... but the pain is the same if it all goes wrong 20 years later too. Emotional pain is not reserved for the under 25s...

New love at 70yrs old feels the same as new love at 17 - no one disputes that one! So why do we think that breakups should be less hurtful at 68 rather than 18?

Savage breakups are always hurtful whatever your age... We just get a bit more jaded/innured to it with every one that happens... With time we also tend to learn how to make them maybe not quite so raw as they could be - perhaps unconsciously we don't spite the other party quite so hard and we don't take it quite so hard personally either? I don't know.

Rambling? Me or TCTQ? Actually even being 20 or so years and more up on him in age I realise TCTQ has one thing I never did... This place on the intaweb to come and vent, and cry, and shout out his pain!!! Damn it, if i had had that when Sarah dumped me...?!?!?

Well my life might have been no different... but I think I MIGHT have not had to spend that whole year in deep depression...

Or maybe I would have anyway? - no way to say now!

As to the swearing? Well I swear like a trooper all the time, far more than I should actually... in posts like these where there is time to reflect and review there is probably less need for repeated invective... once for effect is enough - then again in "stream of consciousness" posts as I took these to be? I can live with it... and sometimes we need to hear the "original voice"

Not to condone superficial online cussing... but sometimes the voice or the flow require it...

But overall we should probably make and effort to keep it down to fsckin' reasonable bl**dy levels for fsck sake...! [Big Grin]

--------------------
"So if you want my address - it's No. 1 at the end of the bar, where I sit with the broken angels, clutching at straws and nursing my scars..."

Posts: 1937 | From: Suffolk England | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged
boo
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Icon 1 posted November 05, 2006 20:57      Profile for boo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Okay, if I understand this correctly, you and your girlfriend essentially broke up because of something another girl told you, which turned out to be untrue? Do I have it right so far?

If that's the case, there are two things I'd like you to consider.

1) WHY were you so willing to believe the bad things about her?

2) Knowing that you did believe the worst about her may have hurt her more than the way you hurt by believing the things were true.

It's been 3-4 months since you broke up and she is now living in another state? But you are on speaking terms and seem to be getting along well?

Look, you're 17. You'll be on your own very soon. I don't know how far you are from Kentucky, but it's not on another planet. It's reachable. I would suggest you continue speaking to her, get the whole thing out in the open, apologize for believing it and thereby allowing the events to unfold the way they did. Tell her you regret the way things ended, you never intended for things to end, that you had deep feelings for her and, even though time has past, now realize you still have deep feelings for her.

She may very well have been devestated by your doubts about her. Maybe she is willing to forgive you and maybe she wants you back, as well. She may not be willing to take the risk to say that though. If she IS as hurt as I suspect she might be, she won't want to risk getting hurt again. That means you have to be the one to risk getting hurt.

If it turns out that she has moved on, at least you will know that you guys had a chance to clear the air and might be able to adopt the "it wasn't meant to be" attitude. Not that it will take the sting away, but it might help a little.

Then start saving your money and get the hell out to Kentucky when you can. If this girl is to be the love of your life, she is worth the risk.

Posts: 775 | From: us of a | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged
Mel
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Icon 1 posted November 05, 2006 20:58      Profile for Mel     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Serenak:


New love at 70yrs old feels the same as new love at 17 - no one disputes that one! So why do we think that breakups should be less hurtful at 68 rather than 18?

Savage breakups are always hurtful whatever your age... We just get a bit more jaded/innured to it with every one that happens... With time we also tend to learn how to make them maybe not quite so raw as they could be - perhaps unconsciously we don't spite the other party quite so hard and we don't take it quite so hard personally either? I don't know.

When you're younger there is a lot more senseless drama. The fights I used to have when I was young with my boyfriend were over totally retarded things, but seemed so important back then. Later in life you learn to choose your battles and how to argue sensibly to find a solution. I'd say bad breakups and fights are MORE hurtful when you're older sometimes if you have a family or property to fight over. Something really big has to happen to break up marriages or long-term relationships!

Those that choose to look back on heartache and feel a wound open up again didn't really recover from it in the first place (or you may be choosing to feel sorry for yourself). But that's just my honest opinion. Things just will get better if you let them. Letting it out and giving a good rant is the first step, but then you have to DO something about it (which sometimes means doing nothing at all and just forgetting about it, or learn from it and move on).

Posts: 309 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged
boo
Highlie
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Icon 1 posted November 05, 2006 20:58      Profile for boo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
And for those of you who complained about the cussing.

[Roll Eyes] [Roll Eyes] [Roll Eyes] The kid's heart is breaking and you rag on him about cussing. Some of you people really need to get lives. You make me sick.

Posts: 775 | From: us of a | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged
Too Cool To Quit
SuperBlabberMouth!
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Icon 1 posted November 06, 2006 01:25      Profile for Too Cool To Quit     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
We [her and I] have already had a long discussion about the whole other girl ordeal, and it is in our past. But, this is getting harder and harder to describe.

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Alright now, that's the last straw, I'm calling the ass taxidermist to tell him to stop making hats in your size RIGHT NOW.

Posts: 1097 | From: North Carolina | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged
Tom- geeking around

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Icon 1 posted November 06, 2006 02:21      Profile for Tom- geeking around   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I haven't posted in quite a while. But this is important to me.

TCTQ:

We all in here don't have nearly enough information on your relationship and all the details to say you should try again or anything else.

Time is what you need. It can make you see clearer.
You might feel as if you've been sent reeling. It'll stop.
In the meantime, try to vent and get those emotions off your soul.

Thomas

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Pizza and ginormous jugs is what I need!

Posts: 374 | From: Vienna | Registered: Aug 2004  |  IP: Logged
Xanthine

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Icon 1 posted November 06, 2006 10:07      Profile for Xanthine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
/me hands boo a sickbag

TCTQ: the only fix is time. It will get better, and until it does, you might want to consider staying single. There's nothing wrong with being single, especially if you're using the time to heal.

--------------------
And it's one, two, three / On the wrong side of the lee / What were you meant for? / What were you meant for?
- The Decemberists

Posts: 7670 | From: the lab | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged
Sxeptomaniac

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Icon 1 posted November 06, 2006 10:34      Profile for Sxeptomaniac   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, TCTQ, I can't really give too much in the way of advice, just some sympathy. You're essentially grieving the lost relationship, and, like Xanthine said, it just takes time to work through everything.

On another note:
quote:
Originally posted by boo:
Some of you people really need to get lives. You make me sick.

The feeling's mutual, princess. [evil]

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Let's pray that the human race never escapes from Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere. - C. S. Lewis

Posts: 1590 | From: Fresno, CA | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged
GameMaster
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Icon 1 posted November 06, 2006 10:47      Profile for GameMaster   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
First, all this time with little one (siblings and cousins of hers) and you two found time to light up -- I hope not at the same time...

Mixing relationships with mind addictive mind altering substances is like operating heavy machinary while under the infulance of the above... It's fun at the time, but someone is going to get hurt. I'm all for legalization, but I myself do nat participate; but, it really sounds like this hasbecome a problem that you both need to work out on your own.

quote:

As far as little tricks are concerned, I don't believe in it in that way. I mean, I believe women and men have different agenda's and it is an unspoken thing but they do have agendas. Everyone has an agenda. (Holds up his agenda.) See? Even I've got one. The difference are where these "tricks" occur. BUT, this is not the case in this situation. I know a little bit about love, I know a little bit about girls. I know a little bit about a lot of things and a lot about nothing. But this is not the issue.

"Tricks" should not occur. No has an Adenda, but everyone does have their own reasons for being in their relationship, and there is no reason for anyone to keep those reasons secret or to "twist them" in a "trick" of some kind. Love is a place where such games should not played with people's heads. Make clear at the start, and each time it changes, what your intentions are -- that way you minimize the number of "suprises" when a "trick" unwinds before your eyes

Now that my preaching is over...
Life doen't end because a relationship ends, and we all -- or at least the majority of us -- know what it's like, and know that it sucks. What now?
Take time to deal with everything that is going on in your life, and settle your own deamons. As far as spending too much time together goes... Is that the ultimate goal of dating? To find the one you will share the rest of your life with? If that's what you couldn't handle, and why you broke it off, then you did the right thing. Dating is an interview process for marrage, and you turned down this candidate after just 3 or 4 months... She didn't fit the role. Take some time, revise the job description and the requirements for application and after you head together again try to get back into the dating scene.

Posts: 3038 | From: State of insanity | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
Too Cool To Quit
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Icon 1 posted November 06, 2006 11:25      Profile for Too Cool To Quit     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yeah, the biggest problem for me is that I see other people that are happy together like we used to be, and it messes with my head terribly. :/
Posts: 1097 | From: North Carolina | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged
Mel
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Icon 1 posted November 06, 2006 12:59      Profile for Mel     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Too Cool To Quit:
Yeah, the biggest problem for me is that I see other people that are happy together like we used to be, and it messes with my head terribly. :/

Why not try being happy for them then instead of jealous? Eventually you'll have another happy relationship again too. Being on the opposite side of jealousy is rough too. I've had friends who were either jealous of my relationship or because of successes in my life, and had lashed out at me because of it. Jealousy will only make you and others feel more rotten. Ignore other relationships or smile at them, especially if it will cause tension between friends.
Posts: 309 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged
Xanthine

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Icon 1 posted November 06, 2006 15:06      Profile for Xanthine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I think TCTQ's problem may be more one of regret than jealousy.

It gets easier with time, and, honestly Taco, it's better to wait until you'cve completely scarred over before you jump back in the dating pool. Otherwise you risk bringing your pain into the relationship and that's not a stable way to start. When you can see a happy couple without hurting, you'll know you're okay. Be patient. Sometimes it helps to divert the agony into something else, likea new hobby or a creative project. You can turn your grief into something beautiful.

--------------------
And it's one, two, three / On the wrong side of the lee / What were you meant for? / What were you meant for?
- The Decemberists

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