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Author Topic: Is this a throat-punch situation?
calenril
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Icon 1 posted March 15, 2007 06:02      Profile for calenril     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by drunkennewfiemidget:
I'm gonna have to go against everyone else here.

Drunkenness is not an excuse for anything. Period.
...

I agree. Only the most naïve would not know how alcohol lowers inhibitions. Responsibility for what happens afterward comes with the decision to take the first drink. Perhaps he had a thought of getting a kiss and the drinking allowed him to actually do it, or perhaps it was purely impulsive. Either way, we know ahead of time that we are gambling when we start to become intoxicated -- it is reckless behaviour.

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"Come on, it'll be neat!"

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skylar
BlabberMouth, the Next Generation
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Icon 1 posted March 15, 2007 09:17      Profile for skylar     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Further input has given me a lot of food for thought - so thanks everyone, you've really helped.

We met up again the other day when he got back from Canada. I needed to see him face to face before making a decision. After seeing him, I'm pretty certain he's suffered more from remorse than I have from the betrayal... I've never seen him in such a state. After a long drawn-out discussion, I decided to forgive him, but I'm not sure if he has forgiven himself...

I guess these things take time, don't they? We've set the ground rules for starting afresh, which include:

a) One more strike and you're out.
b) 'Drunkenness' is never again to be an excuse.
c) Lie to me, get a steel capped boot to the balls. [Razz]

Yet, it saddens me to know that things will never be the same as they were. Innocence lost, I guess. We just need to work on making things even better than they were, once trust has been rebuilt... 2.0, so to speak... [Smile]

I can't help but feel (though I'm sure many of you will disagree) that when I weigh up all the positive changes he has made in my life, against the hurt he has caused, the goodness wins out, and is not worth letting go of just yet.

--------------------
"arm, aber geeky"

Posts: 1994 | From: Deutschland | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged
boo
Highlie
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Icon 1 posted March 15, 2007 09:34      Profile for boo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by skylar:
Yet, it saddens me to know that things will never be the same as they were. Innocence lost, I guess. We just need to work on making things even better than they were, once trust has been rebuilt... 2.0, so to speak... [Smile]

I can't help but feel (though I'm sure many of you will disagree) that when I weigh up all the positive changes he has made in my life, against the hurt he has caused, the goodness wins out, and is not worth letting go of just yet.

Skylar, sounds like you're relationship has made a positive step. I like your 2.0 analogy. [Smile] And it's a good attitude. Stronger, better .. it's here now. I know what you mean about the innocense lost, but meh. That was just a matter of time, anyway. And as for your last comment, I totally think that's great. You are the one who knows and loves him, after all. Sometimes you have to trust your gut (or in this case, your heart) take a risk, and have confidence in the one you care about. [thumbsup]
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Jace Raven

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Icon 1 posted March 15, 2007 10:30      Profile for Jace Raven         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
we have a saying where i come from.

"When in doubt, whip it out"

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boo
Highlie
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Icon 1 posted March 15, 2007 10:46      Profile for boo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
!!
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Just_Jess_B

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Icon 1 posted March 17, 2007 08:28      Profile for Just_Jess_B   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
It sounds like he's on his way to completing the 4 R's. What are the 4 R's?

(I pulled this from a website http://www.drtalley.com/forum/index.php?thread=9&page=1):
Few people understand how devastating infidelity can be to a relationship. Affairs rape the emotional trust at the core of love. However, there is a way to repair the damage wrought by an affair. Be aware -- it's not for the faint of heart or the uncommitted.

The Four H's
When one partner has an affair, it triggers Four H's in their mate: Hurt, Hate, Hesitation to Trust, and Holding on to Resentment.
If you had the affair, your partner felt hurt by having his or her emotional trust betrayed. Your partner hated you for taking away that trust -- the most important element for love -- and having to worry over what else you might be lying about.
Your partner is hesitant to trust you only to risk being betrayed again (many people who have been cheated on say that if they made it through one infidelity, they know they wouldn't be able to make it through another).
And finally, your partner is going to hold on to resentment. He or she will not want to, but may feel powerless to let it go.

The Four R's
The corrective responses to the Four H's are the Four R's: Remorse, Restitution, Rehabilitation and Request for Forgiveness.
In order to heal the hurt, your partner needs to see and feel your genuine remorse. This means looking your partner straight in the eye and saying how sorry you are for the hurt you've caused. Your "I'm sorry" must be simple and clear and not followed by excuses or "but it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't ..."
As much as your partner's hurt needs remorse in order to heal, his or her anger needs vengeance in order to be expunged. The best restitution is for you to let your partner verbally vent every bit of revulsion, disgust, disappointment and hurt that you caused. He or she needs to feel completely drained of all the negative feelings your betrayal engendered. And you need to stand there and listen and take it without defending yourself. This outpouring of emotion will help satisfy your partner's need for revenge and help clear the air so you can move on to the next step.
Your partner's hesitation to trust you needs to see you rehabilitating yourself. You need to learn how to cope with upsetting issues in your life or marriage without resorting to an affair. You also need to reach the point where you actually favor your new and improved way of handling issues over resorting to deceit.
Finally, your partner's resentment needs you to request forgiveness. Make this request only after you have built up a track record of remorse, restitution and rehabilitation for at least six months (and perhaps even as long as the length of the affair). Forgiveness is something that must be earned.


I hope he does them all and you accept your feelings are natural. I'm sure you're thankful it was a kiss and not making out or (especially) sex. He trusted you to forgive him, putting his comforts on the line over a mistake.

Agreed that booze isn't a reason, but people drink when they party, especially young people. I dunno. Maybe get marrried and next time you'll go, too, or at least the wedding ring will either strnegthen his resolve or shy the women away. As a married woman, however, the women don't always walk away if they see the ring. Sometimes they work harder.

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Opinion is not Truth; that is why each has its own definition. Illiteracy sucks.

Posts: 1370 | From: Whaddya mean, Arizona? | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged
skylar
BlabberMouth, the Next Generation
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Icon 1 posted March 17, 2007 09:49      Profile for skylar     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thanks, boo, for the kind words (and Jace [Wink] ) ... and that article was really insightful, Jess - thanks for sharing [Smile] . It helped to be able to compare my boyfriend's behaviour to what was set out there, and it makes me even more confident of his good intentions and genuine remorse... 2.0 seems even more within reach, now.

--------------------
"arm, aber geeky"

Posts: 1994 | From: Deutschland | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged


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