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Author Topic: Is this a throat-punch situation?
skylar
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Icon 9 posted March 12, 2007 01:34      Profile for skylar     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'll get straight to the point:

My boyfriend kissed another girl.

Now here's the context to put it in:

We have been going out for nearly 5 months. That may not seem like long, but we're pretty serious about each other, and in love. Probably still in the infatuation stage, but I feel confident we have something a lot stronger than that. We have plans to go traveling together next year.

He's currently in Canada, to be the best man at his friend's wedding. The wedding was on Saturday. He got very, very drunk. Some girl he was talking to kissed him... he kissed back before realising it was a mistake, and pulling away. He told me the next time he spoke to me.

He keeps telling me how sorry he is, how truly terrible he feels, and how scared he is of losing me. I believe him. I love him very much. But I don't know where to go from here.

Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated.

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"arm, aber geeky"

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littlefish
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Icon 1 posted March 12, 2007 01:40      Profile for littlefish   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Simple. If you really *are* serious about him, and in love, then forgive him.

If you aren't then it is a bit trickier.

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The Famous Druid

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Icon 1 posted March 12, 2007 03:34      Profile for The Famous Druid     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
The guy was drunk, made a silly mistake, fessed-up immediately, and is remorseful.
I'd say he deserves a second chance.

I'd also say he's an idiot, I'd have kept quiet about it. </wise-old-married-bloke>

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Stibbons
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Icon 1 posted March 12, 2007 04:20      Profile for Stibbons   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'd say forgive him. People do very stupid things when drunk, and the fact he stopped and then even told you about it shows that he really, really cares for you.
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GrumpySteen

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Icon 1 posted March 12, 2007 04:34      Profile for GrumpySteen     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
If you believe him, tell him that you forgive him this time but that he can't count on being forgiven a second time if he ever does it again.

If you don't believe him, then it's sort of a moot point, isn't it?

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skylar
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Icon 1 posted March 12, 2007 05:09      Profile for skylar     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
The problem is that I want to forgive him and get over it and move on, but every time I think about kissing him, the image of him with someone else pops into my mind and makes my skin crawl. Is there any way of getting past that with as little pain as possible? [Frown]

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WinterSolstice

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Icon 1 posted March 12, 2007 06:06      Profile for WinterSolstice     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
If it helps any, it was probably just reflex. Someone kisses you, you tend to kiss them back, especially when drunk.

The "oh shit" reflex is typically a bit delayed.

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Callipygous
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Icon 1 posted March 12, 2007 06:13      Profile for Callipygous     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
which sort of brings us back to TFD's point, that if it was as he said he should have buttoned his lip and dealt with his feelings of guilt shame and remorse himself. I always wonder whether a confession of this sort is actually slightly self indulgent, as I am uncertain whether he is actually considering the pain he is causing you in asking for your forgiveness. If he had to tell you, he should have waited until you were in the same room, so you could knock his block off before forgiving him. So top marks for honesty, but poor marks for common sense.

I suggest that because of his foolish behaviour, and the insensitive manner of his confession that you keep him dangling for a while longer, until you feel ready to forgive him, not for punishment, but to let him reflect on how his action and subsequent confession has affected you.

I personally think that though complete honesty with one's beloved is an admirable ideal, in practice things are not quite so straightforward. Most of us are at least slightly fscked up, so it's only a few who can be completely honest with themselves, and thus what chance do we have with anyone else? I believe simple kindness, tolerance, and that rather unfashionable virtue, loyalty, are actually more important than complete transparent honesty.

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Astronomer Jedi
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Icon 1 posted March 12, 2007 06:17      Profile for Astronomer Jedi   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by WinterSolstice:
The "oh shit" reflex is typically a bit delayed.

Know this well I do. Not from being drunk, but from saying something and the moment it comes out of my mouth realising how dumb it was to say it.

Oh skylar, I think whatever you decide to do, you should probably throat punch him either way.

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Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?

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dragonman97

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Icon 1 posted March 12, 2007 06:20      Profile for dragonman97   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by skylar:
The problem is that I want to forgive him and get over it and move on, but every time I think about kissing him, the image of him with someone else pops into my mind and makes my skin crawl. Is there any way of getting past that with as little pain as possible? [Frown]

Eh...I'm sorry to hear about that, but I would second what every other guy has said. [Smile]

His intelligent reaction time was greatly affected by alcohol - this is why you /do not/ drive after drinking. If you can kiss someone you shouldn't after drinking...what the hell might one do behind the wheel of a car?

But serious life-and-death matters aside, the bloke seems honestly remorseful for his error, and ought to be allowed a chance. [Smile] Now...if he makes a habit of kissing girls while drunk, then you need to tell him to bugger off - but for now, just put this bunk out of your head. Just look at it like an overly nice handshake...I guess I simply can't see it as such a terrible thing at the moment, but we're surely looking at it from diff. points of view.

Cheers,
dragon

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There are three things you can be sure of in life: Death, taxes, and reading about fake illnesses online...

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skylar
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Icon 1 posted March 12, 2007 07:23      Profile for skylar     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quoting WinterSolstice:
If it helps any, it was probably just reflex. Someone kisses you, you tend to kiss them back, especially when drunk.
Thanks, a couple of my friends pointed that out to me, too. I'm just hoping "drunk" isn't going to become an excuse for him [Razz]

quoting Calli:
I suggest that because of his foolish behaviour, and the insensitive manner of his confession that you keep him dangling for a while longer, until you feel ready to forgive him, not for punishment, but to let him reflect on how his action and subsequent confession has affected you.
Well, his flight gets in tomorrow, and I'm meant to be meeting him in London, so we can spend the day together. I was thinking about skipping out, but then I realised that I'm the one in possession of his bus ticket back to Bristol...! So, hopefully by tomorrow, enough time will have passed, for both of us...

quoting Astronomer Jedi:
Oh skylar, I think whatever you decide to do, you should probably throat punch him either way.
Well, he told me that I can put his balls in a blender if it makes me feel better - so I just might [evil]

quoting The Dragon:
Now...if he makes a habit of kissing girls while drunk, then you need to tell him to bugger off - but for now, just put this bunk out of your head. Just look at it like an overly nice handshake...I guess I simply can't see it as such a terrible thing at the moment, but we're surely looking at it from diff. points of view.
He's done in once before, but in a different relationship, so I feel guilty for judging him based on that.

Thanks for all the input so far, everyone... it's helping me make a little sense of the mess...

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stevenback7
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Icon 1 posted March 12, 2007 07:51      Profile for stevenback7   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I will go with everyone elses suggestion to forgive the guy - he made a stupid mistake while drunk a mistake anyone could have made. I would also suggest not holding this over his head - a few jokes about it and a couple friendly punches (no throat punches those really hurt) and then just let it go. Because there will probally come a situation in the relationship where you do something stupid and he will be the one to forgive you.

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Icon 12 posted March 12, 2007 08:17      Profile for Snaggy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
The best response is revenge. And I am here to help you with that.

/me offers skylar a six pack of beer before kissing her.

[Big Grin]

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skylar
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Icon 12 posted March 12, 2007 08:49      Profile for skylar     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
ahhh, sweet revenge ... and dwunkenness...

[crazy] [Beard of Peter Gabriel!]

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drunkennewfiemidget
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Icon 1 posted March 12, 2007 09:00      Profile for drunkennewfiemidget     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm gonna have to go against everyone else here.

Drunkenness is not an excuse for anything. Period.

He didn't do what he should have done and pulled away.

What's to say 5 years down the road he won't be in the middle of humping someone else and then realise it's a bad idea?

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Sxeptomaniac

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Icon 1 posted March 12, 2007 09:35      Profile for Sxeptomaniac   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by skylar:
quoting The Dragon:
Now...if he makes a habit of kissing girls while drunk, then you need to tell him to bugger off - but for now, just put this bunk out of your head. Just look at it like an overly nice handshake...I guess I simply can't see it as such a terrible thing at the moment, but we're surely looking at it from diff. points of view.
He's done in once before, but in a different relationship, so I feel guilty for judging him based on that.

I don't know about judging him for it, but it seems to me that he should learn from his mistakes, and that would be a sign that he hasn't.

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boo
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Icon 1 posted March 12, 2007 09:44      Profile for boo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Skylar, I think I'm the first girl to respond and I can understand your feelings. I know I'd feel crushed if this were to happen to me.

Having said that though, I do think it's worth giving him a second chance, considering that you are in love with him and all. BUT, I would not let the state of drunkenness be an excuse (why was he drunk, anyway? can't anyone drink without getting *drunk* and doing stupid things?) Anyway, I wouldn't let it be an excuse but I do think it is part of the reason. However, the fact that he did this one other time isn't a good sign, I don't think. Yes, it was in a different relationship, but it doesn't bode well.

It seems he might be the type who has a hard time realizing 'this is it. this is the only woman for me for the rest of my life.' And honestly, I can understand that. It's a scary proposition, for anyone.

If you do decide to "forgive" him, as he requested, then do it and be done with it. I don't think you should drag it out or 'punish' him or anything like that. Talk about it, lay it on the line, and be done with it. Don't be one of those women who brings things up years later. But make it clear that if it happens again, you're done (if that is actually the way you feel) because then it will have been three times (that you know of) and the third strike means you're out.

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Xanthine

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Icon 1 posted March 12, 2007 10:24      Profile for Xanthine     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'd tell him I want to punch him in the throat. I might even tell him how digusted I am. And then I'd forgive him. He needs to know you took it hard. If he does it again, then you need to serisouly rethink a few things.

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skylar
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Icon 1 posted March 12, 2007 13:28      Profile for skylar     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thanks guys [Smile] . Now that I've had a bit more time to reflect, I've realised that he does seem to be really suffering, and feeling remorseful over what he did. I don't think he's cast it off lightly. And the honesty does count in his favour. But I will have to wait and see until tomorrow, as to what I will do when I see him. On the one hand, I just want to jump with joy at seeing him again, and hug him. On the other, I want to throat punch him so hard that my elbow protrudes from the back of his head.

I think I'll begin with the latter, then proceed to the former... *sigh*. He's already been told: one more strike, you're out. And I mean it. I just hope it never comes to that. Eesh, the next few times he gets drunk and goes out with his mates are going to be painful ... [ohwell]

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Colonel Panic
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Icon 1 posted March 12, 2007 15:12      Profile for Colonel Panic         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Sky,

Kissing has a tendency to break out at weddings.

And you weren't there.

You could have caught the bouquet. He the garter.

But no, there he was at a celebration of love and kisses with no sweetie to kiss?

Hmmmmmmm.

Either forgive and forget, or the other gal wins.

Colonel Panic

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Rednivek

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Icon 1 posted March 13, 2007 01:39      Profile for Rednivek     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I would be more concerned with why he got drunk enough to make a stupid mistake. How often does he get drunk and what mistake will he make next time?

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drunkennewfiemidget
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Icon 1 posted March 13, 2007 08:55      Profile for drunkennewfiemidget     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Oh yea, and I'll have to agree with some people on the second part.

If you do choose to forgive him, which is your perogative, you must forgive him, forget about it, and move on.

If it happens again, his ass is out the door, but this can't be fodder or reasoning to start or escalate any future issues.

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Reedius
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Icon 1 posted March 13, 2007 09:57      Profile for Reedius     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Give him another chance but make it the last, anyone makes 1 mistake but 2 mistakes is too much. [Wink]

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Geek or Nerd?

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nerdwithnofriends
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Icon 1 posted March 13, 2007 13:20      Profile for nerdwithnofriends     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by drunkennewfiemidget:
I'm gonna have to go against everyone else here.

Drunkenness is not an excuse for anything. Period.

He didn't do what he should have done and pulled away.

What's to say 5 years down the road he won't be in the middle of humping someone else and then realise it's a bad idea?

Seconded. Drunkenness just increases stupidity, and it's a well-established fact that stupidity isn't an excuse for anything, except being throat-punched. I always hate when I hear guys/girls tell me about their relationship problems and then say, "But I was drrruuuuunkkK!!!".

Oh really? And who decided to get you drunk? that's right, you did. Nobody forced alcohol down your throat (unless they did, then that's a fucked up situation).I would not be so forgiving, but I'm a heartless asshole.

I'll also second DNM in saying that if you're going to forgive and forget, do it 100% and don't do the usual female thing of stockpiling it for later use as ammunition.

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Just_Jess_B

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Icon 1 posted March 13, 2007 13:35      Profile for Just_Jess_B   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, he confessed, which means he felt like he screwed up and then really wanted to fix it.

I can't tell you one way or the other, because some people would say "He shouldn't have gotten into that situation into the first place" and others would say "At least he didn't screw her."

It's what's in your heart. But yeah, of course you feel hurt. It would hurt anyone in your place.

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